Thinking way ahead, but how do I handle this?

[KrisM]

We were at a birthday party today at a bounce house place. The whole preschool class was invited. Now, of course, DS1 wants his party there, too. It's not until April, so we have time. But, he says he doesn't want one of the boys to come. Obviously, if we go the bounce house route, we'll invited everyone. But, I'm hoping to do a home party with 5 or 6 boys.

This boy, let's say M, has been a friend of DS1's for 4 years or so. I'm friends with his mom. They are also friends with a couple of other boys. I would have a hard time not inviting him because of this.

DS1 says he doesn't want M to come because "he is mean". I don't think he is really mean, but he is more aggressive than DS1 and he is big for his age. He is not yet 5 and is about 4'6" and is about 75lbs. So, an average collision or something hurts a lot more when it involves M. DS1 is 43" and 39lbs, so a big difference!

Anyhow, assuming I have a at home party with 5-6 kids, it is okay if we don't invite M, right? Even though they were friends for a long time? I don't want to hurt M's feelings or his moms, but I want DS to have the party he wants with the friends he wants there.

ETA: Would you tell the mom that M is not invited, so that she's aware. I only ask because we would be inviting 3 or 4 kids from school and they are friends with M, so it would probably be known at some point.

[happy2bamom]

I'd say see how DS feels about "M" as it gets closer to his birthday. Children change their minds about friends frequently. If you are wanting "M" to be included, maybe you could do some playdates between now and then to give your DS some positive experiences? Good luck.

[egoldber]

Is the friendship important to you? If so, I would invite M. If I were that mom, and my child were the only one from a "circle of friends" that were not invited, I would be incredibly hurt.

ETA: All children go through phases of being "mean" or aggressive. I would try to think long term about this.

[KrisM]

He's been saying that M is mean for most of the school year. We have had him over for playdates, both just him and with 1 or 2 others. It's better when it's just him, but not perfect. DS never asks for him to come over; it's me setting it up.

The friendship with the mom is important to me. I know DS will go through friends as the years go on, so if he's not friends with M long term, that's okay with me. They will go to the same elementary school in the fall, too.

Now that I'm thinking about it, DS didn't want M at his party last year, but I invited him anyway (4 kids total) and DS was fine at that point.

If I do include him, do I allow him an "extra" friend then? He's got his list going and I told him no more than 6. Do I make it 7 so he can include his 6?

[egoldber]

Does he have 6? If not, I'd just play it by ear.

[KrisM]

Does he have 6? If not, I'd just play it by ear.

Currently, he does. But, that will change, I am sure. I'm sure 2 or 3 of them will stick. The others rotate, it seems.

I may be hurting that situation, but I've been encouraging him to play with some of the other kids at school. Those that weren't in our original playgroup. He knows 4 kids at school from playgroups that he was part of since about 6 months. So, he's really attached to some of those kids. We have a playdate on Thursday with a boy that is from school, but not our original playgroup. So, it might be that he adds to those he wants, but maybe the entire group that invites will shift a bit.

[MamaMolly]

ETA: Would you tell the mom that M is not invited, so that she's aware. I only ask because we would be inviting 3 or 4 kids from school and they are friends with M, so it would probably be known at some point.

Only if you are done being friends with this mom. Put yourself in her shoes. That would hurt.

OTOH, I totally see your point that DS should have the birthday party he wants with who he wants. What about something like taking just ONE friend to something special like the zoo? Or maybe a whole class or boys-from-the-class event would work.

Good luck with this!

[KrisM]

Only if you are done being friends with this mom. Put yourself in her shoes. That would hurt.

OTOH, I totally see your point that DS should have the birthday party he wants with who he wants. What about something like taking just ONE friend to something special like the zoo? Or maybe a whole class or boys-from-the-class event would work.

Good luck with this!

I like the ONE friend idea. That might work well. I'll have to give that some good thought.

Thanks!

[egoldber]

I think I'm going to do the one/two friend idea this year. (It helps that she really only has two good friends LOL!) And then do something special with just the three of them that wouldn't be possible with a larger group.

[deenass]

If the friendship with the mom is important to you, I would invite the child. I've been in some situations over the last year where my son has NOT been invited to parties of fridn's children and I found out about the party b/c another friend asked if we wre going. I was indeed hurt.

A few times kids have had "girls only" parties (and I have a son) - so I understand why he was left out, but I appreciated the hostess telling me that it was a girls inly party rather than finding out there was a party and he wasn't invited.