My DH want's another baby, not sure I do

[TraciG]

I can't believe he said we should start trying soon, my DS is turning 1 this month & I've recently gone on medication for anxiety . I also have a 5 year old.

I wish I were younger, if I had a few year's to wait then I'd definitely have another but if I decide to do it I don't have much time, I'm 38. I don't know if I can handle 3, my mother seem's to think I can't & recently I was feeling sick & she asked if I was pregnant, when she found out I wasn't she said Thank God, she said 2 is enough.She said my 2 are hard enough for me, she hear's all my complaint's so I guess that's whay she think's I can't handle another plus we live in a small 2 bedroom apt !!

I really with I had more year's left to wait, this is tough, I feel like my time is running out but I know woman have baby's at 40, it's just scary with all the thing's that can happen to the baby, like Down Syndrome.

Confused, ( what else is knew ! )

[SnuggleBuggles]

It doesn't seem like the best time. And, plus since you are the one that has to be pregnant you get the final say. :) I think a discussion with dh about 2 vs 3 is in order.

Beth

[spanannie]

3 kids are not easy. Since you are struggling with anxiety, I would definitely warn against it. While I love my 3 children and they make my world go 'round, since the birth of DC3, 7 mos ago, my life has become the most chaotic, disorganized mess that it's ever been and I have very little (if any) time to my self. A lot of that is due to the increasing demands of the older kids' "schedules" and being more and more of a mom taxi, but add a baby on top of that and it can make for A LOT of stress. Just something to think about. I say that a baby is more of a fit into your life decision rather than a time-line decision, though I understand your predicament.

[AnnieW625]

You know what I think it's sad that your mom is not supportive of you (at least that's the way I read the post), if deep down you really want to try and have another child and your doctor gives you the okay (cause of the anxiety meds) I'd say go ahead and try. I'd also look at how your other pregnancies went, even though I know everyone is different. Also three kids might be hard at the beginning but your older daughter will be able to help out more than she did with your son as she'll be almost 6 or 7 when the next one is born. My brother and sister are 7 years apart and they get along great (I'm 10 years older than my sister; so it's more generational) and it was fun growing up with two younger siblings. I agree with Spanannie make this a life decision, not a time line decision.

[boolady]

As a PP pointed out, you have the final say. I wouldn't worry about what your mom says either way, because it's going to be your reality, day in and day out, not hers. I understand that you also feel time-pressured, but I don't think you can let that force you to make a decision, either. YOU have to want to do it and be ready for it. I think unless you feel 100% positive that this is what YOU (not DH or anyone else) want to do and are totally excited about it, you should hold off.

FWIW, I have one DD who is 2 years old. For whatever reason, I don't know yet if I want any more, despite always thinking that I would. I have already fielded inquiries and comments from family members, DH, and others, "wondering" when I'll want to try for another. I just tell them that we'll try for another when DH and I are both ready at the same time, if that time ever comes.

In reading your posts, Traci, it always sounds to me like you have a lot on your plate, and I wouldn't let anyone else pressure you into even more responsibility when you're not sure if you want it. Just my two cents (or three...) :)

[JBaxter]

your husband wants another baby? Does he live in the same household you post about? Sydney's issues, Jacob's issues Your stress/ depression issues family issues ( his) .....

[Laurel]

your husband wants another baby? Does he live in the same household you post about? Sydney's issues, Jacob's issues Your stress/ depression issues family issues ( his) .....

I agree. Does he not hear or see the same things we are told on this board?

This is not coming from a place of judgement, I find motherhood incredibly overwhelming at times myself.

[chlobo]

Tracy,

We our kids are roughly the same age (5 & 1). I was 42 when I had my second. If my home life was like you describe yours I wouldn't ever consider adding a third one to the mix.

I think now is the time that you need to take care of yourself. If you have anxiety and depression issues now adding a third will only make it worse unless you take the time to deal with it now. You can't be a good mom to the kids you have unless you take the time to take care of yourself.

[mudder17]

You know what I think it's sad that your mom is not supportive of you (at least that's the way I read the post), if deep down you really want to try and have another child and your doctor gives you the okay (cause of the anxiety meds) I'd say go ahead and try. I'd also look at how your other pregnancies went, even though I know everyone is different. Also three kids might be hard at the beginning but your older daughter will be able to help out more than she did with your son as she'll be almost 6 or 7 when the next one is born. My brother and sister are 7 years apart and they get along great (I'm 10 years older than my sister; so it's more generational) and it was fun growing up with two younger siblings. I agree with Spanannie make this a life decision, not a time line decision.
And yet, based on what Traci has posted, I really think her oldest daughter would be more of a source of stress with a new baby than a help.

Traci, there are many of us who care about you and your kids and we're very worried about the things you post, both about your sanity and the general welfare of you and your kids. From what you've said before, it seems that your DD has already had difficulty adjusting to having a little brother. Throwing in a third child this soon would probably make it even harder. Despite what your DH wants, you need to think about what YOU want right now. Don't worry about timelines and your age--lots of people DO have kids later, when they're older and you can revisit that later.

Right now you need to worry about yourself and your current kids and what having a baby would do to all of you. Your DH is not the one who has to stay home with the kids and you never know what a pregnancy is going to be like, especially so soon after your last one. From what you've posted recently, your body is not at optimal health right now and is most likely not ready for a pregnancy. If you ended up with a difficult pregnancy, how would that affect your two kids? It doesn't sound like you'd have much help, though maybe your mom would be willing to step in (though from what you just wrote, she wouldn't be supportive of another pregnancy).

I'm not saying you should never have three kids, but that you should seriously consider postponing that and not be pushed into it by your DH and timelines. You need to get yourself 100% healthy first and get your kids to a better place.

Hugs, Traci. I wish you the best of luck.

[tmonroe]

It doesn't seem like the best time. And, plus since you are the one that has to be pregnant you get the final say. :) I think a discussion with dh about 2 vs 3 is in order.

Beth

I agree. You sound stretched to the limit already.

[stella]

Traci, why don't you tell dh that you will re-visit the issue in a year - when ds is a little more self-sufficient and dd is in school. Given what you have been through lately and the anxiety issues that need to be sorted out, now would definitely NOT be the time, IMO.

PLEASE don't let him pressure you into more responsibility right now. Your little ones demand so much from you right now - it wouldn't be fair to them or you to become pregnant any time soon.

((HUGS))

[maestramommy]

your husband wants another baby? Does he live in the same household you post about? Sydney's issues, Jacob's issues Your stress/ depression issues family issues ( his) .....

This. I wouldn't be so concerned about what your mom thinks. But it seems that with all the things you've had to struggle through, your Dh isn't very present. But maybe I'm misunderstanding that part? I think you need to have a serious talk with him about what he would be willing to take on should you decide to have a 3rd. Even though you are a little older (I'm 40!), you still don't have to decide this year. Maybe revisit next year. But DON'T decide anything in a hurry.

[TraciG]

Thank's everyone, I really don't think I'm ready, DH think's it would be easier to do it now since Jacob is so young.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Thank's everyone, I really don't think I'm ready, DH think's it would be easier to do it now since Jacob is so young.

That's strange logic, if you ask me. How is 2 babies in diapers, not sleeping great easier? I hope you are able to sit down together and really come up with a plan that works for you and your family.

Beth

[niccig]

Thank's everyone, I really don't think I'm ready

I think you've just answered your own question.

Who does most of the child care? You - so, you have to be ready for this. If you're not, then wait 6 months and reassess.

[LBW]

Thank's everyone, I really don't think I'm ready, DH think's it would be easier to do it now since Jacob is so young.

I think you should go away by yourself for a few days and leave the kids with him. (Do something fun for yourself like visiting friends or taking a class in another town/state.) Then see if he still thinks it would be easier now. I doubt he has any idea how stressful your life is.

[saschalicks]

Thank's everyone, I really don't think I'm ready, DH think's it would be easier to do it now since Jacob is so young.

However, your mental health doesn't seem to factor into his equation which is what is most disturbing to me.

Traci,
I say this from a place of knowing. I suffer from severe depression and have recently added anxiety to the mix. I just gave birth to my 3rd. I never ever would have done so w/out knowing that a) I am stable mentally w/the proper medication and b) that my DH wasn't helping to make sure that I am in fact ready. I think you need to think of the well being of your current children if you were not to handle the pregnancy well due to the anxiety.

GL whatever you do!

[JBaxter]

Thank's everyone, I really don't think I'm ready, DH think's it would be easier to do it now since Jacob is so young.


Ok HOW on Gods Green Earth would it be easier with a young baby? Is he getting you a bigger house and live in help ( THEN it may be easier :) ) < men! their logic escapes me sometimes>

[WatchingThemGrow]

I'm glad you and DH are talking about it and you're asking for advice beforehand. Really, there are SO many things to consider.

Not sure how much childcare your DH does, but I'd let him starting taking care of Jacob more than he seems to be now - at night, etc. I feel like if DH wants more DC, then he needs to be doing as much as possible to care for the ones he has now.

Do you feel your body/mind are ready for the demands of 3 children? Mine are barely (if at all), and I'm a low-stress person at 38. This last pg has been challenging and I'm even asking friends to pray for my anxiety about coping with life with 3 - and trying to fit us into our 3 bedroom house with our budget, etc.

Why does your DH want another? Is he mourning the passing of "babyhood" or does he want 3 as a status symbol? Are you ready to move to a larger place? You should have some really good conversations about it, without your kids around. Get your mom to babysit and remove all distractions. Go on a date, out to dinner or whatever, and really tell him how you feel.

[tarabenet]

You know what I think it's sad that your mom is not supportive of you (at least that's the way I read the post), if deep down you really want to try and have another child and your doctor gives you the okay (cause of the anxiety meds) I'd say go ahead and try. I'd also look at how your other pregnancies went, even though I know everyone is different. Also three kids might be hard at the beginning but your older daughter will be able to help out more than she did with your son as she'll be almost 6 or 7 when the next one is born. My brother and sister are 7 years apart and they get along great (I'm 10 years older than my sister; so it's more generational) and it was fun growing up with two younger siblings. I agree with Spanannie make this a life decision, not a time line decision.

I think in this instance her mom is being supportive of her long-term welfare. Anyone who has followed Traci's posts knows that she's had an extremely stressful time of it since her second child was born. The pregancies may not have been unusual at all, but the babyhoods have been very hard. She deserves a chance to truly recover from them before considering diving back in.

Traci, your current status is the overriding factor right now. It trumps the "what ifs" like how much time is left (something you don't know anyway and don't need add to your current stresses). You have neglected to care for yourself while you've been caring for your children. That works in the short-run, and goodness knows every Mommy does it. But in the long run? No. It is dangerous. It leads to things like overwhelming exhaustion, anxiety, depression, substance abuse/dependency and serious impairment of judgment. Your husband needs to wake up to the current reality that his beloved wife is in crisis *right now*. You have a ton going on and you need and deserve help coping with all that, not pressure to take on even more. May I thunk him on the forehead for you? And while I'm at it, a very gentle kick in your posterior to get you moving to demand the help you deserve! There are a lot of people here who are deeply concerned for you. Please take care of yourself. Please?

[fortato]

Where was DH when you were taking the klonopin that wasn't yours? You need to take care of yourself first.... then, when you are ready, then talk about it...

Traci, YOU come first.

[TraciG]

He wasn't happy I was taking the Klonopin, I needed it to sleep because Jacob still eat's at night ( my fault ) it was hard to go back to sleep, that's how it started, I wasn't taking that for anxiety.

He think's 2 so young would be easier since they'd both be napping still, yeah right, like they'll nap at the same time !! My biggest stress is over sleep, it's alway's been that. We're having Jacob's first b-day next week & he will end up missing a nap unless we can get him to sleep at my MIL's, I am already worried about this & the fact that we're planning it now, SO LATE & we're going to Disney 2 day's later !!!!!!!!!

[maestramommy]

I really agree with whoever said you need to take off for the weekend and leave Dh with the kids. It sounds to me like he has absolutely no idea what is involved with taking care of two children. Since Jacob has trouble with sleep, I wouldn't bank on him napping at the same time as the baby. My kids do nap at the same time, but they are good sleepers in general, and it's just sorta luck that Dora is still napping period (according to what I'm hearing).

You don't want to make the commitment to take on the responsibility of another baby until you are in a better place physically and mentally. It's not fair to you, or your family.

[mommy111]

I really agree with whoever said you need to take off for the weekend and leave Dh with the kids. It sounds to me like he has absolutely no idea what is involved with taking care of two children. Since Jacob has trouble with sleep, I wouldn't bank on him napping at the same time as the baby. My kids do nap at the same time, but they are good sleepers in general, and it's just sorta luck that Dora is still napping period (according to what I'm hearing).

You don't want to make the commitment to take on the responsibility of another baby until you are in a better place physically and mentally. It's not fair to you, or your family.

Melinda, not lucky, also skilfull, I've noticed that moms who firmly put their kids to bed in the afternoon can get them to sleep ;) I tell DD at almost 5 that if she does not want to take a nap, she can go to her room, get in her bed and close her eyes without sleeping. Works every time :)
Traci, do this when you are ready and excited about this. While some people say that having two close to each other is easier in the long term, they also invariably say that it is much harder in the short term. And if you're overwhelmed as it is......

[kijip]

Traci,

You have to make the decision, not your husband. You are the one carrying the child and from the sound of it, most of the workload after birth.

Besides, are you still in the small 2 bedroom apartment? It sounded like you had no room to set Sydney up with play stuff in a separate spot from where Jacob was napping. I am confused how that would work with 3 kids total. Imagine Sydney needing to work on homework, Jacob needing to play and new baby needing to nap. Where would they all go?

Your husband thinks it would be easy because 2 has been easy for him since it sounds like you do all the childcare work. There is nothing "easy" about adding a new baby, only "less hard"! You need to be ready and able to meet the challenges of caring for yourself and all the kids. Don't do anything you are not ready to do.