Shower for baby #3? Opinions please (Long)

[DagnyT]

I could use some honest input here. I am expecting baby #3. I have two DSs- 5.5 and 7.5 y.o. I have two dear friends who threw a lovely shower for me before the birth of DS1. We had no "event" prior to the birth of DS2- they are two weeks shy of being two years apart. We are now expecting baby #3- I am 44 so this will most likely be it for us ;-) Also our social network has changed to some extent over the past eight years. So now you have the lay of the land- now or the question!

We have friends- two couples (including the children's godparents)- with whom we spend a great deal of time. We were attending a shower for another friend- who was having a first baby. They (the two couples) mentioned they wanted to have a shower for us when the time got closer. I said that I thought it was very sweet of them, but that I didn't know that more than one shower was really called for. I have always understood (perhaps mistakenly!) there was a "rule" of sorts that people had one shower and that was it, and wasn't comfortable saying yes to such a generous offer. So what is modern day etiquette regarding showers. Several people, including the potential hosts, have mentioned the passage of time- i.e. it is not as though I had a baby shower a year ago.

I am torn. On one hand I don't want to seem greedy or inappropriate and I don't want to hit people up for another gift! On the other hand my friends really want to do this for us and frankly there are things we could use- certainly not to the same extent as with the first. Most of the items though are "big"- i.e. stroller, carseat, help at home during those first couple of weeks- I'm having a planned CS. One friend mentioned that it would be better to let people know what we want than to receive stuff we don't need! Personally, I like having the opportunity to do for my friends when they have special occasions arise. I thought about putting a wish list on our family website, but then thought, well a party would be more fun for everyone- guests, hosts, and us!

Please be candid!

Thank you!

[MelissaTC]

I think it is perfectly fine for your friends to throw you a shower. It has been some time since your last baby and I bet there are things you need, etc... I say let them do it and enjoy!

[deannanb]

I felt the same with with DS3 - I had most of what I needed -
but the friends said that every baby needs "a sprinkle!"

put what you want on the register!
You might be surprised at what people buy you.
you can always take back a bunch of little stuff to get the big stuff you "need"

the britax carseat showed up at my door one day from DH's friends from out of town!
that was a TOTAL surprise!

[sariana]

I didn't get to have a shower for DS. I was supposed to fly across the country, but he came two months early. So that never happened.

Then we moved across the country (back home, sort of). When I was pregnant with DD, the neighbor said she wanted to throw a shower for me. I mentioned the second child thing, and her response was, "We think all babies deserve to be recognized," or something like that. I thought that was nice. Also, none of these people knew us when DS was born, so they had never given gifts before.

If your friends want to give you a shower, let them. If you need certain things, set up a registry for them. I always appreciate being able to look at a registry to see what people need/want. (I wish people would do them for their kids' birthdays. I never know what to get.) It's nice that your friends want to do this for you.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I think it's fine to have a 2nd shower. I think it is nice to celebrate a new baby being born. :) I also agree that since there is the big age gap and you have new additions to your social circle that it makes sense.

I had a "sprinkle" for ds2. I had planned to throw my own "welcome baby" open house but my friends planned the sprinkle instead. They bought me gifts and bought little things for the baby. It was really nice.

I say go for it, make a wish list and have fun!

Beth

[BeccaB.]

I agree with previous posts. There is no reason you can't have a party if people want to throw you one. People will end up buying you stuff anyway, you might as well have a party and register for stuff you want. Besides every baby is a blessing. Why not celebrate it?

[elektra]

I definitely didn't expect a shower for #2. But some of my family insisted and I thought it was better to let them know how appreciative I was and just accept their offer.
I actually had more fun that I thought setting up a little registry and I realized I do need more than I initially thought too.
It sounds like in your case it would be totally fine to have them do a shower for you.

[WatchingThemGrow]

Let 'em do it! Every baby needs a little "welcome" to the world. I just feel bad if anyone asks me since the last one was just a little while ago...

You do NEED stuff, and people are happy to share in the joy.

[jayali]

First of all I want to say that I am weird about these things so take this with a grain of salt.

Baby showers and I, for some reason, don't agree. I have no problems with you registering because people will certainly want to buy you things, but to have a party and expect people to bring a gift doesn't sit well with me. The friends that want to have the party for you sound extremely generous, but they won't be the only people in attendance. Whenever a friend or neighbor has a baby shower I always end up buying something for the mother, not the child. When the child is born I send a gift and when I go see the child for the first time I bring a gift as well. In my family we don't celebrate the birth until it actually happens so when I get invited to a shower, no matter how close I am with the mother, I always feel like it is one more thing for me to buy.

I have this weird philosophy about baby showers. For some reason you are making an adult decision to bring life into this world and it doesn't sit well with me to expect people to outfit the parents to help with that decision. That said I always welcome a new baby with a gift.

So while your close friends want to have a party for you I am adding how some of the invitees may feel.

Remember I said I was weird about these things!!

[alexsmommy]

I think it's fine with that type of age spread b/w your first and last. Things expire, are ruined (my second boy is slowly trashing whatever toys DS1 didn't throw down the stairs himself lol) or are simply not state-of-the-art - which matters for certain items.
I know this is considered "wrong" by some people, but if it were me, I'd probably register somewhere like BRU so that if I got some things I didn't need or want, I could return them and put the credit towards the larger items. I mean, c'mon, how many packages of baby socks and receiving blankets does one need? Good luck.

[maestramommy]

I think it is perfectly fine for you to have another shower, esp. if your friends have changed and the new friends really want to do this for you. You can explain what your real needs are. I'm sure guests knowing this is your third child would understand that contributing to a stroller or carseat fund, or volunteering time is more helpful than yet another cute outfit, y'know?

[Coral]

First, I think it's fine with that time gap to have a shower if you have friends that want to throw one. Some people just want a chance to celebrate with you.

However, since what you really need or want most is probably help after the little one is born, why not do a party instead? Maybe mention on the invitations that gifts aren't necessary, but you'd like to spend some time with friends before the little one is born and this is a fun way to do it. You could also have one of the hosts of the shower include a little note in each invitation saying that it would be great if they could volunteer some time in lieu of a gift and explain that way. Obviously wording would have to be different but you get the idea. Another idea would be to have a "food" shower. Instead of gifts for baby ask each invite to bring a dish that freezes and reheats well so you have that set up when you get home...

-Coral

[elephantmeg]

absolutely. I had like 4 showers for DS and 2 for DD (and they are 2 years apart). I didn't expect any the second time but graciously accepted them! Enjoy!

[sste]

My advice: Do NOT have a baby shower because you need certain baby items. If my friends and relatives are any guide, you will not get a single thing on your registry at the shower and you will be inundated with out of season/size clothes, stuffed animals, cotton booties that won't stay on for a second, toys that you aren't comfortable having your child use for safety reasons, and general clutter. You will spend all of your time subsequently trying to return these items at stores that have all recently restricted their return policies. People buy things at baby showers that THEY want to buy, not that you need. I had fun at my shower and appreciate everyone attending and giving me a gift, don't get me wrong, but it was not helpful in that practical sense.

If you want to hang out with your friends and celebrate, then go for the shower! One option to consider may be a "frozen food shower" - - if you have enough freezer space. My friends are mostly great cooks and I have been intrigued by this idea - - everyone brings something frozen that you can have on hand for those first weeks with the baby. Or you could communicate to your two close friends who are organizing that you don't want to burden people and perhaps, very delicately suggested, party attendees can have the option of contributing a very modest amount, if they so desire, to a larger group gift - - and then focus of the shower can be on make your own onesies or some other fun activity rather than gift opening.

[kijip]

My friends went hog wild and for F's expected birth I ended up attending three showers (not overlapping groups- friends with kids, church and work) plus a very generous group gift from a 4th circle of people. Obviously, I did not instigate all this but it was very nice. There was 5 and 1/2 years between 1 and 2 and our social scene had changed a lot so I did not feel badly about it. I felt a bit overwhelmed but once I relaxed about it, it was all a lot of fun. Not just for the gifts, more so for the fun of the parties and community. Tasty cakes too! :)

I think that if someone offers to throw you a party the polite thing to do is to say thank you and go along with it.

[lizajane]

is this baby another boy?

i don't want to be the meanie, but you did ask us to be candid.

if you are having a third boy, i think it is tacky. sorry. i don't want to rain on anyone's parade.

for a girl, after 2 boys, i can totally understand people wanting to give you all the things you never had before that are gender specific. but maybe that is just where i live and who i hang out with. i always give baby gifts. i love giving baby gifts. but a 3rd baby, same gender, baby shower would feel excessive to me.

[sadie427]

I'm with Liza--wouldn't personally be thrilled to be invited to a shower for a second or third baby that was a traditional shower, especially with bigger items on the registry. I do agree with celebrating all babies--I would personally have a party after the baby was born and say "no gifts please," or a fun girl's lunch before the due date, again w/ no gifts expected.

[hellokitty]

If your friends want to throw you a shower, I think that's great. I think it's more the thought than the gifts that is so nice. I had baby showers for baby #1, none for baby #2, but that was no big deal since they were only 18 mo apart. We had a party though and most ppl did give us a gift. Now I am pg with baby #3. There is a 4 yr gap btwn my youngest and this baby. The problem is, I got rid of a lot of bigger baby gear during that time. I am certainly not expecting a baby shower, BUT I get a feeling a small group of friends may throw me a very casual one, and if this baby ends up being a girl (I have two boys), I think that ppl will probably be more enthusiastic about getting us baby gifts (ie: clothes). Luckily, the only thing I did keep was baby clothes, so we have tons of boy clothes. For the baby gear, I'm not expecting ppl to get us any of that, just trying to find things used and I am going to borrow a few items from another friend who isn't using their baby stuff now b/c they aren't sure if they are finished having kids yet or not.

[Corie]

I'm with Liza--wouldn't personally be thrilled to be invited to a shower for a second or third baby that was a traditional shower, especially with bigger items on the registry. I do agree with celebrating all babies--I would personally have a party after the baby was born and say "no gifts please," or a fun girl's lunch before the due date, again w/ no gifts expected.


I also agree with Sadie and Liza.

[MMMommy]

Let them throw the shower for you! It isn't as if you asked or hinted for a shower. These people obviously care for you and your family and want to celebrate the arrival of your third child. Nothing wrong with that!

[Fairy]

Another dissenting opinion, I'm afraid. I've always thought it was kind of piggy to have more than one baby shower, regardless of gender for the next ones. Now, I do think that with large gaps, like 10 years or more, a second shower is perfectly fine, becasue let's face it, everything changes by way of conventional wisdom on baby gear, how things are made, safety, etc. So, 10 years apart, sure, go for it.

But there are always exceptions, and it's often not even the mother to be that's in control of these things. Sometimes politics plays a role, where you just can't say no, it would offend the person wanting to give it. I would say that if you have a 2nd shower, it's what, 7 years later? That's kind of borderline for me, so I would say if someone's insisting, go ahead. You're gonna register anyway, so may as well just let it happen. But might want to keep in mind that some people feel very strongly about 2nd showers. Me, I'd go regardless and do the gift thing and just chock it up to not being that big a deal in the grand scheme of things.

If it is your 3rd boy, however, I'd say absolutely no to it. That's just me. I hope whichever way it turns out that you have yourslef a healthy baby and good time at your party if you have one.

[american_mama]

I say have the shower. I never think of baby showers as gift grabs, so I never think it's "greedy" to have more than one. To me, a baby shower is a party, a time to celebrate your impending new baby with friends. The interval between children or the number of children of one sex doesn't matter at all. When I buy a gift for anything, I try to buy something that fits my budget and is appropriate to the recipient, so I rarely feel taken advantage of.

As the replies here indicate, you really can't predict how people will interpret an invitation, so I say do what you want, be polite, and let the chips fall where they may.

[s7714]

I've gotten so specific about the things I do and don't want for babies, there's no way I'd open myself to getting a bunch of *stuff* from well meaning people for a 3rd baby! ;)

I do think however celebrating the impending joy of motherhood or a pregnancy, no matter how many times over, is worth a little gathering! I would definitely say yes to a party, but I'd personally say no gifts please, unless you really honestly need some stuff.

[urquie]

how about something like this...

A Meal Prep Baby Shower
Stocking the Mom-to-be's Freezer Before Baby Arrives

http://www.pregnancytoday.com/articles/baby-shower-information/a-meal-prep-baby-shower-5976/2/

[ellies mom]

I believe every baby deserves something special and deserves to be celebrated, so I'm all for showers.

[SASM]

I have a friend who had a shower for all three of her DCs (2 boys and 1 girl). I only had one shower for DS and that was it. Wish I'd had more, honestly. Not necesarily for the gifts but for the celebration and attention, honestly. Being a mom of two already, you can use a little attention, mama! :)

[Melbel]

I was in a very similar situation last year. We were expecting DD2, DS was 8 and DD1 was 6.

We politely declined offers for baby showers for DD1 because the children were so close together (DS and DD1 are only 20 months apart). We also felt that the people we would invite to a shower would be the same ones who would buy something regardless of a shower which was true. The problem with this plan was that by not having the shower before the baby was born, I had no idea what I would receive and ended up with many clothes items that were too small by the time we received them, and many other items that did not fit our needs. Without a shower, IME, people do not look for a registry to determine what your needs are and simply buy an outfit.

By the time I was pregnant with DD2, we had gotten rid of virtually all of our baby gear and our circle of friends had changed significantly. We accepted the offer of a couples baby shower that was fully catered, had specialty martinis and there was no gift opening at the shower. It was a very hip, grown up, fun shower and we received numerous items that we needed. It was a fun gathering regardless of the occasion. I was SO HAPPY that we had the shower and I have fond memories of our celebration of DD2's arrival. It brings a smile to my face just posting this response!

I have NEVER been offended by someone having more than 1 shower. If I am close enough to someone to be invited to their shower, in all certainty, I would have purchased a gift for them anyway. A registry helps me to buy something that will be needed and appreciated by the family. Unless it is a very close friend, I would not purchase another gift upon the arrival. However, I do routinely offer to bring a meal after the baby is born.

If someone is offended or did not like the idea of a shower for a subsequent child, I would hope they would simply decline the invitation. If you really need meals more than anything, I think it would be great to stock the freezer in lieu of more traditional gifts. Enjoy your last pregnancy and pending arrival!

[pinkmomagain]

Haven't read through all the responses, but I don't think it's in good taste to have showers after the first baby. And in this economy, I don't know what invitees will think about bringing a gift to a shower for a 3rd child.

However, if it is something that is well accepted in your neck of the woods, and your friends initiated the whole thing, and you are inviting *close* friends/family that would willingly give, then go for it!