How To Explain Sudden Unexpected Death to 4yo?

[randomkid]

FIL had surgery today for colon cancer. He made it through the surgery until the very end. They were finishing up when he coded and he did not make it. DD knows something is wrong because I was in the middle of Wal-Mart when DH called and told me. I was so shocked, I know I doubled over the cart and started crying. I told DD that her Papa is very sick - DH has been out of town at his Dad's preparing for the surgery, so she knows Daddy was already up there. I just need to be prepared to talk with her about this so she understands that she will never see her Papa again. I will be going up there Thursday, DD is staying here with my parents. I won't tell her until I get back so I have a little time to prepare for it.

Any suggestions?

Thanks

[elektra]

I'm sure others who have been through this themselves will have good advice. I just wanted to say I am so sorry for you, your DH, your DD and the rest of your family.

[mamicka]

No suggestions but I'm so sorry for your loss. many hugs.

[happy2bamom]

I am so sorry for your loss. I'm glad that you are giving yourself time to grieve and process all of this before you try to explain it to your DC. I found a nice book that I read to DS when my mom died, but it is faith based. If you are interested in a Christian book I am happy to share the title with you.

[jayali]

I am so sorry for you loss.

The only advice I have is to be as honest as possible, without going into details. Based on your religion you may have to answer questions like "What is heaven?" or "Where is heaven?" or "Where is his body?" Make sure that you and DH are on the same page. My husband and I are both Catholic, but we never discussed how we would handle this discussion with our son. We realized, after the fact, that we explained heaven and angels differently. Basically the same premise, but the danger is in the details, which they tend to focus on at that age.

I think you did good prep work by letting you DD know that he was sick. I guess I would "reinforce" that before you leave.

And the only other advice I have is for you to be prepared for any reaction. She may become hysterical or may be matter of fact. Everyone, including kids, grieve differently. I also am of the mindset that it is OK for your kids to know you are sad. Some people are not comfortable with that approach.

Again, so very sorry for your loss.

[brittone2]

I'm so sorry for your loss
:hug:

[Snow mom]

I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss :hug5:. Friends just recently went through this and I was actually surprised how well their DS understood what had happened. I get the impression that the trick is to explain honestly what happened without creating a scenario that your DD will fear something happening to herself or you. Avoid "went to sleep," of course. I'm sure the smart mommas here will have good ideas.

[egoldber]

I am very sorry. :(

I just want to echo being honest, but at their level. I would just say something like he was very sick, the doctors tried to help him, but sometimes people are too sick to be helped. Their bodies stop working and they die. Depending on her age, that may be all that is needed.

A terrific book is When Dinosaurs Die by Marc Brown. He explains a lot about death and answers many questions that children have about death and dying.

If it were me, I would not wait to tell her. She is going to want to know why you are leaving, what is happening and why everyone is so sad. Not telling her makes it into a "secret" and may make her even more scared than telling her.

[lovin2shop]

Great advise so far from pp's. Just wanted to say that I am very sorry for your loss.

[wolverine2]

So sorry...

Be as concrete as you can. Use the term "died" instead of passed away or another euphemism. You can say that died means his body stopped working, and this also means he doesn't feel anything any more (he won't get hungry, cold, etc). The "When Dinosaurs Die" book can also give you a good idea about what language to use, even if you don't share it with DD.

[TonFirst]

I have nothing to add, other than how very sorry I am for your family.

[kdeunc]

I am so sorry for your loss. I think that other posters have provided some good advice.

[wencit]

I have no advice, but I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am. :(

[alexsmommy]

Only have a second. Be sure to explain that Papa was "sick" with something she does not have and cannot get. This time of year kids are afraid they will get "sick" too - which makes literal sense. Be honest... no euphemisms - it only confuses them. No more info than necessary. Use the, "Well what do you think x means" in response to subsequent questions to make sure you are not over intepreting what she is asking. Be prepared to repeat the same information numerous times as she tries to process and make sense of it. Let her know its ok to be sad or to not be sad - whatever she feels is fine. Prepare her to see grown-ups being sad because they will miss Papa.

I am so sorry for your family's loss.

[MamaKath]

I am so sorry for your loss! How traumatic for your entire family!

[o_mom]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[Mamma2004]

I am so sorry for your loss. :hug:

I know you want to prepare yourself and DD for the terrible news but I honestly think it would be better to be honest with her tomorrow. It is never easy to share such news but I think *she* will be better off knowing (rather than hoping, praying, anticipating, living in denial, etc.) and *you* will be free to grieve and assume any necessary role throughout the ordeal.

I realize that you know your DD better than anyone and you may have insight that leads to your decision to put off telling her. I guess I should have said that in MY case, it would be a mistake to mislead DS, knowing that he would be hoping for the best and that I would spend days dreading the awful moment of truth.

Whatever you decide, my heart goes out to your family.

[randomkid]

I found a nice book that I read to DS when my mom died, but it is faith based. If you are interested in a Christian book I am happy to share the title with you.

I definitely want something faith based. Please share the title with me. Thank you

[thomma]

I'm so sorry for your loss. You've gotten good advice...I just wanted to share my story. My brother died unexpectedly in August. Telling ds and dd was one of the hardest things I've ever done. We were honest and used simple language. Ds had a harder time than dd. He "got" it while dd was uncomfortable because everyone was so sad and crying.

I'll be thinking of you and your family-

Kim
ds&dd 5/03

[Twoboos]

So sorry for your loss. It's harder to have to figure out how to explain to the kids.

Some books we have:

What's Heaven by Maria Shriver
I Miss You - a First Look at Death
Lifetimes (looks at the lifecycles of all things)
The Fall of Freddy the Leaf

You've gotten some great advice about how to tell her. Personally, I would be worried about telling her tomorrow and then you leaving to go to the services/etc. and her being w/your parents. For this reason I can see waiting until you are back. But as PP's have said, you know how she's likely to repsond the best.

When we told DD1 my mom died in Oct, she seemed basically fine about it. Weeks later, she was working on a school project about people in your family and wanted to include Mimi... and it clicked and she was hysterical. DDs talk about Mimi all the time now and still occassionally get upset about it. (In fact we just read the Heaven/I Miss you combo tonight!) Just know that questions and discussion can come up at any time, and likely catch you off guard.

Good luck with everything and sympathy to you and DH and your family.

[lfp2n]

I'm so sorry for your loss, its so tough with little kids, but when I had to do this recently I was very straightforward and simple. It was almost harder to not say 'too' much, as kids can be amazingly matter of fact on the outside, and you want to know whats going on inside.

We'll be thinking of your family

[randomkid]

You've gotten some great advice about how to tell her. Personally, I would be worried about telling her tomorrow and then you leaving to go to the services/etc. and her being w/your parents. For this reason I can see waiting until you are back. But as PP's have said, you know how she's likely to repsond the best.

This is exactly why I was planning on waiting. DH has been gone for a week and DD has been having a hard time already. I don't want to tell her about her Papa, then leave the next day. I will be gone for 4-5 days. I plan to tell her that I am going to help Daddy because Papa isn't doing well. When I come home, I will tell her that he died.

Thanks to all the PPs for the advice and the book recommendations. I will check those out and will also ask at her preschool. I do plan to keep it very concrete and use the word died. When our dog died, I avoided "put to sleep", etc. She was younger then and understands more now, so I will try to explain as simply, but as directly as possible.

Thank you all for your kind words. My heart is breaking for DH and DD right now. DH lost his Mom 14 years ago and DD just adored her Papa. She now only has my parents left for g-parents.

[dcmom2b3]

I'm so sorry. For you, your DH and your DD, too.

You've gotten great advice in PPs, I have little to add except that being prepared yourself to deal with her follow-up questions or delayed reaction has been really important, IME.

I gave the Bunny the short, factual take on her father's death. And she took it well. What I wasn't so well prepared for were her questions weeks later. ("Questions," may be too, generous a term. She's two, so there's still lots of grunting and pointing involved in any conversation). I've found that inviting her to talk about him, and empathizing -- "Yeah, I miss Papa, too" -- seem to provide what she needs right now. But I know now that I need to stay a couple of steps ahead of her on this point, so that I don't get caught flatfooted again.

[egoldber]

Yes, the follow up questions continue for a long time. In fact, Sarah has very recently started asking very specific questions about Leah's death, wanting to know exactly how and why she died.

But I was very surprised at how often she would ask the same questions again and again, sometimes going a few weeks inbetween, but then sometimes every day for weeks at a time.

Everyone processes death and grief differently, even children.

[s7714]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

We lost DHs grandmother very sudden and unexpected in September due to a heart attack. I told my DDs (3 1/2 and 5 1/2) matter of factly that Great Grandma's heart had stopped working and she died which meant we wouldn't see her in person ever again. I left it at that and have just fielded whatever questions they came up with. They really didn't ask as many questions as I expected initially. After the funeral they started asking the "where's her body and what happens to it?" questions. Christmas brought about a lot of questions because we always had family Christmas at her house, so it was really apparent to them then that things had changed when Christmas wasn't at GG's house. It's now five months later and they still come up with questions out of the blue or when they come across a reminder of their GG. I'm sure they'll be processing it for a long time to come.

Good luck and hugs! :grouphug:

[karolyp]

Kim - I am just sorry for your lost. My prayers are with you and your family.

[klwa]

My mom died last year in April, when DS was 2, so I've been where you are to an extent. DNephew had just turned 5. If I were you, I wouldn't wait until you get back. Tell her now. We've explained it in terms of dying, and also "going to live with Jesus". We visit the cemetary when I go home to visit Daddy & talk abotu "visiting Mam" when we're there. I'm not sure DS really gets it yet, but DNieces & Nephews do, since they live there & are older. At 4, she's old enough to kind of "get" the whole picture. If you're up for it, have her make a card for her Daddy, or one to go into the casket with her Grandpa, since she won't be able to be there for the funeral.

Hugs, honey.