Moms who use daycare: Need advice

[ha98ed14]

Man, I feel like the hits just keep on coming. DH got home yesterday after a district wide meeting where they told him that all teachers in the district are going to have to take a major pay cut 8%. For us that translates to $500 less per month. This is the exact monthly cost of my daycare.

This morning when I dropped off DD, the DCP and one boy (22 mos) were playing in the side yard off the playroom (there is a sliding glass door). This yard is fenced with a picket fence. I asked where the other little boy (3 yrs) was. She said he was in the playroom playing. I could not see if the sliding door was open. I imagine it was, but red flags went up for me because this little boy was without someone in the same room with him.

Then we started talking and I said I might need to cut DD back to 2 days per week and not 3 because of DH's pay cut. She understood, but encouraged me to leave DD in as much as possible because she needs to get used to being there. This is only DD's 4th week. The first 2 weeks were great. She did not cry when I left, was happy, etc. Last week and this week, drop offs have been really hard. She was hysterical both Tues and today. Of course I feel guilty. She has had a cold these past 2 weeks, but still, I am afraid I am missing something. I do believe that this DCP is very good. She comes highly recommended and when we arrive to pick DD up she is happy, clean and attended. But I am worried because at first she seemed to love it, but now cries hysterically when I go.

Then the last hit was that DCP told me she is taking on a newborn! There are only 3 kids right now at this DCP: 2 boys (22 mos and 3yrs.) plus my DD (22 mos), who is part time Tues Thurs and some Fridays. But when I chose this DCP, it was because she was small and there were only a few kids. In my conversation this morning with DCP, it was clear that her H is pressuring her to take on more kids. I guess the most she ever had was 5. But when I first interviewed her, she said she liked to keep it small because it is just too tiring to have 5. She is older than me, probably about 45-47.

I think I am most freaked out by this: that she will take on an infant and the kids won't be as well attended as they would be if there are just 3 toddlers. Infant needs are just so different. What if she has to go attend the newborn and must leave the older 3 alone? But then at the same time, the DCs must be alone sometimes because DCP has to go to the bathroom, right?

I feel so lost. I am thinking about just dropping out of school all together to stay home with DD full time. I really do not want to do that because having school keeps me from completely losing my mind, but if I don't have good daycare, I will be worried all the time.

There is a possibility that I can get my old DCP who was a friend to take DD back for next fall and school year, after she has her 2nd (which is why I had to find a new DCP in the first place.) So I could re-enroll in school next fall.

I feel so stuck. WWYD? Is the 3 year old alone in the playroom a red flag? What about getting a newborn? Any advice or perspectives would be appreciated. DH is great, but he leaves these decisions to me and I don't know what the freak to do!

[AnnieW625]

My daughter has been going to daycare full time since she was 4 mos old and didn't have much of a problem with dropoffs until she was about 14 mos. old and off and on even up until about 6 mos. ago (she's almost 3 now). I think it's normal for kids to go through this phase. Sometimes it's brought on by another crying child at daycare, or like you said her cold could be bugging her too so she doesn't feel quite right. Your daycare provider is probably right and it's best to keep her there as many days as you can possibly afford to get her used to the schedule.

The only red flag in my honest opinion is that if your daycare provider has more than 3 children under the age of 3 she needs to have a second helper; so if she adds more infants or kids she'll need more help. The ratio in California for toddlers under 3 is 3 to 1. Right now she is fine because she has two 22 mos. olds, and will be fine even with the newborn. I also highly doubt the 3 year old would play alone in the playroom by himself, he'll eventually warm up to your DD, and the other little boy.

Good luck and I am sure everything will work out fine.

[boolady]

For me, the boy being left alone is a big red flag. I would not be okay with DD being left alone while the DCP and other providers are outside. This is absolutely not permitted at DD's daycare. I don't know if this DCP is accredited, but if so, your state should have provider/child ratios based upon age. Does she ever have help? I am not familiar with an in-home provider, but I don't think I'd want DD and other kids left to their own devices in someone's home while the DCP is tied up in the bathroom with one child. Is her home appropriately childproofed?

ETA: I wouldn't overtly worry about her being clingy this week as an independent thing. DD been going to daycare for a long time at this point, and has weeks where she doesn't seem to notice that I'm leaving and barely waves goodbye, and weeks where I get the "Mommy, I neeeeeeeed you." DD is almost 2.5, and her emotional state seems to be, um, in flux. :)

[kijip]

I would not consider the crying at drop off to be a red flag huge flag but the other things give me pause.

I can't presume to tell you what is best for your schooling and family but have you looked at any options besides staying there or dropping out? Could a family member be paid to provide care on a pt basis so you can go to class and study? Is there a low cost center on the college campus? (we paid $4 an hour for a good preschool program at the college my husband attended. It worked out to be about $1100-1200 a quarter for pt hours). Anyway to do some of the classes in the evening or online? If you do take a break from school I encourage you to make sure it is for no more than 1-2 quarters as anything longer than that and statistically speaking people are less likely to ever get around to re-enrolling.

[bubbaray]

I guess it depends on what you mean by alone and how close a supervising adult was. I'm sure that my girls are not in my DCPs sight at all times. They aren't in *my* sight at all times when we are at home. We have a large house and I regularly go upstairs to get dressed in the morning and leave them downstairs on the main floor to play in the family room.

My DCP has taken on more children than she led me to believe she usually had, including a baby. It all seems to work out and she's never over her numbers that she's allowed per licensing. I would check with your licensing authority and find out how many children of what ages are allowed and go from there.

[mommylamb]

Like the other posters, I wouldn't worry at all about the clinging at drop off. That'll just happen from time to time. My DS can be clingy in the morning sometimes, but in the evening when I pick him up he sometimes cries because he doesn't want to leave.

I would however be concerned about the child left to play on his own. I'm not sure if I'm just over protective, but that just doesn't sit well with me.

We switched DS to a home daycare recently because our two favorite teachers at his center left to open up the home daycare center we went to. I'm glad that there is two of them because then I don't have to worry about what happens when they have to go the bathroom. They are in the process of hiring someone who will fill in when one of the two is sick or goes on vacation.

[ha98ed14]

I guess it depends on what you mean by alone and how close a supervising adult was. I'm sure that my girls are not in my DCPs sight at all times. They aren't in *my* sight at all times when we are at home. We have a large house and I regularly go upstairs to get dressed in the morning and leave them downstairs on the main floor to play in the family room.

My DCP has taken on more children than she led me to believe she usually had, including a baby. It all seems to work out and she's never over her numbers that she's allowed per licensing. I would check with your licensing authority and find out how many children of what ages are allowed and go from there.

She was probably less than 20 feet away. She could see into the plaroom as the sliding door is in the middle of the wall of the playroom. I talked it over with DH and he thinks I should not freak out and yank DD outta there. DCP had been doing this for 17 years, at least 8 of them in this house and neighborhood. She has also had both boys since they were very young, so she knows how far they can be trusted. I guess I just freaked out.

I was at a baby shower last night for a friend and a young woman from my church approached me asking if I needed a babysitter. She is looking for something part time on the days I need. But other than the fact that she goes to my church, I don't really know her. There are several young college age women at our church who nanny, but they charge $10/ hour, which I realize is the going rate for a babysitter, and on the rare occations I use a night babysitter, this is what we pay. But I cannot afford $10/hour for 6 hours per day, which is what it would work out to if she nannied for me during the day. I told her what I currently pay and told her this is what I can afford and asked if she was willing to do it for that much. She said to give her a call and we could work something out. Not sure exactly what that means. I dunno. Should I pursue it? I do know that she has baby sat for a lot of other families and they all love her.

[AnnieW625]

I never looked into a nanny because we couldn't afford it but DCP has taken kids that are your DD's age or a little younger after they've been with a nanny since newborn and they sometimes have a really hard time adjusting to daycare once they start going. Again I think I'd wait out the situation a bit longer w/your current DCP and see how it goes.

[ha98ed14]

I never looked into a nanny because we couldn't afford it but DCP has taken kids that are your DD's age or a little younger after they've been with a nanny since newborn and they sometimes have a really hard time adjusting to daycare once they start going. Again I think I'd wait out the situation a bit longer w/your current DCP and see how it goes.

Yeah, the message I was trying to send this young woman was, "If you are willing to watch my DD for this amount, which is what I currently pay and can afford, great! But if not, I am leaving DD where she is." The young lady said we "could work something out." But I can't pay any more than I am already paying. So if she wants more, end of story.

From the research I have done, people are pulling their kids out of daycare and laying off their nannies or cutting their hours. There are lots of people right now looking for kids to watch. That is why my current DCP took on another kid: she needs the money. And that makes me nervous because in my mind I think DCP cannot be taking as good of care of my DD and the toddlers she already has if she is looking after a new baby. DO you think this is true? My friend (who has a 3 y.o. and a 1 y.o. and is preggo with #3) said that she thinks it would not be bad because little babies don't do much. Toddlers are the ones who need the interaction and monitoring. I see her point, but I still feel like it takes time away from the kids she already has. I'm in North O.C.

Annie: So if she has 2 22 mo olds and a 3 month old and one 3 year old, that is still legal because the 3 y.o. is not counted in the 3 under 3 group? She does not have help. It's just her.

[egoldber]

I would not personally be that comfortable with that many small children and one caregiver, even if it's legal. I would be more comfortable with a wider age range.

I know a lot of kids who cry at dropoff for preschool even after years of going. I don't think it's that unusual. Some kids are just not good at transitions.

The 3 year old being in the next room wouldn't necessarily bother me depending on how the other room is set up.

[ha98ed14]

I would not personally be that comfortable with that many small children and one caregiver, even if it's legal. I would be more comfortable with a wider age range.

Beth: When it was just one 3 y.o. and one 22 mo. and my DD (also 22 mo.) It was 3 kids around the same age who all parallel played in the same room with the same stuff: Easy to watch together in my mind.

But then throw in an infant, and the infants needs are so different that I freaked. Are you saying that you think it is too many kids (4 total) or that the 4 need to be more spread out in ages?

Here I thought I had found this great situation! Ugh!

[egoldber]

Right, adding in the 4th kid, with that kid being a newborn, seems to make it too much IMO. If the 4th kid had been a 4 year old, I'd probably feel differently.

[StantonHyde]

Our ratios here are 1-4 for children under 2. While babies are needy, they also sleep alot. I would leave her where she is and see how it goes.

As for fussing--the best thing I have done is to sit in the classroom a while (my DCs are at a center) and watch other kids at drop off. Some of them will holler like crazy and by the time the parent is at the front door, they have stopped. On the flip side, if I picked them up and they were sobbing, that would be different. Your DD needs some time to get used to a new DCP and house etc. It sounds like she is doing fine.

School is VERY important--especially in tough economic times. You need to be able to take care of yourself and DD as well as help out your family. Finishing school will let you do that.

[bubbaray]

I think you need to check your state's licensing ratios. Here, it is 1 under 12m, 2 under 24m and 3 under 36m -- NOT all together. For example, if you had 1 12mo, 2 x 22mo, you could not have any more children unless they are older than 36m. So, if the 3yo is older than 36m, her numbers would be legal here.

*I* wouldn't have a problem with that number, babies sleep a lot.

[egoldber]

LOL! Some babies sleep a lot. ;) My view on this is very much colored by the fact that Amy was a horrible sleeper and a fussy baby who had to be held 24/7.