DD's friend hospitalized- couple of questions

[SummerBaby]

I just learned the very very sad news that DD1's friend from swimming lessons (we've known her about a year) has been diagnosed with leukemia and has just started chemo at a hospital 2 hours away. She will be there for at least a month. We're going to send her a card, and a picture that DD made, but I'd like to send her a little treat too. Anyone have any ideas other than a coloring book or stuffed animal? It should be easy to mail, if possible. She just turned 3 years old. I am just so sad for her and her family.

My other question is, how do I explain this to DD (she is 4.5)? I don't want to scare her with too many details, but she will definitely want to know where her friend is, and what is wrong with her, etc. DD is very sensitive, and somewhat anxious.

Thanks for any suggestions. I am just so sad about this now I feel like I'm not thinking straight. :(

Val
DD1 7/04
DD2 7/07

[infomama]

I am so sorry. Perhaps sending her a card a week to her would be a good idea (TJ's has some pretty cards for .99 each) and even include a happy photo of your DD. I like the idea of a stuffed animal she can cuddle with. Perhaps a movie?

I wouldn't go into the details of her illness with your DD as it may confuse and scare her. When she asks, I would tell that her friend is not feeling well and has to spend some time in the hospital so she can get some very special medicine to make her better. I think that will suffice but you may have to tweak it as you know your DD. No personal experience, just my thoughts.

PT and P to you all.

[justlearning]

My younger son was diagnosed with lymphoma (treated like leukemia) when he was 21 months old. At the time, my older son was 4 years old. We told him that his brother has cancer, which means that he's going to be sick for awhile and have to go the clinic often (we're fortunate enough to have a local kids' oncology clinic so he doesn't have to stay in a hospital while being treated). We told him that it'd take awhile before he'd get completely better, but we'd get through it all together. That description seemed to work well with our son. When he asked us what cancer meant, we just described it in a very basic way--about how his cells were doing weird things to make him sick so he would need lots of medicine to help him get better.

Personally, I wouldn't recommend trying to make it sound like she's just a little sick for a short period of time. Because it'll become very evident to your daughter that you're lying if you say that. Having her friend be unable to play with her (that could last a long time, depending on how low her counts are and the parents' concern about her getting sick from other kids), seeing her friend lose her hair and not have energy and complain about pain in her legs, etc.--IMO a 4-year-old will be able to tell that something serious is going on. So, I think the truth is best.

Having said that, I will note that I never described in detail what the treatments were that our son was actually getting at the clinic. For example, DS1 knew that DS2 would be getting a "spinal tap" on a certain day because he wouldn't be able to eat anything that morning but I didn't tell DS1 what exactly a spinal tap involved, and he never asked.

Regarding what you can do for your daughter's friend, something that a mom on this board sent us was one of the best gifts he received--a portable basket full of fun crafty things to do (with lots of assorted things to make whatever he wanted to do). When the child has long days of treatment (being hooked up to IVs), having something fun to do is very appreciated. Most kids also tend to watch lots of videos so DVDs (that she doesn't already have) are also great. And like the PP said, cards are great too--and include ones for any siblings that she has. Oh, another nice gift we got was a photo album that his mom's-day-out teacher compiled with photos of him that she had taken and photos of all his friends. It was nice to be able to look at the photos and talk about his friends, etc. I realize that what a 4-year-old girl would want is different than a 2-year-old boy so I probably can't be of much more help with gift ideas.

OK, I'm running out the door now and quickly typing with no time to read this over but I pray that your daughter's friend's treatment goes well and that she recovers quickly. If she has a caringbridge website set up (if she doesn't, please recommend that site to her--it's WONDERFUL!!), another thing that I'm sure and the parents would appreciate is frequent entries into her guestbook--I always love reading the entries into my son's and they were an emotional lifesaver for me during our darkest days. HTH!

[mbbailey]

I'm sorry about your daughters friend. Maybe some reading books with lively pictures and fun stories. It would be nice for her parents or relatives visiting her to read them to her.

[torontomom]

I think it is important that your DD knows that her friend is very sick but that the doctors and nurses are taking great care of her. You can tell her that her friend is getting special medicine to help her feel better and that the medicine will make her feel yucky and her hair might even fall out but after she's done the medicine she'll feel better and her hair will grow in again.

I'd recommend not giving a stuffed animal, unless you know there is something that she really likes. My DD got dozens of stuffed animals. We ran out of room for them. Oh, and I'm sure you wouldn't do this, but no hair bows/accessories. You'd think this would be obvious but several people sent them to my DD.

Here are some ideas for you:

Books - early chapter books were great to read during procedures and tests. Things like Frog and Toad, Amelia Bedelia...there are lots of previous threads that have suggestions for 1st chapter books. If you don't think she's at that level, any kind of book is great - many of the Robert Munsch ones were favourites of ours.

Wall stickers that are removable - we weren't allowed to tape anything on the walls but we could put up removable wall stickers. They were great. They really brightened up the room and left no marks at all when we removed them.

Window stickers - we found a bunch at the dollar store. Dora, Disney Princess...

DVDs - several PPs mentioned this as well. We watched more TV than we ever had before. The hospital had quite a few DVDs, but it was nice having some of our own as well.

Stickers - DD loved stickers. The hospital had lots of craft supplies, but not many stickers.

I'm sure I'll think of other things later, but that's what comes to mind now for things that are easy to mail.

I also have ideas for gifts for the family (if you would like to give them something). Gift cards/certificates for the hospital cafeteria were great. A wonderful group of friends also arranged to have dinners provided to us from a local restaurant and many, many people brought us frozen food. DC2 was 18 months when DD was diagnosed and not having to worry about dinner for our little one was such a help for us.

Hugs and prayers for your DD's friend and her family.

[mbbailey]

:hug:to Torontomom.

[kayte]

I might send a game that family can play on a hospital tray--maybe Zingo or something similar. My just turned 3 yo loves that game. It would give them something to do together to pass the time. HABA makes lots of games in miniature that might be easier to play on a tray. We have their mini memory game--it's pretty cute and has two ways to play it--which might be important if they play it a lot.

Also teacher stores have lots of option for window clings--- you could get her spring set to decorate her window and door that would be removable.

[GoBlue]

In addition to the great suggestions from PP, I would be sure to explain to your daughter that leukemia isn't contagious, and that she can't catch it. You might explain to her that her friend's blood is sick.

I think you've heard some great gift suggestions......

All the best.....

[jayali]

A friend's daughter had the same diagnosis last December. My son and their daughter had never met, but we exchanged Christmas cards and birthday card for the kids so even though they didn't know each other my son often spoke about his "friend". When she got sick I decided to tell him. I told him that she had gotten sick and was in the hospital taking medicine and the medicine was making her not feel well, even though it was helping her. We made cards and sent stickers and books almost every week. My son and their daughter became "pen pals" of sorts when she was up to it. He prayed for his friend every night and I would update him on her progress. They had a website where they posted pictures and updates and I would let him look at the pictures - he had some questions about the tubes and things and I answered them as best I could. He doesn't seem traumatized by the event. We still talk about his "friend" she has been having treatment for over a year now and is doing very well. They still exchange pictures and we still send small gifts to their family - depending on her counts they are confined so we try to send something they can all use. We do Games, Color Wonder, Stickers and now that she is out of the hospital we even send Webkins. When they were in the hospital the first few months they donated their stuffed animals to the hospital because for some reason she was not allowed to have them.
The first week of treatment I found a beautiful blanket and had her name embrodiered (sp) on it. I made sure it was washable. They really loved that. She still uses it and calls it her special blanket.
Truthfully, she will be pretty sick the first few months so I would keep the gifts small. Coloring books and stickers may be all she can handle.
I hope that she does as well as my friend's daughter - the road is long so I will pray for them.

[JTsMom]

Sending good thoughts to your DD'S friend and her family. How heartbreaking. :(

As far as sending things, one really easy option for a surprise little pick me up is to have the gift shop send up some baloons or something similar. I love all of the ideas mentioned above as well. I definitely second the suggestion for food gc's for the family as well. When DS was in the hospital for his surgery, we were just on autopilot, and doing anything for ourselves, including eating, seemed like such a chore. Anything to make that sort of thing easier is so helpful.

[Hallie_D]

You've gotten some great advice here. When my nephew was in the hospital with leukemia (diagnosed just after his 2nd birthday), books, easy art supplies, and age-appropriate DVDs were very much appreciated as they helped pass time during some long, long days.

[SummerBaby]

Thank you to all who responded. You all had great ideas. Torontomom, I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you especially for your reply.

So far, DD's friend is on day 7 of chemo and doing well. Her mom said she is nauseous, but still wants to be up and playing all day, so that was good to hear.

Val
DD1 7/04
DD2 7/07

[ha98ed14]

I am so sorry. Perhaps sending her a card a week to her would be a good idea (TJ's has some pretty cards for .99 each) and even include a happy photo of your DD. I like the idea of a stuffed animal she can cuddle with. Perhaps a movie?


I second the movie idea. But I think sending a pic of your healthy, smiling DD would not be appreciated. If you have a picture of the girls together, or if DD could draw a picture of them together, that would be encouraging to send, I think. But just a pic of your happy, smiling DD at a time when their DD is very sick and sad is not a good idea IMO.

[SummerBaby]

I second the movie idea. But I think sending a pic of your healthy, smiling DD would not be appreciated. If you have a picture of the girls together, or if DD could draw a picture of them together, that would be encouraging to send, I think. But just a pic of your happy, smiling DD at a time when their DD is very sick and sad is not a good idea IMO.


Actually, her mom specifically asked if I would send a picture of DD because her DD enjoys looking at pictures of her friends and finds it comforting. I can see where you're coming from though.......

Val
DD1 7/04
DD2 7/07

[infomama]

Actually, her mom specifically asked if I would send a picture of DD because her DD enjoys looking at pictures of her friends and finds it comforting.

Yep...this is where I was coming from with this suggestion.

[torontomom]

Other things that would be easy to mail are:

Fun socks - http://www.littlemissmatched.com/Catalog/girls-socks (they have fun slippers there too)

Fun pajama pants/comfy leggings

Bracelet - beaded, glow-in-the dark or maybe your DD could make one for her friend

Sticker book - http://www.amazon.com/Dollhouse-Family-Sticker-Stories/dp/0448418312/ref=pd_bbs_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1235232281&sr=8-3

Nail polish - I'm pretty sure there are safe ones designed for kids (no nasty chemicals or smells)

I personally wouldn't send balloons (unless your DD really wants to) because she's likely got tons already and hospital rooms aren't all that big.

If you could split the gifts and send one or two little things every week, I think that would be better than sending them all at once.