Best way to find a marriage counselor?

[elektra]

DH and I really need to see someone. I know I am hormonal right now but I am really worried about us. My conversations with him about my concerns are just not getting through, and I feel like we need to make some agreements in front of an objective 3rd party.
However, I don't want to just crack open the phone book. For anything else I try to ask around and get word of mouth recommendations but in this case I am not wanting anyone to know what is going on.
I used to see someone individually, but I never really liked him.
Help!

[WatchingThemGrow]

One of the associate ministers at our church did our premarital counseling and will see us whenever we feel the need. He is very gifted in communication and is a great 3rd party. He's very encouraging as well.

He let us do this marriage workshop thing online once and went through the answers/output with us for a couple hours. We got cut short when DD puked all over herself in the stroller, but it was really helpful to have something where we each evaluated things on our own time, reflected, then discussed things with someone else.

[mbbailey]

If you are using your health insurance, the insurance websites doc find search feature should list the therapist by their focus. With Aetna you do a search in your area and it gives a list of docs and their specialty.

[maestramommy]

There is a minister that gave a talk at our church Valentines party. He is a pastoral counselor and works for a local non-profit organization. In talking with him it seems that the organization serves many faiths, and in fact, if you are not religious it doesn't seem to matter. He has both an MDiv and MS(?) in psychotherapy. He does a LOT of marital counseling. Perhaps there is such an organization in your area?

Hope you find someone that can help :hug:

[justkim]

Try www.psychologytoday.com Lots of therapists post their profiles and who they see (ie:Married couples, children etc..) and it's searchable by zip code.

[lizajane]

ask your MD to recommend someone. do an initial visit/interview and if the fit isn't right, move on to the next recommendation.

also, if you have close friends with whom you share secrets, you could try some wording like,
"i am looking for a professional counselor who can help DH and me come up with some strategies for better communication. i'd like to check in with someone just to maintain our positive relationship during this hectic time in our lives with young kids and the challenges they bring."

[elektra]

Thanks.
I'm wondering if we should get in touch with the priest who did our pre-Cana with us. SIL is a member there (well so are we but we haven't set foot in the place in 2 years) and it's what she recommended when I shared some of our issues with her before DD was born. But I feel like maybe that might not be the best thing since we are not really religious and haven't shown up at church in forever.
So luckily I do have 2 people that I can talk to about our issues, including SIL (DH's sister) as she knows how her brother can be and she has become a good friend.
My best friend who I confide in is single and doesn't have first hand knowledge of counselors or even marriage for that matter.
I didn't even think of asking my doctor. I do like my primary care physician and maybe that's the way to go.
I also looked at sittercity today. ;) I think just getting some alone time together would really help us too (I was one of the "rarely if ever gets a sitter" folks from that thread).

[DietCokeLover]

I am trained as a marriage and family therapist. I would recommend the following ways of locating someone...
1. check with local churches that you have heard positive things about and call and ask if they have counselors on their staff
2. Call the state's licensing board for professional counselors or marriage and family therapists and ask for a list of counselors in your area. You could also ask for a recommendation from them.
3. If you have a university in your area, and they have a master's level counseling program, I'd call the department and ask for a recommendation, or even see one of the professors in the program. They often have private practices on the side.

I applaud you for taking the steps to protect your marriage before things get too far along. I hope you are successful in finding someone who you both can feel safe with.

[DrSally]

Definitely don't just crack open a phone book. Too bad you didn't like your indiv therapist, you could've asked him. What about your OB? Sometimes even your insurance company can have suggestions based on who's "popular" and tends to get a lot of referrals. Oh, good idea, pp, call your local university's clinical psych program and ask for a referral. If there's a prof who specializes in marriage and family, they should know of someone. You don't know this person, so don't be embarrassed, they can point you in the right direction. Good for you for taking this step, I know it's hard. Oh, get a number of names and if you don't like the first one you see, move on!

[kellij]

I think when I went I called my insurance co to see who would be covered. The list wasn't very long, so I picked that way. I didn't love the first person I went to see so I tried someone else. LOVED HIM! I think a lot of it is personality fit/needs, so you may need to try a couple of different people. For what it's worth, I made DH go with me to see him about a year and a half ago. All it took was one visit and it made a huge difference for us. It was great to have a neutral party to talk through issues and it was also good for showing DH that I wasn't kidding around and he needed to pay attention to what I was trying to tell him. One huge issue for me was that he always works late. I just wanted him to call me if he wasn't going to be home by 7. I had tried every way I could think of to get him to do this for 3 years. I was so frustrated and hurt every day when he didn't call. The counselor suggested to him that the call me at 6:30 every day just to let me know how things were coming. The shift in the way of thinking was all it took. He's done it pretty regularly since then, a year and a half ago. So I have great faith in what can be accomplished.

[bubbaray]

Do you have an EAP plan through your/DH's work?? You might find a counsellor through that route.

[KBecks]

If you attend church, I would ask at your church or your church / demonination's area offices. We found a counselor who was great, I think my husband called the archdiocese or some Catholic organization to get a referral.

I'd also recommend a phone interview with the counselor to see how they work before making a commitment to a meeting. Try to talk for a few minutes, and see how it all feels. I called one out of the phone book and was very turned off by the person because they seemed to want to diagnose my DH as depressed so they could bill insurance. It gave me the creeps!

ETA: We did self-pay because we did not want it on insurance records.

[KBecks]

You may want to see if your diocese does marriage retreats or workshops. Those can be a nice refresher. It shouldn't matter at all that you've been not so active in the church. Our marriage counselor was somehow affiliated with a Catholic organization but we never came close to talking religion in counseling.

[amandabea]

Check with your company to see if you have an Employee Assistance Program. They'll be able to provide you with a referral/list of resources. I work with a few of my companies EAP couselors and they are great.

[elektra]

There is an EAP program through our insurance (through DH's work). I just saw the packet that DH brought home last week on the table but had completely forgotten about it until just now. Yeah! just found it at the bottom of the paper recycling bin.

[maylips]

Just wanted to send hugs to you! I admire you for taking an active approach in improving communication before it gets to be too large of a problem to handle.

FWIW, DH and I went to marriage counseling a few years ago and DID find someone in the phone book! Smaller town, probably, but we were lucky and it helped us tremendously. We've since moved, and I've often wondered if we should find someone else - not because anything is wrong, but just to head things off and keep the lines of communication open. It's SO easy to get in a roommate rut, especially when dealing with raising young kids. But it's hard to find someone without asking around and I definitely emphasize with your desire for privacy.

Anyway, just wanted to tell you WAY TO GO.

[elektra]

Thanks. ;)
Even though we don't have screaming fights and to my knowledge no "3rd party" influences, that still doesn't mean things could use some DEFINITE improvement between us. And I only see the new baby making things worse in that regard, not better.
When I mentioned it to DH this morning, he kind of balked at first but when I explained it a different way, he could not deny that we could use some help.
There was something specific that happened on Sunday that just set off some major red flags about how bad things have gotten between us.
I feel that it's not too late for us, but if we continue down the road we are on, it very well may be, sometime in the not so distant future.

[DrSally]

I agree with pp's about getting a feel over the phone for the therapist (they will be doing the same of you). Also, they do have to give one party a diagnosis. Marital therapy isn't covered by the vast majority of insurance plans.

ETA: unless you want to pay out of pocket.

[DietCokeLover]

Dr. Sally is correct about one person in the couple having to have a diagnosis for insurance to pay. Marital therapy is a "v code" which most insurances do not cover. However, there are some pretty "mundane diagnoses" that can be used that do not put a "negative" label on the person.

[Thatchermom]

I can't speak truly for a Catholic church, but I can't think it's really all that different in this aspect. As a pastor's wife I would say call the church, or some church of any kind. They regularly refer, usually keeping a ready list of trusted counselors. And they don't care whether you regularly attend or not, they just want to help!

[doberbrat]

just wanted to say "thanks" for bringing this up and for the responses- I'm in need of the help/advise as well.