K teacher is very concerned about DS

[caribbeanmama]

Well, we had our conference yesterday and I received some really depressing news about DS. Just to give you an idea about his school - it is a two way Spanish/English immersion school that is part of our public school system. DS does language arts/social studies in English in the morning and math and science in Spanish in the afternoon.

All through the fall DS seemed to really enjoy school. He really had no issues and he was progressing. Two weeks into January he started to withdraw and became very quite in class. Basically, since January he stopped making any progress, looks sad all the time, does not participate in class, and has no motivation according to the teacher. She actually stated that DS exhibits the classic signs of an abused child. That was a tremendous blow for me to hear that description of my child. I don't think DS is being bullied at school, btw. Oh, and another thing that DS did recently at home was to compare himself with another little boy in class who supposedly is very smart. We were making dinner and DS actually said that he was not as smart as Adam. That broke my heart because that has never happened before. Never at his two years of preschool, which was play based or otherwise. At home, DS is very expressive. He is an enthusiatic child who loves to be outside. We have been having some discipline issues with our middle son and I have been yelling more than usual that's for sure. In addition, DH has been working incredible hours for many months now and I know that the children miss him dearly.

At this point, I have identified (I think) the things that could be affecting him stemming from home. DH and I will have a serious talk about what can be done at home to help DS. I would really welcome some suggestions as to how best to deal with this situation. I really want to help DS and this is killing me.

[brittone2]

Well, we had our conference yesterday and I received some really depressing news about DS. Just to give you an idea about his school - it is a two way Spanish/English immersion school that is part of our public school system. DS does language arts/social studies in English in the morning and math and science in Spanish in the afternoon.

All through the fall DS seemed to really enjoy school. He really had no issues and he was progressing. Two weeks into January he started to withdraw and became very quite in class. Basically, since January he stopped making any progress, looks sad all the time, does not participate in class, and has no motivation according to the teacher. She actually stated that DS exhibits the classic signs of an abused child. That was a tremendous blow for me to hear that description of my child. I don't think DS is being bullied at school, btw. Oh, and another thing that DS did recently at home was to compare himself with another little boy in class who supposedly is very smart. We were making dinner and DS actually said that he was not as smart as Adam. That broke my heart because that has never happened before. Never at his two years of preschool, which was play based or otherwise. At home, DS is very expressive. He is an enthusiatic child who loves to be outside. We have been having some discipline issues with our middle son and I have been yelling more than usual that's for sure. In addition, DH has been working incredible hours for many months now and I know that the children miss him dearly.

At this point, I have identified (I think) the things that could be affecting him stemming from home. DH and I will have a serious talk about what can be done at home to help DS. I would really welcome some suggestions as to how best to deal with this situation. I really want to help DS and this is killing me.

I know what it is like to be concerned about a child (I worked in early interventino prior to having my kids). However, it seems inappropriate to me to actually flat out say he is showing signs that are classic for an abused child. I can totally see asking questions about whether there is turmoil at home, and expressing what she's seeing, but actually saying what she said honestly seems out of line to me. Asking open ended questions, etc seems more appropriate to me than jumping right to saying he is demonstrating classic signs of abuse.

That said, I wouldn't brush it off, since it seems you also have concerns. I'm not downplaying that this is worth looking into extensively, but at the same time, it seems odd to me to have a teacher phrase things the way she did.

I know several parents here have had kids that were unfortunately bullied, and the teachers, staff, etc. were clueless. I don't think that's uncommon.

Is there any way to get him into a counselor to maybe tease out where his feelings and changes in demeanor and behavior have come from?

eta: with his comments about not being as smart as the other child...any chance he's being verbally bullied? Bullying can take so many forms, and for a 5 year old, I'm sure verbal taunting can be very hurtful. I have a very sensitive little guy who is 5 and I know even being verbally teased a lot would really weigh on him.
:hug:

edited to fix a typo

[ha98ed14]

She actually stated that DS exhibits the classic signs of an abused child. That was a tremendous blow for me to hear that description of my child. I don't think DS is being bullied at school, btw. Oh, and another thing that DS did recently at home was to compare himself with another little boy in class who supposedly is very smart. We were making dinner and DS actually said that he was not as smart as Adam. That broke my heart because that has never happened before.

Wow. I am so sorry this is happening. I'm a little confused though. You said the teacher says he is exhibiting the signs of an abused child, but you don't think he is being bullied at school. So where do you think the abuse is happening? You said you identified the things at home, but DH being gone does not constitute abuse, so that does not really make sense to me. Clearly I don't have the whole picture reading this on a message board, but in a similar situation, my biggest fear would be sexual abuse. I would be rethinking anyone and everyone who had contact with DS since Dec/ Jan when his behavior started to change; i.e. Christmas parties, social gatherings, birthday parties. I know as a parent this is THE scariest think next to terminal illness and dealth for our kids, but if the teacher was that straight up with her you her concerns, you gotta "go there" in your mind and figure out how to protect DS. If it is possible it happened at school, keep him home until you figure it out.

[pinkmomagain]

From what you describe it sounds like he is pretty OK at home, right? The dramatic shift seems limited to school from what I understand. I would be investigating the bus situtation or the playground situation. I think these are two areas where there is minimal adult supervision and where bullying can occur unnoticed by the adults. Is there a school social worker or psychologist who can have a few sessions with him and in a nonthreatening/playful way tease some info out from him?

[JustMe]

I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like a very scary thing to go through as a parent. I agree that I am confused about the teacher's statement about displaying the classic signs of an abused child. That does seem like an extreme thing to say. I agree that you will want to consider all possiblities, but as a child and family therapist there are really lots of reasons why a child's behavior can change. I don;t think the home changes you described would account for such an extreme change either...I am not quite sure what I would do, but working with a counselor seems like a good idea, if only temporarily to get a grasp on what may be going on with him. You could also try asking your ds directly. Kids that age generally are not great about articulating these kinds of things, but you never know and it is good to give him the chance.

Good luck and keep us posted.

[bubbaray]

If the teacher really thought your DS demonstrated the signs of an abused child, presumably she would have a duty to report that (either to the police or social services). Assuming she hasn't, either she is waaaay exaggerating the situation or she isn't competent enough to make that assessment in the first place.

That's really inflammatory language to use with a parent unless she has some facts to support it.

If there is no substantive change in the home life (and, frankly, I don't think mom yelling at children or dad working long hours are examples of abuse), then the behavior must stem from school if that is the only other place your DS goes. Sounds to me like the teacher d/n want to deal with it, so she's saying its abuse so its your responsibility, not her's.

[caribbeanmama]

I know what it is like to be concerned about a child (I worked in early interventino prior to having my kids). However, it seems inappropriate to me to actually flat out say he is showing signs that are classic for an abused child. I can totally see asking questions about whether there is turmoil at home, and expressing what she's seeing, but actually saying what she says honestly seems out of line to me. Asking open ended questions, etc seems more appropriate to me than jumping right to saying he is demonstrating classic signs of abuse.

That said I wouldn't brush it off since it seems you also have concerns. I'm not downplaying that this is worth looking into extensively, but at the same time, it seems odd to me to have a teacher phrase things the way she did.

I know several parents here have had kids that were unfortunately bullied, and the teachers, staff, etc. were clueless. I don't think that's uncommon.

Is there any way to get him into a counselor to maybe tease out where his feelings and changes in demeanor and behavior have come from?
'
eta: with his comments about not being as smart as the other child...any chance he's being verbally bullied? Bullying can take so many forms, and for a 5 year old, I'm sure verbal taunting can be very hurtful. I have a very sensitive little guy who is 5 and I know even being verbally teased a lot would really weigh on him.
:hug:

Beth, thanks so much for your feedback. I am still digesting all of this and I must admit that I am becoming depressed about it.

Couple of things:

The teacher and I talked about the possibility of DS being bullied and she thought that was not the case. She said DS is well liked. However, I will pay more attention to that possibility.

I am assessing my own parenting skills. DH is gone all the time and the pressures of wearing so many hats drains me. I am carefully watching what I say and while corporal punishment is not an option here, I do tend to yell and threaten (maybe I am the bully). I feel like a complete failure.

I am also thinking a lot about the school itself. I wonder if I we made the right decision in sending DS to an immersion program. While I speak Spanish to him and he totally understands the language, his first tongue is certainly English. I think in some ways he feels pressure to speak Spanish (specially because he is aware that others know he comes from a bilingual home whereas half the others kids do not). I think in the beginning it was fun for him to go to school, but now, as the material gets more challenging, he is getting a bit frustrated.

I do not like the assistant teachers. They are not very tactful at all and I have heard one in particular make inappropriate comments about the kids - in front of the kids!

All in all, this is a wonderful school, very well regarded locally and even nationally, but I really wonder if this is the right fit for him. We are definitely looking into counseling.

[egoldber]

I would be investigating the bus situtation or the playground situation. I think these are two areas where there is minimal adult supervision and where bullying can occur unnoticed by the adults. Is there a school social worker or psychologist who can have a few sessions with him and in a nonthreatening/playful way tease some info out from him?

:yeahthat:

It has been my experience that teachers are often not nearly as aware of things that happen on the playground/bus as they think they are.

I think having him meet with the school counselor could be a good place to start.

[AnnieW625]

Good wishes to you. IMHO it's out of line what the teacher said, but not totally unexpected. Granted this was 1983, but I hit a plateau about half way through kindergarten too. My teacher notified my mom who also notified the school nurse who then notified a school psychologist who thought I needed ritalin for ADD. I had none of the symptoms at the time and always did my work, but would just get distracted or frusterated easily. My mom, and the teacher knew it wasn't that so I ended up also having a hearing test and failed that. I couldn't hear correctly (no history of ear infections, maybe one 2 years before) and so I had tubes put in my ears. It made a world of difference. I know it's completely random but just a though.

I also think talking to your son might help too. Ask him what is going on at school maybe something is worrying him and he is too afraid to talk about it. Maybe he doesn't get his lessons and he doesn't want to be embarrassed to ask for help in class so he withdraws. Kids get embarrassed if they can't do what their friends do at this age too.

Again best wishes, and good luck!

[hbridge]

If it were me, my first call would be to the pediatrician. Especially if you've seen a change in behavior at home as well. I would hope that the ped. would have some insight on where to go and who to talk to. At the very least maybe a checkup just to be certain there isn't something happening at school (or elsewhere) that adults aren't aware of. The ped will also be a "fresh" set of eyes and someone not affiliated with the school environment.

Be concerned, but don't be too hard on yourself until you have a little more insight. Will DC talk to you about what may be happening at school? It is really difficult for teachers to see everything in the classroom or on the playground. Also, children are so different and what one child sees as play the other may be hurt by...

Also, change is really hard on kids. Your DH changing work hours, a family with a more challenging child, actually and change at all can create "stress" for kids. Although this seems beyond the normal stress, you never can tell how children internalize things.

Hugs...

[bubbaray]

Annie has some good points on checking out medical reasons for a change in behavior. In addition to checking his hearing, I'd also check his vision.

GL! Hugs to you both!!

[caribbeanmama]

Thank you all for your kind replies. They help me tremendously. I made appts today with our ped for hearing and vision tests. Will keep you posted.

[miki]

If the teacher really thought your DS demonstrated the signs of an abused child, presumably she would have a duty to report that (either to the police or social services). Assuming she hasn't, either she is waaaay exaggerating the situation or she isn't competent enough to make that assessment in the first place.

That's really inflammatory language to use with a parent unless she has some facts to support it.


This is what I thought also. I was a mandated reporter once and in a situation where I thought all the signs were there, I would have made the call already.

As far as your DS feeling inadequate compared to other kids, I would really want to know exactly what is going on in class to make him feel that way. My DD is a native speaker in a dual language immersion program also. The material is getting more difficult but the progression is not so rapid that a child who speaks the language at home would feel at all overwhelmed. His comment makes me think that either there is something discouraging going on at school like comments from other kids or possibly the teaching staff that make him feel inadequate.