Are my expectations of DH too high?

[sfmom]

Just had another of my bi-monthly arguments with DH.

Our arguments are always about the house and our DD. The long and the short of it is that until recently both my DH and I worked and in addition I took care of the baby -- feeding, washing, changing diapers, playing, putting to sleep, everything! We recently moved, b/c my husband needed to do so for work. I had to quit my job, and am currently at home with the baby (can't deal with looking for a job in the current environment).

Admittedly, I've been slightly resentful b/c my DH offers no help, and now with me not working, he feels like its completely justified. And its not so much that I need the help. Its that DD is a joint responsiblity, something we created together who has needs that we BOTH need to address.

So we got into a stupid argument about something, which I used as an excuse to yell "You don't do anything for the baby -- you don't feed her, change her, play with her, put her to sleep, NOTHING!" And he replied: "That's your job!" So I screamed back something along the lines of "You jerk" (nastier, obviously!).

Just to give you a sense of how much he does not do: This past week -- he didn't change DD once, he didn't feed her once, he didn't put her to bed (once he tried but gave up after 5 min). Even on the weekend. I don't expect for him to be completely engaged. But I do expect SOMETHING from time to time.

How much does your DH help with DC? Are my expectations completely off?

[maestramommy]

No your expectations are entirely reasonable. Unless your Dh has a job that requires him to be absent during DD's entire waking hours, he should share in some of the responsibilities. Even though I bfed, Dh would give a nightly bottle and put the girls to bed when they were babies. He used to put Dora to bed by himself, but now we put both girls to bed together. On weekends he helps take care of the girls in terms of whatever is needed, whether it's changing, supervising their meals, playing with them, whatever. He used to do the laundry when we lived in an apt. Now I do all the housework, but he still does the dinner dishes, and makes pancakes on Saturday mornings, now with the girls' "help." And he has told me to let him know when carrying the load of laundry up and down the stairs gets to be too much.

IF your Dh were gone all of your baby's waking hours, then he should certainly help you with household stuff, or help with nightfeedings or SOMETHING. To say that all of the baby care is your job is not only shortsighted, it's pretty darned selfish. Did she suddenly stop being his baby when you stopped working?? I don't think so!

[vludmilla]

No, I don't think your expectations are off. Besides the fact that you need help, he needs to bond with your child. I might have a talk with him when you are both calm and find out what is going on. Is he tired after work? Not sure what to do? He needs to help out with the baby in some way. Maybe let him pick the one thing he will do with her each day. Perhaps start with something easy like playing with her for twenty minutes while you take a well deserved break.

[BeachBum]

I think the strange (and sad) part is that your DH doesn't WANT to do these things. I SAH and my DH pretty much takes over on the weekends/ after work because he wants to spend time with the kiddos.

[sfmom]

He claims its b/c she's young -- 15 months, and he find that age boring. I actually overheard him speaking to a friend (I was putting DD to bed) about this. About the fact that I "love being with the baby" and he gets bored after 5 minutes. But I'm not asking him to play with her. It's not above having fun. It's about responsibility. And I'm so sorry that I DO also enjoy the non-playing stuff.

The reality is that by the time he gets home she's in bed (around 8-ish).

I'd like the hope that he will want to take a more active part as she gets older and more interesting to him. But I feel like I'm constantly waiting for him to change -- on this issue at least. And the reality is that he won't.

[WatchingThemGrow]

I wonder if there is some constructive non-accusatory way to find out what things he does want to participate in. You deserve a break, for sure!

Not sure how I got so lucky, but my DH just put both DC to bed, put away the wagon, is washing their clothes, and is vacuuming around my butt on the couch. I think I've been sitting here enjoying a Yoo-Hoo for 30 min. now.

Can you make a list of all the tasks associated with DC and see which ones he things he can do? We did that with housework. Somehow, he thinks that if I clean the bathrooms, cook, fold the clean laundry, and vacuum once a week, it is fair for him to do the rest.

[SnuggleBuggles]

No job, beside parenting, is 24/7. It's not fair for him to give you the job that you get no breaks from. You both created this baby, you both should be responsible for the baby.

Sorry he's acting this way. My dh is so fabulous when it comes to sharing parenting. Housework? He's pretty crappy with that but most of the time that doesn't bug me.

Beth

[sste]

Have him wake up with the baby and take the first hour shift - - that will inevitably involve one diaper change, one feeding, and getting her dressed. Make this your practice every day. If he is not getting home before DD goes to bed then he must spend time with her every morning. Plus, you could certainly benefit from starting your day with DD a little later given how long your DH is gone from home.

Also, on weekends sign up DH and DD for a father-daughter music or gymboree class.

And most importantly do NOT do everything yourself. With the best of all intentions I am sure, you - - as well as your DH - - have created this dynamic. Some lines you may practice, "DD is wet, why don't you take this turn." "I filled the tub for DD, why don't you give her a bath," "I am going to gym for a couple of hours - - you two have fun."

Your post made me really sad for your DH. It doesn't sound like he has much of a relationship with his DD. I think his not sharing the work sucks and will impact your marriage terribly. I think his not having a relationship, a real parenting relationship, to your DD is a crisis situation that the two of you must address immediately.

Also you asked about our DHs: My DH has many faults but he drives himself to exhaustion to spend time with DS, 17 months. DH is in a medical (procedural) training program and works extremely long days. He gets up with DS at 6am and spends an hour or two with him, he then goes to work until at least 7pm, and then he comes home and makes us dinner and plays with DS and we both try to put DS to bed together. Then my DH does all of his paperwork from work and research work until about 11pm. He has incredible endurance - - and he has built quite a nice relationship with DS that he worries alot about maintaining with his schedule.

[maestramommy]

He claims its b/c she's young -- 15 months, and he find that age boring. I actually overheard him speaking to a friend (I was putting DD to bed) about this. About the fact that I "love being with the baby" and he gets bored after 5 minutes. But I'm not asking him to play with her. It's not above having fun. It's about responsibility. And I'm so sorry that I DO also enjoy the non-playing stuff.

The reality is that by the time he gets home she's in bed (around 8-ish).

I'd like the hope that he will want to take a more active part as she gets older and more interesting to him. But I feel like I'm constantly waiting for him to change -- on this issue at least. And the reality is that he won't.

My Dh found it very tedious to play with Dora until she was over a year old. First she was a lump, then she was very quiet. Somewhat interactive, but not the most animated, y'know? He had to work very hard to get a response from her. But he did it. And when she was older he started to see how cute she was.

So while I think your Dh's feelings are normal, he's only making it harder on himself by not doing anything now. If he waits until she's old enough to be interesting (whenever that will be) he may find SHE doesn't want to play with HIM, because by that time he'll still be a stranger.

[StantonHyde]

WOTH is NOTHING compared to staying home with a baby 24/7. I have done both. Now I work PTOH. But DH gets no slack from me. Hey, when you work--you get to pee by yourself, have a cup of coffee by yourself, people thank you---actually say "thank you"----when you do something for them (and you don't have to say "what do you say"). You don't have to change diapers (unless you are in health care), or feed anybody else, etc etc etc. Seriously. There are very FEW days at work that are harder than staying home with a child.

Yes, some people get the same type of "self-actualization-fulfillment" from staying home with kids as I do at work. That's why those folks are stay at home parents. And even those folks will tell you there are hard days. And that everybody needs a freakin break.

Your DH needs to take your daughter for at least 4 hours each day on Saturday and Sunday. He can get up and do what he wants till noon or so or even after her nap. Then she is his. (Or you can switch the hours depending on who is the morning person) But you have to set this up and expect it and make it clear. My DH can't think of what to do with the kids--I have to give him ideas/an itinerary. That's just the way he is. But he will take them. He also takes care of them when I make dinner at night and he gives DS his bath, puts him to bed. (I do the same for DD).

Obviously, you can't yell this at him--it doesn't work. But, yes, your DH needs to pick up his share of the parenting duties. I don't care if it isn't fun--parenting isn't for whimps!!

[LexyLou]

I would be beyond livid. I'm a SAHM but why should I have to work 24/7? My DH doesn't work 24/7.

Like, you said, you made her together, you should raise her together. It's not about it being a job (which admittedly, it sometimes feels like), it's about raising your child. She needs both parents and you deserve to have an equal parenting partner.

I'm sorry that you are going through this. He's not being fair.

[frgsnlzrds]

I was actually going to post pretty much what StantonHyde did. I am a sahm of 3 kids and let me tell you if DH didn't help me, I would run screaming as soon as he came home most days. If parenting is only YOUR "job", then you need to DEMAND a 40 hour schedule, same as him. I don't mean to be snarky or mean, but this is one of my biggest issues when people are like, "Oh, you get to relax at home with the kids all day!" Um...Yeah.

I really hope you work this out so that you are equal partners. Good luck!

[sfmom]

Thank you so much for your support and advice!

I :heartbeat: you guys! I don't know how I'd get through all this otherwise...

[gatorsmom]

I don't think you are being ridiculous. He has a regular job but you have a job that's 24/7- what's fair about that? If it comes right down to it, you are putting in 12+ hours with her and the housework. Is that how much HE is working each day? If not, he needs to pick up some extra hours at home.

Besides, other posters make a good point. Maybe babies aren't fun at this age, but that doesn't mean he should just hand her off to you until DD is fun. When will that be? When she's talking complete sentences? When she can drive?

And lastly, he is inconsiderate if he thinks you don't deserve a break. Isn't he your DH and suppose to be your friend? Don't friends pay attention when the other friends needs help in some way? Isn't he concerned you'll burn out? Leaving you with all the responsibility is selfish and a great way to harm your marriage.

I'd take this thread to him and show him some of the arguments here. I"ve done that to DH before and it's been very effective. Men can be such children sometimes, can't they?

Good luck. Hope you get the response from him that you need.

[infomama]

No, you have every right to be bent about this. We both WOTH FT however when I was home with DD1 (I didn't go back to work until she was 6 months old) he pulled his weight helping out with her when he got home from work.

[niccig]

Have him wake up with the baby and take the first hour shift - - that will inevitably involve one diaper change, one feeding, and getting her dressed. Make this your practice every day. If he is not getting home before DD goes to bed then he must spend time with her every morning. Plus, you could certainly benefit from starting your day with DD a little later given how long your DH is gone from home.

Also, on weekends sign up DH and DD for a father-daughter music or gymboree class.

And most importantly do NOT do everything yourself. With the best of all intentions I am sure, you - - as well as your DH - - have created this dynamic. Some lines you may practice, "DD is wet, why don't you take this turn." "I filled the tub for DD, why don't you give her a bath," "I am going to gym for a couple of hours - - you two have fun."

Your post made me really sad for your DH. It doesn't sound like he has much of a relationship with his DD. I think his not sharing the work sucks and will impact your marriage terribly. I think his not having a relationship, a real parenting relationship, to your DD is a crisis situation that the two of you must address immediately.



I agree with all of this. DH works crazy hours sometimes. He can be home anywhere between 7pm and 2am, and we won't know until about 6pm what his schedule will be. So we started very early with DH doing the morning shifts to get with DS and I did the night shifts. 4 years later, DH still gets up when DS wakes up and I stay in bed for an extra hour..I know I'm spoiled. DH also took DS to a weekend music class from about 18 months to 3 years. I still do most of the daily care of DS, as that's just how our lives are, DH is away during the day. But he does as much as he can. I actually get more resentful about all the house stuff I have to do. We've had to have a few fights to find a way that works - he does the dishes after dinner and the laundry, and I cook and pay the bills, and we share the rest. Again, I still do more things, like DH can't seem to make a phone call from work, that annoy me, but we're pretty much happy with how things are.

I think you need to sit down with your DH when you're not angry and talk it out. Tell him that DD needs him to be involved in her life for more than 5 mins at a time, that she needs to know that he can care for her. If you can't work something out, then I suggest counselling as often a 3rd party can help find the compromise.

[srhs]

Your DH's expectations of YOU are too high ... just unreasonable, really.
Like PPs have said, when are you supposed to get a break? My DH will often say, "I don't mind. You've been doing it all day." Or "Take a break."

Obviously, making him feel lousy over his odd expectations won't help, but you are going to get burnt out IMHO if you don't find a way to even the responsibilities without resentment. Certainly, you want DH more involved, so praise his efforts and bite your tongue if he doesn't do it your way. And, in the end, if he won't take on more, I would look into finding a nanny or housecleaner or something to give you breaks and lighten your load a bit.

Also, like the PPs, my DH takes a morning shift. This just worked out when morning sickness started, and we've kept it up. I love it! Plus, for most kids, it's the happiest time of the day, so your DH will get some fun time in. You have to stay in the other room, though; no shouting orders or looking over his shoulder. ;)

GL!

[MontrealMum]

Your post makes me really sad for your DH, and your DD. He's going to have one screwed-up relationship with her when she's older if he doesn't get involved, and interested, soon.

I SAH during most of DS' first year, and this year I am out of the home, as is DH. We share the childcare responsibilities. DH feeds DS EVERY morning, gets him ready and takes him to daycare, and spends lots of time with him both Sat. and Sun. - not only so that I can get some work done, but also because he WANTS to. He enjoys spending time with his child. That we created together.

Certainly my DH is not perfect- I will not go into his lack of organization, cleaning, or inability to tend to items on a to-do list - but as far as being a dad...he's more than pulling his weight.

And I certainly don't think that 15 mos is too young, or not fun. It's after 12 mos that they start getting interactive -walking, talking, wanting to play. DH loves to be "Daddy" and show off DS at the drugstore, grocery store, office, ski center. I know my DH is more involved than some of his friends, but even the ones that work super-long hours and have wives that are SAHM are active, participatory fathers. Changing diapers, taking baby for walks/runs, doing those middle-of-the night feeds, giving mom a break regularly.

NOONE works 24/7 - it's ridiculous for your DH to expect you to. I would definitely sit him down and have a serious talk as to what he's thinking, and how on earth this is fair - either to you, or to his daughter. (((Hugs)))

[elektra]

I am so sorry to hear that. That sounds like no fun at all and it's probably affecting your own relationship with your DD too.
DH and I also both work full time, but I also end up doing most of the caring for DD. I really wish DH would pitch in more too. And with him, it's not like he's lazy or doesn't love or enjoy DD. It's just that he does work around the house and in the garage and it's not like we could switch jobs since although he could care for DD, I could not build the storage shelves that we need in the garage.
But DH also rarely gives DD a bath or feeds her, even on the weekends when he has time to do so. I think part of why I always end up doing alot of the weekend care is that I want things done a certain way and if DH is not going to do it how I want him to then I do it myself. For instance I don't consider putting up all the gates and watching a sporting even on TV while DD runs around in front of him "quality care". It's not like he would ONLY take care of her in that manner but he doesn't see that as being a problem either.
I do admit however, that if DH is not able to feed DD within a 30 min window of when I think she should eat, I end up doing it myself. And that really isn't always the best solution, since when DH is left to tend to DD, he ends up figuring it out and they are both fine afterwards.
For us, one thing that DH now does almost every night is put DD to bed. It's not the way I would want it done, as I prefer to read her books vs. watch TV. However, DH and DD watch their Noddy on Sprout and DD goes down to bed and it seems to be working out.
I also recommend you try to see a marriage counselor. It's something I have actually looked into myself (for other reasons in addition to the help thing FWIW) and it's going to be really tough for us to be able to find the time to do it with baby #2 on the way. (I am still trying to get it worked out between tax appts, dog vet shots, and my own dr. appts. though!) It sounds like at the rate you are going things are only going to get worse unless you can open up the lines of communication better, which can often be facilitated by a 3rd party.
I do have to say that DH was great today though. I started having what I think are Braxton Hicks contractions on Friday night and they got worse yesterday. Today I decided (and DH agreed wholeheartedly) that I should rest as much as possible. So he took DD with him on errands twice, including grocery shopping. It's too bad it took me being physically incapable of doing anything to get him to pitch in, but I'll take it!
Good luck with your future conversations with your DH.

[nfowife]

I think you have reasonable expectations. I have also found that as my kids have gotten older my DH has gotten much more involved with them- especially after they were walking. In any case, my DH will help out when he gets home (usually about an hour before bedtime). He reads them stories, gets their pj's on, cleans up after their dinner, whatever. Then on the weekends we take turns getting up early with the kids and usually he takes them out to the playground or something so I can have some time to myself. He also is very encouraging of me having girl's nights or girl's days with my friends to have a break. My DH has no qualms about taking care of the kids for long periods of time, but again, not when they were babies. Try to talk to your DH when you are not both upset/fighting about your thoughts on this. I think it is a cycle in that the less time your DH spends with your DD, the more she is going to want you, kwim? Kids like what is familiar to them.
:hug:

[DrSally]

I do think DH's should do stuff on the weekends. DH travels and works long hours and is exhausted on the weekend, but still, I've worked all week too (and that includes nighttime hours b/c DD wakes up 4x a night). So, I've actually worked 24 hours for 5 days and he's worked 14-15 hours for 5 days. We're both tired, but it does not continue to be only my job on the weekend. I save poopy dipes and baths for DH on the weekend and he's started helping with laundry b/c I just can't do it all. Sometimes he thinks he can plop down and watch tv or take a nap with the kids are awake and I just put the baby on a blanet by his bed.

I think your DH needs an adjustment on his expectations of a SAHM.

[firsttimemama]

IMO your expectations are not off. I would expect more help.

[C99]

Honestly, this sounds like an issue that could benefit from an objective third party. I'd recommend doing some kind of couples counseling. Is it possible that he has a lot of stress at work or in other ways that is causing him to act out in this way? My DH and I are pretty even on childcare, but for whatever reason, his attitude seems to be that during non-working hours, the default caregiver is me. He also had a hard time adjusting to fatherhood and changed expectations of responsibility, etc. I think it stressed him out a lot when I stopped working (by choice), leaving him as the only wage earner/financial support of our family.

[Momof3Labs]

I don't agree at all with your DH. Could it be a confidence issue? My DH took a while to build his confidence with DS1 as a newborn, but he had no choice as he was the caregiver while I worked (and vice versa). You need to be sure not to jump in to rescue anyone when they are together - it's easy to do as a mom, especially as a SAHM in your situation (DH not too involved).

[kozachka]

DH and I had a lot of the same issues as you and your DH. DH was hardly involved with DS (save for potty training and cooking for him) until DS turned 2.5 years old. And he was not that busy at work either. I really resented him for this. It took a lot of effort on my part (and possibly me going back to work FT) to get him to be a more active participant in DS life. The fact that DS is older and more fun has probably something to do with it as well. DH found things that he likes to do with DS - cook, fish, play Lego. And he loooves feeding DS while telling him fantasy stories about pirates, dragons and god knows what. Now there are often times where DH is more involved with DS that I am.

Keep pushing for what you and you DD deserve. Good luck!