Calling moms with three or more boys, who don't have any girls

[hellokitty]

Help! I need you to talk me out of my funk. I just found out today at my 20 wk u/s that baby #3 is another boy. I hate it, but I am feeling really upset. With this economy, it's probably a good thing that I don't have to buy any clothing, but I'm one of those women who has wanted a daughter EVERY time I am pregnant and I already went through grieving after baby #2 (which we thought was our last), that I would never have a dd. I was really hopeful this time, b/c I know a lot of moms IRL who had two boys and then a girl. And well, now I am feeling really crushed and feeling like I'm doomed to be the mil from hell.

Anyway, I know I should be happy that the baby looks healthy, blah, blah, blah, but I'm feeling really down right now and I was afraid that I would react this way. Esp since the guest room (which is totally decked out girly, with girly furniture that I will now have to get rid of, and the girly crib set I bought 7 yrs ago, is yet again not going to get used) will have to be transformed into yet another boys' room. Seriously, all I can think of is, "Malcolm in the Middle." My house is already in a constant state of chaos with two boys, it scares me what another boy will do to this house and I will never be able to have anything nice again decor-wise in my house, b/c they always break everything. I feel like giving up now and painting all of my walls black, b/c my kids are so destructive.

[JBaxter]

I have 4 boys :). They are all wonderfully healthy. Yes a girl would have been nice but I LOVE being the mom of boys. I actually had a person tell me she was sorry when I said it was another boy. I just dont get it really. I have had 2 miscarriages and Jack wasnt supposed to be able to be conceived ... HA~
No one in my house will ever get a period , ask to pierce a belly button, wear a thong need to have pedicures or wax no prom dresses etc. I love my boys

[hellokitty]

I have 4 boys :). They are all wonderfully healthy. Yes a girl would have been nice but I LOVE being the mom of boys. I actually had a person tell me she was sorry when I said it was another boy. I just dont get it really. I have had 2 miscarriages and Jack wasnt supposed to be able to be conceived ... HA~
No one in my house will ever get a period , ask to pierce a belly button, wear a thong need to have pedicures or wax no prom dresses etc. I love my boys

That's good. I'm glad you've been happy with your four boys. Let me ask you a question. Do you two older ones talk to you at all? Everyone I know with teenage boys says that they just clam up and don't talk to their moms at all when they are older. I am so afraid of that...

[JBaxter]

we have always been incredibly open. I breast feed in front of them :). I know as much as you can about a teens life. I wax Logan's unibrow LOL. Be open with them when they are small. Answer their questions honestly and include them in family life and decisions.. big purchases ( like TV's car shopping etc) vactions and other things like that I have found when they feel included and important they come to you and trust you alot more.

[lorinick]

I would have liked to have had a girl too. I have two boys and the first time around I was upset that I wasn't having a girl. Baby 2 was VERY HARD to conceive and was the best suprise ever. Did matter what sex the baby was. We had a health scare with baby 2 and were so happpy to find out the baby would be health nothing else mattered. I'm finished and will never have that girl either. I wouldn't trade them for anything though. I will tell you girls teenages are very moody and till don't really talk to mom much either. I'll miss the girl talks that I could have had with dd when my boys are older. What I think about most is hoping I like who my boys marry and that they are always close to me. I know some boys spend more time with the girls family that scares me the most. I'll miss the closeness I feel with my mom. That's what I'll really miss. I'm sorry for you you'll never have that little that I think all mom's would love to have. I always wished to have one of each. But it was for me to have two boys that I love so much. Hugs to you.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I only have 2 boys but I would love to only have boys if I had more kids. :) I just feel like I get boys. That could change when they grow up but right now I feel that I am a good mom to boys. There might be 1% of me that wishes I had a little girl that I could do girly things with...but then again, I could end up with a total tom boy that hates doing girly things. :)

I hear you on the MIL part. I am so hopeful that I won't be overbearing or all up in their biz b/c I don't have a girl of my own. I think I'll be ok though.

I think your feelings are totally normal. Just try and think of all the good things about being the only woman in the house. It has it's advantages. :) (((hugs)))) congratulations on a healthy baby boy!

Beth

[Ceepa]

Be gentle with yourself. Gender disappointment is real and there's nothing wrong in grieving for the dream you had in your head about what your family would look like.

Everything I'm trying to type sounds wrong. I just want to send you a hug. :hug:

[g-mama]

Me!! :wavey:

I understand. I felt like you do. I really, really wanted a little girl, and when I lost my mom when I was pregnant with my 2nd ds, it felt even stronger like I needed to form another mother/daughter relationship to replace the one I lost.

I don't know how I came to this place, but now, I truly love being the mother of all boys. I almost feel lucky to have the arrangement that I have. There is something very special about our family that I can't describe. I look ahead towards the teenage years and think they will be there for one another, to stick up for one another, to share similar interests, to understand each other....

We have quite a few friends who have one boy and one girl. It seems (and this is just a generalization and not meant to upset anyone in any other situation - please don't get mad at me!) that as the kids get a little older (elementary school age), the siblings don't want to hang out with each other as much and always want to have a friend over. My sons fight, don't get me wrong, but they also enjoy one another's company and like to play together.

Your other question - my 8 year old (2nd grader) is my most "boyish" boy, and yet he is also extremely expressive and sensitive and he tells me lots of stuff about school and the relationships he has with his friends, classmates, etc. I hope that won't change and feel like it won't. We try to foster an open communication style and don't ever treat them like they have to be little men and be tough.

I'm sure I'll think of more!

[o_mom]

Three boys here and I really do love it. From talking with all my friends and relatives - boys are more work when they are little, but girls are more work when they are older. There is much more drama with girls. I know someone with 4 boys and a girl in the middle who was ready to trade her in after the first slumber party.

I do think wistfully of a girl sometimes... mourn the fact that I'll always be the 'MIL' and not the mother... I can't say I'm completely over it, though I did give away the few girly bargains I had bought 'just in case' last time (nothing major, just a few clearance things that went to good homes with little girls).

On the destruction side of things... I know two girls who are the youngest of five and they are far, far more destrctive than my boys even though they are the same age. I have to put things away when they come if I don't want them broken.

[ast96]

I am an official Mom of Boys, having three of my own now. I finally gave away the stash of girl clothing. I get it. I do. In fact, I blogged about it on my personal blog and then guest blogged for the NY Times, where I was torn apart by many a commenter for being superficial and not appreciating my children. I will tell you that my third boy is maybe the best thing ever? Such a JOY. I love him desperately. Wouldn't trade any of my boys for ANYTHING, but I am still mourning the experience of having a daughter, doing ballet, planning a princess party, reading girl books. Yes, yes, you can do it all with boys, yada, yada... it's not the same. It's not. I can't make you feel better, but I can make you feel normal. Give yourself permission to grieve the experience. Give yourself permission to be disappointed. In my opinion, mourning the daughter you won't have has nothing to do whatsoever with loving and appreciating the sons you do have. It's separate. No, it doesn't make sense -- I want each of my three boys and love them like crazy, but I would still like to have had a shot at raising a daughter and seeing what that was like -- even a tomboy daughter! Daughters and sons are not the same experience, and it isn't wrong to have hoped for both.

Anyway, I know exactly how you feel. Maybe you could double two of your boys up and keep the guest room girly? I have found I really need a "pink" safe haven in the house of boys.

[hellokitty]

Thanks ladies for sharing all of your experiences and also your empathy. I'm starting to feel better about. I have a LLL mtg to run tonight and my co-leader has three boys (and our applicant has 2 boys). I joked with my DH that it's the LLL leader curse for our group that we are all doomed to have all boys. We had one leader who had all girls who tried to join our group, but she ended up joining another LLL. Maybe we scared her away... My co-leaders sons are older than mine AND she homeschools them. The last crazy story I heard from her, she was inside the house, but the two youngest ones were on top of their gazebo and she saw her oldest run past the window with a ladder to get the two younger ones off of the roof. I guess that I will know someone IRL to vent to, as well as all of you too, lol.

[ilfaith]

I too am pregnant with my third boy, and have experienced some of the same disappointment. Part of me mourns for the fact that I probably won't be attending any ballet recitals (if they wanted to take ballet I wouldn't stop them, but I also won't be signing them up for classes unless requested). I don't imagine we'll bond over some of my favorite childhood stories...the "Little House" and "All-of-a-Kind Family" books for example. And I do get a little wistful looking at all the pink frilly things in stores (and I guess I won't get to help anyone select a dress for prom or wedding gown). I do have three little nieces, but they live 900 miles away, so I don't see them as often as I'd like.

Of course I love my boys...I may never have a clean (or quiet) house, but at least my eldest (and only PTed son does know to put the toilet seat down). Yes, I would have been thrilled for baby number three to be a girl...but part of me always believed I was destined to be a mom of boys.

In a few years I do plan to get a dog...a female dog...so I won't be the only bitch in the house.

[LarsMal]

I'll give the flip side.

When we found out our third will be a girl DH and I both went through some gender grieving. Don't get me wrong, I love love love my DD, but we really wanted another boy. I grew up with four brothers and "get" boys. We're only 2 years in with DD, but she and I already butt heads. I worry all the time about having 2 teenage daughters- the nastiness, periods, fashion, boyfriends! I always said I would be very happy if I ended up with all boys. Again- I love DD and can't wait to meet DD2, but I just think having 3 boys would have been easier in the long run!!

[misshollygolightly]

I'm a fairly newish mom with just one boy, so my opinion may not count for much, but I wanted to share something. I am an only child, and a couple of my favorite memories from childhood are of spending time w/ my mom's friends (women her age) who had only boy children. From time to time (like when I stayed with them when my parents traveled or when my family was over at their house for dinner or a visit or something) I really loved they way these women took me under their wing and we did "girly" things together (for example, one mom let me help her make food for a party while my parents were at church choir practice, and several times I tagged along while my mom and these moms had coffee or whatever, but they always included me and let me have tea in a real china cup or whatever). These women also gave the BEST birthday gifts--in retrospect I know it was b/c they had fun buying girly stuff for once! All this to say that you will really make some of your friends' little girls' day if you periodically "borrow" them for girly time--plus you can have an outlet for those mothering things you just can't do with boys! At least, that's what I hope to do if no daughters materialize here!

[g-mama]

In a few years I do plan to get a dog...a female dog...so I won't be the only bitch in the house.


:hysterical:

[Momof3Labs]

I'll give the flip side.

When we found out our third will be a girl DH and I both went through some gender grieving. Don't get me wrong, I love love love my DD, but we really wanted another boy. I grew up with four brothers and "get" boys. We're only 2 years in with DD, but she and I already butt heads. I worry all the time about having 2 teenage daughters- the nastiness, periods, fashion, boyfriends! I always said I would be very happy if I ended up with all boys. Again- I love DD and can't wait to meet DD2, but I just think having 3 boys would have been easier in the long run!!

Similar here. I always wanted a girl with each of my first two pregnancies and especially with DS2, mourned his gender when we found out at 20w. But after having two boys, I realized how wonderful it could be, and longed for another boy (or two). I'll love our girls, of course, but mourn the end of the run of boys in DH's family. I just hope that the girls love trains more than princesses because that is definitely more my speed these days!

The teenage years for two girls scares me a whole lot more than the two boys. And then when you add in that I'll likely be smack in the middle of menopause when they are at their hormonal peak - oh, lordy, the boys (including DH) will probably want to move into a tent or treehouse in the backyard when that all hits. (Due to a 7 year age spread between my oldest and youngest, lucky DS1 will probably be away at college by then - DS2 will be bribing him to come back on breaks and balance thiings back out!)

[jk3]

We have 3 boys. Prior to having kids, I always assumed I would have girls. I was shocked when my first was a boy. We dealt with a slew of ups and downs having our kids so I truly wanted healthy kids and did not wish for anything other than to add to our family. There's something special about brothers. We might not have a lot of pink but I will enjoy watching them grow up together.

[Tondi G]

I only have 2 boys at this point but we have gone back and forth on the prospect of growing our family again. After miscarriages and anxiety/PPD after #2 my DH is leaning much more heavily towards quitting while we're ahead! His response is... I like sleeping through the night and the boys are finally getting easier to deal with, they are healthy and smart ... and with our luck we'd have a 3rd boy and you still wouldn't feel DONE. He is not having 4 children so if we got to #3 and discovered it was another boy we would be finished. He isn't sure it's worth it to go through it all again given the chance that we might not have a girl anyways.

I have a friend who tried for a girl with her 1st 2 pregnancies... she and her husband ate the "girl" diet/supplements and did all the tricks... hot shower for him before trying... stopping 4 days before she thought she was going to ovulate etc. #3 was an oops... they used a vaginal contraceptive film and it didn't work. We thought for sure that since they weren't "trying" and went completely opposite of what she had done twice before it would be a girl. NOPE! She was very down about it. While she was totally happy with the fact that he was healthy and that her pregnancy went well, she had a hard time with it. She still has a yearning for a little girl. She would like to try once more to see if they can tip the scales but her DH is quite a bit older than she is and he feels DONE! He also keeps saying... you don't know that you will get a girl yet again... will you ever feel done without one?

It's tough... I can totally understand where you are coming from! You have these hopes and dreams of at least ONE of the other sex and it when it doesn't happen it sucks! It doesn't mean you don't love your children or appreciate that they are healthy. That said I DO love having boys. When my friends little girls are being emotional and dramatic cause they fell and skinned their knees I think to myself "ah, my boys would get up dust themselves off and continue on running around like wild animals"! I sometimes wonder if I would be a good girl mommy? I was/am a bit of a tomboy myself ... what if I got a real girly girl and couldn't connect with her?

edited to add that It is also tough that my BIL and SIL had 2 girls and DH's cousin had 2 girls. I love them and try to get my girly fix when we spend time! Not exactly the same thing but I'll take it where I can get it!

HUGS and hang in there! CONGRATS on your healthy baby boy!!!

~Tondi

[Mom to Brandon and 2 cats]

I'm in the same boat as you, so I'm reading this thread with interest. My DS#1 is 5.5, DS#2 is 3.5, and I thought I was done. We decided just a couple of months ago to try for a girl (more b/c DH wants a girl, I was done!), and bam, I'm pregnant. So far, only 8 weeks along, so I don't know the gender yet, but I'm wondering how will I react either way. If it's a boy, well, at least I know that I'll survive (last night we were in the ER getting stitches on DS#1 for a busted up lip that he got by tripping at the playground). If it's a girl, well, I'm already terrified of how the teenage years will go. My relationship with my own mom is not the best, so I'm not sure how it will be...

So, no words of advice, but I'm here with ya...
--Jennifer

[KBecks]

I love our boys and think it's so much fun. I did want to do a girl room in purple and it was a little disappointing when we found out that the #2 and #3 are boys, but it is great. I am in a boy groove! I get to do all the girly things myself, and I'd rather buy clothes for me anyway. ;)

I should add that I was adopted by my family because my mom had 3 boys and had to have a girl. I think it was stressful because she possibly had too many expectations of what she wanted.

[ast96]

I don't know why nobody is scared of teenage boys, by the way. I was a do-gooder and went to an Ivy League college; my little brother jumped out his window, got DUIs, and had a baby in high school. I have tutored a ton of middle and high school age boys, and let me tell you, they are just as terrifying. Teenagers are hard -- doesn't matter the gender. I think I have a chip on my shoulder after being told a thousand times that I am so lucky I will never have a teenage girl. I happen to think teenage girls can be awesome.

[alexsmommy]

Yes, it's very individual.... but...
I have a lot more teenage girls on my caseload (psychologist) than teenage boys. Emotional stuff in the teen years is just hard for most girls. Not that boys have it easy and there are plenty of boys who act out and have emotional issues - but, some of my teenage girls are there b/c they put too much pressure on themselves to be perfect. Sigh.
And the hormones - good Lord my DSD at 11 - I wanted to ship her to an island until her hormones settled down. If figure the boys are more likely to go hit/kick/throw a ball if they are overwhelmed by hormones. As opposed to cry because they can't find the exact right sweatshirt to match perfectly with ratty sweatpants...and then cry because their hair ribbon wasn't the right shade of blue... and then cry because no one "understands her", and then rage because someone said "no" to wearing make-up at 11. ELEVEN! Umm. No. Seriously, the girl practically swooned at 14 when she received basic make-up for her birthday (our age for make-up). Not that we didn't know she put on mascara at school before then and wash her face later - but now she didn't have to sneak and we were ok'ing lipliner.
Seriously, I'm thinking teenage boys have to be easier in many respects...
But I do agree that gender mourning is normal and has nothing do to with your love for your boys or the baby you are carrying. Have a good cry (or a few) and mourn this. Do something girly for yourself and find a girl to be an auntie to and spoil rotten. Losing any aspect of the fantasy of mothering is hard and nothing to feel bad about mourning. And when you feel better - be happy you will not discover somoene has taken your last tampon when you are late for a meeting and don't have time to run to the drug store.

[KCR4]

Yes to all that PPs have said! I was SO sure I'd be the mom of two girls and I'm the mom of three boys ages 7, 5 and 2! To be honest, having three kids (versus two) is a bigger issue for me than their gender right now. It's been very hard but here we are, doing the best we can....

Here is fun website called It's Good to Be the Queen for all-boy moms....cute:

http://www.itsgoodtobethequeen.com/

Hugs,
Karen

[deenass]

In order to join you must be a mom to 2 boys (moms of 2 boys and one girl can be associate members, but only moms of ONLY boys can be FULL members).

Obviously, I'm kidding. BUt I do know how you feel. Mom to 2 boys, whom I dearly love and would not trade for the world, but I'll never get over not having a girl, so I totally get it. Even our dog is a boy.

I struggle with my feelings to this day (and my youngest is 2).

You have the right to feel how you do. Welcome to an exclusive sorority!!!

[mamicka]

I have 3 boys. I never had the feelings of wanting a girl that badly, but you have every right to feel as you do. Give yourself permission to feel them or you won't ever move past it.

I love having 3 boys & wouldn't have it any other way. I wish I weren't constantly talking about (or listening to them talk about, rather) penises or bottoms or poop, etc, but my boys are fabulous. Having a girl would totally change our family dynamic & I love our family dynamic. Don't get me wrong, I would have loved to have had a girl as well, I really didn't care either way, but now that I have 3 boys, I just love it.

I'm sorry you're in a rough spot. {{HUGS}}

[klwa]

I'm not a mom of just boys, but, you may want to see if you can get your hands on the book "House of Testosterone". It's a humorous look at being the only female in a house of boys. When DH was convinced that he was a "manly man" who could only have boy children (after 1 boy), he gave me & his mom that book for Christmas. (He's one of 3 boys.)

[maestramommy]

soon to be mom to 3 GIRLS here. It really stung when I found out Arwyn was going to be a girl. Because her pregnancy was so different I was sure we were having a boy. When the neonatologist said, "and you're having a girl" I was like, "really??" and almost burst into tears.

This time around we (I) prepped myself for the possibility because I had heard if you already have 2 of the same gender the chances of having another of that gender are like 90%. Also, I was much more paranoid of m/c or something else going wrong (don't know why) that as long as I heard "everything looks good!" I didn't care. And like a lot of the other pp said, after two, you just GET that gender. Of course I taught girls for several years, so I agree with a lot of what Alexmommy said. Oh the drama!! But Arwyn has been so precious to us, so I know that #3 will be as well.

[ha98ed14]

I'm a fairly newish mom with just one boy, so my opinion may not count for much, but I wanted to share something. I am an only child, and a couple of my favorite memories from childhood are of spending time w/ my mom's friends (women her age) who had only boy children. From time to time (like when I stayed with them when my parents traveled or when my family was over at their house for dinner or a visit or something) I really loved they way these women took me under their wing and we did "girly" things together (for example, one mom let me help her make food for a party while my parents were at church choir practice, and several times I tagged along while my mom and these moms had coffee or whatever, but they always included me and let me have tea in a real china cup or whatever). These women also gave the BEST birthday gifts--in retrospect I know it was b/c they had fun buying girly stuff for once! All this to say that you will really make some of your friends' little girls' day if you periodically "borrow" them for girly time--plus you can have an outlet for those mothering things you just can't do with boys! At least, that's what I hope to do if no daughters materialize here!

THIS IS TRUE! I was one of two girls and a good friend of my mom's had 4 boys. The couple times we stayed with her over the summer, she took us shopping and it was really fun. I think if we had lived closer, it could have been a close relationship, which I could have used.

And what Lars Mal said about butting heads with your girl... It happens to me too. I LOVE my DD, but sometimes it is hard because we both want control even tho she is only 2.

I have no experience to talk from, I just appreciated your honest thread, but I just wanted to add that my high school best friend is now the mom of 3 boys: 9, 6 and 5. She is one of THE best human beings I know. She has come to be someone who can take many things in stride, with grace. They have a really neat family. And their boys have VERY different personalities. One is a creator, one is a distroyer and one is still a cuddler. I hope you find peace with your situation. The fact that you are being honest about how you feel will help you get there a lot faster. Blessings to you.