When a DCs behavior gets to be too much, what do you do?

[s7714]

My 3 1/2 year old and I are apparently at war. Every single day is literally one battle after another from the time she wakes up until the time she falls asleep. And I'm exhausted. I feel like I don't have anything more to give to the situation.

Tuesday was the climax. We were leaving her dance class and she started throwing a fit about something. I finally got her in her seat and start to drive home, and she threw her shoes at me while I was driving. As in they went sailing right past my head while the car was in motion. I was livid with her. And since then I've been verge of tears constantly. I just feel like I can't handle her anymore. I feel like I'm failing as a mommy because I have no idea how to deal with her. It's grated me to the point that any little scuffle has me needing to leave the room so I don't go over the edge. Like whenever my two DDs start their normal, not that big of a deal bickering, I start yelling at them to stop if I don't turn around and walk away. I don't want to yell. And I don't want to have to always walk away. But I don't want to let my frustration and temper lead me to do anything I'd regret. My older DD is clearly being crushed by my yelling at her sister and I feel so bad because I can see she's the one being truely effected whereas her little sister is like "whatever". I've always been one of those moms who just kind of went with the flow, but apparently somewhere between now and then I lost sight of the river.

I have the Kids, Parents & Power Struggles book checked out and started it today. And I have a copy of Raising Your Spirited Child around here somewhere that I never got around to reading, but will. But in the mean time, how do I keep from losing my mind? I mean I seriously feel like I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown. Besides the behavior issues, I'm totally stressed about my DDs eye issues as she may need to have surgery. And if that happens, it's basically all on my plate to deal with it, as DH doesn't deal well with health issues. (And he's been working a lot of overtime right now, so it's pretty much me being the only parent to the kids most days/nights.)

Anyway, if you got this far, thanks for reading. And if you have any tips on maintaining my mental sanity (that doesn’t require reading another book), I'd appreciate it!

[kristenk]

Sadly, I don't have any tips or techniques for you b/c I'm struggling with the same thing right now. DD just turned 5yo and I swear she was easier to deal with at 2 or 3. I'm sort of wondering if I'm expecting too much from her now that she's older? Things that wouldn't bother me when she was younger, seem to grate on my last nerve now.

I don't know what to do. I'm pretty sure it's me and not her, though. :(

[Indianamom2]

Well, I don't have any answers for you, but I can definitely relate.

I have a very, from-the-day-she-was-born, strong-willed 4.5 year old child. She's wonderful in so many ways but....she and I butt heads all day long, every day with very few exceptions. I am a very compliant, easy-going personality and she is exactly the opposite and in our case, opposites do not attract!

I admit that I yell more than I ever thought I would, however I am not willing to just let my child walk all over me. We do time outs, I do spank when warnings have been exhausted and I take away privileges. I feel like I am losing the battle daily, and yet, she is quite well-behaved around just about everyone else, so I think I am doing some things right. I tend to think she behaves the worst around me because she is the most comfortable around me and because our personalities conflict so much.

So, while I don't have any specific advise for you, I will say that you are not alone. I feel like if I survive this gal, I may write a book....but then again, I have a feeling I still won't know how I survived!

Christina

[s7714]

she is quite well-behaved around just about everyone else, so I think I am doing some things right. I tend to think she behaves the worst around me because she is the most comfortable around me and because our personalities conflict so much.

Mine too. And I think that's part of my problem, because whenever I try to talk about it to fellow moms IRL, I always get the "but she's always so well behaved around us!" line. Which makes me think that great, if they see me yelling at DD for running away the umpteenth time in a store, they're going to think I'm the one misbehaving and not my DD. I'm about ready to invite them to come live with us so they can witness my DD being "so well behaved" the remaining 22 hours of the day. :banghead:

[new_mommy25]

3 is a really, really hard age. I am entering that stage with my DD (she is 2 months away from 3) and everyday is a battle. She flashes from hot to cold in seconds and I constantly feel like I'm walking on eggshells around her. :hug: I really like the book "Positive Discipline". I found it randomly at a Good Will and bought it and it actually changed my life. I found it much easier to read and implement than other parenting books. I also loved Raising Your Spirited Child because it gave me validation, however it didn't offer many solutions.

[egoldber]

Three is a hard age. But when I look at this:


Besides the behavior issues, I'm totally stressed about my DDs eye issues as she may need to have surgery. And if that happens, it's basically all on my plate to deal with it, as DH doesn't deal well with health issues. (And he's been working a lot of overtime right now, so it's pretty much me being the only parent to the kids most days/nights.)

I think there's your answer. You are under a great deal of stress. She probably senses that and it exacerbates things. I find that when I get into what I call "screaming banshee" mode :wink2: I need to take a step back. I need to consciously recognize that my mood is coming out of the place that I am in. And sometimes that's all I need to change the cycle of behavior.

[WatchingThemGrow]

2 things I do..

I take a moment to stop and pray.

I send DH emails or text messages saying things like "Your daughter is possessed." or "I'm seriously trying to keep myself from exploding all over her." Poor guy feels horrible when he's sitting in his quiet office and gets these "edge of insanity" emails/texts.

[bubbaray]

I had recently been having some pretty significant issues with my girls (mainly DD#1), which were probably precipitated by some other issues DH and I are dealing with.

Anyway, long story short, we are using the "marble jar" from the Nanny 911 series. In fact, DD#1 ASKED to use it -- its her favorite show. It seems to be working. We also use sticker charts, but the marbles seem to work better for some reason.

HTH

[hillview]

Now would be a good time to read "Your 3-year old" it talks about the mom/child struggle. I have the SAME issue with DS #1. Throwing shoes at me sounds like a typical BAD day in our house. What I do:
- have a repeatable process for unacceptable behavior (a play book) and follow it -- really it is for me -- keeps me on a level
- so if you throw you shoes at me there is a consequence -- DS if you throw another shoe at me, I am pulling the car over and we won't have time to play with cars before dinner/have a special treat etc
- recently I have gotten myself together where we can have a more reasonable chat (I am not so angry about his behavior anymore, it is more a him thing -- this took about 2-3 months) so we can talk about ways he can express his anger or feelings in ways that work -- DS if you kick Herbie (our irobot) one more time, Herbie will go on a shelf and we won't get to watch him do his work. I know you are feeling mad -- you can throw an empty sippy cup if that helps you get your mad out.

I have found that reading "Dealing with disappointment" has helped me begin to work on this some. It is hard.

/hillary

[Twoboos]

Hugs!! :hug: you are definitely NOT alone!! Especially if this thread I started a week or 2 ago is any indication!

http://www.windsorpeak.com/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=317025

I know it can be so very hard to deal with, especially when you are under other stresses.

In talking to my therapist about this, she mentioned that empathy can be a huge help, they are tantruming b/c they feel they are not understood. So, when DD2 (also the magical 3.5yo) starts up about something, I have started saying "I know, you really want a cookie at 8:30am! They are so great and you love cookies, so do I. A better time to have one is at lunchtime, what kind do you want?..." on and on. Of course, this assumes I *know* what DD2 is going on about. :wink2:

I also try to talk in a low/almost quiet voice to her when she is inhaling to begin screaming again. I figure this is the only time she can hear me once she's in a frenzy. :hysterical: Then later I try to talk about it, nice voice vs. screaming voice, which does she like better and which does she think others like better.

I have also been known to ask her to go to her room until she can calm down enough to talk. This also doesn't work alot but sometimes.

take all this with a giant grain of salt (attached to a margarita!!) since we had a few doozeys here today. No flying shoes though... hats of to you for dealing with that!

[maestramommy]

We seem to have a lot of 3+ yos on this board:p All going through the same stage. So no advice. Like I told some other moms, Dora's been grating on my last nerve since Christmas. Sometimes I can do 1-2-3 Magic, and it works pretty well. but sometimes we don't have time. Like this morning when she threw a tantrum at breakfast, and we had to get to school on time. I decided she was going if I had to drag her to the car, if only so I didn't have to look at her for the next two hours. It ended up with her walking to the car in bare feet (her choice), then asking me to put shoes on. I had to explain to her teacher about no socks and said we'd had a tough morning. She just gave me that ;) look said, "oh! well she does have a mind of her own!" Glad it's not just me!

[billysmommy]

It ended up with her walking to the car in bare feet (her choice), then asking me to put shoes on.


We've done this with Benjamin a few times in the past 2 weeks. I did draw the line on Monday with the snow ~ he wore his yellow crocs then instead

[hillview]

It ended up with her walking to the car in bare feet (her choice), then asking me to put shoes on.

Oh yeah -- I pick my battles. You don't want to wear a coat? Ok. No shoes? Fine. No breakfast Sat am? You won't starve on the weekend. You are all done but didn't eat anything? That is fine. BUT if you want to be mean or not cooperate, we have an issue to work through.
/hillary

[ThreeofUs]

I do a few things - but first, let me say that this is a hard time for kids and parents, and you're doing well.

Here's what works for us:
1. 1-2-3 Magic. I set rules, make sure he understands them - including the "why", which is really important for my spirited guy - and then enforce. His currency right now is Ruff videos, so that's what's at stake.
2. Pulling over. If DS does something in the car that is unacceptable, we pull over immediately. I don't yell, in fact I talk very quietly, but he knows that this is extremely serious and will start crying and apologizing almost instantaneously.
3. When I am absolutely DONE, I count to 10 in a loud, firm voice. I don't yell, but I give myself a size-10 timeout. If I haven't calmed myself down, I do it again. And then I have a talk with DS about Mommy needing him to help her.

Tantrums I treat as shockingly inappropriate behavior, and he loses privileges (like Fetch! and the ability to be outside of his room) immediately. And DS knows it. We were having daily tantrums; now they happen maybe once/month, and only when he's super hungry or tired.

There was a time, though, when everything was so out of hand that I wanted to drink at night. Heavily. (I didn't; I'm nursing, but I really wanted to!)

Good luck!

[bubbaray]

I"ve had more time to think.

I too use 123 Magic in a somewhat modified form. The modifier is that by the end of a really bad day, I tell DD#1 "If mommy has to count to three one.more.time her head is going to spin around". DD#1 must have a pretty good visual of that, b/c she ALWAYS tries harder then.

Yes, absolutely, if something happens in the car, I pull over (when safe to do so). They both get REALLY REALLY REALLY quiet then. As in silent. Its a wonderful thing. I've only ever done it a couple of times. I think if I did it too often, it might lose the effect.

I have gone into the bathroom, shut the door and put myself in time out. I have also emailed/vm'd DH and told him that I am d.o.n.e. and if he isn't home in ____, I am walking out the door and leaving the dog to babysit. The closest I've come is sitting on the front step. But, he gets my drift.

I have found that it helps a LOT to have DH get more involved if the girls are acting out. They definitely respond much better to him. He is more patient, but MUCH louder when pushed over the edge, whereas I tend to pretty much be over the edge all the freakin' time, so they are used to it. Even if I skip out of dodge for the afternoon, most of the time when I come back, they behave better around me than they did before I left.

We found losing privileges didn't work as well for our girls, but the marble incentive did. We don't take away marbles earned, but they don't earn marbles if their behavior isn't good.

On the advice of our daycare provider, we stopped battling DD#1 when she was around 18m or so on the clothing thing. If she d/n get dressed, she went to daycare in jammies (once) (with clothes packed for the day). Ditto shoes. I think both girls have gone to daycare with no shoes on in winter (I carry them and obviously take shoes, but I can't imagine that it was very pleasant -- the walk from the driveway to the daycare door is about 20 feet). I also get DH to brush their teeth in the mornings b/c he is more patient and stronger. Plus, I had a work injury (don't ask) in the summer and my dominant arm was pretty useless for any gripping.

[frgsnlzrds]

So, when DD2 (also the magical 3.5yo) starts up about something, I have started saying "I know, you really want a cookie at 8:30am! They are so great and you love cookies, so do I. A better time to have one is at lunchtime, what kind do you want?..." on and on. Of course, this assumes I *know* what DD2 is going on about. :wink2:

I do something like this, too. Just getting down on his level and trying to match his emotion. Once he sees that I *get* it, that he's really upset, he'll stop and listen to my solution. It works 99% of the time. Also, I let a LOT of minor things slide so that when something major comes along and I put my foot down, they know I mean it.

I'm sorry you had such a bad day. I hope it gets better for you soon!

[niccig]

I come and post here to get suggestions about how to deal with certain behaviours.

We do Magic 1-2-3

I pick my battles. I don't care what clothes DS wears as long as appropriate. He went through a period where he would only wear jeans and it was 100F. DH and I had drawn out battles with him over it. Then one day I let him wear jeans and had shorts in my bag and told him if he got hot, he could change. We got out of the house without battles and about an hour later he would ask to wear shorts. I do the same with jacket, he doesn't have to wear it, but I have it if he is cold. I don't care that what he wears does not match or if his shirt is inside out. I have a friend who would NEVER let her child wear different coloured socks, I DO NOT CARE as long as socks are on his feet.

I try to make things fun. He wasn't good at leaving park/play place etc. So, I make it a game, whoever gets to your bike first gets to ride it home.

He wants control over some things, and I let him have that. Eg. he gets to choose breakfast from 3 choices that I give him. I decide lunch and dinner. I say "You wiill do X, how do you want it to be" eg. You will brush your teeth, what tooth brush do you want."

Some days are better than other days....I roll with it as best as I can, and I'm glad for a preschool day if he's been particularly difficult. It gives both of us a rest.

HTH

[DrSally]

I guess if my toddler were getting to me that much emotionally, I'd walk away when it starts to get heated. I know you can't do that in a car. Sometimes when DS starts to get my blood boiling, I adopt a Zen attitude and just let it not get to me b/c I really think if the parent gets upset, the child feeds off that and it just makes it worse.

I would be steaming if my child threw a shoe at me while driving! I know what I'm saying is a lot easier said than done. It can't hurt though, so maybe just try it to change things up and break out of the pattern. See if it helps.

[kedss]

yup, my ds(age 5) is great for other parents including his father, but we constantly butt heads, it must be me, Just a couple of days ago, he decided he was going to stop on the sidewalk and scream at that top of his lungs, what makes it even better is that he looks like he is 7, not 5. I think sometimes kids pick a parent they let loose on, and in my case, its the one he spends the most time with.
(sorry to hijack)

[clc053103]

Another mom of a 3.5 year old here. It is SUCH a challenging age!!!!!!!

I am reading "Raising your Spirited Child" and have really found a lot of helpful techniques. also, utilize 1-2-3 magic a LOT. And "Your Three Year Old" made me realize it wasn't just me, or my DS, but the age.

I used to send emails to DH at work, as PP suggested. Not anymore. One day I told him that if when he got home, DS was not here, it was because I buried him in the backyard. Let's just say, he didn't get the joke.

[niccig]

I think sometimes kids pick a parent they let loose on, and in my case, its the one he spends the most time with.
(sorry to hijack)

Yep that's me. DS never hit or bit another kid, it was also me that he took his frustrations out on. It's because they feel that they can let loose with you and you'll always be there.

[DrSally]

I guess we can be comforted in the idea that they let loose on the parent/person that they feel more comfortable and secure with. They are able to show their more out of control selves and emotions when they feel more secure.

[hellokitty]

The modifier is that by the end of a really bad day, I tell DD#1 "If mommy has to count to three one.more.time her head is going to spin around". DD#1 must have a pretty good visual of that, b/c she ALWAYS tries harder then.


Lol, I started laughing when I read this, b/c if I told my boys my head was going to spin around, they would be like, "COOL, DO IT NOW MOMMY! I WANT TO SEE!"

To the OP, when my kids get to be really bad, I will let them know and if they keep it up (esp in the car) after a warning, usually something about getting a time out once we get to where ever we are going, I will just try to tune them out, b/c I need to focus on driving safely. If they're throwing shoes, I just make sure they aren't on when I put them in their carseats. I haven't had to pull over yet, BUT most of the time, it takes less than 15 min for me to get to where I need to go, so we don't spend a tremendous amt of time in the car compared to other ppl. Like someone else posted, I also give myself a time out in the bathroom (upstairs bathroom is even better, b/c it takes them a while to figure out where I went) if I just feel like I'm going to lose it.

Sometimes distraction works too, if I am patient enough to try that, like turning on the DVD player in the car. OR, sometimes I just let them tantrum, b/c I know that the reason they are acting up is b/c they are tired or hungry (which is usually partially my fault for over-scheduling or just having been out all day type of thing). If hungry, I will try to give them something to eat and usually that can be a quick fix for hypoglycemia related tantrums.