How much help do you get when the baby is born?

[WatchingThemGrow]

Not just with the first, but with subsequent births...

From family:

From friends:

From hired helpers:

I know everyone's situation is different. I feel like we've been SO blessed the last couple times because we've gotten a good amount. This time, I just got word my dad and stepmother (the dad that surprisingly bought the cool pedal tractor to give DD) said not to count on them because of a bad paint job on their house and impending litigation, etc. My thought is that we'll need more help this time than ever before, and I just want to be prepared. My mom is coming up a day or two before my due date to stay at the house with both DC. ILs will be nearby for a few days and can assist her, but then they all leave town within the week.

Our kids are so close in age that it isn't like one can really help much (the oldest will be all of 36 mos.) I'm just looking to get a better perspective and to know how much help others get.

[egoldber]

With all of my children, my MIL has come to stay with us. With Sarah she stayed for 4 weeks. With Leah, she came 2 weeks before her due date and ended up staying 6 weeks after. With Amy, I was put on bedrest at 30 weeks and she came and stayed until Amy was 6 weeks.

While MIL and I have our moments, I seriously canNOT imagine dealing with the pre and post partum period by myself, especially with older children. In our case, she did not help with the baby, but she did laundry, grocery shopped, cleaned, took Sarah to preschool/classes, etc. It was wonderful.

[hillview]

My parents were living with us when we had DS #2 AND we hired a sitter. We were also moving when DS #2 was 2 weeks old so there was a lot going on.
/hillary

[WitMom]

When we had both of our DDs, it was just my DH and I. My mother is disabled and unable to help and my father, while well intentioned, is not helpful LOL. The biggest help my in-laws could be was to stay away! And they did, for the most part.

[lilycat88]

When DD was born, my mom was going through chemo for breast cancer so she wasn't able to help much. My 22 year old SIL came to spend a month but, bless her heart, I felt like I had 2 kids at some points. It was nice to have her around but she wasn't much "help". My church family brought 3 meals a week for 6 weeks and that was a huge help. My FIL and his wife came to visit but, as is their usual pattern, they were still "guests" and expected to be treated as such.

[g-mama]

We have three kids. With all three of them, my MIL came on the day I went to deliver (she lives one hour away) and stayed til I came home from the hospital (so 3 days - all 3 were c-sections). She works and had to take time off from work to help us, so that was the best she could do.

My mom was alive when I had my first but I had the baby on the same week that my brother and SIL went on a cruise for a week and she went to care for their children instead because she'd already committed to them. Don't get me started. Anyway, she passed away before I had my second. :(

I did have some friends bring dinner over after each time, and my DH worked from home for the first few days after I got home from the hospital.

All of this is to say, that it is possible. I really, really would've liked more help, especially by the time I had my third, but it just didn't happen that way and I managed. It's hard but you do what you have to.

[SnuggleBuggles]

We lived 500 miles away from family when ds1 was born and we had a stream of out of town visitors/ helpers (my mom, MIL, FIL...) over that first month. No real friends as we were new to the area and no hired help. Dh took off about 2 weeks.

With ds2 we lived 2 miles from both sets of g'parents. So, we had help pretty much on call the first few weeks. Ds2 was born close to Christmas so we had help longer than we might have otherwise because they were on vacation plus my BIL and SILs were in town. Friends didn't really do much beyond meals (which was quite nice). No hired help. Dh took off less than a week- my choice- but he was darned helpful when he was home.

I think that it was better when we lived out of state since our helpers stayed over night. I remember handing the baby off to my mom at 6am because we just needed some sleep and he was awake. No one helped us in the off hours after ds2.

Beth

[DrSally]

With DS I didn't get any help AND DH was out of town almost continuously. We hired a PP Doula to come in 4 hours a day for a few days a week b/c of the postpartum hemmhorage I wasn't supposed to be alone. We were living out of state with no family.

With DD, we are now in state with family, but my mom works and everyone has their own thing going on. So, DH was home for a week (but worked from home) and that was all the help I got.

[maestramommy]

I've been really lucky. For Dora my mom stayed 1-2 weeks, and Dh took a week off work. For Arwyn my mom stayed 2 weeks and Dh took 2 weeks off work. This time Dh is planning to take a week off, but my parents are coming to stay for a month. Which will be awesome because Dora will not be in school when #3 is born. Oh, MIL came to stay for a week after each baby was a month old, and she may do it again. She didn't help quite as much, since her reason for coming was really to see the baby, but she did cook some, and she babysat one night we could could go on a date.

When Arwyn was born some friends from my moms group brought meals. We're in a new town now, but we belong to an awesome church and I'm in a moms group again, so I wouldn't be surprised if offers of help come from those directions.

[KrisM]

With each of ours, DH stayed home for a week. With #2 and #3, MOMS Club provided dinners for 4 nights over 2 weeks. With #3, my mom took #1 and #2 for a night.

Overall, not much, really :).

[pb&j]

From family: As much as we needed. My parents live nearby and love us and our kids dearly. My sister came and stayed with us for several days after each child was born. She cooked and ran errands for us - a total lifesaver, especially after DS when we were totally clueless and overwhelmed.

From friends: We had just moved in to our neighborhood when DS was born, and didn't know any of our neighbors. We also didn't really have friends w/kids, so aside from one neighbor (who has become like a grandparent to our kids), we didn't have any help from friends at all.

After DD, it was a different story. We know all our neighbors now, and have friends w/kids, plus some of our friends have since had kids and totally get it. Not only did we have dinners made for us a few nights per week for the first few weeks after DD was born, we have been given tons of hand me down clothing for both kids. It seems that everyone at my office is having a baby lately, and we have all traded around hand me downs. A couple other neighbors had babies around the time DD was born, so we were able to spend time together during our maternity leaves. It has been the total "village" experience, and I really know how lucky we are.

ETA: We planned TTC for DD around DH's work, so that he would not be so busy during/immediately after her birth. He had 6 weeks where he worked only very sporadically. That was probably most helpful of all. And he really enjoyed getting to spend that extra time with both kids.

[bubbaray]

Zero help AT ALL from family. DH's family didn't even show up for DD#1's birth (came to visit about a month later, they are 2 hrs ferry ride away). FIL and sMIL did come see DD#2 the day she was born.

Our amazing friends drove 5+ hours (difficult winter mountain driving in January) to be here to look after DD#1 when DD#2 was born.

I had a PP doula both times, though I never really figured out what to get her to do. LOL.

[AngelaS]

My folks stayed at our house w/the older kids each time for one night.

Church friends brought 3 to 5 suppers after the birth.

Dh took 1 week off work each time.

[o_mom]

My mom came and stayed two weeks with the second and third, then DH took off half days for two weeks after that (he took a couple days at the birth, then saved it up). What really helped was that he took 2hrs at the beginning and end of the day, so he had everyone dressed and fed before he left and was home in time to start dinner. My mom stocked our freezer with meals while she was here as well. I had a great neighbor across the street that helped me a bunch with bedtimes when DH travelled from the time DS3 was born until we moved when he was just over a year old.

[Mommy Of A Little Angel]

With DD I had very little. We moved when I was 7 months pregnant so I didn't have any friends yet. DH had no paternity leave and had only accrued 3 days off so he was there for the three days I was in the hospital and the weekend, then went back to work. My parents came the day I had my c-section and left that Sunday so by Monday I was on my own. My MIL came a week or so later for a few days which was great. I wish she had stayed longer. FIL didn't show up for months.

This time around, DH has 4 weeks paternity leave and lots of days he can take off if I need him to. My brother and his girlfriend will also be flying down for a while (not sure how long just yet) to watch DD1 while we have the DD2 and to help out. They are amazing for doing this! I also have a great network of friends that I know will help out whenever I need them (though half are having babies themselves so I won't want to burden them!). To me, having DH around this time will make things sooooo much better!

ETA: Like another poster, we also planned this one around DH's crazy work schedule so that he can take his full paternity leave. His boss was quite thrilled to hear that! ;)

[elektra]

DD #1

From family: DH took 2 weeks off from work and I had no other help.
My mom has alzheimers and my dad was clueless at that point. MIL and FIL live 2 hours away and FIL doesn't hold babies. MIL was diagnosed with breast cancer shortly after DD was born so she wouldn't have been able to help a whole lot even if she lived closer and didn't also have 2 other grandkids just 4 months older than DD.

From friends: none
My best girlfriend did babysit one night when DH and I went out to dinner for my birthday 3 months after DD was born.

From hired helpers: none

for DS to be I plan on having much more help!
From family: DH is only taking 1 or 2 days off of work because we are planning on taking a 2-week Hawaii vacation when DS is about 5 weeks old and he can't take the vacation in addition to the paternity time. My dad has also turned into grandpa of the year and should be a big help, at least with DD. (Nanny is close though too. :)) He is also husband of the year though and will be caring for my mom full time at that point too so although he is a big help he has his hands full with my mom too.


From friends: I bet my friends will make some meals if I ask. I know people offered stuff last time but I think I politely declined. I know better this time!


From hired helpers: DD's nanny is going to help me with both the new baby and DD the first few weeks while DH is at work.

[infomama]

friends: a lot of emotional support but no one really physically came over and did things to help out per se.

neighbors: we have very caring neighbors and they prepared a few meals for us..and often brought them over as they came out of the oven (from bread to salad to entree to desert). It was wonderful.

Family: We lived with my mom when DD1 was born and thankfully so. I had complications during her birth and had mobility issues for a few weeks. My mom was there to help me, wash DD's clothes, pick up around the house and provided an immeasurable about of emotional support to DH and me. Basically she took care of all of us, completely.
She was the exact same way when DD2 was born but she helped out with DD1 and such more that time.
I am blessed with such a loving and wonderful mom.

[AnnieW625]

For Elisa I pretty much had myself. DH took four days off of work, and two of those I was in the hospital. He was home for two days with me. My parents came when DD was two weeks old and stayed for five days. That was nice and we were just relieved to have a little bit of help. My inlaws came for a day visit during that same week. He later spent two weeks with DD when I was scheduled to go back to work, and her daycare hadn't reopened from summer vacation yet.

Our aunt and uncle (Elisa's god parents) watched her for us when she was six weeks old.

I was still fairly new to the area when DD was born so I didn't have a huge support system or new mom meals from friends. Cooking for me has always been a good stress reliever so I didn't mind doing it; even with a small baby.

With #2 we will either have Elisa's godparents, or Elisa's daycare watch her when I go to the hospital. My parents might also be in town, but I am not 100% sure at this time. If they aren't able to come and stay with us then DH will most likely take a week or two off when the baby is born.

I'll get about two weeks of mommy meals from my friends.

Not sure if I'll use a doula this time. I didn't last time.

[SpaceGal]

Family:
DS #1 my in-laws were here for a week.
DS #2 my mom and aunt were here two weeks prior to giving birth and were supposed to stay 2 weeks after I gave birth. My mom took off the day I got back from the hospital which was a huge headache because she had to stir up some drama. My MIL came two weeks after DS #2 was born and stayed for 3 weeks and was a huge help.
DD my MIL came up 2 days before the baby came and then took off four days later.
Personally our parents are way selfish and only once did it work out well with DS #2 and my MIL all other times ended up in drama and what not.

Our extended family and friends helped out a lot with DD, bringing over meals and helping out when she was admitted to the hospital at 3 weeks of age for pneumonia. It was nice knowing we could rely on people for help when there was an emergency. Our biggest issue with finding help is that our kids are all 2 years apart...oldest at 4 and the youngest at 5 weeks of age. Sometimes it goes to show that your friends are your chosen family. :)

[elaineandmichaelsmommy]

All 3 children have been c-sections so dh took off for 4 weeks when dd1 was born and 5 weeks for ds and dd2. Lucky lucky me. I'm fully aware of how fortunate I was to be able to have him home.

My step-mother came over to help a couple times after dd was born since we had NO clue what we were doing, she came over once after ds was born and I never even thought to call for help this time. Mil helped a lot after ds and dd2 were born. When ds was born she took care of dd and when dd2 was born she picked up ds from school and watched him every day until dd got out of school then brought them both to the hospital or home to the house after I was discharged. She can't cook at all but is really good with the kids (most of the time). Oh-and my sister brought dinner over once after dd1 was born.