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View Full Version : Question for those with cross-sex friendships--what precautions, if any, do you take?



justlearning
03-19-2009, 12:23 PM
I enjoyed reading the diversity of opinions regarding cross-sex friendships in the other thread--very interesting. I'm curious now at what precautions, if any, those of you in cross-sex friendships (involving heterosexuals) take to ensure that they don't turn into something that would be damaging to your marriage.

For example...

* Does your husband have knowledge of all your communications with your friend (and access to your email, etc.) or are there some things he doesn't know about?

* Do you selectively choose friends whom you don't find physically attractive and/or who don't meet specific needs (e.g., compliments) unmet by your husband?

* Do you intentionally end a friendship with a man if you begin to feel like he's attracted to you? Do you end it if you feel like you're starting to like him more than you should?

* Do you try to just go out with the friend in group settings or are you fine with getting together by yourselves?

* Do you try to have your husband become friends on some level with your friend?

I hope you understand that I'm asking these questions because I'm truly interested in how you manage your friendships so successfully. I found your responses in the other thread insightful and just want to hear more about the nature of your friendships...

HIU8
03-19-2009, 12:29 PM
I had a friend who I was friends with looooong before I met DH. There was NOTHING between us other than friendship that began when we were in our early 20's working at a summercamp. That being said, my life moved forward, his did not. After I got married my friend still wanted to go out on a saturday night to the movies with just me. After DS was born he would call and say to just leave DS with DH so we could go out to get a bite to eat. I tried to explain to him that I just could not drop things at 5 and go get dinner anymore. He didn't get it and I think got angry/upset. We simply stopped communicating. I just found him on facebook. He is single and goes to comic shows and dresses up like his favorite comic book character. Really now.......you are over 35.....

egoldber
03-19-2009, 12:32 PM
I don't even know how to answer your questions. Honestly, the thought of precautions never even entered my mind. Even if I said to myself, "Co-worker Joe is an attractive man" that does not mean I am attracted to Joe, does that make sense? Or even if I were, that I would act on it.

DH did not have access to work e-mail because that was company communications and proprietary information. He knows the password to my personal e-mail (and I to his) so he could access that e-mail if he chose. It's not done as a "precaution" though, simply because those are our "standard" passwords, so we know them. I have occasionally accessed his e-mail to find something like a Priceline trip itinerary, etc.

When we went out after work it was often in a group setting. For lunch I often went out with just one person and often that was a man. I never even gave it a thought. And DH as well. Although most of his co-workers were also male, there were a few women there that were in his friend circle. Some of them I would consider very attractive women.

Now I am not naive. There were people at my work (and his) who were cheating on their spouses. Most of us knew it. It seemed to me that it was pretty readily apparent when people were crossing the line and when they weren't. JMO.

Fairy
03-19-2009, 12:38 PM
After DS was born he would call and say to just leave DS with DH so we could go out to get a bite to eat. I tried to explain to him that I just could not drop things at 5 and go get dinner anymore.

Curious ... why? I have this issue with a couple friends who just won't go out and socialize anymore. They're girls, so it's not a cross-gender thing. But I've always been puzzled by this approach where once you're married and especially after you have a child that it becomes unacceptable to leave your child with your spouse for an evening of socializing with a friend. Not every week! Just, ya know, a few times a year, let's catch up, have a burger, see a movie, have friend time. Are you saying it's just because he's male, or do you feel this way for any friendship?

My DH has poker once a month like clockwork, and I encourage him. I say, go get out, leave, have a great time, don't come home till you've had your fill of fun, cuz you work hard and dedicate yourself unselfishly every other day of the month, so have at it, Honey. And he does the same for me, tho admittedly, I have more on my plate than he does extra-curricularly, but I'm on my own with DS four days a week, so it kind of works out :-). But, I have two friends who don't espouse this. Long long term friends. It's frustrating for me, but I respect it and just deal. So, I'm interested in this and why it's not ok to, if planned properly, just leave your DC with your DH and have a night out with a friend.

ETA -->

He is single and goes to comic shows and dresses up like his favorite comic book character. Really now.......you are over 35.....

This is bad? I love Star Trek and go to Trek conventions often (well ... not lately, but it has been a big part of my social life), and while I'm not a dresser-upper, I know lots of people who are, and they're of all ages. Most of them are normal!

mommylamb
03-19-2009, 12:42 PM
Well, unfortunately for my single female friends, most of my male friends are either married or gay. I would never think of it as needing to have any specific rules because, when there's really nothing going on, rules seem kind of silly. Would you set up rules about your female friends. That said, here are my answers to the Qs you raise.

* Does your husband have knowledge of all your communications with your friend (and access to your email, etc.) or are there some things he doesn't know about?

I can't imagine telling him about any and every communication because that would bore him to death. But, I don't think it's fair to say that there are some things he doesn't know about because then it sounds like I'd be hiding something. I meet three of my male friends for happy hour once a month. I used to work with all of them. Two are married, one is newly engaged. DH used to join us sometimes before we had DS, but now one of us needs to be home to pick up DS, so it's just me and my friends.

* Do you selectively choose friends whom you don't find physically attractive and/or who don't meet specific needs (e.g., compliments) unmet by your husband?

Just pick them based on their personalities. Some are attractive, some aren't.

* Do you intentionally end a friendship with a man if you begin to feel like he's attracted to you? Do you end it if you feel like you're starting to like him more than you should?

If a friend of mine ever hit on me, I would end the friendship. I can't imagine any ever would because they all know I love my husband dearly, and They're just not the type.

* Do you try to just go out with the friend in group settings or are you fine with getting together by yourselves?

It's usually group settings, but sometimes one on one. Just the way it turns out.

* Do you try to have your husband become friends on some level with your friend?

My DH is friends with most of them.

Ceepa
03-19-2009, 12:46 PM
Curious ... why? I have this issue with a couple friends who just won't go out and socialize anymore. They're girls, so it's not a cross-gender thing. But I've always been puzzled by this approach where once you're married and especially after you have a child that it becomes unacceptable to leave your child with your spouse for an evening of socializing with a friend.

Maybe she means she can't drop everything at a moment's notice? I just give DH a head's up (and vice versa) and we're happy for the other person to get a break.

HIU8
03-19-2009, 12:48 PM
I'm talking like every week or twice a week, not just once in a blue moon. For a long while going places with me was his only form of entertainment. After I got married DH and I would invite him over and he would decline EVERY SINGLE TIME. As for the comic thing, for some reason I always thought the comic thing was childish--and yes, I am a trekkie, but comic still feels more childish to me for some reason.

Fairy
03-19-2009, 01:21 PM
Ok, to the OP's questions, I espouse pretty much what Beth said. The thought of precautions? Never entered my mind! We very much trust each other, and it's just part of the fabric of our marriage, so it's just not even a recognized thing. It's like, the sky is blue. Given. I'm just not sure how to wrap my mind around precautions, becasue that says to me that I'm assuming cheating is a high risk. Cheating is a risk in every marriage. The only question is whether or not it's a high risk or a low risk. Here are my answers to your qeustions:

* Does your husband have knowledge of all your communications with your friend (and access to your email, etc.) or are there some things he doesn't know about?
No, he doesn't. Not because I'm hiding anything, but becasue the mundane discussions of "well, I got six emails today, two were from X, two were spam, the others were from yadda yadda, and I also IM'd with Billy today, and I talked on the phone with ABC ..." seem silly to discuss. I mean, I certainly tell DH, I talked to so and so today and if I made plans with a friend and that stuff like that about my day, but no way on earth do I lay it all out cover to cover. B-O-R-I-N-G. It's as if the assumption is that one should disclosecommunicating with a male friend. I don't functiont hat way, and neither does DH. He works out of town, often with women, and sometimes they stay in the same hotel for months on end (home on the weekends). It is absoltuely possible for him to step out, and he's got all the opportunity in the world. But I believe with sureness and peace that he's not. So, precautions. No. We talk every single day, usually three times a day, and stay very connected so that our relationship and family unit can remain strong.

* Do you selectively choose friends whom you don't find physically attractive and/or who don't meet specific needs (e.g., compliments) unmet by your husband?
Fascinating question. Never thoguth about this at all. No, I definitely do not approach choosing friends this way. I'm the type of person who has the same friends today that I did 10 and 20 and 30 years ago. I have very few "new" friends. Lots of new acquaintances. When you're part of the mommy community, people come and go as the kids do. So, that's a given. But real live friends? I have a hard time making ne4w ones cuz I don't want them. I want my old friends. But I'm the very friendly sort, so I do end up makign some here and there. Especially cuz I'm an actor, and I get very attached to my castmates. So, I've made new friends over the past five or ten years, and for me, they just happen. You click with a person, and you suddenly find yourself caring enough to want to keep in touch and remain friends. If there's a pattern to those folks, I can't see it. Three good ones are male, one drop dead gorgeous, one gay, one neither ;-). One I'm no logner friends with. I can't see a pattern to these guys other than that they're wonderful people? So ... no, I don't think I do that.

* Do you intentionally end a friendship with a man if you begin to feel like he's attracted to you? Do you end it if you feel like you're starting to like him more than you should?
I've never felt any of my guy friends had feelings for me. I had one relatively more recent guy friend who ended the friendship with me. And I know it's not because he had feelings for me, but I've often wondered if his new wife felt I had feelings for him. Which I did not. He is gorgeous, funny, and nice guy. One of my acting buddies. I immediately bonded with him in a brotherly way, DH liked him. Dude was a major player, tho, which I couldn't stand and jsut wanted him to settle down with a nice girl; as a Jew it's hard wired in me to try to marry off all my single friends :wink2:. So, finally, he finds a wonderful girl -- and I mean WONDERFUL. We did alot of things as couples, and the four of us were really close. Finally they get married, I was so thilled for them (out of the country, so we weren't there), and the next time we see them was at a mutual friend's funeral, and she was cold to me. It was bizarre. And that was it, friendship was over. I still don't know what happened. But he wasn't the cold one, she was. And I just got this vibe that she thought I had feelings that weren't there. I never pushed it, just let it go. Sometimes there's a beginning, middle, and end to something, and that friendship was one of those.

* Do you try to just go out with the friend in group settings or are you fine with getting together by yourselves?
Both. Not like it's all the time. It's more like, between your stuff, my stuff, and the number of hours in the day, what is possible when, and we just make whatever work work. And that goes for all my friends. No diff girls vs. guys.

* Do you try to have your husband become friends on some level with your friend?
Yes! Not cuz they're guys, but cuz I like it when my husband and my friends like each other on a social level. DH is a bit shy, whereas I can talk to anyone in any situation. So, yes, I like it when DH and my friends are friends, and if they're male, more the better. Maybe he can drag him to poker with him :-)

maestramommy
03-19-2009, 01:33 PM
I have to say I had a lot more male friends before I was married than I do now. I mean, male friends that I got together with. Now they are all married with families and lives of their own, and we keep in touch by email or maybe FB if they're on it. I do not intentionally seek out male friends based on lack of attractiveness. In fact, I don't know that I've ever done that even when single. If I knew right off I wasn't attracted to any male I would always keep a certain amount of friendly distance, and unless the guy was totally clueless I've never had even a slight overture. Men do have a way of reading body language and such, esp. as they get older.

I also can't remember the last time I got together with a guy friend alone since I got married. Dh knows almost all of them anyway, so unless he really couldn't make it for some reason it would be natural for him to come along.

lizajane
03-19-2009, 01:58 PM
My DH and I don't need to "take precautions" so that we don't cheat on each other. We don't want to cheat on each other. We love each other. We want each other. If we did not, we would not have gotten married. I have never ever been so annoyed with him that I thought I didn't want to be married to him. EVER. And he feels the same. I truly believe, and you don't have to agree, that the best way to have a strong marriage is to believe in it and each other. Lack of trust leads to judgement. Judgement leads to offense. Offense leads to hard feelings. Hard feeling lead to searching for someone ELSE who "understands."
I realize many of you reading my post laugh at me and think i am naive and unprepared. But I, on the contrary, find those of you who think this to be sad and unfulfilled. Sorry. But I do. I feel sad for you.

* Does your husband have knowledge of all your communications with your friend (and access to your email, etc.) or are there some things he doesn't know about?

No, because I don't want him to read every single word I ever write. Maybe because I whined to a friend about him and just needed to get it out and let it go and reading it word for word would hurt his feelings and just open the argument back up. I mean that about talking with women friends or men friends. He is welcome to know anything he wants about what I have said and to whom. I will be honest to everything he asks. But I am not going to offer up that I told someone that he pissed me off. Because for me, talking about it makes me feel better and allows me to let go.

* Do you selectively choose friends whom you don't find physically attractive and/or who don't meet specific needs (e.g., compliments) unmet by your husband?
I am not sure I have an unattractive friends, male or female. Maybe I just see the beauty in others!! I do not seek out friendships with attractive men. But I don't really "Seek out" friendships with men, or women, I don't already know anyway. As for specific needs- well, DH's BFF loves theater and musicals and DH does NOT. So if I heard a great musical was coming to town, I would just tell DH that I was going to see if his BFF wanted to go since I knew he would not. That doesn't mean I want to "be with" his BFF. So while I don't ever look to replace DH with a new friendship, I would enjoy activities with friends that DH doesn't enjoy, make or female.

* Do you intentionally end a friendship with a man if you begin to feel like he's attracted to you? Do you end it if you feel like you're starting to like him more than you should?

I can't imagine this happening, but it would make me uncomfortable to know that that someone wanted something from me that I could not give. It would be hurtful to HIM to be his friend and make him believe he could get something eventually that he could never get. I would not want to be "careless with another's heart" to paraphrase a great quotation. If I did fall for someone, I would get myself out of the bad situation and I would let DH know why.

* Do you try to just go out with the friend in group settings or are you fine with getting together by yourselves?

Doesn't matter. I would not have a candlelit dinner with my BFF's husband!!! But I might see a movie with a college friend and grab something to eat. I would go to Mc'ds with BFF's DH and all our kids (and I HAVE done that!). I would not go out alone with a man who I didn't already know well. See above. Not fair to him to let him think we could be on a date.

* Do you try to have your husband become friends on some level with your friend?

Yes, because I if care about someone it is highly likely that DH would also enjoy his company. This happened a while back (before I "misplaced" this friend of mine! so sad!) A great friend from college had a lot in common with me. We enjoyed the same theater, movies, conversation... and we had been intimate while in school. It made DH uncomfortable. I told DH that the friend was also really interested in history, like DH, and he would love him. DH met him, loved him, enjoyed talking about the topics I did not enjoy and then DH realized that it was all about the friendship and not the past. If I was still interested in being intimate with the friend, I would not hang out with him.

boolady
03-19-2009, 02:05 PM
I don't even know how to answer your questions. Honestly, the thought of precautions never even entered my mind. Even if I said to myself, "Co-worker Joe is an attractive man" that does not mean I am attracted to Joe, does that make sense? Or even if I were, that I would act on it.

DH did not have access to work e-mail because that was company communications and proprietary information. He knows the password to my personal e-mail (and I to his) so he could access that e-mail if he chose. It's not done as a "precaution" though, simply because those are our "standard" passwords, so we know them. I have occasionally accessed his e-mail to find something like a Priceline trip itinerary, etc.

When we went out after work it was often in a group setting. For lunch I often went out with just one person and often that was a man. I never even gave it a thought. And DH as well. Although most of his co-workers were also male, there were a few women there that were in his friend circle. Some of them I would consider very attractive women.

Now I am not naive. There were people at my work (and his) who were cheating on their spouses. Most of us knew it. It seemed to me that it was pretty readily apparent when people were crossing the line and when they weren't. JMO.

This to a T. I work primarily with men, DH works with probably 50/50, but has always had women friends at work. And, yes, there are people at my work cheating on their spouses right now, and it's been apparent since it started.

ETA: It was also apparent for a looooong time that the cheaters were headed down the cheating road, and their interactions were very, very different than my interactions with my male friends.

fivi2
03-19-2009, 02:10 PM
no precautions here.

Dh does have access to my home e-mail, but I don't think he has ever read it. He did not have access to work e-mail when I worked. I have never told him the details of all my conversations unless I thought he'd be interested in them. Not hiding, just no need to tell him things he won't care about. My friends have been all levels of "attractiveness", but I have not been attracted to any of them. I have never ended a friendship other than natural growing apart due to time or distance or life changes or whatever.

I should just say ITA with egoldber!

billysmommy
03-19-2009, 02:57 PM
My DH and I don't need to "take precautions" so that we don't cheat on each other. We don't want to cheat on each other. We love each other. We want each other. If we did not, we would not have gotten married. I have never ever been so annoyed with him that I thought I didn't want to be married to him. EVER. And he feels the same. I truly believe, and you don't have to agree, that the best way to have a strong marriage is to believe in it and each other. Lack of trust leads to judgement. Judgement leads to offense. Offense leads to hard feelings. Hard feeling lead to searching for someone ELSE who "understands."
I realize many of you reading my post laugh at me and think i am naive and unprepared. But I, on the contrary, find those of you who think this to be sad and unfulfilled. Sorry. But I do. I feel sad for you.


I don't think it's being sad and unfulfilled to be aware of what could happen. I think that pretty much everyone who gets married loves each other, wants each other and does not want to cheat on the other. Unfortunately "life" can throw things in the way that changes the mind of one or the other.

One of my best friends had a miscarriage ~ she and her husband were absolutely devastated. Her way of grieving was by shutting down completely and not wanting to talk about it at all. His way of grieving was by wanting to talk about their baby and what happened. He spent a lot of time talking about it with another friend of ours and her husband who had gone through the same thing. We all didn't really think too much about it as we were all friends and he was grieving and needing to talk about it. Well about a year later it turns out that he and the wife of the couple he was talking too had been having an affair for a few months. It was not something that they planned on doing but the circumstances they were in predisposed them to it happening.

No one can say with absolute 100% certainty that their husband/wife will never cheat on them.

boolady
03-19-2009, 03:09 PM
No one can say with absolute 100% certainty that their husband/wife will never cheat on them.

No, they can't, but I don't believe that any "precautions" that I can come up with would change that. I think that you have to trust each other, if you've earned that trust, but nothing in life is a 100% certainty.

billysmommy
03-19-2009, 03:14 PM
No, they can't, but I don't believe that any "precautions" that I can come up with would change that. I think that you have to trust each other, if you've earned that trust, but nothing in life is a 100% certainty.

I totally agree with that!!! If you have a good foundation of love, trust and respect it would be significantly less likely to happen. I was just pointing out that there is no 100% certainty, along with everything else

lizajane
03-19-2009, 03:28 PM
I totally agree with that!!! If you have a good foundation of love, trust and respect it would be significantly less likely to happen. I was just pointing out that there is no 100% certainty, along with everything else

but if you child asked you today, "mommy, are you going to die tomorrow?"

would you say, "probably not. but i can't be 100% sure."

egoldber
03-19-2009, 03:29 PM
No, they can't, but I don't believe that any "precautions" that I can come up with would change that. I think that you have to trust each other, if you've earned that trust, but nothing in life is a 100% certainty.

Exactly.

And because that was too short :yeahthat: ;)

pb&j
03-19-2009, 03:53 PM
No precautions here. I was working as an airline pilot when DH and I started dating. That meant that 99% of the time I was at work, I was traveling overnight for business with a man. Sep. hotel rooms, of course, but the other pilot and I would usually go out to eat together. It was not a big deal.

Like egolber, we both have access to each other's email, but it's not like we read the other's often - usually just in case of "emergency."

It has never occurred to me that we should have any hard and fast "rules." We are both grownups, and take our marriage vows seriously. Sure, I can't say with 100% certainty that neither of us would ever cheat, but it is highly unlikely, and we both know that the consequences would be extremely steep. We trust each other. Maybe it's naive, but it's worked out for us so far. I can't imagine that we'd be happy if we were busy trying to follow rules and use precautions about every innocuous opposite gender interaction. Life's too short to spend my time cultivating suspicion.

billysmommy
03-19-2009, 03:55 PM
but if you child asked you today, "mommy, are you going to die tomorrow?"

would you say, "probably not. but i can't be 100% sure."


That's a totally different question and situation but to answer it ~

Billy did ask that question after a friend of ours passed away and that is pretty much what we said. Do I wish that we didn't have to say that to him ~ yes I do. But he was 4.5 years old and realized that if xx could die then so could his mom and dad.

Laurel
03-19-2009, 03:58 PM
* Does your husband have knowledge of all your communications with your friend (and access to your email, etc.) or are there some things he doesn't know about?

Access to my email, etc, yes. Knowledge of every interaction? No. Though, if I was keeping my interactions a secret on purpose, I'd see that as a red flag that something wasn't right.

* Do you selectively choose friends whom you don't find physically attractive and/or who don't meet specific needs (e.g., compliments) unmet by your husband?

There aren't any men in my social circle that I am physically attracted to. I would not pursue a friendship with a man I was attracted to and if I found myself attracted to one of DH's friends or a friend's DH, I'd probably avoid forming a deeper friendship with that person. I've learned my lesson the hard way with this in previous relationships. I don't think my personal rules should apply to everyone.

* Do you intentionally end a friendship with a man if you begin to feel like he's attracted to you? Do you end it if you feel like you're starting to like him more than you should?

I probably would end or pull back the friendship in both cases.

* Do you try to just go out with the friend in group settings or are you fine with getting together by yourselves?

I would be ok with getting together with a male friend by ourselves, but I don't currently have any male friends that I spend time alone with.

* Do you try to have your husband become friends on some level with your friend?

I want DH to be friends with all my friends, male or female.

MontrealMum
03-19-2009, 04:04 PM
My DH and I don't need to "take precautions" so that we don't cheat on each other. We don't want to cheat on each other. We love each other. We want each other. If we did not, we would not have gotten married. I have never ever been so annoyed with him that I thought I didn't want to be married to him. EVER. And he feels the same. I truly believe, and you don't have to agree, that the best way to have a strong marriage is to believe in it and each other. Lack of trust leads to judgement. Judgement leads to offense. Offense leads to hard feelings. Hard feeling lead to searching for someone ELSE who "understands."
I realize many of you reading my post laugh at me and think i am naive and unprepared. But I, on the contrary, find those of you who think this to be sad and unfulfilled. Sorry. But I do. I feel sad for you.


Actually, I agree quite strongly with Liza. My DH and I have, unfortunately, had the occasion to discuss cheating in depth due to people close to us. I know more than I ever wanted to about adultry and cheating, and would prefer not to go into it further. DH are in complete agreement on the topic, and I trust him. He trusts me. This is why we got married - we trust one another. We loved each before - when we were living together for 7 years, but when we reached that level of trust, we knew it was right for us to marry. Many of you may not agree with that either, but that's our relationship and what works for us. We have been together for 15 years.

I prefer not to live my life being constantly suspicious or thinking that all men need is a hot chick and opportunity to cheat. I may be cynical about a lot of things, but not about this. As my DH says, "you dance with the one what brung you". If either of us ever felt that we ought to be finding fulfillment elsewhere, with someone else - we would file for divorce. Sounds simple, but we have discussed this issue in detail, head on, numerous times. One this one issue, at least, we agree. We don't always agree about everything else, certainly, but in this we do. We also both agree that this is what our wedding vows meant. We would not have taken them otherwise. Maybe others have different interpretations, and that's fine, but this is what we have decided upon for US.

That said, I am not some unwitting chump. If DH suddenly started behaving differently or acting suspicious, sure - I'd do something. I'd ask him first, and then I might have to do some poking around. Certainly confrontation should come first. But if he is behaving as he always has, no, I don't read his emails, texts, or personal papers. And he doesn't have access to mine. I would be offended if a partner had that little faith in me that they insisted on that. That is not the kind of relationship I want.

I chose my friends based on their common interests - as in, those that they have in common with me. I have not had to discourage a friendship with a guy since DH and I married, but I have before - not because he threatened DH with his advances, but because he creeped me out, and it was inappropriate in my mind considering that I was "taken". As Katie said, I am not interested in men other than my husband. Yes, my husband knows some of my male friends, and female ones as well, but they are my friends, as he has his own friends too. Sometimes I socialize one on one with friends, and sometimes in a group...it depends on the scheduling. Actually, neither one of us is too social these days since we are juggling so much with work, DS, and quite a few life changes, but we certainly do not put precedence to socializing with friends over socializing with each other, and I think that is truly at the heart of the matter.

I guess in that long ramble I've answered all the OP's questions. I know Oprah has done numerous specials on cheating over the years, but I have to say I'm surprised at the number of people who've said that they live their lives as if their DP might cheat if barriers were not put in place. I'm not criticizing, just mentioning my surprise. And maybe in 10-15 years DH and I will no longer be together as a pp said. Things happen. But I refuse to live my life in such a negative frame of mind.

We have no precautions and no hard and fast rules.

niccig
03-19-2009, 04:38 PM
Actually, I agree quite strongly with Liza. My DH and I have, unfortunately, had the occasion to discuss cheating in depth due to people close to us.

Same with us. And we know how the other feels about it. Our friends got back together, but it still eats at their relationship. She's an insecure person, and the cheating made that worse, 7 years later, it still affects her self-confidence. I've told DH that I'm not a forgiving person, and that I doubt I could get beyond it. It's difficult for me to trust, and once that's gone, I don't think I could get it back. So DH knows that if he cheats, it's major consequences and pretty much bye-bye to our relationship and to the family we've built together.

We've also talked about going to marriage therapy and working on things if we're having troubles, so that we don't get to the point where we look to outside people over each other. I'm a child of divorce and then parents getting back together again ala Days of our Lives. DH's parents are still married but haven't been happy in decades. Neither of us want DS to experience the emotional turmoil we had in our childhood, so we've agreed to do what it takes to keep our marriage happy and chugging along.

We don't have any rules or precautions. I agree that if wanting our family together isn't enough, then no rule will do any good.

sste
03-19-2009, 05:05 PM
The major precaution is that I don't sleep with them. :)

I also try to introduce them to my DH at some point in the friendship although that has oftentimes not worked out due to DH's schedule. I do make it a point to speak favorably of my DH so that the other person is clear that I am happily married.

I don't dump friends that are attracted to me unless they do something inappropriate or make me feel uncomfortabe - - these feelings come and go and aren't generally a big deal. I don't dump friends that I am attracted to either - - if I like them as a friend its quite likely I will find many things about them attractive and in some cases there will be a measure of attraction. Such is life as a sexual being. I never act on it, I don't let it be known, and its a non-issue. I have never had a case where the attraction has risen to the level of "crush" or something like that - - in that case I would be inclined to retreat from that friendship at least for a while.

Moneypenny
03-19-2009, 05:27 PM
I've never taken any precautions and haven't even thought about a need to do so.

If DH wants any information about any of my relationships, he is free to ask and I would gladly share, as he would do with me, I'm sure.

None of my male friends have ever professed any kind of sexual attraction for me (or any of my gay female friends for that matter, if we are focusing just on people who could be a sexual threat to my husband), and I have never professed any kind of sexual attraction for any of them. It's not what I'm looking for, it's not an issue, and there really just isn't anything more to say about it.