Question about the Bitching...

[Corie]

If I post in Bitching, are all the posters in my thread supposed to agree with me?

And, if you have a different opinion than the OP, then you aren't allowed/supposed
to post it in my bitching thread?

[LarsMal]

I think people who respond to a bitch are usually those in support because the bitching post is supposed to be a place where you can go to get something off your chest and vent. Obviously, if someone disagrees they certainly have the right to say so, and I've definitely seen it here.

I just don't think you see as much opposition to a post- as you might in the lounge- b/c this is the "safe" place to just vent w/o judgement.

At least that's how I see it!

[KrisM]

I agree. I think most responders will agree or sympathize with the OP in BP. Many offer suggestions or solutions to a problem, too.

[KBecks]

Corie, is this your first time in the BP?

[SnuggleBuggles]

I think people who respond to a bitch are usually those in support because the bitching post is supposed to be a place where you can go to get something off your chest and vent. Obviously, if someone disagrees they certainly have the right to say so, and I've definitely seen it here.

I just don't think you see as much opposition to a post- as you might in the lounge- b/c this is the "safe" place to just vent w/o judgement.

At least that's how I see it!

:yeahthat:

There was a bp thread a while back that had people complaining that they were getting suggestions when they really didn't want any. Personally, I am almost always game for additional thoughts but some people will come out and say it is ok for suggestions. Some people get really annoyed if you make any sort of suggestion. I think it's a judgment call the responder needs to make- and know that what they say might not be appreciated or desired. You may step on toes and have your's stepped on. But, those situations are more the exception than the rule, ime.

It is a nice place to complain about things- big and small- that are bugging you. I don't think that any b*tch needs to be profound. It just needs to be something that is bugging you. :)

Beth

[Corie]

Corie, is this your first time in the BP?

No. It's not my first time in the BP. I don't come here alot though.
And when I do happen to venture here, I usually don't stay long.

I do have a problem with the unspoken rule that you cannot disagree
with the OP. I get the feeling that people think they can say *whatever
crazy thing* they want in their Bitching thread and it should be okay & not questioned.

I just think that if you are going to toss out a bitch then you should probably
expect replies back that may not match your own.

I guess this is my bitch about Bitching. :)

[KBecks]

Bitch away, then! ;) I would have been very impressed if you made it 6,000 posts w/o at least a peek in here!

[mamicka]

I do have a problem with the unspoken rule that you cannot disagree
with the OP. I get the feeling that people think they can say *whatever
crazy thing* they want in their Bitching thread and it should be okay & not questioned.


I'm with you. It bothers me as well.

[egoldber]

Well, I think it's a fine line. I do think the BP is a place to vent. But I also think that if you don't want to hear what people have to say then you shouldn't post it on a public message board.

Or maybe it could be I just have a hard time sitting on my hands. :)

[KBecks]

Well, I think it's a fine line. I do think the BP is a place to vent. But I also think that if you don't want to hear what people have to say then you shouldn't post it on a public message board.

This describes my feelings.

[WatchingThemGrow]

If friends IRL toss out a bp comment, I don't usually respond with a "heck yeah, gal!" and I guess I don't follow that unspoken rule here. So I probably break the rule and toss out ideas sometimes that offer a different perspective, just like I do IRL.
Is that bad/wrong? Should I be staying out?

[Pennylane]

I agree. I think most responders will agree or sympathize with the OP in BP. Many offer suggestions or solutions to a problem, too.

I agree.

I recently posted a bitch about my dd's teacher and a few people responded with some different ways to look at the situation which really made sense and helped me look at the problem from a different perspective.

Ann

[Melaine]

I usually respond to the post based on how the title is phrased, ykwim? Often the posts, even in bitching are phrased as questions, "What am I supposed to do....." along with some problem they are facing. Then I usually sympathize and if I have any constructive ideas I might add them. Other posts are clearly just about venting, such as, "Dear Mom, You are a huge PITA". in which case I would probably just sympathize and say I hope things get better.
When I post in bitching, it is usually about petty things which don't really have a solution, but I enjoy all the responses I get, either way.

[TonFirst]

I think that the suggestions/solutions that come up in these threads are one of the best things about this part of the forum. I also think there's a clear distinction between a bitching section and a "back alley" type section where members of a board can go specifically to bait or bitch out another forum member.

[JTsMom]

I usually respond to the post based on how the title is phrased, ykwim? Often the posts, even in bitching are phrased as questions, "What am I supposed to do....." along with some problem they are facing. Then I usually sympathize and if I have any constructive ideas I might add them. Other posts are clearly just about venting, such as, "Dear Mom, You are a huge PITA". in which case I would probably just sympathize and say I hope things get better.
When I post in bitching, it is usually about petty things which don't really have a solution, but I enjoy all the responses I get, either way.

:yeahthat: I think most of the time people want some type of feedback- it just depends on the issue/person what type they are looking for. If I just 100% think the person is in the wrong, and I can't even relate a tiny bit, I usually don't respond. If the person says something along the lines of, "I just need to get this off my chest", or says that they already have it figured out, I try to keep the suggestions out of it and just offer a little note of support or whatever. If it's something along the lines of WWYD then I try to give both support, and a suggestion.

[sste]

I am a fixer - - I focus on suggestions to an annoying degree. For this reason, I could never be a therapist, grief counselor, or anything else that relied heavily on just listening and commiserating.

[Corie]

I was only asking because I have seen a few posts where the OP was
not very nice to a poster who had clearly not agreed with them.

The OP was basically saying that this is my thread and I can bitch about
whatever I want and you can stay out of it.

I thought the OP's behavior was out-of-line.

That's why I am questioning this.

[fivi2]

I rarely come to the BP, but I personally get really annoyed when I see the OP of a rant get chastised and criticized for her post. Helpful suggestions are one thing, but I have seen several where the OP is basically yelled at for daring to complain about something. I think that is wrong (JMO of course). Or I have seen BPs that are pretty thinly veiled attacks on another post. I think those are kind of rude. I thought the BP was a "safe" place where people could complain about silly stuff (or big stuff). Just to get it off their chest so they don't explode. So, while I think helpful suggestions or gentle reminders of a different perspective can help, I don't agree with the people who attack the OP. I guess it is a fine line... But if I don't agree, or I think the OP is crazy, then generally I just won't respond. I don't feel the need to tell her she is wrong.

eta: and I guess if a poster can come into a BP and yell at the person who is complaining (based on the theory that it is a public message board), then the OP can yell back at them based on that same theory... shrug. This is why I generally stay out of this board! :)

[boolady]

Well, I think it's a fine line. I do think the BP is a place to vent. But I also think that if you don't want to hear what people have to say then you shouldn't post it on a public message board.

I agree with all of this. This is why I rarely, if ever, respond to anything I read in the BP.

[gatorsmom]

Well, I think it's a fine line. I do think the BP is a place to vent. But I also think that if you don't want to hear what people have to say then you shouldn't post it on a public message board.



ITA. I've used the bp alot and thank God for its existence. It has prevented me from exploding all over others many times (so, DH probably would be thankful for its existence too :) ). And while I really try to either give hugs or offer some helpful suggestions in a very gentle manner (because I assume that all bp posters are coming from a very vulnerable place if they want to post here), I totally understand that this IS IN FACT a public message board. People may disagree. Posters may not be able to sit on their hands without commenting- especially if they've lived through a similar experience. If you really can't take some criticism, then write in your private journal.

Fwiw, I've found that the times I was criticized for my posts it was painful and really bothered me BUT after I calmed down, I learned a TREMENDOUS amount from those posts.

ETA: when I post here, I usually love to have others commiserate. Makes me feel less alone in my anger/grief/negative emotion. so thank you for your commiserations!

[MontrealMum]

I rarely come to the BP, but I personally get really annoyed when I see the OP of a rant get chastised and criticized for her post. Helpful suggestions are one thing, but I have seen several where the OP is basically yelled at for daring to complain about something. I think that is wrong (JMO of course). Or I have seen BPs that are pretty thinly veiled attacks on another post. I think those are kind of rude. I thought the BP was a "safe" place where people could complain about silly stuff (or big stuff). Just to get it off their chest so they don't explode. So, while I think helpful suggestions or gentle reminders of a different perspective can help, I don't agree with the people who attack the OP. I guess it is a fine line... But if I don't agree, or I think the OP is crazy, then generally I just won't respond. I don't feel the need to tell her she is wrong.

eta: and I guess if a poster can come into a BP and yell at the person who is complaining (based on the theory that it is a public message board), then the OP can yell back at them based on that same theory... shrug. This is why I generally stay out of this board! :)

I agree with this, and the idea that it's a fine line between bitc!es that are full-on ranting vents and those that are more frustrated parents that would be open to (nice) suggestions. But I think sometimes it's quite clear that the OP is in a very fragile state and there's a huge difference between offering helpful suggestions and just adding to what amounts to a huge pile-on of pick-on-the-OP. It's a hard call, but if there have already been lots of negative or disagreeing comments, AND if I also disagree - I just try to move on to another thread. I try to stay out of here too, but, to each her own ;)

[ha98ed14]

I was only asking because I have seen a few posts where the OP was
not very nice to a poster who had clearly not agreed with them.

The OP was basically saying that this is my thread and I can bitch about
whatever I want and you can stay out of it.

I thought the OP's behavior was out-of-line.

That's why I am questioning this.

Hi, I think I am that OP who you think was rude to the person who disagreed with me in my "Big Nasty Fight with DH" post. Perhaps I was rude. But from my perspective, her "disagreement" came across to me as self-righteous at a time when I really just wanted to b!tch about my DH and have others chime in that they have DHs with similar problems.

In my mind, her comment was as though I had posted a b!tch about how DC was vomiting because of an allergy to formula and and she responded, "oh well, then you should breast feed." I will also add that, from my perspective, this poster and I have had antagonistic exchanges in the past, so for me there is a history of feeling provoked. I really, really do not want to debate this, with the person to whom I was rude or anyone else. I am just giving my perspective as the OP.

I love coming here on my days stuck at home with DD. I have "met" people here who feel as much like friends as my IRL play group friends. I find comfort and pleasure in their company, not to mention all the awesome advice doled out by a lot of moms here. I know many others feel the same way, so that is why I concluded my exchange by saying that both of us should enjoy being on this board and give each other some space. There is most definitely room for all different perspectives. But I agree with the PPs in this thread that anything posted in the BP is probably not seeking advice. Just commiseration, BTDT, and some hugs. They would post in the Lounge, I think, if they were looking for advice. Plenty of Lounge threads contain a lot of complaining when they are seeking advice; I mean, isn't that why we come looking for advice? Because something is going less-than-smoothly.

As I said, I love coming here. I want to continue to be welcome. I do not want to antagonize others or been seen as argumentative or rude to others. In this case, I felt provoked, so I stood up to it. I hope this explains where I was coming from.

[KBecks]

In the end, the BBB rules are what apply across the board, and any "unwritten rules" just don't exist.... I think it's great that people try to be respectful of each other's feelings in the BP. The difficult thing is that one person's simple comment is another person's perceived attack, especially if said person is already feeling angry or hurting or defensive to begin with.

It's also difficult when we have BBB friends, because we tend to stick up for each other, and I hate to see BBB moms I'm pals with get treated roughly by others.

[Ceepa]

Well, I think it's a fine line. I do think the BP is a place to vent. But I also think that if you don't want to hear what people have to say then you shouldn't post it on a public message board.

:yeahthat: I think if someone is offering a bit of advice and you're not interested, just ignore and move on.

[niccig]

I use the bitching post a lot. It's my way to let off steam about something. DH works long hours, and yes I have IRL friends to complain to, but I can't bug them all the time either. So, this is my safe haven to let off some steam. I like to hear that others have had a similar situation, it makes me feel like I'm not alone with my frustrations. I try to commiserate as well, and I do offer advice, I think I'm a fixer too.

I think I better way, would be for me to commiserate and then say "if you don't mind some advice maybe try this, as it worked for me". I think we're all trying to be there for each other and to help each other work things out, as we know how difficult some things can be.

I also think that we need to watch how we say things...I bitched about a situation with a friend and some people jumped on me telling me to not take it out on the friend's DD. I was very offended, my issue was with the mother and not with the child, and I would never ever involve the child. So, sometimes we can be too quick to jump on people telling them what to do or what not to do..

[Corie]

This is why I generally stay out of this board! :)

This is why I generally stay out of this board too.

I just looked and I have posted 86 times in the Bitching forum.
This is out of over 6,000 posts.

[MartiesMom2B]

Well, I think it's a fine line. I do think the BP is a place to vent. But I also think that if you don't want to hear what people have to say then you shouldn't post it on a public message board.

Or maybe it could be I just have a hard time sitting on my hands. :)

I couldn't have said it better. I think people don't realize that what you post here is public.

[DrSally]

I think of the BP as a place to come and vent about things--big and small. I generally think people are looking for support, commiseration, and sometimes suggestions. I personally think it's bad form to post a response that's critical of the OP in the BP. Not that we can't disagree here or offer a different way to view things that may be helpful. But, when you're on your last nerve, I think it can sting to come looking for support and find criticism. I try to think of how I would respond to a friend who was having a hard time. If I don't agree with a BP post and don't have anything supportive or constructive to say, I don't post. That's just me.

ETA: I'm also going to say that just b/c this is a "public forum" doesn't mean that we can't treat each other gently.

[american_mama]

>> I think if someone is offering a bit of advice and you're not interested, just ignore and move on.

Whereas I would say if someone is venting a bit and you're not agreeing, just ignore and move on.

MANY times I've seen a poster attacked here for complaining and someone usually says, but isn't that what this forum is for. I found those angry exchanges to be quite frequent and are why I stopped coming to this forum. I think just let the person vent and move on. Don't say anything if you think they're crazy or taking the wrong approach or whatever.

Sometimes, people disagree slightly and offer helpful perspectives in a non-attacking way, but I think you have to bend over backwards to word things respectfully if you are doing that. i would not say that about other forums except this one.

[Ceepa]

>> I think if someone is offering a bit of advice and you're not interested, just ignore and move on.

Whereas I would say if someone is venting a bit and you're not agreeing, just ignore and move on.

MANY times I've seen a poster attacked here for complaining and someone usually says, but isn't that what this forum is for. I found those angry exchanges to be quite frequent and are why I stopped coming to this forum. I think just let the person vent and move on. Don't say anything if you think they're crazy or taking the wrong approach or whatever.

Sometimes, people disagree slightly and offer helpful perspectives in a non-attacking way, but I think you have to bend over backwards to word things respectfully if you are doing that. i would not say that about other forums except this one.

From prior posts it is obvious that there is no consensus on one protocol for the Bitching Forum. So whereas some posters are not happy to receive suggestions along with commiseration, others are. If someone doesn't want a gentle bit of advice then they can always say something to the effect of "I'm just venting" or "not really looking for advice". We are all parents here. Our natural instinct is to help when someone tells us they are hurting.

I'm not going to crush someone having a bad day because I don't agree with her but if I can offer something that may ease her aggravation either through action or a shift in thinking, then fine.

[DrSally]

Right. I think it's about the understood "purpose" of this forum: to vent and get support. If someone is purposely coming here for those reasons, what's the point of getting on them about something you don't agree with, KWIM? I know this is a public forum and they are no "written rules" about this, but I think it's common courtesy/sensitivity. I'm pretty proud that the BBB generally has a lot more of this than a lot of other more anonymous boards where it's no holds barred.