So upset with Teacher Conference

[StantonHyde]

DS goes to a private kindergarten (its practically the only way to get all day kindy here). It is NAEYC accredited and his teacher is very experienced. In October, we had a conference and she noted that his fine motor skills needed work--he plays with Legos and loves manipulatives, plus he was doing worksheets at school, so we figured he would improve.

Last week, DS told me he is upset because his handwriting is not as good as the other kids. I mentioned this to the assistant teacher and we looked at some other handwriting from other kids and I would agree that his writing is on the low end of normal. So I went right out to the school supply store and bought some workbooks, some pencil grippers, etc. I then talked to my neighbor who is an OT who worked with special needs kids and she has a learning delayed son--she knows OT with kids. She said she would be happy to do a quick assessment and see if it is just handwriting or connected with some other brain/learning issues.

I go to the conference today and the teacher starts talking about holding DS back a year--because his handwriting is bad and he doesn't know all of his letters and sounds. He is above level in language skills and he is "a wonderful child socially and emotionally". I tell her about my conversation with the assistant teacher and my neighbor and say I was committed to working with him over the summer and now it looks like I need to start ASAP. She had no suggestions--just that we needed to work on this.

I am PISSED. I trust the teacher to tell me if his handwriting etc is below the bell curve--I don't know what is normal. If she had mentioned this in December, I could have been working on this. We applied to a private school for 1st grade and now I am wondering if he will get accepted because his writing/letter recognition is not up to grade level. And I wanted that school because of small class sizes and a whole bunch of other reasons.

And I feel like a failure as a mother--if I had known, I could have worked on this. Yes, it is hard to make your kid do extra work, but I would have figured out a way. I actually broke down in tears in the parking lot--and I NEVER cry. DH was sweet about it. But he wanted to go to lunch and talk about how I was "going to get off the computer and do these things with DS". Um,,,,why is it always my fault/responsibility?? When are you going to do something??? His solution to every issue with the kids is for me to "fix" myself. I have already contacted the child pyschologist because DS is having real issues with the fact that his sister exists and I need some help in managing this. (DH would come too) I imagine we can have a good discussion with her about family responsibilities.

I talked to a woman I know whose son was assessed by an OT for handwriting issues and he has been in therapy/working on it for 3 mos. So I know where I need to go/what to do. It is just so frustrating to feel like I was betrayed by someone I trusted to help me parent my child and help him achieve his full potential. aaaaaargh. I realize I am upset and blabbing here, and I will be fine later. But right now I am just upset. Any ideas, stories, comments, etc are welcomed. TIA

[s7714]

:hug: No BTDT, but that really sucks that the teacher didn't say anything to you sooner. I wonder if she thought he might improve faster than he has or something?

[wellyes]

I'm sorry this is so hard. Do keep in mind that this is a bump in the road, right? Your child is "is above level in language skills and he is "a wonderful child socially and emotionally"." Do you know how many parents would love to hear that good news?

I'm not trying to minimize your frustration -- I think it's awful your child may be held back a year and you weren't given any chance to do anything about it!! I think the worst part is that you found out for yourself and were doing so much to work on it already, only to have this setback (before you even really start!).

I also your DH is a dummy. Really!! When you're having a "I'm a bad mommy" moment (and trust me, we ALL have them) his response shouldn't ever be to criticize your parenting! When I read what he said I sat here and rolled my eyes at him LOL. I know it's one of those typical Mars/Venus things: husbands think they're helping to find a solution and it just makes things worse.

Good luck, and again, in the long run I'm sure this is no big deal. But I'm sorry about your lousy, lousy day.

[Tondi G]

I had an issue with my DS in 1st grade. His teacher was retiring so she was only putting in what she had to. My son was having trouble with reading and phonics and her suggestion was "oh just keep reading to him"... Um, no he needs to be "taught" how to read! We put him in private tutoring and within a short time with the 1 on 1 tutor he caught up and then some! If you decide to go with OT and have a hard time getting it set up to start right away you might consider finding him a tutor. We used a smaller independent center and it was great. I think there is still plenty of time to get him caught up with the rest of the school year and the 10 weeks over the summer! Don't give up on him being about to continue on.

Oh and I've heard the same kinda thing from my DH... you need to get off the computer and actually DO something! Just one time I'd like to hear him say "hey I'm going to pick up the slack and help my child!"

[sste]

I don't want to generalize too much since I know nothing about your school but I think there is a danger that private schools have an incentive to ensure that classroom composition is virtually all easy to work with kids. They don't have to accept a student and they don't have to offer therapy-type services, such as OT, the way a public school would. I am not trying to insult your school but more globally to point out that this may not be as personal to your son as you are thinking.

Also, holding kids back and starting them late seems to be in vogue now.

So, take everything with a grain of salt. Personally, I would not agree to this - - your son should not be held back for an isolated delay in his handwriting.

[SnuggleBuggles]

So much can happen over the summer that I couldn't even begin to take their idea of holding him back seriously now. Of course, I wouldn't personally be doing much independently on the handwriting front because I think that is a skill that sometimes all that will help that issue is time and getting older. No child is going to excel at everything and I am willing to bet that there are other kids in the class struggling with something (socially or academically).

It really and truly sounds like he is doing a great job. Like a pp, I would have been thrilled with the positives they told you. Handwriting is so minor in comparison. I'd be far more interested in whether he can get his ideas onto paper- not how neat they are. (This is coming from a mom of a 1st grader who just started writing really nicely lately. Kindergarten didn't emphasize handwriting. They just wanted them to practice and get exposure.)

Beth

[MamaKath]

I go to the conference today and the teacher starts talking about holding DS back a year--because his handwriting is bad and he doesn't know all of his letters and sounds. He is above level in language skills and he is "a wonderful child socially and emotionally".

I am sorry it was such a difficult conference. :( I understand how frustrating as a mom stuff like that can be. Third quarter can be a time where a child who may have been lagging suddenly falls really far behind as the workload and expectations increase.

Did she explain why the handwriting would be used as a reason for the recommendation? If it takes an enormously long time for him to write something, I could see how that could cause issues in 1st grade. It probably isn't something that another year of K is going to help with; OT would help in that area.

As far as letters and sounds, did she show you the letters he does recognize vs. doesn't and same for sounds? Is it just one or two or a large percentage of them? On sounds dc recognizes, is dc utilizing them to sound out and blend? Have they worked on sight words, what percentage would dc recognize out of those they have worked on?

I would get him an OT assessment asap. Many private schools will still allow enrollment if you are working on a specific issue and documenting. Most private schools don't offer the services due to cost and [health] insurance issues.I would also recommend some 1 on 1 "tutoring" like Tondi said. You can also look for things like the Kumon series of books to practice writing and cutting, programs like Handwriting without tears, practice the alphabet as much as you can (things like alphabet aerobics where a child says a letter, then a sound while jumping/punching at air/crossing the midline, and goes all the way through the alphabet), make books out of environmental print (cereal boxes, labels from different products, etc), work on sight words (Scholastic 100 words for first grade is a place to start) and look into computer programs like "Earobics" to help with the letter/sound recognition (even Starfall is a good start for this). Find as many teachable moments, don't force learning constantly (especially if he is struggling to begin with), you don't want a power struggle over it. Be aggressive now, you have quite a bit of time between now and the start of school for some consistent work towards readiness. ETA- The book Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons is one to take a look at for some short focused time with you teaching. http://www.startreading.com/

As a mom, I would love to hear the positive of my kid being "a wonderful child socially and emotionally" most days. That is where my time and energy go for mine.

[bubbaray]

www.starfall.com (http://www.starfall.com) has some reading games

handwriting without tears gets good reviews here

Staples (here at least) always has lots of workbooks -- even the dollar stores have them. Costco (here) always has lots too.

I agree with the PPs that there may be a hidden agenda b/c its a private school. I would think an OT would be a great start, but if there is a waitlist or delay (insurance?), a Kumon center or similar would also probably be able to help.

FTR, my DH says/does similar things. lalalalala -- I can't hear you.

[mamicka]

Wha????? I had no idea that bad handwriting was important enough to hold someone back a year in school. That just sounds so ridiculous. How did all those MD's get through?

I'm not making light of this, it really just shocks me. I'd be pissed too if I were you. I think there have been some recent threads on activities to improve fine-motor skills. They seemed like they had good ideas. But honestly, I can't imagine his handwriting being such a big deal when he gets such high praise otherwise.

I'm so sorry you had a crappy mommy moment. Its not your fault.

[bubbaray]

Wha????? I had no idea that bad handwriting was important enough to hold someone back a year in school.


Yeah, I didn't get this memo. My handwritting is illegible, even to me. I have two university degrees and a professional designation. There has to be an alterior (sp?) motive here....

JMHO.

[mamicka]

There has to be an alterior (sp?) motive here....

JMHO.

Yeah - I wouldn't be surprised. But I become more & more jaded every day.

[StantonHyde]

I think the idea is that his fine motor skills are poor and it takes him longer to get his work done because his handwriting is poor. Plus he doesn't write in the lines and his handwriting is shaky. The funny thing is that my handwriting is bad and DH is a doctor and his horrible handwriting only got worse in med school.

Good point on finding out which letters and sounds he recognizes and which he does not--helps with assessment. The good news is that his handweriting and letter recognition have improved over time, they are just not up to par.

Thanks for the support--more ideas welcome. I really appreciate the support--this is just hard for me.

And yes, in the scheme of things, things could be a LOT worse. It just pisses me off that he might have missed out on going to a great elementary school due to something we could have been working on.

When we had the parent interview at the elementary school, they asked if he had any academic challenges--I brought up the handwriting and said I was looking at workbooks and that we would work on it over the summer. They said their assessment showed he had weak fine motor and that it was great that I was doing something about it. We are supposed to hear from the school by April 15. I have half a mind to call them to say "I now know he is weak in fine motor and I will get an OT assessment etc--and I would have done more sooner if the teacher had told me it was an issue". Just to give them the impression that I will work on this since this is also a private school and it does not have special services. Bad idea? Good idea?

Thanks again!!!

[Wife_and_mommy]

Just wanted to send hugs. I posted a similar issue yesterday about my DD. She'll be in kindy in the fall and is a bit behind the (to me)accelerated pace her classmates are working at.

[dhano923]

I understand your anger, but I'm going to play devil's advocate here. My son is about a year younger than yours and also in a private kindergarten so I think I understand your situation.

You said the teacher told you in October that his fine motor skills needed work but you figured they would improve. Did you work on his fine motor skills with him? My son's preschool teacher mentioned my DS's fine motor skills were a little behind, and so we started doing those kind of things at home -- using safety scissors, tracing letters and number, cutting on lines, etc. When he started kindergarten, he was on par with the other kids his age.

Also, you said the teacher wants to hold him back not just because of the handwriting, but also because of letter recognition. Here in my area, kids must know their letters and numbers, be able to write them and read them by end of kindergarten. Sounds like your area is the same. Do you do exercises/reading with him at home? Does he bring home his schoolwork for the parents to review? My DS's school sends home the corrected schoolwork every Friday for the parents to review so they can see what their child is having issues with.

I'm not blaming you for what's going on, but just trying to gently point out that the teacher is there to assist the parents in teaching the children, but parents still have to follow up and guide the children outside of the classroom. I don't really see where the teacher is at fault here for not telling you there was an issue because it sounds like she tried to point it out in October.

[bubbaray]

the teacher is there to assist the parents in teaching the children


Not trying to be argumentative, but IMO, unless you homeschool, the teacher is there to teach the children. I will assist by ensuring homework is done and the children are read to nightly, but its not *my* job to teach the children. That is the teacher's (chosen) job. JMHO.

[Wife_and_mommy]

When we had the parent interview at the elementary school, they asked if he had any academic challenges--I brought up the handwriting and said I was looking at workbooks and that we would work on it over the summer. They said their assessment showed he had weak fine motor and that it was great that I was doing something about it. We are supposed to hear from the school by April 15. I have half a mind to call them to say "I now know he is weak in fine motor and I will get an OT assessment etc--and I would have done more sooner if the teacher had told me it was an issue". Just to give them the impression that I will work on this since this is also a private school and it does not have special services. Bad idea? Good idea?

Thanks again!!!

I think this would be a good idea. I had started working with DD on kindy concepts but she was not up to their benchmarks. The principle was very encouraging about working on it so she wouldn't lag in the fall. They'll be glad to know you're aware and working with your DS.

Hugs again.:hug:

[dhano923]

Not trying to be argumentative, but IMO, unless you homeschool, the teacher is there to teach the children. I will assist by ensuring homework is done and the children are read to nightly, but its not *my* job to teach the children. That is the teacher's (chosen) job. JMHO.

I agree that a teacher chooses to teach, but IMO, part of being a parent is teaching your children. We love our private school, and I love DS's teachers, but I would never rely on them solely to teach my child. I work with him in the evening and the weekends to review words/letters/sounds, to go over math problems, and to review his homework with him so he understands what he did wrong. On the weekends, we do arts and crafts as a family so both kids can work on fine motor skills. I think those type of things definitely help kids learn and build on what they learn in the classroom.

[StantonHyde]

DS's school does not have homework. There is nothing to review on a weekly basis. When the teacher mentioned working on fine motor--it was to do things like cutting and playing with PlayDoh. We do plenty of Playdoh here. I just think that when he was still behind at the half way mark, I would have preferred that I get some communication.

I am happy to supplement my child's education--if it is needed. We read every night, we do lots of educational things with the kids. He has an amazing memory and knows lots of facts about things and can put them together etc. I didn't test him on the weekends because I trusted the school to teach him. And his language skills are so high--I generally talk to him about what he is doing at school.

My parents supplemented my education in high school--but until then I was ok with the teachers. 5 days of all day kindergarten is quite a bit, I think. Again, it is not the teacher's ability etc--it is the communication. I mean if you are considering something that extreme--holding back--telling a parent 6 weeks before the end of school seems a bit late to me.

I really don't want to debate who is supposed to be teaching here. I just need ideas on what to do next (there have been some great ones), to hear from other moms who have had kids be delayed in an area and how they worked to overcome that delay, and the reframe/perspective that things will be ok with some work.

[AngelaS]

Developmentally, our large muscles develop first, starting from the trunk and going out---that makes finger muscles about the last to develop. Part of developing fine motor skills comes with age and maturity. It's possible that he's not physically ready to be doing a lot of writing and worksheets. He may very well be more ready in 6 months tho and be totally fine in first grade.

There's more to strengthening fine motor skills than just playing with Legos or stringing beads or writing. I'd encourage him to pick up beads with tweezers (the little ones you melt together work great) and move them from the table into a Dixie cup. Give him a bunch of nuts and bolts in various sizes and encourage him to screw them together. Have him pick up small (like 1/4 inch size) colored pompons and sort them by color into a muffin tin. Stand the muffin tin on end and have him put the little pompon birdies into their bird houses. Give him clothes pins and socks, run a string across the room and have him hang things up.

You can easily help him build the muscles he'll need for writing. At the same time you can work on his attention span. You can tell him that for the next 10 minutes (set a timer) you're going to play a new game or that you need his help sorting pompons or putting the bolts and nuts together or whatever. :)

[o_mom]

Here are a couple past threads with lots of suggestions of activities to build fine motor skills:

http://www.windsorpeak.com/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=313115

http://www.windsorpeak.com/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=318891

[JBaxter]

So are they suggesting another year of kindgergarten to give him a chance to catch up? It may be he needs another year before he is ready for 1st grade.

[JTsMom]

:hug: I can tell from your posts that you are a dedicated mother. Please don't let this experience, or the bonehead comments your DH made, make you feel any differently about that. Sometimes little glitches like this happen, and it's nobody's fault. You're willing to step up and help your DS in whatever way you need to, and that's going to go a long way. Before you know it, he'll be on track again, and it probably won't take long at all.

Here are some things that you can try to work on hand strength/fine motor skills. (DS has been receiving OT for the same thing.)

-Put little "treasures" (beads/buttons/etc) in playdough, and have him squeeze the dough to find it. Don't let him pick it apart- squeezing is key.
-Tracing/cutting/connect the dot worksheets. There are a lot of printables online. Google preschool tracing.
-Put clothespins on the edge of the cup. Have him squeeze them to remove them/add them. Make sure he is using 2 fingers, not a fisted grasp.
-Lacing/sewing projects/bead stringing
-The Playdoh monkey that grows hair is a big hit here. It requires hand strength to grow the hair, cut the hair, roll the dough to put in the monkey, etc. (Target, I think it was about $12)

Letter recognition/sounds

I can get you a lot of ideas on this, I just have to dig up an old school book I have- I'll try to do that sometime today. In the meantime...

-Get a big sheet of posterboard. Make a trail of letters, leading to some type of "end" (a rainbow, a castle, etc). Use a spinner you already have, or a die. Take turns rolling/spinning. Name the letter you land on, and make it's sound.

-Make letters out of sandpaper for him to trace with his finger.

-Give him a shallow pan (like a cookie sheet or baking dish) filled with cornmeal or sand. Have him copy letters in it (with his finger). You can also do this with cars/trucks with the same stuff, or with paint.

-Make collages focusing on a certain letter. For example, if you want to work on B, flip through magazines together and find B's, or things that begin with B- boy, boat, banana, then glue them to a paper.

-Make an ABC book. You can find printable letters/pics that start with each letter online at places like about.com and FisherPrice.com. Color/decorate with stickers/paint each letter/picture and put them in a binder to make a book.

-Check out No Time For Flashcards. She does a ton of great letter projects.

I would also try to get a hearing/vision exam done if you haven't already, in addition to the OT eval.

Hope this helps a little. I would all but guarantee you'll get him caught up by the end of the year if you work on these things a little ever day. Try to keep it fun for both of you.

[egoldber]

I'm sorry you are going through this. School issues are so hard.

I will say that first grade generally has a LOT more writing and timed writing than K. That is probably why the teacher is concerned about moving forward to first. He really may just need time, but on it's own it may take more time than the school may be willing to give it. That is one of the downsides of privates is they can select which populations of kids they are willing to work with. Is he young for grade? In which case, the teacher may be a bit biased about that in general.

I would also suggest an OT eval ASAP to get a better sense of what is going on. Some teachers are better at assessing these things than others.

[KBecks]

I think you might be overworrying over the acceptance into the new school. Personally I would not raise this as a red flag to them at this point and give them a reason to reconsider.

[o_mom]

OK, now that I've read through the whole thread, I'll throw in my $0.02...

I would be more concerned about him not knowing letters/sounds than the handwriting. That is something that really should be mastered by the end of K (according to your state standards). It may mean he just needs time, but it also could mean that he has something else going on that is keeping that from clicking. The disconnect between his language skills (I'm assuming she means verbal) and decoding printed letters is something that could point to a larger issue as well. Together with the fine motor concerns, I think that it is worth getting some assesments done. If there is something more to it, then repeating the same K curriculum that didn't work this year isn't going to fix it.

[KBecks]

I'm sorry you are going through this. School issues are so hard.

I will say that first grade generally has a LOT more writing and timed writing than K. That is probably why the teacher is concerned about moving forward to first. He really may just need time, but on it's own it may take more time than the school may be willing to give it. That is one of the downsides of privates is they can select which populations of kids they are willing to work with. Is he young for grade? In which case, the teacher may be a bit biased about that in general.

I would also suggest an OT eval ASAP to get a better sense of what is going on. Some teachers are better at assessing these things than others.


Is the writing in first grade printing writing or cursive writing? I think it's strange that this is pushed so much on younger kids.

There are some good Montessori letter recognition and writing exercises that could be fun for at home practice. I have a book called Montessori read and write that I am looking at as part of our home education experimentation. It looks OK. You probably could google for fine motor skill building and letter recognition games and get good ideas too.

[KBecks]

There's more to strengthening fine motor skills than just playing with Legos or stringing beads or writing. I'd encourage him to pick up beads with tweezers (the little ones you melt together work great) and move them from the table into a Dixie cup. Give him a bunch of nuts and bolts in various sizes and encourage him to screw them together. Have him pick up small (like 1/4 inch size) colored pompons and sort them by color into a muffin tin. Stand the muffin tin on end and have him put the little pompon birdies into their bird houses. Give him clothes pins and socks, run a string across the room and have him hang things up.

:yeahthat: All of these things are awesome ideas.

[mamicka]

Great suggestions, Angela. Here's a website I stumbled across yesterday & thought it might have something helpful.
http://www.fascinate-educate.com/abcs/top-ten-things-to-remember-when-teaching-letters/

[mom2binsd]

Rebecca,

I'm not sure if you're in Jordan or Salt Lake District, but when I worked in Jordan School District as an SLP I was often brought in by the K teachers if they were having concerns with any child in the class who might be at risk, IN NOVEMBER! I know that holding back a child in K is not something we took very lightly and we would never have held back a child for just the reasons you are stating.

One thing to request, ask the school, in writing, for a Speech and Language Evaluation to determine Ben's phonological skills (sound/letter recognition, how he manipulates sounds, rhyming, being able to hear/recognize beginning and final sounds etc.) Request an Academic Eval to determine his basic skills across the board. Every year as an SLP I usually had about 5 K children on my caseload for "phonological skill development" working on just what you have described. By requesting the eval in writing the school has to respond within about 15 days.

I'd also ask the principal what the critieria are for holding back a child, our district had a set written protocol which included evals by the Special Ed team. I'm often not one to easily criticize a teacher as I have the utmost respect for what they are required to do for their jobs I feel like your teacher completely dropped the ball by waiting until APRIL!

Feel free to pm with any more questions. You also got some great links to wonderful sites to help you start at home.

[boltfam]

To me, it sounds like you are an involved and dedicated mother, and i can totally relate to DH's comment. I've heard ones like that, too.

I know it might not seem like it, but I think DS's teacher does want what is best for your son. I taught 5th grade before having kids, so I'm more experienced with the upper levels, but it sounds like the teacher did inform you and you DID take action, which is great. Many parents wouldn't do that, IME.

I think you can ultimately do what you want...hold him back or not. Where I taught, it is pretty much up to the parent. Does DS know about the possibility of being held back? How does he feel about it?

I do think letter recognition etc. is more of a concern than handwriting, and you've gotten some great suggestions to help with the fine motor skills. For letter recognition, you can continue to work on it at home, and you could even ask the teacher for some suggestions (even though you might not want to talk to her right now). Sylvan Learning Center also has a great beginning reading program, so if you choose to go that route, I would check it out. I taught there, and the students were very successful at getting caught up.

I hope some of that helps, and good luck. You're a good mom!

[stella]

It sounds like a really carppy day, and I am sorry. I think you have received some great suggestions for the fine motor skills development, and I seriously doubt that your son's not-so-good handwriting is a direct result of your reading about parenting on the computer.

IME (anticipating the flames here!), fathers (often in high-powered careers) often expect the sahm to be responsible for EVERYTHING. As in "I make the money, you take care of house and children and all issues related thereto". That was part of the reason I went back to work - so that EVERYTHING child and home-related doesn't have be MY responsibility. So I think he was carppy to you.

You sound like an excellent and involved mom, and I would agree with the poster who said that the important thing is that your child is doing well socially and emotionally; and that this is a bump in the road.

I hope today brings more clarity and perspective. hugs.

[SnuggleBuggles]

deleted by me after reading previous replies.

I do think you shouldn't alert the new school to the possible concerns. I think that you already let them know you are working on it and that is more than enough.

Beth

[hollybloom24]

I'm sorry!

I can totally relate - my daughter is slightly delayed in gross and fine motor skills, and we are having her assessed by our public school system. We are also bringing her to a neurologist just to be sure.

My husband says the same thing - "get off the computer and do XYZ with the kids..." yet he does NOTHING to help them read, write, etc. It really makes me mad, especially since during our bedtime routine when we are reading books, he's been known to be on his Blackberry!

You are a good mom and you are doing all the right things!

[StantonHyde]

Thank you, thank you for your responses. Just to clarify, DS's birthday is October 1, so he will already be 7 going into first grade. He above grade level in verbal skills and he does well socially/emotionally. I think several posters have hit the nail on the head that his letter/sound recognition issues could signify a learning delay or disability of some kind. Repeating K isn't going to fix that--from what I can see. I think intervention is the way to go.

So I am calling the OT clinic today and the REading assessment center. It takes about 3 weeks to get an appointment. My friend, the OT, said she would do a little screen with him this weekend to see if he needs a full on language/reading assessment or if this is just a small issue. (he is getting the assessment anyway--this is more to calm me down ;)) There are reading camps he can go to over the summer etc.

So I feel better today about how I am going to get info and get a plan. I will be much better once I have a plan--even if it is really bad news.

It does bring to a head some of the DH issues. I work PT in a job that is very flexible for my family. I researched and selected schools, I run all the family activities etc etc. So, yes, after I have spent 1-2 hours getting them to school every day (DH is either at work or sleeping from having worked the night shift) and then I pick them up at 2 different places--HE can spend 2-3 hours with them in the evenings! And I get them practically all day on the weekends as well. So, yes, we will be having a discussion about dividing the work load--like he could pick up the kids a couple days a week--like on the days when he does not work. And we will be having a discuss about how when we discuss a problem, we need to identify the problem, and then HE needs to say how HE contributes to it and how he sees himself DOING something to fix it. Case in point--he was furious that the kids were getting food on the floor in the family room. I don't check that area all the time so I don't see it. So what does he do? Unload on me about how "we live in filth" and how I need to stop the kids from doing this by supervising them more closely (when he is at home mind you and could do it as well) He has no idea what filth looks like. The next day, I came up with how to fix it--put a large towel on the couch and put the plastic mats on the floor. And I called him on it and said why would you walk around with all that anger? And why am I the person who has to think of a way to fix it? Why can't you do something about instead of bottling it up and then spewing it at me. I thought got it. Apparently not. And yes, I understand the men want to fix it vs women want to emote. He wanted to go to lunch yesterday to discuss all of this and I said no. I could not support him emotionally because that would mean him bitching at me so he could fix it by telling me to fix myself. And I was in no place to be attacked. Whew!!!!!! A little touchy today!!!

This will all blow over. I am seeing my therapist today for a previously scheduled 50K mile check up. Good timing.

Thanks again for your help.

[dogmom]

I might want to suggest that you look at you public schools. Where I live I have heard from more than one parent that private schools are not so great at kids with any kind of delay/need. I'm sure some of it is they don't have as much resources. I'm sure other parts of it is they are not REQUIRED to have the resource like public schools. I know one mother who is pulling her kids out of the private school to put them in public because one of the twin boys is having trouble reading. She has gotten the message of the past year they they really aren't interested in her kids if they aren't easy in school The school's attitude is, he's have trouble reading, get him a tutor with no offer to help or anything else. And this is supposed to be a very good school. I can 100% say my public kindergarden would not be telling me in March that there was that much of an issue and he might have to be held back. In October they were identifying students that needed "helping hands" therapy for writing/fine motor and had them in a program. IT SHOULD NOT be all up to you. They are educating him, this is part of the education you are paying for.

You should be able to get your son assessed by the public school system even if he is not in it, because you can put him in it.

[egoldber]

I can 100% say my public kindergarden would not be telling me in March that there was that much of an issue and he might have to be held back. In October they were identifying students that needed "helping hands" therapy for writing/fine motor and had them in a program.

Yes, this. I was thinking after I replied earlier that I know that in our district if your child is not meeting the expectations for grade level at the end of Q2, they send home an "at risk of retention" note to parents and there is then a plan developed for how to remediate their needs. And also over the summer the district has a program to help students meet the goals of they are close but still need some help.

[erosenst]

So sorry you've had such a difficult few weeks.

A few miscellaneous thoughts:

* One thing I've learned from the (mostly excellent) teachers in Abby's daycare/preschool over the years is that they are very hesistant to give 'bad news'. If a parent asks, they will volunteer...but unless an issue is really bad, they don't bring it up. Although it is (should be?) different once they hit 'real' school, it often isn't.

* Many people are surprised to learn that, in general, private schools are less able/equipped to deal with kids who vary from the norm than public schools. Part of it is that they can be selective about who goes there; part of it is lack of funding for 'resource' providers. Part of it is that smaller class sizes means that there are less kids who need additional work on a given area, so they're less incented to have someone on staff trained to work with those issues.

* Assessments/evals by qualified professionals are NEVER a bad idea. At the worst, your fears are allayed, and you find out he's more on a developmentally appropriate path than you thought. Otherwise, you are given more of a guide toward what therapy/therapies you should be seeking.

* It's WONDERFUL that you're so committed to working with him. But I strongly suggest that you start with qualified professionals who can work with him. It eliminates the parent/child dynamic, and gives him time to work with someone who is both trained and solely focused to work on his specific needs. A good therapist will also give you things to work on between sessions, and he will progress much more quickly because you're willing to do it.

Good luck -

Emily

[DrSally]

Hugs. I think the OT is definitely the way to go. That was not cool of your DH to say what he said. I know you feel guilty, but how could you have know. The teacher really should have let you know he was having issues earlier. Do you live in NYC? I know private schools are a labrynth to negotiate there and it all starts with preschool. I guess I'm happy we have excellent public schools and hardly anyone chooses private around here, so that's not really an issue. I can understand how all that pressure of getting into the school you want can really be difficult! It is not your fault. He's agreat kid and you're a great mom.

[DrSally]

I don't want to generalize too much since I know nothing about your school but I think there is a danger that private schools have an incentive to ensure that classroom composition is virtually all easy to work with kids. They don't have to accept a student and they don't have to offer therapy-type services, such as OT, the way a public school would. I am not trying to insult your school but more globally to point out that this may not be as personal to your son as you are thinking.

Also, holding kids back and starting them late seems to be in vogue now.

So, take everything with a grain of salt. Personally, I would not agree to this - - your son should not be held back for an isolated delay in his handwriting.

Good points.