Annoying mom @ DD's class! WWYD?

[alien_host]

So there are a bunch of annoying mom's at DD's class. It's a weekly class for 3-5 year olds held at a My Gym/Gymbo type place. Anyway there are several moms who in general are unfriendly and rude.

DD and this other 3 year old have been in the same class since the fall. After class, some of the kids hang around for open gym time and in the lobby. The mom was trying to get her daughter to go home. The kid was very cranky and threw something at the mom. DD is very observant and walked over and picked up the item and said "here you go". DD then asked why the other girl threw it etc. DD can talk with anyone. The mom said something like "oh I don't know". Then she turned to another mom and said, "why can't that girl give B some space? That little girl is so annoying, I can't stand her". I was shocked! I don't think DD was paying attention or didn't realize the mom was speaking about her.

Who says that about a 3 or 4 year old? DD is very interested in what others are doing. I didn't know what to say/do. I was across the room but could hear everything. I shot a nasty look at the mom's friend. I asked DD to come over and play with some other kids.

When DD sees someone crying she says "why is she crying?". Sometimes she walks up to the child. She just wants to know what is going on. I never really thought it was "annoying" or bad. Usually I tell DD that the child is sad and steer her in another direction. This was similar, she saw someone she knows from class and wanted to understand what she was doing and why she was upset. I wasn't able to intercept DD before she got over to the other kid. I don't want to discourage DD to not have "compassion" for others.

Am I wrong, should I be telling her not to "get in people's space"? She's almost 4.

How would you have handled the situation? I really was so stunned, I couldn't say anything!

[Ceepa]

:47: I don't know what to say.

Wait, yes I do. Don't let some witch turn your DD into someone who she isn't. Your DD wanted to help her little friend and understand why she was upset. That's compassion.

The mom was probably exasperated and embarrassed but that is NO excuse for acting like a horse's ass.

[Indianamom2]

Your DD sounds a lot like mine. She is extremely observant and very compassionate. She would do the same thing.

I actually think it's a trait to encourage. She will talk with anyone and is very curious. I think some people just aren't used to that in their own children and don't know how to respond. Either way, the other mom was not being a good role model and certainly wasn't responding in a kind way. It's my experience that so many moms in that type of group situation are there mainly for THEIR own socialization and they don't spend enough time with their own children (Read: don't want to be bothered).

I would just brush it off and remember that you have a very unique (in a great way) little girl.

Christina

[infomama]

That woman is an immature bi*%h. What kind of person would say those kind of things? Your DD is kind and caring you should not try to stifle those qualities in the least. I'm sorry that happened to you guys.

[ha98ed14]

I think this woman's reaction was way over the top. That said, I understand why she may not have wanted what she felt like was an audience to her DD's bad behavior. I am often this mom: having to discipline/ distract/ redirect my DD from doing disruptive things (particularly at our place of worship) and there are always other little kids around who ask, "Why are you doing XYZ." It is annoying to feel like you have to explain your child's misbehavior and justify your parenting to another child who is asking, "Why is XYZ happening?" So I can understand what this mom is feeling. BUT nevertheless, this mom handled it very poorly. In a similar situation, I have said, "She is having a difficult moment/ is tired/ is feeling sad. She will be ok. Where's your mom?" Usually by then, the DC's mom picks up on the situation and calls DC over. So it has never gotten to the point you are describing. And I would never in one million years say anything about the other child. The most I would say would be, "Maybe you could go find your mom/ dad. I need DD to be alone right now. Thank you." And if that didn't work, I would move me and DD to another area. I seriously doubt another DC would follow. So yes, she could have handled it 100 other ways with "I" statements that would not have put down your DD. I am sorry she treated your DD like that.

[egoldber]

I agree with the above. While she was COMPLETELY out of line, she was probably a) just at *that* breaking point and b) already embarrassed at her own child's behavior. I do admit I don't appreciate it when other children step in when I am handling a situation with my child and their parents don't swoop in to intervene. I am already busy with my own kid, I don't have the mental energy to provide thoughtful, reflective commentary to someone else's at the same time.

And while it is great that your DD is compassionate, I don't think 4 is too early for her to start learning about personal space. Some kids (like my older DD) do have a very hard time with this concept and what was cute at 4 is now a very definite social liability at 7.

But again, she had no business saying what she did, but I have to admit I've been closer than I would like on occasion. I remember once when Sarah was 5 she had the mother of all tantrums when I picked her up from K. And there was a mother and child who would.not.leave.us.alone. I finally had to be extremely direct (and I'm sure she thought I was really rude) to the mom to get her to go away because it really was just escalating the situation with my DD.

[gatorsmom]

As I was reading what your daughter said and did, I thought, "oh, what a sweet little girl." I don't care what the embarassed mother was going through or what she was thinking, she shouldn't have said THAT. There is no excuse for rudeness, especially to an innocent child. If she doesn't want to be bothered with other little children, why go to these classes?? Jeez, lady, keep your kid at home and spare the rest of the world your mean tirades.

Your daughter sounds kind and delightfully inquisitive. You must be doing a great job with her. Keep it up!

[infomama]

"She is having a difficult moment/ is tired/ is feeling sad. She will be ok. Where's your mom?"
Perfect..if she only had an ounce of maturity. I understand she may have been having a bad moment but that is NO excuse to loose it on someones child and call them "annoying" to their face.
I don't live under a rock...I'm aware there are some uber annoying kids out there but your DD does not fit the bill. Sorry again.

[KpbS]

"... That little girl is so annoying, I can't stand her".

This is the part that is absolutely over the top inexcusable IMO. To insult your DD and to say such horrible things--I am shocked as well.

I agree that the mom was undoubtedly embarrassed and losing it mad. But still!!! She has to be the grown-up. I can't believe someone would say such hurtful words about a child in the presence of the child or any children who might overhear.

I wouldn't bring it up but I would be tempted to not go back.

[MMMommy]

Man, that woman is the one who is annoying, not your daughter. She obviously isn't a very mature person to make such an offensive comment like that about a 3 year old. She needs to lighten up!

[Momof3Labs]

I have to admit that my reaction was pretty close to Beth's when I read the initial post. The woman's comment to your DD was totally out of line, but had I been dealing with a child having a tantrum, I would expect a parent to not allow their 4yo to approach and interact with my child.

You can still teach compassion, however, while still teaching about personal space (which isn't just about physical space). Perhaps teach her to come to you when she sees these situations so that you can assess it quickly and either give her the go-ahead to approach or to stay back. Then you can teach her what cues you look for - for example, a child arguing with their parent is a time to NOT interfere.

[sste]

Well, my personal take would be that either by virtue of genetics or upbringing, BOTH that mother and that DC have some behavior issues!! I can also see how its annoying to have another child there and I can even see saying, "That is annoying . . . " in a moment of anger. But to say you can't stand a child in front of that child?!! That to me speaks of a real LACK of impulse control or understanding of social norms or just plain caring about anyone else's feelings. In these situations, when I see mirrored bad behavior by parent and child I just let it go with a mental note that the apple didn't fall far from the tree in that case (and a moment's sadness for the child of the offending parent) . . .

[bubbaray]

I have to admit that my reaction was pretty close to Beth's when I read the initial post. The woman's comment to your DD was totally out of line, but had I been dealing with a child having a tantrum, I would expect a parent to not allow their 4yo to approach and interact with my child.

You can still teach compassion, however, while still teaching about personal space (which isn't just about physical space). Perhaps teach her to come to you when she sees these situations so that you can assess it quickly and either give her the go-ahead to approach or to stay back. Then you can teach her what cues you look for - for example, a child arguing with their parent is a time to NOT interfere.


:yeahthat:

ITA with Lori and Beth. I barely have enough patience for my own child(ren) when I am in the middle of a discipline situations. I do not want to deal with other children. OK, I admit it, I don't particularly want to deal with other people's children most of the time.

I don't think there is an excuse for what she said about your DD, that sucks.

[alien_host]

I appreciate everyone's comments. It just bugged me what the mom said, especially since this mom is rude all.the.time. Most of the other moms stay to watch their kids and this (and a few of her friends) always are loud and obnoxious and will stand directly infront of the door which has glass to see their kids while others are standing back but trying to watch. Clearly they don't think "anyone else is important". So I suppose my general dislike for her makes me even angrier as to what she said. ETA: Of course, I've never said anything or been nasty to this mom - somehow most of the rest of us just ignore these other moms ;)

To clear a few things up, her daugher wasn't having a full on tantrum (on the floor screaming etc). She just was sitting on the floor and wasn't saying anything but was refusing to get up. The mom was sitting on a chair nearby and was saying "come on we need to go" (while continuing a convo with a friend, not fighting with her to get her coat on etc.). That's when the girl threw something (not violently, just tossed it at her mom). And that's when DD approached. Had they been in a really nasty tantrum, I would have done more to keep DD back, but I didn't want to draw additional attention to what was happening by running up and asking DD to leave etc. We are in a public/shared space where there are tons of kids running around.

This child is like this about 50% of the time and most times she is crying (her mom commented on how overtired she is). DD has asked me on more than one occasion, "why is Mary crying?" In earshot of the mom. I usually tell her "it's OK, she's probably a little sad, she'll be ok" and we try to leave the area. One time I heard the mom say to "Mary". "Good Lord that little girl just asked why you were crying".

I realize it is HARD when your child isn't behaving but I just can't imagine saying those words to a child. Honestly, she could have done a million other things. Sure in the moment she was annoyed with DD, and she probably was directing some of it at me too.

Last night I talked with DD and asked her why she went over to "mary", she said she was trying to see if she was OK. I'll have to try and keep her back in the future. I think a PP's idea of me asking DD to check in with me might be a good thing to implement. Seriously, we have NEVER incountered somthing like this before.

And I know DD is no saint, we have our share of tantrums too. I'm going to have a hard time looking at this mom again. But I won't let one bad egg ruin a class that DD loves.

Thanks for the support/advice!

[infomama]

But I won't let one bad egg ruin a class that DD loves.
Good. Rise above it and know that you are a better person. Your DD is lucky to have you for her mama.

[KpbS]

. But I won't let one bad egg ruin a class that DD loves

Maybe you could change class times if the classes aren't full and another would fit your schedule. It could be a chance to meet some new kids and parents.

[alien_host]

Good. Rise above it and know that you are a better person. Your DD is lucky to have you for her mama.

Hey thanks! Although, I was just thinking that maybe my general dislike for this woman caused me to not "swoop in" and stop DD from interacting with her child. I don't know, I'm probably over thinking it, but it is possible. I totally wouldn't let DD "get in the face" of someone's DC who I liked or didn't know, but maybe I treated her differently.

And as for another time, unfortunately, the other day it's offered isn't great for us b/c DD has school. I'm secretly hoping they drop the class when it ends in a few weeks ;)

I'm sure this is just the beginning of having to deal with others who may not like my child etc. Sigh, it's just so sad to hear someone talking badly about your own DC, KWIM? It just seemed so personal by saying "I can't stand her". Rather than "That behavior really bugs me" or something like that :(

OK I have to move on b/c thinking about it all makes my blood boil!