When do I get to stop worrying?

[ha98ed14]

Never! Right? That's what it means to be a parent. Ugh. I am just so tired of worrying.

DD has a dx'd speech delay. She has been getting therapy for over 6 months now. She is *still* very behind. One word answers. Only. She will not put 2 words together. At almost 23 months.

DH just came back from taking a dinner over to some family friends who just had a baby. Their older DS has the same exact birthday as my DD. DH said their DS was telling him all about the ice cream truck. In full sentences. Complete with definite articles, self-referencing pronouns and subject-verb agreement.

Then I posted about the self-gagging and throwing up problem. So I researched some of the feedback I got here. For my research, my options are:
1) "DD has a rare allergy condition caused by environmental pollutants." Did I mention we live in pollution central SoCal? OR
2)"DD has some sensory-seeking/ attention-getting/ emotional/ behavior problem for which she needs immediate psychiatric help."

I called the OT at the therapy place where DD gets SLT and asked for an eval. They are working on getting the paper work together for the case worker to petition for an eval. My ped's less than helpful advice was to leave her in her own puke for 10-15 minutes so she does not get the attention she is seeking. But what about my own level of discomfort with a puke-covered toddler roaming around my apartment. *I* am the one who has to clean up after her, not the ped. I am hoping the OT people can help me.

OMG! She isn't even 2 years old. How can I have screwed her up *THIS* badly. I feel like this is all my fault. But how the eff can it be? I don't know what else to do but to ask for help. Tell me I don't suck as a mother. I mean, at least I try to get her help. But maybe that is my problem. Maybe I am LOOKING for problems with my child. My MIL thinks that I am paranoid there is something wrong with DD. Well, I was worried about her speech... and I was right. Now I am worried she will have some kind of body image disorder by the time she is 5. I don't see how she cannot get enough attention. She is the only child. DH and I have been arguing more lately, but we still love and play with her. She is our only child. Our world revolves around her little 22 lbs, 22 mo old self. So how can we be doing it wrong? How come other people's children are normal and why isn't mine?!?! Whine... Somebody pass me a twisty straw!

[WatchingThemGrow]

Crud, I forgot to get twisty straws at the grocery!!! Just wait for the eval and go with the recommendations from that. I just have to say I'm impressed you are investigating and researching now at 22 mos. SO many kids have walked into my K class with crazy things going on and their parents have been like "Well...we knew she didn't do x,y, or z like her brother, but we didn't know anything was wrong."

Sorry you're feeling icky about stuff! ITA that puke is a smell I don't want around.

[kedss]

hugs, mama-
its tough when you can't wave a magic wand and make everything perfect. my ds speaks differently than his friends, but not differently enough to get help from the schools before he starts K this fall. I know he's just as smart as his friends, but it is hard when I know I can't be there for him in the classroom this fall like I was able to the last couple of years(he was in a co-op).

All I can do is appreciate who he is, and take the steps to help when I can.

You're not alone, and please pass an extra long twisty straw.

[AngelaS]

Ugh! I'm sorry you're feeling like you did something wrong! You haven't! The fact that you've had her tested tells us all that you want to make sure you're doing the best for her!

If it helps, TWO of mine didn't put two words together at her age. They both used lots of baby signs and would sign multiple words, but I know for a fact that at her second birthday, my oldest wasn't saying two words together. I think she only had 4 spoken words! My second chidl wasn't talking then either. Now--both of them will.not.shut.up!! Seriously, it'll come. You're getting her help and she will learn to talk. :)

My youngest WAS talking in complete sentences at that age. Yet, she's the one with a profound level of phonological impairment: we're the only ones that understand most of her speech! And I'm such a good mom--I didn't get her assessed until about 3.5. Oops!

You're doing fine. She's happy, she's growing and she's learning new things every day. :)

Oh, and thhe pukes. I used to nanny for a boy that did that. If he started to throw a fit, I made him stand in the bathroom next to an open toilet to have his tantrum. I also gave him the paper towels to clean it up when he did it. He stopped doing it in time. He's fine now. It'll pass. :)

Hang in there. :)

[JTsMom]

Listen here lady, you stop that right now! This is NOT something you did to your daughter!!!!!!!! Both you and your DD are going to get through this, and you're both going to have a million happy memories that are going to make these things seem like a teeny tiny part of your lives. Yes, it feels huge now- it won't always. Every kid has some "thing" that they go through. If it wasn't a speech delay, it would be something else. That's just the way it goes. It sucks, granted.

You are SO much more on top of this than the majority of parents are, you should be really proud of yourself, and I truly mean that. I wish I would have gotten DS speech therapy before his second b-day! Do you know how many moms would have blindy taken the peds advice, and never thought twice about it? LOTS of them! Not you- you're listening to your gut, and you're doing the work to fix the issue, whatever it is. And it could very well be just a phase! Lots of kids go through a gagging/puking phase.

You are doing a great job! You are a wonderful mother! Of course your beautiful little girl is getting heaps of love and attention- I'd bet money that anyone who reads your posts here knows that, and wouldn't doubt it for a second.

Pretty soon stuff is going to start clicking into place. Your DD will start yakking your ear off, and you'll be posting about how you can't get a moment of silence. When she and the little boy you mentioned are 5, it's not going to matter one iota that he was further ahead at 2.

Now go grab that twisty straw! :grouphug:

[Gena]

It sounds like you're a great mom. It's just really hard when you have a child who does not follow the typical developmental path. It sounds like you are doing the right things to find answers and help your child.

A speech delay and gagging/vomiting might mean an oral-motor issues. Some kids need to really work to figure out how to make all those muscles in the lips, tongue, and throat work together. Your OT and/or SLP should be able to help you figure out if this is a factor. My son has had a lot of oral-motor problems (among other issues) so I understand how frustrating these can be. He was very speech delayed, had a hard time transitioning from baby food to table food, stuffs his mouth, gags, and needed a lot of work to learn how to suck through a straw.

Yeah, it can be really hard when you see a child who is your kid's age (or younger) easily doing things that your child can't. My niece is 6 months younger than DS and it has been really hard watching her development compared to his. But it's important to remember that each child is an individual and that everybody has talents and everybody has things they struggle with. I'm sure your daughter has many wonderful qualities.

[jal]

Others have given you advise on the puke, so I'll try to work on the speach thing for you.

First of all, STOP killing yourself trying to compare your child to other children, especially when you only pay attention to the negatives. I still remember my oldest sister who had a son about the same time as my other sister. My oldest was worried because her son didn't speak much, while his cousin was talking and even learning to read by age 4. But what she wasn't paying attention to was the fact the the sister's daugher couldn't walk and chew gum at the same time, while her 4yo could work daddy's jack and jack up his wagon to "fix" is just like daddy could jack up a car.

As another example, I used to worry my mom because she said I never spoke until after I was 3yo. Now I'll admit that today I'm not perfect, and language and spelling have always been by weakest subjects. But I did well enough that I was in the Honor Society, graduated in the top 5% of my high-school class, got an honors scholarship to collage, graduated cum laude with an engineering degree, and earned a Master's Degree in Engineering as well. All this, and I wasn't speaking as well at age three as your 2yo is.

The other thing, if you are not already doing so, read to your child every night as a part of your night time routine. With infants, you start with those board books where there are only a few words on each page (i.g. "Good Night Moon"). As there attention span gets longer, you get bigger books. At age 2, your child should be able to sit through you reading the "Golden Books".

I must say that the thing I regret about having three children is that we just have not been able to read to them the way we were able to read to our oldest child. As an example, when oldest son was 4yo, I was reading him from the books "A Series of Unfortunate Events". We averaged a chapter a night, and that was AFTER we read a nightly Bible study that required 10 to 20 minutes of reading each night.

Today, he is 6yo, in kindergarden, and the teacher is having to check out 2nd grade level books for him to read (he's already supassed all the other books in her class).

[gatorsmom]

You are doing FINE!!! I've had 3 kids that tried gagging themselves. They did it repeatedly in their high chair. They have all (so far) turned out normal. And they got over the gagging thing. Don't let your DD sit in her own puke. stupid doctor. Pull her hand out of her mouth, clean her up and try to distract her. it's probably just a phase. SERIOUSLY.

Regarding speech, Gator didn't say MaMa at your daughter's age. He only said, "all done." THAT'S IT. Man, I was a paranoid mess. But, I got him into EI and the kid's a talking machine now. Be careful what you wish fore. :D

The first child is the hardest in some ways. We expect and want them to be perfect. We compare them to little Susie and Johnny and when they aren't the same, we worry like crazy. All you need are a couple more kids to realize EVERY kid has their own quirks, nobody is perfect or will ever be perfect, and to relax and just do your best. If something is going to screw her up, it'll probably be in high school anyway. :hysterical:

You absolutely have the right to vent, though, I was just trying to be comforting.

[lisams]

How come other people's children are normal and why isn't mine?!?!

My "normal" child is about 27 months and just started putting two words together. My "not so normal" child who I stress a lot about was talking 3-4 word sentences when she turned one. I worry so much more about her, especially now.

I'm sorry you're feeling like you did something wrong. You are an awesome mom. Try not to let others get to you. Keep your chin up!

[elektra]

It's great that you are taking her care so seriously. I am such a worrier too and I love the BBB but sometimes I think it skews my version of what is "normal" for all kinds of things. I mean I can post here about all the nuances of timeouts, where they should be, how long, what age to start, positive reinforcement vs. punitive, implementing 1-2-3 Magic, etc. but I think IRL, the majority of people do not fret over these details as I do!
I'm not saying these are not important details or should not be thought through. But I think most of us here, regardless of our differing opinions on certain issues, REALLY care about our kids and put in more effort than alot of people in an effort to raise them in the best way possible.
So I guess my point is, even though your DD has some catching up to do with her speech and it is a legitimate concern, you are already being more than awesome in getting her the help she needs and she will probably turn out just fine, in part because of your ability to recognize she needs a little help.
And just for some BTDT commisseration, my DD did the gagging thing in the highchair too, and it was to get attention. She caught on quickly that once I heard that gagging noise, my complete attention was turned to her, by instinct. Luckily for me it only lasted a few weeks and then she stopped with only a few full-blown barfs. (I have no idea if my responses of telling her no and pulling her hands out of her moutch were what got her to stop though.)
And my DD is on the low end of average for talking by my own assesment. She was not putting two words together until maybe 2 months ago but then once she started repeating us more and getting more words together, it seems to have snowballed and she is talking more every day. It still is a little bothersome to see my one neice speak in full sentences (even though she is 4 months older). I am always thinking, " is this where DN was 4 months ago?" when analyzing DD's milestones. And then there is my other neice who I can barely understand at 2 1/2. If I were her mom I would have her in speech eval, but here is where I think my own perception of what is "normal" may be skewed a bit. Her parents don't seem worried at all and I think they are very good parents. So to me, it sounds like you are doing just fine!

[MontrealMum]

You've gotten some great advice and reassurance from people with a lot more parenting experience than I, but I just wanted to say (((Hugs))) and poo on a doc that thinks letting your DD run around in her own puke is a good idea :( You're a great mama...and your DD is lucky to have you :) :grouphug:

[ha98ed14]

Thanks for all the support. You guys are the best. I was losing my mind yesterday afternoon. I think I took all my anxiety about all the other stuff going on (my dad, house, pay cut, etc.) and poured it into these issues with DD and needing therapy. I was just there Wednesday. I recognized my tendancy to fixate on one issue to the point that my reaction is really too big to be about that issue. I see that now. Because DD DOES do many things in the normal range. She walks, throws a ball, is social, gives hugs, knows who we are, can "color," etc. I know there are some parents who agonize over their kids' lack of these skills. I have a lot to be grateful for what DD does right!

I have to admit that I had a bad mommy moment after I posted. DD was doing the gag herself thing again after drinking milk. This time I was standing right by her in the kitchen cleaning. I slapped her hand away from her mouth. I don't remember if I said "No, don't do that!" before of after I slapped her hand. I felt horrible. I have only smacked her hand one other time about a year ago. I felt bad then too. I normally do just time outs. The problem is, if I put her in time out (we do it in her crib for 1-2 mins), she can gag herself there and then I have to clean up the sheets, carpet, etc. It was surreal tho, because you know, she went to stick her hand in her mouth again, but then thought better of it. Not because I threatened her, but I think the shock of the hand slap registered. That makes me feel really weird. I don't want to use hitting as a discipline. But in this case is seemed to register with her, at least for the moment. I wonder if it will last. I kind of doubt it. At least, from what I have read, spanking does not produce long term results. I dunno. It was weird to see it "work," though. I see how this is a slippery slope. I did it because I was at my wits end. Which is never the right place to do anything related to your kids and parenting choices. Anyway. Ifd you made it through this second novella post, thanks. I appreciate you guys, the stories of all your experiences and support.

[niccig]

Thanks for all the support. You guys are the best. I was losing my mind yesterday afternoon. I think I took all my anxiety about all the other stuff going on (my dad, house, pay cut, etc.) and poured it into these issues with DD and needing therapy. I was just there Wednesday. I recognized my tendancy to fixate on one issue to the point that my reaction is really too big to be about that issue. I see that now. Because DD DOES do many things in the normal range. She walks, throws a ball, is social, gives hugs, knows who we are, can "color," etc. I know there are some parents who agonize over their kids' lack of these skills. I have a lot to be grateful for what DD does right!

I have to admit that I had a bad mommy moment after I posted. DD was doing the gag herself thing again after drinking milk. This time I was standing right by her in the kitchen cleaning. I slapped her hand away from her mouth. I don't remember if I said "No, don't do that!" before of after I slapped her hand. I felt horrible. I have only smacked her hand one other time about a year ago. I felt bad then too. I normally do just time outs. The problem is, if I put her in time out (we do it in her crib for 1-2 mins), she can gag herself there and then I have to clean up the sheets, carpet, etc. It was surreal tho, because you know, she went to stick her hand in her mouth again, but then thought better of it. Not because I threatened her, but I think the shock of the hand slap registered. That makes me feel really weird. I don't want to use hitting as a discipline. But in this case is seemed to register with her, at least for the moment. I wonder if it will last. I kind of doubt it. At least, from what I have read, spanking does not produce long term results. I dunno. It was weird to see it "work," though. I see how this is a slippery slope. I did it because I was at my wits end. Which is never the right place to do anything related to your kids and parenting choices. Anyway. Ifd you made it through this second novella post, thanks. I appreciate you guys, the stories of all your experiences and support.

You're a great mother. You recognized that her speech was delayed and you got her help. Her speech will catch up. It's so easy to compare our kids to others. But it doesn't help. Some kids are advanced in one skill, some in another skill. When we're worrying on one thing we need to remind ourselves of all the other things our DC do well at. It's all a continuum. I was at playgroup and we were talking about reading, and one mum is a early childhood teacher and reminded everyone that some kids read early, some read later, but by grade 3 it all kind of evens out - basically don't compare your child and don't get stressed out.

As for the slap. I've done that. I have spanked DS a couple of times in 4 years. And like you, I felt awful and it was always because I was at my wits end. I don't feel it works for us. So, it's something I'm working on and I'm getting more tools in my parenting tool box, so I don't resort to spanking. You can use this a moment for yourself. You don't want to hit her hand, so what else can you do when she is gagging herself? I think you're also right to follow up with the OT on the gaging, in case it isn't just a phase...
:hug: because you're going through a lot and need some...

[maestramommy]

Okay, take a deeeeeep breath in. Let slooooooowly let it out! :p Here's what happened with us.

Dora was dx'd with a 50% speech delay at 18 months. She started speech therapy twice a week in June of 07. By her second birthday, she didn't say one intelligible word. Instead of mama and dada she said mamamama and dadadadada. She also said "da!" for EVERYTHING. She had a lot of signs, and understood EVERYTHING we said to her, but that's it. I think it was 2 months after her birthday, that she said her first word, "apple." Apparently the nursery caregiver at church had been taking a childhood development class or something and had been working with her. This young lady had been there less than a month and she taught Dora to say "apple."

Well, finally the words started to slowly come, but they were all single words. No combos. By January 08 she'd passed the 50 word mark, but it wasn't until she was about 2.5 that she started with the 2 word combos. By the time we left CA it had been 1 year since we started the speech therapy. If we had stayed she probably would've qualified for services through the summer, and that's it. Our SLP suggested we get her tested by the school district wherever we ended up to see if she would qualify for their special preschool. She didn't. In fact, she tested right at age level.

Of course that wasn't the end of it for me. She still always seemed behind her peers. She started in a 2yo preschool class in January of this year. Her classmates were anywhere from 2-6 months younger, yet they all had better speech. So when the district preschool started their annual neighborhood screen I signed her up. By this time I was actually have some concerns about ASD because some of her speech was a little funky.

She tested 99% for motor skills, 92% for comprehension, and 52% for language and speech. According to the school director the range for normal is 25% to 75% so Dora is smack dab average. These percentiles are based on national averages, just like any other standardized tests. It may seem to me that she is behind other kids, but that is because I am comparing her to other kids in a similar demographic. Our town is considered affluent, with highly educated parents and a lot of professionals. Their kids will probably place in the the top 90th percentile for most of these types of tests. She came out totally negative for ASD as well. Which means I can stop worrying :p

Oh and the gagging thing? I think I did post about that once on your thread. Dora went through a self-gagging stage that lasted almost a year. It would happen whenever she didn't get what she wanted and would start to throw a tantrum. It would always start with sticking her hand down her throat. I don't know what possessed her to start or stop, but she did eventually stop. Probably started to feel like it wasn't worth the discomfort, and anyway her tantrums have really amped up in intensity. My guess is she saves her energy for that instead:p

I was very fortunate throughout this whole journey of Dora's speech to work with people who were very reassuring about how this wasn't anything I did or didn't do, that some kids just need a little help learning to talk. In Dora's case that turned out to be true. She had issues with motor planning. Now Arwyn has been dx'd with speech delay and will be begin speech therapy soon. Now she is a TALKER, so the fact that she's still behind probably means the same thing. She just needs a little help.

ETA: Oh, and I agree with jal on the reading thing. Although I'm a fine one to talk because I can already see that we don't read half as much to Arwyn as we did to Dora. Who knows what will happen to #3? However, part of it is that Dora is just a voracious reader, and Arwyn likes to do other things besides read. We can only respond to their interests at this age.