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View Full Version : Help! DC screaming for one parent v. the other; WDYD?



ha98ed14
04-12-2009, 11:33 PM
I swear half my life story in on these boards...

Tonight was the knock-down-drag-out version of what was before a mildly amusing/ somewhat annoying behavior. After tonight, we must take a stand. But I am not sure what that stand should be... But we can't let her keep getting her own way with which one of us she wants at any given moment.

For the past week, she has preferred DH, I think, because he is the novelty home all week on spring break. When he is working FT, she prefers me. She has now started full out screaming for the other parent when the parent she does not want approaches. Really, her screams are oscar worthy. We are both equally gentle and firm when necessary. For the screaming at the reject-parent, we put her in time out in her crib. She just screamed to get out. I am not so convinced she gets why she was there.

She is an only, so there is no concept of sharing or wait your turn. We pretty much come when she needs us. She likes to be in the middle. She even sometimes gets upset when DH and I hug if she is not in the middle of it. Not always, but if she is sitting with one of us and the other one comes to cuddle, she will sometimes push the other parent away.

I do not want to raise her to think that her every whim will be honored. We respect her choices/ wants. We don't force affection. I am very big in this. You can say sorry without giving a kiss/ hug. I think kids need to have their own physical and emotional boundaries respected. Even the irrational ones they have at 2. But at the same time, DD does not get a say in who wipes her hands and face after she is done eating. This is what she was screaming at me about tonight. She wanted DH. And then the diaper change was the same thing. This I will not indulge. We just can't. It isn't practical.

How do parents handle the temper tantrum and sometimes aggressive displays (amusing as they may be) when DC want one parent over another?

sarahsthreads
04-13-2009, 08:24 AM
DD1 went through a phase like that. We didn't give in to screaming, but we did tell her she could try again and ask nicely, and if she did and it was *possible* (i.e. the other parent was not busy with another chore) we would switch.

We had a period of time where every time DH would try to buckle DD into her carseat she'd scream for me and we'd have to shut the car door and stand outside until she calmed down enough. And then DH would buckle her in. Once she started *asking* instead of screaming we would try to honor her wishes. Does that make sense?

(Note that we didn't/couldn't switch every time she asked nicely, which also resulted in tantrums and tears! She's still learning to gracefully accept disappointment, but it's a lot better now!)

Sarah :)

DrSally
04-13-2009, 09:00 AM
DS is usually screaming for me, but I take care of him 24/7 all week long, so on the weekend, it's nice if DH can go and get him up and on the potty so I can sleep a few more min. DH is very exasperated by this behavior and sometimes just gives up and tells me to do it. This is annoying to me.

If I'm dressing DS and he doesn't want me to and is crying for DH, I just leave him undressed and say "Daddy's busy right now, if you want to get dressed I will help you", and then let him go naked until he comes to me. He doesn't like to have his clothes off, so then he comes to me. I guess with the hand wiping thing, I might say "If you want to leave the table, I will wipe your hands".

egoldber
04-13-2009, 09:19 AM
Amy does this, but I'm no help really, because we usually do as she asks unless we can't for whatever reason (the requested person is busy). Sometimes it does come down to physically removing her and forcibly holding her down for something (getting dressed, changing a diaper, etc.). I guess I figure there are enough times where we have no choice (DH is away, working, I'm busy with older DD's homework, etc.) that we try to honor her request when we can.

We are working on the asking nicely and not screaming, but that is a longgggggg process......

jenny
04-13-2009, 09:49 AM
There was a time when DD wouldn't take the bottle from me b/c she wanted DH. I was having none of it. I made my husband leave the house and even tough she screamed bloody murder, I was determined to have her take the bottle from me. She eventually did.

Now she wants me sometimes and she wants my husband sometimes. It goes back and forth.

niccig
04-13-2009, 01:02 PM
DS mostly wants me. Despite saying how much he misses Daddy when he's at work, when DH is there, DS still wants me to do things. When he got upset like your DD, we would calmly tell him that Mummy/Daddy couldn't help right now and we would then wipe hands/change clothes etc. Of course if the other parent left the house, the remaining parent could do everything without protest.

Now at 4yo, DS still has his preferences. I always have to help with going potty, but on Saturday he was all about Daddy. He called for DH to help him, wanted DH to make pancakes, wanted DH to dress him etc. We let that happen because DH was away the weekend prior. On Sundday they rode their bikes at the park, and I didn't go to finish up Easter Dinner. When they came home, DS was very clingy and wanted Mummy. So, I suppose it depends on whether we go along with the preference or whether we don't. I wouldn't give in to the screaming though...hopefully it passes soon.

maestramommy
04-13-2009, 01:42 PM
Well, if you don't want to give in, but don't want to do the timeout (her pic looks like she's too young; is it old?), you can do what Dh did. Dora used to scream for me periodically during the bedtime routine, and sometimes both girls will scream for the parent who isn't giving them a bath, even though we're both RIGHT.THERE. We just ignore their screams and keep powering through. I really have to hand it to Dh when Dora was younger and the only. He just simply powered through it until she was done screaming. Then he had a drink before dinner :p

ETA: after reading Jenny's post, and I wanted to agree that it started with the bottle bootcamp. Both girls went through a period of not wanting the bottle (at all), so I left the apt while Dh gave it to them and put them to bed. It was much easier without me there. So we've gotten used to powering through without getting upset. It IS tiring though, and sometimes after we finally close the door on them, we're like, "whew!!"

ha98ed14
04-13-2009, 02:37 PM
Well, if you don't want to give in, but don't want to do the timeout (her pic looks like she's too young; is it old?), you can do what Dh did. Dora used to scream for me periodically during the bedtime routine, and sometimes both girls will scream for the parent who isn't giving them a bath, even though we're both RIGHT.THERE. We just ignore their screams and keep powering through. I really have to hand it to Dh when Dora was younger and the only. He just simply powered through it until she was done screaming. Then he had a drink before dinner :p

ETA: after reading Jenny's post, and I wanted to agree that it started with the bottle bootcamp. Both girls went through a period of not wanting the bottle (at all), so I left the apt while Dh gave it to them and put them to bed. It was much easier without me there. So we've gotten used to powering through without getting upset. It IS tiring though, and sometimes after we finally close the door on them, we're like, "whew!!"

Yes, it's an old pic. That was about 9 mos and now she is 22+ mos.

I may just have to try powering through, like you described. DH and I are perfectly happy to let her have her way most of the time because it usually involves which food, drink, book, toy, blanket, activity she wants. Fine. No problem. And we have no problem letting her be in the lap or arms she prefers at that moment.

What I do not want to tolerate the growling(? for lack of a better description) and crying and screaming that ensues when the un-parent-of-the-moment approaches to wipe hands/ change diaper/ change clothes. We have too many things to get done in a day to indulge this. She gets her way 98% if the time. I feel like this is a line I have to hold or my life will be ruled by my 2 y.o. Maybe it is all in my head, but I can see myself becoming resentful and bitter towards DD when she acts like this. Usually I just have empathy for her when she is having a difficult moment. Now I am starting to resent her when she acts like this. I want some in-the-line-of-fire parenting options: leave her in her high chair until she will tolerate being wiped? Put her in time out? BOTH parents leave the room she is in so she is by herself? This is a problem we have when both DH and I are present. When it is just one of us, it is not an issue. I want something that says, "We will not tolerate this behavior" without leaving causing her emotional trauma.

infomama
04-13-2009, 02:48 PM
I don't think you are going to be able to force her into happily allowing you do the task you need to do by any method (timeout/leaving her alone).
There were plenty of times when DD1 (when she was an only) wanted one over the other but it was easier for us (read--more peaceful) to say, "she wants you" or "I need help here" versus trying to force her. You can try talking to her in a calm soft voice when she acts up..maybe ask her what's wrong. Meet her yelling with calm and see what happens. It may just be a phase.
It's reassuring to hear that she is OK when she is with one parent.

maestramommy
04-13-2009, 03:06 PM
What I do not want to tolerate the growling(? for lack of a better description) and crying and screaming that ensues when the un-parent-of-the-moment approaches to wipe hands/ change diaper/ change clothes. We have too many things to get done in a day to indulge this. She gets her way 98% if the time. I feel like this is a line I have to hold or my life will be ruled by my 2 y.o. Maybe it is all in my head, but I can see myself becoming resentful and bitter towards DD when she acts like this. Usually I just have empathy for her when she is having a difficult moment. Now I am starting to resent her when she acts like this. I want some in-the-line-of-fire parenting options: leave her in her high chair until she will tolerate being wiped? Put her in time out? BOTH parents leave the room she is in so she is by herself? This is a problem we have when both DH and I are present. When it is just one of us, it is not an issue. I want something that says, "We will not tolerate this behavior" without leaving causing her emotional trauma.

Well, you're the one that knows your child best. So if you think that powering through and either forcing her to let the un-parent do things or leaving her alone in a room will work and not cause her undue trauma, you should go ahead. I totally hear you on not being ruled by a 2yo. It's one of the reasons we (mostly dh) power through. Case in point. Yesterday, Dora wore her Easter dress. But 2 minutes before we leave for church she suddenly wants to wear something else. Um, no, it's time to go. Then she wants to wear her sneakers and not her church shoes. Now normally on Sundays we've given in on the shoe bit, but this time we knew she was just pissy because of the dress thing. If I were alone I wouldn't physically be able to wrestle her into her shoes and into the car, but Dh was there so he did it. She screamed all the way to church, and then didn't want to get out of the car. I had to go because I had a rehearsal so I took Arwyn first to the nursery. Dh stayed in the car until Dora calmed down, and said she wanted to go to nursery now. When he brought her in she was all red nosed and still sniffling but fine. She looked totally fine and happy at pick up too. And she was fine for the rest of the day.

I share this is just one example of sometimes how Dh and I have to force our kids to do something they don't want to do. Now I realize it's just shoes, and for many parents it's not a battle they would pick. And sometimes I wouldn't either. For whatever reason Dh saw it differently this time, and I let him handle it. Because we both know Dora well enough to know she won't be scarred by being forced to wear the proper shoes and having to quiet down and behave properly before we take her somewhere she didn't want to go to in the first place. We have gone on this principle since we was a baby and so far she hasn't proved us wrong. If we had a different kind of child we might have to take a different tactic. But we don't, so we simply do what we think we "ought" to do.

In your situation I can see how easy it is to become resentful because you are almost always "giving in." The way I see it is, if giving isn't a problem (like setting you up for more problems in the future, or setting bad precedent in some way) or very inconvenient, then give in. If however there is a problem with it, then don't. And if she screams, growls, whatever, you don't need to take it personally. She's less than 2, she can't help how she feels about not getting her way. She's just letting you know how she feels. By responding calmly (no matter how much you're roiling inside :p) you're telling her how she feels isn't going to change things. You can empathize of course. In times like this we always go through the "I know you really wanted X" while they're ranting, and we're sorry they don't like it, but that's just the way it is. Frequently we find after a huge tantrum moment, Dora is able to move on and remember herself for the future what our limits are. As she's gotten older she's surprised us by internalizing these little lessons more and more.

Of course, this is just one person's way of handling it! You have to be comfortable with whatever you choose to do.

o_mom
04-13-2009, 03:14 PM
Yes, it's an old pic. That was about 9 mos and now she is 22+ mos.

I may just have to try powering through, like you described. DH and I are perfectly happy to let her have her way most of the time because it usually involves which food, drink, book, toy, blanket, activity she wants. Fine. No problem. And we have no problem letting her be in the lap or arms she prefers at that moment.

What I do not want to tolerate the growling(? for lack of a better description) and crying and screaming that ensues when the un-parent-of-the-moment approaches to wipe hands/ change diaper/ change clothes. We have too many things to get done in a day to indulge this. She gets her way 98% if the time. I feel like this is a line I have to hold or my life will be ruled by my 2 y.o. Maybe it is all in my head, but I can see myself becoming resentful and bitter towards DD when she acts like this. Usually I just have empathy for her when she is having a difficult moment. Now I am starting to resent her when she acts like this. I want some in-the-line-of-fire parenting options: leave her in her high chair until she will tolerate being wiped? Put her in time out? BOTH parents leave the room she is in so she is by herself? This is a problem we have when both DH and I are present. When it is just one of us, it is not an issue. I want something that says, "We will not tolerate this behavior" without leaving causing her emotional trauma.

I don't think that you need to cater to every whim - obviously that's just not possible or healthy. However, not punishing is not the same as indulging or spoiling her. In that situation, I would try some of the things mentioned. I think giving her the option of waiting or just powering through gently with the diaper change/wiping are alternatives.

The attitude, IME, just takes time to them to learn more acceptable ways of asking for what they want and accepting 'no' sometimes. She is sad/mad/upset and needs to be taught how to deal with her emotion and an acceptable way to express it. IOW - the problem should not be that she is upset, but how she is expressing it.

At that age, talking about it, acknowledging her feelings and showing her that she will be OK after not getting what she wants are about all you can do. If it is just crying and screaming, then you just model better ways to say it. Reflecting the feelings back can be very effective, just be careful not to negate them with a 'but'. It is also important to help her practice alternatives when she is not upset.

egoldber
04-13-2009, 03:20 PM
I don't think you are going to be able to force her into happily allowing you do the task you need to do by any method (timeout/leaving her alone).

Exactly. She is upset and she is allowed to be upset. I think you just need to be careful not to (as Beth, brittone2, so wisely says) ride the train of her emotions. DH and I actually find the strength of Amy's tantrums somewhat amusing. The only time I don't find it amusing is when I am stressed myself, and then I realize it's more about me and how I am feeling at the time than it is about her.

You guys are under a HUGE amount of stress right now and that's no doubt coloring how you are feeling about this. It's probably also what may be driving some of her emotions right now too. She probably senses your stress. I know that Amy totally feels it when I am under strain and it just makes her worse than normal.

niccig
04-13-2009, 03:25 PM
I power through it with DS. I talk to him calmly and explain why what he wants can not happen. In your situation, she wants DH to wipe her hands..I would say "I know you're upset and want Daddy. He's busy doing xyz. Mummy will wipe your hands and then you can go do abc and maybe Daddy can wipe your hands next time".

In time they understand more about why they can't get what they want. We had lunch with DH the other day and there wasn't time to go up to DH's office, which DS loves to do. Normally, this would end up in tears. We explained why, that we had an appointment that we had to go to and that we had to be on time as the hair dresser was waiting for DS, and that this week we'll visit Daddy again. I was surprised at how calmly DS took it. So, there is hope, you just have to get through this stage where she can't express her emotions very well.

niccig
04-13-2009, 03:30 PM
Exactly. She is upset and she is allowed to be upset. I think you just need to be careful not to (as Beth, brittone2, so wisely says) ride the train of her emotions. DH and I actually find the strength of Amy's tantrums somewhat amusing. The only time I don't find it amusing is when I am stressed myself, and then I realize it's more about me and how I am feeling at the time than it is about her.

You guys are under a HUGE amount of stress right now and that's no doubt coloring how you are feeling about this. It's probably also what may be driving some of her emotions right now too. She probably senses your stress. I know that Amy totally feels it when I am under strain and it just makes her worse than normal.

I agree with not getting on the train of their emotions, or I call it a roller coaster. I've found that the more DS gets upset, the more I stay calm, the easier the situation is to resolve. Now, I'm not saying I succeed all the time, but I am getting better. And part of that is if I'm not stressed...easier said than done when there is a lot going on. So :hug5:to you and you will get through these tough times.