New SAHM....I fear I'm not good at this. :(

[tmarie]

So, today is DAY THREE. I just poured a large glass of wine (btw, I never drink on weekdays!) and dh has relieved me of my duties, giving our almost 4yo her bath.

I LOVE my girls. I was looking forward to taking a break from my PT work schedule (although dd#1 has been attending preschool 5 days/week since I was on preg. bedrest last year). But after less than three days at this, I feel like a terrible mother with an out of control child!

Background on my Dd#1: is a very animated and affectionate child, loves school, loves to learn, high energy, always praised for being 'the best behaved' child in the class.

How Dd#1 has behaved for me this week: DOES NOT LISTEN! Ran in the middle of a busy parking lot today, disobeyed or made choices she knows are against our rules on an almost 10 minute basis, somehow got red crayon all over ivory rocker--crayons are supposed to stay in playroom; constantly being rougher than she should around 9mo little sister (this is pretty normal but it drives me crazy b/c we show her how to behave appropriately and gently enough all the time). The list goes on.....I know some of these things seem minor. I try to let stuff that isn't DANGEROUS slide. But her overall attitude was to say she heard me and understood, then within 10 minutes do what she is not supposed to do. Then she apologizes profusely and thinks it should be forgotten. I can't tell you how many time outs we're doing on the steps and it isn't doing a darn bit of good. We do time outs on weekends and they seem to be more effective. Today she was rolling her eyes and saying, "okay mommy, how loooooong?" when I told her she was in time out. We do the 'can you tell me why you are in time out', sorry, i love you thing for each incident.

I suspect that she is bored and testing me? But aside from making sure that we have at least one planned outing each day in between the baby's nap times and having options at home (workbooks, story time, coloring, toys, puzzles)....what am I doing wrong??

I fear I am not going to be good at this. :(

tmarie
dd#1 5/05
dd#2 6/08

[Momof3Labs]

I bet that she's just testing you. Her world has changed dramatically (for the better, we know) in the past few days and she wants to see if the limits have changed dramatically, too. Stick to your guns and I bet that she'll come around pretty quickly. And of course, you need to experiment to find what works for her day in and day out (e.g. perhaps she needs something very physical, like running or climbing, daily to burn off energy - moreso than an outing involving, say, errands).

[ThreeofUs]

You're going to be fine - we've all been through it! It just takes some adjusting. Enjoy your wine and take it minute by minute if you have to.

Have you read 1-2-3 Magic? It really works well for us, and our very high energy H.

[Melaine]

But after less than three days at this, I feel like a terrible mother with an out of control child!
I fear I am not going to be good at this. :(



I feel the exact same way SO often, but I just remind myself that I love these children more than anyone and I'm going to be the one driven into madness by their limit-testing, temper tantrums and constant neediness, no one else.

It's a hard job, but someone's got to do it.

Sorry that I have no advice (I'm sure others are more helpful) but just wanted to say I am relatively sure your experience so far as SAHM is pretty standard. You can do it! (I must remember to tell myself that tomorrow morning before the coffee is brewed as well):cheerleader1:

[emily_gracesmama]

I feel that pain, man. My almost 4yo is hugely testing her limits and why my natural instinct is to get upset, I have been working very hard at talking to her and putting consequences in place for the unwanted behavior and then sticking to them. Timeouts in addition, to but no chocolate, and man does she loves her Easter treats, and taking away her fave dvd's for one day and threatening to remove her fingernail polish have worked wonders. It's the sticking to the taking it away that has worked, we have talked about it the next day, why you aren't getting chocolate today or why you can't watch sleeping beauty, that seems to be making the difference for her.

[MistieandMichael]

4 is an awesome age isn't it?! It's probably due to a huge change in her every day routine...as it is for you too. So, just try to think that even when you are ready to pull your hair out...she is probably something close to that also. :) People always talk about terrible 2's...well I would have to say 4 is worse. They test you on almost a daily basis and they have the vocabulary now to lip back and press those buttons. Keep with the time outs...they really do work. Ignore her back talk to a degree. At times, I might tell her that the way she's mocking you just cost her another minute or so in time out. She is just trying to get a reaction out of you, so you don't want to react to it every time...but she also has to not that it's not nice to act that way...kwim?

The fact that you are questioning yourself and trying to get advise means you are an awesome mommy and will be an awesome sahm! And if you need a cocktail or glass of wine every now and then on a week night...so be it! You deserve it! :wink2:

[ha98ed14]

No BTDT, but if your DD was at school 5 days a week and now she is home with you 5 days a week, think about how much stimulation she is missing? It's like she was going 60 mph and suddenly somebody slammed on the breaks! To be honest, I think it is unfair of you to pull DD out of school all together. I understand if you aren't working that having her go 5 days a week is an expense you don't need, but what about 3 days a week or 5 monrings a week? Something so she has some vestage of her life before you became a SAHM. She probably feels like she has no control over her situation and that contributes to her acting out. You said she is high energy and very social, so let her have that outlet. JMO.

[ellies mom]

Four was the age when I realized why so many mothers in the 50's were taking tranquilizers and drinking during the afternoon.

Being a SAHM is exhausting and hard. I'm willing to bet that deep down almost all of us think we suck at it. I know I do and so do most of my friends. I really just aim for adequate most of the time with glimmers of "good mom".

If you don't want to put her back in preschool, are there dance, art or sport activities that you could sign her up for? Is there a drop in indoor playpark or maybe a coop playpark in the area? I know it can be really hard to work out all their big muscle activities and social needs on your own. Is there a 2-3 day a week preschool in your area (although it is late in the year to start a new one). Some of the church based ones are very affordable. I put my oldest in a 2 day a week program during the quarter between finishing my pre-reqs and starting nursing school. She really enjoyed it and I used that time to relax and get a cup of coffee (the baby usually napped during most of her school hours).

Anyhow, everything you talked about is perfectly normal. Not that it still isn't hard but hopefully knowing that it isn't "you" should help. Enjoy your wine.

[s7714]

No BTDT, but if your DD was at school 5 days a week and now she is home with you 5 days a week, think about how much stimulation she is missing? It's like she was going 60 mph and suddenly somebody slammed on the breaks! To be honest, I think it is unfair of you to pull DD out of school all together. I understand if you aren't working that having her go 5 days a week is an expense you don't need, but what about 3 days a week or 5 mornings a week? Something so she has some vestige of her life before you became a SAHM. She probably feels like she has no control over her situation and that contributes to her acting out. You said she is high energy and very social, so let her have that outlet. JMO.

ITA. Even my newly 6 year old has a really hard time when she has more than a weekend length of time off from school (like this week as it's her spring break). She's practically climbing the walls because she just doesn't know what to do with herself. And she's also acting out because at home she doesn't have that high energy social interaction with peers her age like she does at school. She has her younger sister to play with, but that's a totally different type of play and relationship.

Either way, things will get better after everyone adjusts to the new lifestyle! Don't give up yet! ;)

[AngelaS]

I think she's just testing you. Her routine has changed and she's just making sure the rules haven't. Stay consistent and it'll get better. :)

I really doubt she's lacking stimulation. Enlist her help around the house--tell her you need her help, ask her questions and involve her in what you're doing. :) It's also okay to give her a 'quiet time' in the afternoon when baby's napping so you can have a break. :)

[DietCokeLover]

I agree with other posters.... not only has your world changed from staying at home, but so has hers. You both need some adjusting time, and 4 yos just don't adjust like we do. Hang in there. I think you will see that things start to normalize. Try to give yourself and her some grace.
You're gonna make it mom!

[tmarie]

To be honest, I think it is unfair of you to pull DD out of school all together.

WOW. I don't even know how to respond. We were sending her to the most expensive preschool in our state. My husband's job is in jeopardy due to the economy and we are trying to save as much money as possible in case the worst happens. We are hoping to send her again PT in the fall, but financially we think its more important to keep a ROOF over her head than to send her to preschool. I have signed her up for gymnastics, swim lessons and we have scheduled play dates at least twice a week. I am looking into more activities we can get involved in as well.

tmarie
dd#1 5/05
dd#2 6/08

[Melaine]

I think she's just testing you. Her routine has changed and she's just making sure the rules haven't. Stay consistent and it'll get better. :)

I really doubt she's lacking stimulation. Enlist her help around the house--tell her you need her help, ask her questions and involve her in what you're doing. :) It's also okay to give her a 'quiet time' in the afternoon when baby's napping so you can have a break. :)

:yeahthat:

I don't think you should be concerned that she is not getting stimulated, and certainly should NOT feel guilty for staying home with her and pulling her out of school. Like others said, she is adjusting to the new situation, testing boundaries and maybe testing you. Maybe she wonders if you will go back to work if she drives you crazy! Kids need to know that no matter what they do, we are in charge and will take care of them and instruct them no matter the offense. She might be feeling a little insecure with the changes, but stand your ground and stick with your decision, she will settle down.
It sounds like you have set up some great activities for her, please don't let anyone make you feel guilty for the decision you have made.

[hillview]

Your DD is about a month older than my DS and he is the SAME way (and hasn't had any significant shifts in schedule etc). It is HARD. I find that the highs are HIGH and the lows SUCK. It is trying. I think getting enough sleep (for me) is key to my patience. Reading up on some new options for dealing with things (dealing with disappointment was a great book as is Ames Your 3-year old etc series is great). Getting out / exercise is great. Being around other kids/moms helps me a lot.

GOOD LUCK and hugs.
/hillary

[ha98ed14]

WOW. I don't even know how to respond. We were sending her to the most expensive preschool in our state. My husband's job is in jeopardy due to the economy and we are trying to save as much money as possible in case the worst happens. We are hoping to send her again PT in the fall, but financially we think its more important to keep a ROOF over her head than to send her to preschool. I have signed her up for gymnastics, swim lessons and we have scheduled play dates at least twice a week. I am looking into more activities we can get involved in as well.

tmarie
dd#1 5/05
dd#2 6/08

Sorry. Really. I didn't mean that statement to be offensive. These are really tough times. You do what you gotta do to keep a roof over her head and food in her tummy. I really didn't mean to offend you. Trust me, I know about paycuts and layoffs. They have been a topic of conversation between DH and me too.

I was just trying to picture it from your DD's perspective. She has no control over her situation, whether it is caused by the economy or her parents' choice, so in that way, it is unfair to her. But since when is life fair, right? From following your previous post, I thought you decided you wanted to be a SAHM because in one you seemed excited that it was your DD's last days at school until she was home with you. I don't know the whole story. I just caught the part where you were excited to have DD home. I was just trying to see it from her perspective that she liked school and not she does not have that option, for whatever reason.

Anyway, I really am sorry I offended you.

[mamicka]

I think she's just testing you. Her routine has changed and she's just making sure the rules haven't. Stay consistent and it'll get better. :)

I really doubt she's lacking stimulation. Enlist her help around the house--tell her you need her help, ask her questions and involve her in what you're doing. :) It's also okay to give her a 'quiet time' in the afternoon when baby's napping so you can have a break. :)

:yeahthat: It isn't necessarily less stimulation being at home vs at school - its different & you are both adjusting - give it time. At some point I think we've all been there & we'll all be there again. You sound like a great mom.

& I agree with the PP who said it was unfair from your DD's perspective to be taken out of school... if you mean unfair like having to take a bath when you don't want to or not being allowed to eat sand from the sandbox or not eating candy all day. Yup, those are all "unfair" too - but what's the point in dwelling on that?

[egoldber]

I bet that she's just testing you. Her world has changed dramatically (for the better, we know) in the past few days and she wants to see if the limits have changed dramatically, too. Stick to your guns and I bet that she'll come around pretty quickly. And of course, you need to experiment to find what works for her day in and day out (e.g. perhaps she needs something very physical, like running or climbing, daily to burn off energy - moreso than an outing involving, say, errands).

:yeahthat:

In terms of stimulation, I send Amy to preschool 5 days a week to help me job hunt, but we are going to have to end that soon. With no job for me yet in sight, it's an expense we simply cannot afford. But I worry because she is one of those high energy kids who craves and really does need to some degree a great deal of stimulation. I do think that finding outlets for that energy are really important, but it's hard when you are trying to find your stride in a new SAH role.

Things will settle down and will work themselves out. In the meantime, I would try to make things simpler. Crayons stay locked up unless supervised, baby goes in Pack N Play when you cannot watch 100%, etc. Just removing opportunities for misbehavior may help a lot.

[ha98ed14]

:

& I agree with the PP who said it was unfair from your DD's perspective to be taken out of school... if you mean unfair like having to take a bath when you don't want to or not being allowed to eat sand from the sandbox or not eating candy all day. Yup, those are all "unfair" too - but what's the point in dwelling on that?

Dunno if you read my response to her, but you will see that this is indeed how I was defining unfair: from the DD's perspective. The point in dwelling upon it would be to see if there was a way to continue to give the DC those experiences. In her response to me, OP stated that she has signed up her DD for some classes and play dates, so the DD will get her needs met, just in ways other than school. But her mom did dwell on it from the DD's perspective because she signed her up for these things, so it is worth dwelling upon. Not trying to be confrontational, just saying she did deem it worth dwelling upon.