Got an accidental nasty email about me... confront or not?

[american_mama]

We have been having a lot of confusion and spotty communication with DD's teacher about homework. I thought we got it all worked out until there started to be confusion about a book club that DD is in. In the course of emails between the classroom teacher, book club teacher and myself, I was inadvertently forwarded a rather critical email of me, and I am not sure what to do about it.

The book club is only a once-weekly supplement and is not taught by DD's classroom teacher. The book club teacher is relatively new and she splits her time between schools, which has led to poor communication.

This lack of communication caused DD to be unfairly left out of the book club one day, so I write a note to the classroom teacher asking for clarification and then, when that note was apparently overlooked for 2 days, I emailed her. I contacted her because I did not know to what extent the classroom teacher was involved in the book club homework. I specifically said I was happy to write directly to the book club teacher if that was more appropriate.

The classroom teacher emailed me back, said it wasn't her class and she didn't know, but then proceeded to say what she thought the deal was. And she said she would email the book club teacher. Note how she chose to insert herself instead of bowing out. And here is where the plot thickens.

Apparently when she emailed the book club teacher, she included a somewhat nasty note saying "I warn you, this is a high maintenance mother" and expressing irritation at her repeated conversations with me about homework and my supposed expectation that she "dig through DD's folder all the time." I know this because the book club teacher made some mistake in sending me a reply, and in trying to rectify it, inadvertently forwarded me the classroom teacher's nasty note.

So, what to do. I am quite stung by the classroom teacher's comments, which I think are unfounded and make me disinclined to ever ask her any other question. As for rooting around in the folder, indeed, the "put everything in the folder in any order" approach has always seemed to ME to be a ton of work for the teachers, but they have actively encouraged this method since August with no indication that there was a problem or a desire for something different.

DH is steamed - and, BTW, DH has probably initiated about half of our interactions with this classroom teacher and shares my complete confusion about what is expected in the book club. He writes notes, signs off (or not) on homework, has had informal meetings with her on all these subjects. And, frankly, I think he's been a bit slow on the uptake about certain rules regarding homework, so if anyone deserves a bit of irritation, it's him. Yet notice how HE wasn't accused of being high maintenance. I am sure there is a bit of sexism at play here: just blame the mother.

Should I let one or both teachers know that I got this email by mistake and try to clear the air? Do it via meeting, I assume? Doing so is going to embarass both of them and make one ticked at the other for inadvertently exposing her. Do I just ignore it, cross my T's and dot my I's sbout homework for the rest of the school year and give the teachers no reason to complain about me or DD? Do I blow it off as just the teacher's opinion or her bad day and carry on?

I don't think this needed to be so long, but when you feel wronged, it's hard to summarize. I appreciate you reading all of it.

[kedss]

geez- I would probably write a real note to the teacher who sent the email that you got by mistake, to let her know you received the email by mistake. I'm guessing once she hit send she realized what happened. I'd give her a chance to say something to you or not, and go from there.

It would be hard for me to ignore it.

[athompson]

I would blow it off. Everyone has a bad day, some more than others. I would just carry on and try not to hold a grudge.
Again, much easier said than done:)

[ha98ed14]

The first rule the teacher broke is never put anything like this in writing. It will ALWAYS come back to bite you in the @$$. So, that said, I think the question is, "Do you want to confront her?" Only you can decide that.

If it was me, I would probably would, but do in casually. Like if you are picking DD up, go in and say to her, "You know I saw your comments about my being a high maintence mother in the email response from the Book Club Teacher. I'm sorry you see me that way. In the future, it would be better if you addressed your concerns directly with me instead of talking about me behind my back."

Then leave. I bet you 10 to 1 she will be speechless. So just go and let her chew on it for a while. There is no way she can argue with that statement because those are the basic skills of conflict resolution that any person over the age of 21 outta be able to employ.

[DietCokeLover]

I think I might would take an "indirect" approach. I think I would reply to both of them via the email you received, so that it is known that you saw what was written about you. I would "kill them with kindness" of sorts, thanking them for communicating regarding your child's best interest and how you look forward to cooperating in the all important education of your child, etc etc.

I would think anyone with a heart and a conscience would be humbled by your approach particularly knowing what you know and would therefore be much easier to work with in the future.

That's just my two cents for what it's worth. Hope you get it resolved for the sake of your DC.

[maylips]

Will you have to deal with the classroom teacher for much longer? Is there a chance DD will have her again?

If not, I would let it go. The only thing that would make me want to confront her would be if her opinion holds weight at that school and you get labeled that from here to when your DD moves on to middle school.

That being said, it would be hard not to say something!

[ha98ed14]

I think I might would take an "indirect" approach. I think I would reply to both of them via the email you received, so that it is known that you saw what was written about you. I would "kill them with kindness" of sorts, thanking them for communicating regarding your child's best interest and how you look forward to cooperating in the all important education of your child, etc etc.

I would think anyone with a heart and a conscience would be humbled by your approach particularly knowing what you know and would therefore be much easier to work with in the future.

That's just my two cents for what it's worth. Hope you get it resolved for the sake of your DC.

I agree. This is good. Kind of a backdoor approach, killing them with kindness. But I agree with DietCoke, reply via the email you received so that the classroom teacher knows you saw her comments.

[lfp2n]

Wow that's not right - Im not sure what Id say, I'd be really mad and rehearse making a snarky comment, but I'm so nonconfrontational I probably wouldn't actuallly do it. As for backing off I think it would have the opposite affect on me and put my 'high maintenanceness' into overdrive. Nothing to lose and you want to be clear on assignments.

Good Luck and roll on June the 4th or is it 7th now

[kijip]

I am sure my opinions are colored by my own experiences with elementary education this year, where anything more than volunteering to make copies for the teacher and donating $$ to the PTA seems to merit one the label of "high maintenance" Any questions about the curriculum, any questions about gosh forbid your child and you get labelled a nervous first time mom or a helicopter mom or whatever. I have frankly come to see the teacher claiming to be a partner with the parents in the student's education as lip service. My son's teacher seemingly wants a supply of volunteers at her beck and call to do her always last minute paperwork and copies but otherwise wants NO parent contact on the class, the materials, the social situations in the class or my child.

But coming from that place, I would be inclined to say something to her along the lines of ha98ed14's thoughts.n I think with some teachers any action or inquiry at all from the parents gets a negative label.

[nov04]

I think I might would take an "indirect" approach. I think I would reply to both of them via the email you received, so that it is known that you saw what was written about you. I would "kill them with kindness" of sorts, thanking them for communicating regarding your child's best interest and how you look forward to cooperating in the all important education of your child, etc etc.

I would think anyone with a heart and a conscience would be humbled by your approach particularly knowing what you know and would therefore be much easier to work with in the future.

That's just my two cents for what it's worth. Hope you get it resolved for the sake of your DC.

I agree with this approach too. We had an incident at school where I'm sure the teachers and principal/vp were wrong in their approach. We were streamed. We called a meeting and explained how willing we were to work on the issues at hand and smoothe it all out. To this day I am so happy we acted with kindness but recognized there were issues going on. We're so pleased with the school and how it has turned out that I'm reluctant to ever leave.

[MontrealMum]

I like ha98ed14's response, but I'm not sure I'd actually have the backbone to do it. If you are feeling a little uneasy about being that bold (and I still think it's really cool to be so head-on!) I'd go with what dietcokelover said. Either way, I would not let it pass by w/o doing something...especially if your DD is going to remain at that school. Teachers talk to each other all the time and this woman's perceptions of you are going to get passed on - unfounded or not. I guess I'd rather have her think I was high maintenance (wrongly or not) AND the kind of tough cookie that isn't going to take any bs like that!

[mommylamb]

I think I'd be kind of passive agressive and send her a note saying something to the effect of "In this age of electronic communication, it is even more important to think about what you put in writing because it may get back to the person. Now, I would like to work with you and clear up any miscommunication we might have had over the last few months."

[egoldber]

I'm sort of like Katie. (And I think her definition of a high maintenance mom is spot on.) I kind of assume I am known as "that mom" and frankly, I don't care. I do what I need to do for my kid.


I like ha98ed14's response, but I'm not sure I'd actually have the backbone to do it. If you are feeling a little uneasy about being that bold (and I still think it's really cool to be so head-on!) I'd go with what dietcokelover said.

:yeahthat:

[KHF]

If it was me, I would probably would, but do in casually. Like if you are picking DD up, go in and say to her, "You know I saw your comments about my being a high maintence mother in the email response from the Book Club Teacher. I'm sorry you see me that way. In the future, it would be better if you addressed your concerns directly with me instead of talking about me behind my back."

:yeahthat:

I had a similar experience with someone at work where things were said (to my best friend at work) and I was told about it. I responded in almost these exact words. I didn't speak to her for a few months after this (pg and maternity leave), but she has been very cordial ever since. In fact, she's gone out of her way to inquire about me and my family in situations where she didn't have to do so. Don't know what she says behind my back, but I feel better knowing that she knows I don't have a problem standing up for myself.

[Moneypenny]

I would just approach it very directly and would respond directly to the teacher with something like,

"Ms. Teacher,
I see you have referred to me as "high maintenance" and warned another teacher about me. I am disappointed in this action on your part and find it inappropriate and unprofessional. Please call me at (phone number) so we can discuss it. Thank you."

When talking, I would just state that you want to have a positive working relationship with her and ask what both of you could do to make that happen.

[ha98ed14]

I am sure my opinions are colored by my own experiences with elementary education this year, where anything more than volunteering to make copies for the teacher and donating $$ to the PTA seems to merit one the label of "high maintenance" Any questions about the curriculum, any questions about gosh forbid your child and you get labelled a nervous first time mom or a helicopter mom or whatever. I have frankly come to see the teacher claiming to be a partner with the parents in the student's education as lip service. My son's teacher seemingly wants a supply of volunteers at her beck and call to do her always last minute paperwork and copies but otherwise wants NO parent contact on the class, the materials, the social situations in the class or my child.

But coming from that place, I would be inclined to say something to her along the lines of ha98ed14's thoughts.n I think with some teachers any action or inquiry at all from the parents gets a negative label.

Hey, I just wanna send one maybe small glimmer of hope... from the teaching side. My H teaches 4th grade. Everyone probably knows that about my life, but anyway. He has a class of gifted kids and most of the parents in his class are in regular contact about their kids' progress. About one third for social reasons and the two thirds in order to keep tabs on assignments and their kids academic progress. DH welcomes these parents inquiries because it means he does not have to initiate them if there is a problem because there is always an open channel of communication.

The only time this is ever a problem is when a parent wants to have a conversation at an inopportune moment. A few times parents have come to classroom in the middle of a school day and asked to talk to him. That's not going to work as someone has to be in the classroom with the students at all times, so no, he can't leave class to talk about a specific child. But before or after school, he is available. And via email, notes, or a phone call. His contract specifically says he must stay after school everyday and be available to parents. He is paid to be there.

Truthfully, the kids/ parents/ families that are most frustrating for him to deal with are the ones where the parents just don't seem to care. Or they come to conferences and pay great lip service to whatever he thinks will help their kids do well and then there is no follow through. As a teacher, he doesn't expect kids to be perfect. He expects them to make their best effort on lessons and assignments and to be respectful of themselves, their classmates, and him as their teacher. And when a kid is not doing these things on a consistent basis, he needs the parents to provide support, encouragement and accountability. But honestly, most kids are not on-going problems. They may have an off day once in a while, but most kids do just fine and when they aren't, the contact initiated by parents is enough to help the child get back on track. In a class of 33 this year, there are only 2 kids are having real problems and the parents don't respond to notes home or an email. But there are kids who do have issues and the parents are on top of it and really are part of the team to help the child be sucessful in school.

A PP said that the team/ partner idea is just something that gets lip service. That may be true in some cases. But it also true that there are teachers who recognize that the parent is the MVP on the team of people who can help a child be successful in school. Why would you shut that person out? Any educator who does that is really shooting them self in the foot.

[KBecks]

I would lean toward continuing as if you never got the email. Ask questions when you need to, follow procedures to the best of your understanding, and generally get on with it. I think it's OK to be the high maintenance parent. Own it! :) If they had a bad attitude about my child, that's something to be dealt with. If they seem to be treating your child fine, then I'd let it be. It sounds like they may be disorganized about details and I'd try to live with that as long as the big picture is satisfactory.

[Tracey]

I can certainly understand how you feel unjustly criticized. Just to put things in perspective, teaching is a rough gig. Parents who cause extra work can be viewed negatively just like a client who is demanding can be viewed negatively. It doesn't mean she won't work with you or will take it out on your child...it's just an opinion. As a teacher, if you "killed me with kindness", I probably wouldn't notice. If you confronted me on the note, I might feel embarassed, but I would feel even more justified in what I said. I don't see what you have to gain other than blowing off steam and believe me, teachers are very used to dealing with people's steam. If I did anything, I would forward the email to show that I saw what was said and say something like "Yes, we love our daughter and will always be involved parents.", and continue on with questions about the book club.

[inmypjs]

That's really awful - sorry this happened to you!

I would confront. I think how you do that depends on your personality style and what you are comfortable with. You could do it indirectly as others suggested - by replying to the people involved and leaving that email in the response, so it's obvious you saw it. They'll know you did, which I think is important.

If you are a more direct person, I'd use some of the other suggestions for wording the email. I liked the one about instructing her to address these with you directly instead of talking about you behind your back.

Good luck and keep us posted!

[Veronica's Mommy]

:yeahthat:
Good point.

ETA- directed at Tracey's comment...

[BelleoftheBallFlagstaff]

The first rule the teacher broke is never put anything like this in writing. It will ALWAYS come back to bite you in the @$$. So, that said, I think the question is, "Do you want to confront her?" Only you can decide that.

If it was me, I would probably would, but do in casually. Like if you are picking DD up, go in and say to her, "You know I saw your comments about my being a high maintence mother in the email response from the Book Club Teacher. I'm sorry you see me that way. In the future, it would be better if you addressed your concerns directly with me instead of talking about me behind my back."

Then leave. I bet you 10 to 1 she will be speechless. So just go and let her chew on it for a while. There is no way she can argue with that statement because those are the basic skills of conflict resolution that any person over the age of 21 outta be able to employ.

:yeahthat:

[sste]

I agree with emailing back so they can see the "high maintenance" email but not mentioning it directly - - or just letting it drop. I struggle with this myself but I always try to reorient myself to the idea that confrontation has to yield something to be worthwhile. You are now so close to the end of the school year and you already have the book club issue resolved. So, I am not sure what confrontation would get you - - probably a short-lived high and then ALOT of awkwardness which won't be conducive to sorting out any future issues that come up this spring for your DD. I am sure reading those comments stung but give yourself a few days to put it in perspective - - "high maintenance" is not the worst thing in the world to be called and as PPs have noted signals involved and caring. Based on the email disasters I have seen at work, you are probably lucky there weren't obscenities in there or even nastier comments . . .

[clc053103]

My initial reaction would be to forward it to the principal!!! I am outraged that teachers would speak of parents in such terms amongst themselves, particularly parents that care enough to even ask questions.....but, you could burn a bridge, make yourself out to be the bad guy, all the things others have warned of, so that's not the way to go.

I would forward it back to the initial teacher, and the book club teacher, with a note stating "I think you didn't intend this to reach me?" And then let it go- you will have hopefully taught both teachers a lesson in how they speak about the parents of their classroom. I would not ignore it.

[niccig]

I think I would reply and write something about the book club and then add to the teacher "that if there is a problem with the homework folder, I would look to discuss it, so there are no misunderstandings". ..

If being involved is "high maintenance" then I'm going to be that "high maintenance" mother.

[hellokitty1]

i think it's important that the teachers know you saw her comment. however, i think that is enough discomfort for them. while i would not call out the specific comment on being HM, i would take the proactive stance and just state that you want to support dc's educational experience in whatever way possible and if there are certain things you could do or discontnue doing to help support that, you would love the teacher's feedback. i guess it would be more of a "kill 'em w. kindness" approach but with the caveat that they know you saw it.

[AngelaS]

I'd probably hit 'reply all' and suggest if they have an issue w/you in the future that they come directly to you instead of discussing you in email.

[mamicka]

I'd probably hit 'reply all' and suggest if they have an issue w/you in the future that they come directly to you instead of discussing you in email.

:yeahthat: & I would include the principal. But that's me. I think discussing you in email like that is totally inappropriate. Does this teacher actually want you to be less interested in your child's school life? & here I thought parental involvement was supposed to be a good thing. Sheesh.

[firstbaby]

I would probably address it on two principles. One, it is unprofessional to talk about you this way or "label" you. Two, by labeling you the high maintenance parent, it could further itself and the teacher this year could share that with other teachers which would lead to you being perceived a certain way while your daughter attends that school. By addressing it, (I don't want to call it confronting if you do it a certain way), you let her know that you are aware of her name calling and that it is not acceptable to you. I think you should also mention as an aside that you don't believe it would be fair of you to share with other parents that you feel she is disorganized or inflexible, and would appreciate the same courtesy.

[ThreeofUs]

I agree. This is good. Kind of a backdoor approach, killing them with kindness. But I agree with DietCoke, reply via the email you received so that the classroom teacher knows you saw her comments.


I like the two approaches of DietCokeLover and Ha98ed14. I would confront gently, with the specific goal of ensuring your child has a good experience in the school. You'll do this by clearing up any miscommunication and ensuring you don't get a nasty rep from that teacher.

This is important. It's great to be a high-maintenance parent; frankly, otherwise you're letting other people have free control over your children imho. I'm high-maintenance, but it's because I require accountability. I'm up front about that with teachers, and I find the good teachers respond pretty well when they realize I'll partner with them. The poor teachers will feel my breath on their necks, and will spend more time with me building understanding.

You have a poor teacher here, and you need to work with her - probably face-to-face. If she won't work with you, I'd be talking to her supervisor.

GL!

[MMEand1]

Are there any grammatical errors in the letter? If so, I would highlight them and forward it back to them...pretty snarky, but that's the mood I'm in right now!!

I'll try to respond more appropriately when I've had a little more sleep (3 hours in 2 days just is not cutting it)!!

[MamaMolly]

...snip... If I did anything, I would forward the email to show that I saw what was said and say something like "Yes, we love our daughter and will always be involved parents.", and continue on with questions about the book club.

:yeahthat: I totally agree with this approach (both as a mom and a former teacher). I think BOTH teachers need to receive a 'reply all' reply. It totally addresses the teacher's shameful behavior (WHO in this day and age puts something like that in an email???What an idiot!) *and* the book club teacher's foolish mistake, while at the same time makes you kind of a mom-hero. By immediately dropping it, you show that you aren't holding a grudge, you aren't escalating it, you are being a grownup. Just my $0.02. GL.

[kijip]

Hey, I just wanna send one maybe small glimmer of hope... from the teaching side.

Thanks. I know it must vary from teacher to teacher and school to school. I seriously hope that not everyone has as defensive a teacher as T does. She is an odd bird and it's hard to gauge how much of our issues this year are her, the school, school culture generically or Toby specific. We basically always email her rather than approaching her at school (I figure even at the end of the day, she has other things to do so let her get back to us on her schedule). We always respond promptly to letters and calls, we go to PTA most of the time, we give anything she asks us to send in for projects (like magazines or marshmallows), we have each volunteered in the class etc. She is just very touchy about being asked a question or having a parent broach any concern (I am not alone in my opinions here, my dad and a lot of the other parents I have spoken to have mentioned this).

[DrSally]

Man. I'd be steamed. If it were just something btwn me and that person, I would totally confront them (or at least that's what I tell myself). In this situation, I like what pp's have mentioned about letting her know you saw the email and then killing with kindness--I like pp's statment about loving your daughter and, yes, planning to be involved. I mean, maybe she wouldn't get so many questions if the instructions were clear, did she ever think of that? Also, I think addressing it will help, as pp mentioned, if this teacher is talking about you to the other teachers and giving you a bad rep for future classes. It really scares me that for many (not all) being a partner with the parent is mostly given lip service.

[wendibird22]

What if you said something to the effect of you are sorry that your questions and concerns are coming off as high maintenance, but that you are just trying to help your child be as successful as possible in her classroom. And then ask if she has a recommendation on how you might better approach her with questions or concerns.

This way you put her on notice that you know but also put the onus on her to tell you how she thinks you can accomplish the same outcome without her seeing it as being high maintenance. I think she'll be hard pressed to do so. Because as you said, the emails are probably better than in-person questions at the end of the school day. And what teacher wouldn't want an involved parent?!

[bubbaray]

:yeahthat: & I would include the principal. But that's me. I think discussing you in email like that is totally inappropriate. Does this teacher actually want you to be less interested in your child's school life? & here I thought parental involvement was supposed to be a good thing. Sheesh.


:yeahthat: