Read this: "Dude, You've Got Problems"

[citymama]

I'm wasn't a fan of Judith Warner's "Ban the Breast Pump" but I think her latest blog post/article is right on. As parents of kids who will grow up to be bullies or bullied or bystanders, we will need to help our kids be prepared for bullying, stereotypes, body image issues from an early age, even though this gets worse as they get older. I think both parents will need to play an active role to break these gender stereotypes. I'd love to hear peoples' perspectives on this piece.

Note: please click on the link for the whole article - I've just excerpted a short bit of it.

"Dude, You've Got Problems"
Judith Warner, April 17 2009
NY Times
http://warner.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/04/16/who-are-you-calling-gay/?em

"Early this month, Carl Joseph Walker-Hoover, an 11-year-old boy from Springfield, Mass., hanged himself after months of incessantly being hounded by his classmates for being “gay.” (He was not; but did, apparently, like to do well in school.)

.....

Being called a “fag,” you see, actually has almost nothing to do with being gay. It’s really about showing any perceived weakness or femininity – by being emotional, seeming incompetent, caring too much about clothing, liking to dance or even having an interest in literature."
.....

"Malina Saval, who spent two years observing and interviewing teenage boys and their parents for her new book “The Secret Lives of Boys,” found that parents played a key role in reinforcing the basest sort of gender stereotypes, at least where boys were concerned. “There were a few parents who were sort of alarmist about whether or not their children were going to be gay because of their music choices, the clothes they wore,” she said. Generally, she said, “there was a kind of low-level paranoia if these high-school-age boys weren’t yet seriously involved with a girl.”

It seems it all comes down, as do so many things for today’s parents, to status.

“Parents are so terrified that their kids will miss out on anything,” Anderegg told me. “They want their kids to have sex, be sexy.”

This generation of parents tends to talk a good game about gender, at least in public. Practicing what we preach, in anxious times in particular, is another thing."

[maestramommy]

I understand that this is supposed to be an Op ed. But it's so short in length as to be short on substance. It seems like she barely got started on what sounded like very good points, then ended. Very frustrating. Are we supposed to read this book "Secret Life of Boys" in order to get the full picture?

[citymama]

I understand that this is supposed to be an Op ed. But it's so short in length as to be short on substance. It seems like she barely got started on what sounded like very good points, then ended. Very frustrating. Are we supposed to read this book "Secret Life of Boys" in order to get the full picture?

I just posted a short bit of the article! It's quite long - please click on the link to read it. I've been previously corrected by mods for posting the full text. Sorry about the confusion!

[maestramommy]

I just posted a paragraph of the article! It's quite long - please click on the link to read it. I've been previously "scolded" by mods for posting the full text. Sorry about the confusion!

Actually I did click on the link. The article is only a page long, right? It appears the comments are longer than the article!

[niccig]

We've run into this at preschool. Some girls teased DS's friend as his shirt had pink in it, I think it's a striped polo and one of the stripes is pink. They told him he was a girl. DS got quite upset over it and asked DH why can't boys wear pink, he was very confused as it's the first time he's heard anything like this. DH told him that he can wear any colour he wants, and DH has a striped dress shirt with pink in it. Apparently the girls teased DS's friend again the next time he wore the shirt and DS told them they were wrong and that his Daddy said boys can wear any colour. DS has talked about this incident several times, it's made a big impression on him. So much so, that I mentioned it to the preschool teachers, as I don't know if it's an ongoing teasing or did it only happen 2 times.

[wellyes]

The article is only a page long, right?

This is Warner's blog, all her posts are about this length. I think she has a valid point, that girls have limited choices due to gender but boys are even more boxed in. When I had my DD I was frankly relieved I'd had a girl because I think it is simpler to teach identity and empowerment to girls than it is for boys................. I just wouldn't know where to start with a boy.

[citymama]

This is Warner's blog, all her posts are about this length. I think she has a valid point, that girls have limited choices due to gender but boys are even more boxed in. When I had my DD I was frankly relieved I'd had a girl because I think it is simpler to teach identity and empowerment to girls than it is for boys................. I just wouldn't know where to start with a boy.

I agree. (I love having a girl for many reasons, but this is true!)

Warner's comment about parents' role in reinforcing stereotypes really gave me pause. I consider myself a feminist, raised by a feminist, married to a feminist. I spent my childhood in shorts and a t-shirt, never thought about clothes, hair, make-up, any of that. My 3 yr old kid is obsessed with girlie stuff - always asking to have her nails painted, wear dresses, princess clothes, frills, pink, etc. Normal, right. But still, part of me wonders whether I am also playing into this stereotypical behavior by getting her this stuff. Every girl in her preschool has and wears dress-up clothes to school. My kid didn't and was dying for it; I stocked up on girlie dress up stuff at a yard sale. That's the right thing to do, right, totally harmless? I'm not so sure. As a kid, I really felt liberated growing up without the burden of being obsessed with the way I look. By getting her all the pink frills she wants am I reinforcing the dominant stereoptype or just being a good mom?

At this stage, I think it's harmless, but as she gets older and the demands continue (influenced by peer pressure), I'm not so sure.

Sorry for the ramble!

[kedss]

Its funny, my DS is one the sensitive boys, and all the girls love him. Its harder for him to fit in with the boys, but he is starting to make toys into guns, that sort of thing. I call him on the gun thing because I don't like guns, and he apologizes when he realizes that he's doing it. He isn't really into the super hero thing like his other friends at school, but in his class there are 10 girls to 5 boys, so the girls may have a bigger influence.

At this point, the boys in the class still feel comfortable wearing beads(mardi gras necklaces) and will play in the more stereotypical 'girl' areas of the classroom, most of them have turned 5. I don't see it being an issue til they have to deal with older kids.

I do have a DD, 10 months, I do dress her in pink, because that's what I have, even then I get people who ask if she's a boy or girl, which I guess is good, but she really does look like a girl, no matter the color of clothes she wears, LOL. :)

sorry, I'm rambling, I hope when both my kids hit an age when this will affect them, that we have done a good enough job raising them that the bullies can't affect them. I know they affected me, unfortunately, but certainly not to the point that the children described in the piece were driven to.

[KBecks]

I was reading Playful Parenting yesterday and there is a great chapter on this. NAK

[amandabea]

My 3 yr old kid is obsessed with girlie stuff - always asking to have her nails painted, wear dresses, princess clothes, frills, pink, etc. Normal, right. But still, part of me wonders whether I am also playing into this stereotypical behavior by getting her this stuff. Every girl in her preschool has and wears dress-up clothes to school. My kid didn't and was dying for it; I stocked up on girlie dress up stuff at a yard sale. That's the right thing to do, right, totally harmless? I'm not so sure. As a kid, I really felt liberated growing up without the burden of being obsessed with the way I look. By getting her all the pink frills she wants am I reinforcing the dominant stereoptype or just being a good mom?

At this stage, I think it's harmless, but as she gets older and the demands continue (influenced by peer pressure), I'm not so sure.

Sorry for the ramble!

same here with my 2 yo DD and I don't know where it comes from. I mean I LOVE pink, but other than the color I've never been a girly-type girl, but my DD only wants to wear "snow princess" outfits (dresses and skirts). She refuses to wear jeans, pants or shorts. The most I can get away with is tunic style tops with pants/shorts. I wish I had taken this obsession into consideration when I was buying all her Spring/Summer clothes a month ago! She likes her hair in "pretties", which means pigtails. I bought her some nail polish for Easter bc she kept coloring her nails with marker wanting them to be "fancy" -- I don't even own any nail polish! Anytime she puts something new on, she'll go find her daddy so he can tell her how pretty she is and then she'll twirl in front of the mirror. It is all very cute, but I don't know where it comes from.

ETA: I got so carried away I forgot what I wanted to say about that article.... I think not only parents, but educators need to be aware of the potential of teasing...sometimes it's much more subtle than true bullying. Like what niccig was describing at her DS' school -- the teachers need to be aware and address that before it gets out of hand.

[citymama]

I was reading Playful Parenting yesterday and there is a great chapter on this. NAK

I've been meaning to borrow that book out of the library - thanks for the tip!

[maestramommy]

Dora loves her princess dress and insists on bringing it to church on Sundays and Wednesdays. Arwyn is more meh about it all. Which is funny because she loves wearing hats and everyone else's shoes. I go along with it because it still feels harmless at this stage, and I'm just glad I don't have to wrestle the girls into dresses on Sundays. Dh is totally ramping up to make sure they are well rounded though. He loves his girls, but refuses to let them become ornamental. I've got his back on this 100% because I was NOT a girly girl and still am not.

As for the main thrust of the blog. I was not aware of this trend and I find it rather alarming. It seems as though we are going backwards in time or something.

[mommylamb]

CJ Pascoe, the sociology prof mentioned in this, was one of my house mates in college.