I don't need this.

[gatorsmom]

I' haven't seen this "friend" for 18 months since when she laughingly told me her 4yo son was caught bringing a pocket knife on the same preschool bus my son rides. I was 2 weeks out from having a c/s for my twins and she told my hormonal, nervous self this. Anyway, we had a big falling out where we both said things, mainly me though, (i posted about it once upon a time) and I haven't heard from her since (well, we each sent a letter saying we forgave the other but that's it).

Well, she lives in my neighborhood and last night our neighborhood had a progressives dinner. Nothing really happened. I spoke to her a bit. DH spoke to her more. But i can't stop rehashing every bit of the night. I'm feeling 50 billion emotions that are all running through my head as well as rehashing that whole ugly original conversation that ended our friendship. I feel regret, shame, hurt, insult, embarassment, sadness, etc. I just want to put it out of my head. But i can't.

Where is the peace that I've felt over this for the past year? Once I put it out of my head and had emotionally come to terms with the fact of the matter, I was ok. Where is that ok feeling now? Ugh. I hate being like this- an emotionally confused mess. I can't get anything done here at home because of it and I have plenty to do.

I know time heals but I just need it to go away now.

ugh. double ugh.

[maestramommy]

Well, if this is the first time you've seen her in over a year, I can see how it would be hard. Particularly if you weren't expecting to see her. Hopefully if you see her again with some regularity it'll get easier. I remember that episode. Tough all around.

[firsttimemama]

:(

I'm sorry. As I posted recently I went through/am going through a thing with a friend right now and it sucks..

:( no advice. just empathy

[gatorsmom]

:(

I'm sorry. As I posted recently I went through/am going through a thing with a friend right now and it sucks..

:( no advice. just empathy

Yep, I thought of you this morning. It does suck. After 18 months I would have thought it'd be much easier. If I had known then what I do now I would have just hung the phone up on her as soon as she said, "by the way, you won't believe what E did this week. He brought his brother's pocket knife on the bus..." Then I would have called her back a few days later and apologized for getting cut off like that....

[ha98ed14]

I dunno if this is the same lady from Bunko, or a different person, but I have someone in my life like this. We had a big falling out, forgave each other and moved on. But I still do not seek her out. And when our paths cross, honestly, I don't talk to her. What do I have to say? I think she's a b!tch. I can forgive her for what she did/ said, but it doesn't change what kind of a person she is.

If your friend is worth still being friends with, then you should do your best to suck up your pride, eat crow, or whatever to get past the awkwardness of the moment. But if she is someone who is just going to do the same thing all over again, then why bother. Forgive her and be done. You don't need to do the work to maintain friendships with people who are just going to cr@p on you again. People make mistakes. I have made tons, and from your description, both you and she did in this situation. But there are some people where the entire relationship is drama-recovery-drama-recovery. You don't need that. With 4 kids, you got all the drama you need at home!

I guess I'm just trying to say you can still forgive her without resuming a friendship with her.

[gatorsmom]

I dunno if this is the same lady from Bunko, or a different person, but I have someone in my life like this. We had a big falling out, forgave each other and moved on. But I still do not seek her out. And when our paths cross, honestly, I don't talk to her. What do I have to say? I think she's a b!tch. I can forgive her for what she did/ said, but it doesn't change what kind of a person she is.

If your friend is worth still being friends with, then you should do your best to suck up your pride, eat crow, or whatever to get past the awkwardness of the moment. But if she is someone who is just going to do the same thing all over again, then why bother. Forgive her and be done. You don't need to do the work to maintain friendships with people who are just going to cr@p on you again. People make mistakes. I have made tons, and from your description, both you and she did in this situation. But there are some people where the entire relationship is drama-recovery-drama-recovery. You don't need that. With 4 kids, you got all the drama you need at home!

I guess I'm just trying to say you can still forgive her without resuming a friendship with her.

Thank you for your post. NOpe this is not the Bunko lady. If you think that I have issues with friends I think you are right! This is a neighbor who is very kind and does every thing for her friends- to the detriment of her children. What I mean is she will, imo, neglect her children in order to do nice things for those in need. Her son who is Gator's age had been in the ER 5 times in a 6month span. And as long as their issues didn't affect me, I didn't comment on her parenting and just focused on our friendship. I mean, I figured she was trying her best. But when she let her son somehow get his big brothers Boy Scout pocket knife and take it on the school bus- the same school bus that my little 4 yo started taking to school to help me while i was hugely preggo with the twins- well, I lost it. The problem was that she just brushed it off like it was just another crazy thing her son did. I didn't see it that way. I saw it as her failure to supervise her children and their belongings- especially potentially dangerous belongings like a knife. Then, after I'd had the twins and was home with them, like 6 weeks later, I wrote her a letter to tell her how I felt and apologize. I don't think it helped. Anyway, while we were friends she continually asked me to let Gator come over and play. Well, DH and just didn't think it was safe. They just don't supervise their children and make some questionable (in our opinoin) parenting choices. So, for the past 18 months while I felt bad that I hurt her and she hurt me, on the other hand it was huge relief that I didn't have to deal with her frequent requests for Gator to visit. Until last night when I felt all those emotions all over again. sigh.

What an incredible learning experience.

[specialp]

But i can't stop rehashing every bit of the night. I'm feeling 50 billion emotions that are all running through my head as well as rehashing that whole ugly original conversation that ended our friendship. I feel regret, shame, hurt, insult, embarassment, sadness, etc. I just want to put it out of my head. But i can't.

I do this with EVERYTHING, not just arguments. I always think about how I could've said it better, made my point clearer, been more graceful etc. There's no use in saying "let it go" b/c it doesn't help. But you do need to give yourself a break. These situations are stressful. But, you just can't change what has happened, so you have to focus on what will happen: how will you try to handle the next meetig with her, what can you do that will make you more comfortable, what can you do that will make you PROUD of YOURSELF and how you handled it. Maybe you'll get a chance to to see, maybe you won't, but it's better to focus on "next time" which you can control rather than the past which you can't.

I know that doesn't help much. And should I ever post in BP, feel free to use my words against me. :wink2: I'm so not good at taking my own advice.

I hope you feel better. I really do do this to myself all the time. DH says he wishes I could have the same "etcha sketch" memory he has when it comes to these situations.

[MartiesMom2B]

I know it sucks. I stopped socializing to our neighbor/friend about a year ago and it was very awkward. My husband was uncomfortable with Martie playing with her child. I wanted to be nice. Don't keep replaying it in your head and feel bad for yourself. One day you may find yourself very grateful for the situation or it might turn out for the best. I felt very validated when the police showed me what looked like a mugshot of my "friend" and told me they had a warrant for her arrest. Just be cool and polite and you'll be the one who comes out on top.

[gatorsmom]

I do this with EVERYTHING, not just arguments. I always think about how I could've said it better, made my point clearer, been more graceful etc. There's no use in saying "let it go" b/c it doesn't help. But you do need to give yourself a break. These situations are stressful. But, you just can't change what has happened, so you have to focus on what will happen: how will you try to handle the next meetig with her, what can you do that will make you more comfortable, what can you do that will make you PROUD of YOURSELF and how you handled it. Maybe you'll get a chance to to see, maybe you won't, but it's better to focus on "next time" which you can control rather than the past which you can't.

I know that doesn't help much. And should I ever post in BP, feel free to use my words against me. :wink2: I'm so not good at taking my own advice.

I hope you feel better. I really do do this to myself all the time. DH says he wishes I could have the same "etcha sketch" memory he has when it comes to these situations.

It does help. Thank you. :)

[MMEand1]

FWIW, I think you did the right thing by not allowing you DC to play at her house.

[kransden]

I remember this, and I'm sorry that you're having to think of it again.

[ha98ed14]

Thank you for your post. NOpe this is not the Bunko lady. If you think that I have issues with friends I think you are right! This is a neighbor who is very kind and does every thing for her friends- to the detriment of her children. What I mean is she will, imo, neglect her children in order to do nice things for those in need. Her son who is Gator's age had been in the ER 5 times in a 6month span. And as long as their issues didn't affect me, I didn't comment on her parenting and just focused on our friendship. I mean, I figured she was trying her best. But when she let her son somehow get his big brothers Boy Scout pocket knife and take it on the school bus- the same school bus that my little 4 yo started taking to school to help me while i was hugely preggo with the twins- well, I lost it. The problem was that she just brushed it off like it was just another crazy thing her son did. I didn't see it that way. I saw it as her failure to supervise her children and their belongings- especially potentially dangerous belongings like a knife. Then, after I'd had the twins and was home with them, like 6 weeks later, I wrote her a letter to tell her how I felt and apologize. I don't think it helped. Anyway, while we were friends she continually asked me to let Gator come over and play. Well, DH and just didn't think it was safe. They just don't supervise their children and make some questionable (in our opinoin) parenting choices. So, for the past 18 months while I felt bad that I hurt her and she hurt me, on the other hand it was huge relief that I didn't have to deal with her frequent requests for Gator to visit. Until last night when I felt all those emotions all over again. sigh.

What an incredible learning experience.

In response to the situation you described...

RE: The Friend: She doesn't sound like a b!tch at all. She sounds like a very needy person who craves the recognition/ appreciation/ attention gotten from doing nice, thoughtful things for other people... people who are not her spouse or children because they rarely say thank you. She is needy, not mean. I still think you can forgive and not resume the friendship. Personally, I think forgiving someone for being needy is much easier than forgiving someone for being mean. If nothing else, you can pity her that she is so needy that she is oblivious to (or ignores) the needs of her family right under her nose.

RE: The incident: Clearly the knife incident is disturbing. Especially to a very pregnant woman. Granted, I don't know her or the other incidents that make you think she is neglectful, but I could see how it could happen in a house where they were loose about things like keeping all sharp objects away from small kids. If they have older kids, that is particularly hard to police. I think that her youngest is the same age as your oldest (Gator). So she may have mentally moved out of the infant/ toddler stage, which you are still very much in the middle of. I say this because there is a similar dynamic at play between me and my SIL (and therefore my MIL). Her oldest is 13. Her youngest is a month older than my DD. They do things more loosely than I am comfortable with. It's partly because they have older kids who are more (in theory) responsible and partly personality. They are more laid back that I am. They think I am paranoid. Fine.

RE: How to handle possible future interactions:
Embrace the role of uptight mom. Name it and claim it! You aren't comfortable having Gator go there, so invite her DC to come to your house on a date that is good for you. If she presses you about it, you can say, "I am so nervous about Gator getting into older kids' stuff. I'd worry the whole time he was there. But I'd be happy to have [DC NAME] over to play at our house." You gotta embrace it and be OK with admitting (and exaggerating) your concerns to get what you want. I embrace it, and even poke fun at myself. If I make a request of SIL or MIL, I follow it up with, "...because, you know, [XYZ outrageous thing] might happen." This is the ONLY way I have found of both holding my boundaries and not implying SIL is neglectful. BUT, if I can make her laugh, then she does what I want with a smile.

Anyway. HTH.

[DrSally]

I'm sure seeing her again triggered all those feelings and made it feel fresh again. It will prob die down after awhile of not seeing her again.

[gatorsmom]

DH told me about a snippet of a conversation he'd had with my ex-friend "C" and her husband, S, last night at the dinner. Apparently, C bought her older son -the boyscout with the pocketknife- an air rifle. She made a point of saying to my DH, "But don't worry! We make sure he understands this is NOT to get in E's hands or there will be hell to pay." E, by the way, is their youngest child who managed to get his older brothers pocketknife and smuggle it onto the school bus that my son rode.

So, my DH burst out laughing and said, "I can just see it, E will have his older brother duct taped to a chair while he is walking back and forth in front of him asking him if he wants a last cigarette." S started laughing this nervous laugh like, "yeah, ha ha....omg that could happen." C kind of laughed and looked uncomfortable.

Probably not that far fetched....

[DrSally]

Oh boy. Now you're jogging my memory on that incident. I still think it was a good idea of you not to have Gator play over there.

[maestramommy]

DH told me about a snippet of a conversation he'd had with my ex-friend "C" and her husband, S, last night at the dinner. Apparently, C bought her older son -the boyscout with the pocketknife- an air rifle. She made a point of saying to my DH, "But don't worry! We make sure he understands this is NOT to get in E's hands or there will be hell to pay." E, by the way, is their youngest child who managed to get his older brothers pocketknife and smuggle it onto the school bus that my son rode.

So, my DH burst out laughing and said, "I can just see it, E will have his older brother duct taped to a chair while he is walking back and forth in front of him asking him if he wants a last cigarette." S started laughing this nervous laugh like, "yeah, ha ha....omg that could happen." C kind of laughed and looked uncomfortable.

Probably not that far fetched....

OMG, I was totally thinking of something like this when you mentioned the knife situation. I was wondering "what if they kept guns in the house?" I think you were right in not letting Gator play at their house without you.

[MamaMolly]

DH told me about a snippet of a conversation he'd had with my ex-friend "C" and her husband, S, last night at the dinner. Apparently, C bought her older son -the boyscout with the pocketknife- an air rifle. She made a point of saying to my DH, "But don't worry! We make sure he understands this is NOT to get in E's hands or there will be hell to pay."

Oh good grief. She went and bought her DC's a gun? Now THAT'S using her smarts. FWIW I think you are soooooo beyond right to keep your kiddos far, far, far away from this woman and her kids. She shows a truly stunning lack of judgement.

As for the friendship thing, I agree with the PP who said that you need to focus on what you learned from the situation. Do you wish you'd handled it better? Do you regret it happening at all? (not that I can imagine that...) but you know what I mean. Try to take something positive from it, and that may help you find some peace.

[sste]

I think you need to forgive yourself for not acting in the ideal, looking back in hindsight way you might have wanted to the penknife incident. These things happen - - particularly when very pregnant. I know the friendship "dissolutions" I am the most stuck on are the ones where I feel like I played a part or didn't handle it ideally. Perhaps that is one of the reasons this is still on your mind. So forgive yourself - - and thank your heavens you have a little bit of distance from that woman and her family's weaponry!!

[tmarie]

But i can't stop rehashing every bit of the night. I'm feeling 50 billion emotions that are all running through my head as well as rehashing that whole ugly original conversation that ended our friendship. I feel regret, shame, hurt, insult, embarassment, sadness, etc. I just want to put it out of my head. But i can't.

Where is the peace that I've felt over this for the past year? Once I put it out of my head and had emotionally come to terms with the fact of the matter, I was ok. Where is that ok feeling now?

I know exactly how you feel. I have always had a strained relationship with the inlaws. Some visits I can handle them and tell myself, 'even though I would handle this differently, or not say this or that, they are good people who just make insensitive decisions/comments out of insecurity.' But then months later something will happen and all my feelings or anger and resentment resurface. I would love to tell you to brush it off, but I am terrible at doing that myself! And by the way, I certainly think your reaction to her son's bringing a pocket knife on a bus was completely appropriate! I think its important someone stood up to her to let her know that just isn't acceptable....

tmarie