How to stop yelling at DS?

[justincase]

Yes, we have a lot going on right now. DD is having feeding issues, I am in this endless cycle of pumping:
http://www.windsorpeak.com/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=321573
DH’s work is very stressful right now, and of course DS is pushing us since the new baby arrived home. But I feel like we just cannot stop yelling at him. Typically he is very happy, very outgoing, very curious, but also incredibly compliant and eager to please for his age. Lately (of course) he has been testing us – you can actually see him looking around for something naughty to do on purpose. I feel like both DH and I *way* over-react, yell too quickly, too much, too loudly. And it isn’t like it does any good, all DS does is yell back. That is, until he melts, crying, “I need a snuggle… I need my cries wiped away… I am having a sad day… I still love you, Mommy…” etc. at which point the guilt descends and I feel like we are ruining this wonderful child. How can I do better? How can I stop yelling? How can we let him know that (even though his acting up right now is totally appropriate and expected) the rules still apply? (When we apply the usual consequences – you throw that toy across the room, we take that toy away, etc. – he just laughs and looks around for something else to throw…) He has *never* acted this way before. Argh. DH left for work this morning with a crying DS in tow, to drop him off at daycare, DS is *weeping* “But I am sad… I don’t want to go to school, I want to stay home with Mommy and my baby…” – this is after I had screamed my head off at him after he swung his ukulele around wildly, narrowly missing the piano, I told him calmly to use it nicely or lose it, he grinned at me and did it again, I walked toward him to take it away, he lashed out and hit me *right* in the c/s incision (he didn't mean to do that, he is very concerned about Mommy's big cut, but it *is* right at his level) – and as soon as they left I started to cry, too. Etc. We all feel just lousy. Help!

[egoldber]

:grouphug:

You are all in survival mode right now. You and DH are sleep deprived and stressed. Your DS's world has been rocked. You all just need to get through it.

I think that daycare is a good thing right now, because it will give you both some space and time away from each other to decompress.

I know it is so hard, but if there is any way that you can take even just 30 minutes to spend some special 1 on 1 time with DS that may help. Even just watch a video while you snuggle and eat popcorn together.

[Bella's Mommy]

I am so sorry you are having a bad day...take a deep breath, Spring is here and it will get easier for you each day as your baby gets a little older and you DH & DS get used to the routine and having a new baby in the house. I am in a similar situation - our DS's are older (4 & 6) and our DD who is almost 4 mo has a feeding problem & low wt gain as well and I was BF and then pumping. It is exhausting to bottle feed, BF and then pump. I had cracked & bleeding nipples for 2 months and since I exclusively BF my other 2 kids, I felt like a failure. Turns out DD has horrible reflux (reqs Zantac) & now I have to pump and mix it with rice starch formula or she screams in pain. Keep up with the BF, she will get the hang of it. Our BF consultant assured me that babies always prefer the breast over the bottle, just latch her on at every feeding. You should contact LaLeche League and find a BF support group in your area. You will find many Moms have similar problems and it helps to meet with others who are going through similar situations. As far as yelling at your DS - remember that you are exhausted - so try the count to 10 thing before you yell - I was yelling as well...my DS's were only 21 mo apart so maybe you could try what I did with my DS. When ever he threw something or made a mess or whatever, I started asking him to be my special "big boy" helper. You may be amazed at how great this strategy works. Like "I know they are very heavy, but you are such a strong big boy, do you think you could bring Mommy the tub of wipes and help me change a stinky diaper?" Or when DS makes a mess of toys I'd say something like "How fast do you think you/we can put all the trains back in the bin? Lets set the timer - ready, set, go!" Make every thing a fun game and you will see your DS will be happier. When DS cries about going to daycare, kiss him goodbye and tell him to have a fun time with his friends and that you'll save up a huge hug and kiss for him when he comes home & then ask him all about his day & share something you did so he doesn't feel like he missed something. "Your sister took a nice nap and I washed your favorite jeans while you were with your friends..." And since you are probably seeing your Pediatrician frequently, ask him/her for some tricks - mine is always coming up with new "good behavior ideas" to try like sticker to reward good behavior, etc. Lastly, since it is getting nicer, try to take the baby out for a walk (even though you are exhausted), the fresh air and sunshine will make you feel better! I hope I was able to help in some small way!

[kijip]

:grouphug:

You are all in survival mode right now. You and DH are sleep deprived and stressed. Your DS's world has been rocked. You all just need to get through it.

I think that daycare is a good thing right now, because it will give you both some space and time away from each other to decompress.

I know it is so hard, but if there is any way that you can take even just 30 minutes to spend some special 1 on 1 time with DS that may help. Even just watch a video while you snuggle and eat popcorn together.

:yeahthat:

Your son is only 2 so some of it is sibling and some of it may be your normally eager to please/compliant guy becoming a 2 year old/growing up a little and testing limits. I know my calm little baby became a limit testing prankster as he got close to 2 and 1/2 ish/3 years old. It must be very hard to deal with that AND a newborn at the same time so really don't beat yourself up.

[TwinFoxes]

I don't have any advice but I just wanted to give you support and let you know that I think it's awesome that you are reaching out for help. To me it shows that you're a great mom. I'm sure moms on the board with more experience than me will help you out. Big supportive hug. (Also, so sorry about getting hit in the CS scar...I think I would have passed out.)

[sste]

Go easy on yourself -- emotions and hormones are running high. I have heard rave reviews of the "1-2-3 Magic" book. I think you can start when kids are quite young and its supposed to be a no-yell system. But, overall, it doesn't sound like you have a discipline problem on your hands so much as some big transitions going on.

[KBecks]

Oh, man.... remind yourself that everything gets better in a couple months. Seriously you are in survival mode right now. Also, you know yelling doesn't work, his hearing is fine! And he needs you too. A newborn in the house is hard, hard, hard. Two little ones is hard, hard, hard. Do the best you can, try to give him snuggles every day and find things to tell him he is doing well when he is doing good.

Hang in there! I can tell you that by 2 months, 4 months, 6 months it gets easier. You're not stuck in this forever. It will go by fast.

[kimberley-k]

Before you can expect to make any positive changes in behavior, you have to make sure your son's "love cup" is filled up. We went through this too when our 2nd was born. My oldest is a real physical touch person. I started having "snuggle time" with him the minute he woke up. So he got 1-on-1 time with me first thing of the day.

If you have time, you might want to read the book 5 Love Languages for Children, it will help you figure out what things you do make your son feel loved the most- so you are not wasting your precious time on other things!

Hang in there, it will definitely get better! I didn't have time to read your other post about pumping, but the things that made it bearable for me were: Not washing the parts every time - just stick them in a ziploc in the fridge and re-use all day, get an adapter cable (and a pumping bra) so you can pump while driving.

-Kim

[justincase]

When ever he threw something or made a mess or whatever, I started asking him to be my special "big boy" helper... I hope I was able to help in some small way!
In some small way?! You all helped so much! The "not alone" feeling I get reading your responses is so valuable to me. As for the helper thing, I do this and should remember to do it more, as DS loves loves loves "his baby" and asks, no, *pleads* all day long to help change her diaper, feed her, show her toys, "read" to her. I don't make enough use of this. Thanks for the reminder!


Before you can expect to make any positive changes in behavior, you have to make sure your son's "love cup" is filled up. We went through this too when our 2nd was born. My oldest is a real physical touch person. I started having "snuggle time" with him the minute he woke up. So he got 1-on-1 time with me first thing of the day. If you have time, you might want to read the book 5 Love Languages for Children, it will help you figure out what things you do make your son feel loved the most- so you are not wasting your precious time on other things!
It's so funny you say this, as we use the expression "love tank" to mean the same thing. I haven't read the book and definitely don't have time right now :dizzy: but I know what you mean. DS responds best to physical affection, too, and in fact I used to snuggle with him first thing in the morning every single day. But while I was in the hospital he got used to DH doing it and now he tells me go away, he wants Daddy. Understandable but tough, right? And the second best thing he responds to is, like I said, being a helper. So I need to keep making chances for snuggles and helping.

Keep the good vibes coming my way. After a quiet day at home with DD and a tiny nap I feel like a new woman. Off to pick up DS and have some snuggle time!

[brittone2]

Before you can expect to make any positive changes in behavior, you have to make sure your son's "love cup" is filled up. We went through this too when our 2nd was born. My oldest is a real physical touch person. I started having "snuggle time" with him the minute he woke up. So he got 1-on-1 time with me first thing of the day.

If you have time, you might want to read the book 5 Love Languages for Children, it will help you figure out what things you do make your son feel loved the most- so you are not wasting your precious time on other things!

Hang in there, it will definitely get better! I didn't have time to read your other post about pumping, but the things that made it bearable for me were: Not washing the parts every time - just stick them in a ziploc in the fridge and re-use all day, get an adapter cable (and a pumping bra) so you can pump while driving.

-Kim
nak-

ITA. The periods where DS's behavior has been the most challenging have been the periods of time where he needed to connect. If you can find a way to fill up his cup...or have grandparents, etc. spend more one on one w/ him, etc.

I believe in enforcing boundaries, but I think during times of crisis you may find it is better to pick your battles. Put the relationship first, IMO. Make it safe for him to say he doesn't like the baby, doesn't like the changes in your life/lives, etc. Let him know it is okay to feel that way. Maybe give him special "babying". Look at pics of him as a baby...show him how you rocked and fed him and held him lots.