My dream is over. How to move on?

[MNmomtobe]

.............

[kayte]

First off I am so sorry you are going through this. It took years for us to get DD-- almost 5. I had to go through meds, surgeries, induced menopause, wrapped ovaries, IUI, IVF, etc... It was so difficult. And you feel so alone, even though you are not. Hugs to you.

Something in your post did stick out to me...


I wanted to give DD the best life and that included wanting to give her a sibling. Her cousins are all much older than her and live far away. I also didn't want her to deal with aging parents in the future on her own. My good friend recently lost her mother and had her 3 sisters and 1 brother to lean on and help with any decisions regarding her care.

She is always begging to play with her friends across the street. This couple has 3 daughters. I know she have more friends as she enters school but friends aren't the same as family, KWIM?


I had two thoughts --are you giving her your best when you continuing to pursue this? Think your emotions, your finances and the stability of your relationship. I do realize that coming to grips with changing the vision for what you saw your complete family being is a difficult task and I am not trying to be flip. But I think it is something you may really need to consider trying to think about and maybe try a therapist to see if they can help you work through it.

DH and I came to the decision to stop at one--which was right for us (and ultimately may not for you) But I can tell you it was a difficult place to get to there. We have received so much grieve from others-- citing exactly the same issues you did--care for us when we are older, need for family companionship, that she would be spoiled, etc... It made me have have so much self-doubt. I started to do some research -- I also discussed it here-- and received some positive (and negative) feedback about having a family with one child. One member suggested this book

http://www.amazon.com/Future-Your-Only-Child-Successful/dp/1403984174/ref=sr_1_10?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1240666524&sr=8-10

Which dispelled a lot of the myths about an only. (though I do think you need a little more emotional distancing before you read it)

And another one was this one, which I also found interesting

http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Only-Child-Challenges-Raising/dp/0767906292/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1240666621&sr=8-1

It has taken me a long while (DD is now three) to really come to peace and embrace the way our family feels and looks as a three-some. But I am at peace. I do wish that for you and your family whatever the future holds for you.

[Wife_and_mommy]

I couldn't read and not post.

I've never been through true infertility but wanted to send you a strong hug. I'm so sorry it's not worked out how you wanted. :hug:

I pray in time you can forgive your DH for his part. We all do what we can with the information we have. It's so hard to look back with 20/20 and think about how we should have chosen differently. I've done that and it just makes me torture myself.

[GlindaGoodWitch]

I don't know what to say other than I know the sheer torture that is infertility.

Please remember that you have put your mind and body through a great deal. This IS a loss for you and should be treated as such. In other words - grieve.

Please be careful about how much blame you assign to DH... For the sake of your DD, I would seek out a professional for you & DH to talk to.

[lizajane]

i am so sorry. hugs.

[wellyes]

I'm glad you wrote this out, it is part of the grieving process - grief for the choices you wanted that did not work out. I'm sorry. I'm glad you have such a wonderful daughter, and I don't mean that in the "you should be grateful for what you have" sense, either. You are going through so much stress right now, especially with your husband's unemployment. So it is good that you have such a source of joy. It is a very hard season for you. I truly hope things brighten for you soon.

[Rainbows&Roses]

I understand. I don't think I will ever forgive my DH for the year or so he wasted not wanting to try as my biological clock was ticking.

I felt exactly the same as you about wanting to give my DD a sibling and thought my DH was being incredibly selfish especially considering how he touts the importance of his own 4 siblings and we too are older parents.

It broke my heart every time my DD would come to me and say she wished she had another kid to play with. My DH never had to hear this. I just broke into a crying fit over this the night before Easter even though I had thought I moved past it since she will go to school next year and is already 5 so a sibling now wouldn't be the same thing.

I suppose there is a slim chance though I am missing a tube and over 40, so I don't hold out much hope. I think time is the only thing that helped me.

Again though, I don't think I will ever forgive my DH for that time the we lost due to his selfishness. The anger does subside and it is not something that will end our marriage if it hasn't already. If you can't get past it, then maybe try counseling and potentially even couples therapy. We did couples therapy when I was at my angriest and even though this was not discussed (it was not issue-based therapy) or the reason for going, it did help us/me.

I hope that you find some peace and maybe, just maybe a little miracle.

[TwinFoxes]

This is such a painful situation. I really feel for you. I agree with pps that counseling is a good idea. It would just be horrible if this anger at having your dream end threatened your marriage.

If nothing else, it may help you to understand your husband's viewpoint. Obviously I don't know you or him, but is it possible it wasn't selfishness, but something else? I have a friend who went through a similar situation as you, except she had an ectopic pregnancy that ruptured and almost killed her. They then went through IVF several times. They took a break after one ended in a chemical pregnancy. Her husband kept dragging his feet, as she approached and then passed 40. Finally it came out that her husband was having a hard time watching her go through everything. He was the one who had to sit outside the OR while she had emergency surgery for her ectopic, he was the one who had to give her the shots during IVF, and he was the one who had to console her when their IVF cycles didn't work.

I guess I'm saying, counseling might help you see your DH's viewpoint. And he might understand how devastated you are. I hope you are able to find peace.

[MNmomtobe]

I had two thoughts --are you giving her your best when you continuing to pursue this? Think your emotions, your finances and the stability of your relationship. I do realize that coming to grips with changing the vision for what you saw your complete family being is a difficult task and I am not trying to be flip. But I think it is something you may really need to consider trying to think about and maybe try a therapist to see if they can help you work through it.



THE ABOVE IS quote from kayte: I know. I feel that I have not been the best mom emotionally for DD lately. However, I can't help feeling that my family is not yet complete. I know that may sound terrible. Thank you so much for sharing your infertility experiences. It helps to know someone understands.




It broke my heart every time my DD would come to me and say she wished she had another kid to play with. My DH never had to hear this. I just broke into a crying fit over this the night before Easter even though I had thought I moved past it since she will go to school next year and is already 5 so a sibling now wouldn't be the same thing.



Sorry don't know if I'm doing the quote thing correctly. This is to Rainbows and Roses for the above quote. Thank you for your post and sharing your similar experiences. This is what I fear too that DD will soon ask (she is almost 3) if she can have a brother or sister. It breaks my heart to see her look out the living room window and ask if she can go to her friend's house (she lives across from us) then cry when she can't.




If nothing else, it may help you to understand your husband's viewpoint. Obviously I don't know you or him, but is it possible it wasn't selfishness, but something else? I have a friend who went through a similar situation as you, except she had an ectopic pregnancy that ruptured and almost killed her. They then went through IVF several times. They took a break after one ended in a chemical pregnancy. Her husband kept dragging his feet, as she approached and then passed 40. Finally it came out that her husband was having a hard time watching her go through everything. He was the one who had to sit outside the OR while she had emergency surgery for her ectopic, he was the one who had to give her the shots during IVF, and he was the one who had to console her when their IVF cycles didn't work.

I guess I'm saying, counseling might help you see your DH's viewpoint.



To TwinFoxes for the above: The reason why I feel DH is being selfish is because he has said how difficult DD is to take care of and to add another? She is 2! Of course she is at a challenging stage right now. I feel that he didn't want another because if would make things harder for HIM. He wasn't thinking of DD.
He actually vented to me last week right before egg retrieval that all I ever talk about is IVF and I don't care about what is important to HIM- getting new windows and siding for the house and a new kitchen. This is what he wants to use the remainder of the money for that we got from our refinance. He was angry that I didn't seem interested in which color siding would look best or whatever. He has been on the phone with several siding contractors to give us estimates. DID I MENTION THAT HE IS UNEMPLOYED???? Then he seemed angry when I mentioned doing the siding/windows was ok but maybe holding off on the kitchen remodel until he was employed. I thought we agreed on the whole kitchen thing before we signed our IVF contract.

SOOOO....he is equating my need for another child to his need in making our decent looking house look better. Our conversations lately would go something like this- me: "so I had 6 follicles on the ultrasound today. Last time at this time I had about 12". His response: "Oh, BTW, there is a guy coming out to measure our windows tomorrow morning
." You get the gist. Selfish.

ETA: Sorry, I did the quotes are not clear on this post. Also to say a heartfelt thank you to you wonderful ladies for your kind words. It does help to vent a bit. :)

[ha98ed14]

My heart goes out to you. You are really suffering. I'm so sorry for your loss. I have no experience, so I won't pretend to know how you feel. The only thing that jumped out at me from your post was this:

You say you fear your anger at DH will drive you appart and part of your desire for a second child was so that DD would have a sibling. Perhaps you could look at trying/ working to forgive DH as a gift you would be giving to your daughter. If you and DH did split, DD would not just be without a sibling, she would be without her parents together under the same roof. That seems to me as much or more of a loss for her than not having a sibling. I don't mean to minimize your suffering. Clearly, your H has his head up his @$$. But going to counseling and working to keep your marriage together is also a gift you give DD, as much as a sibling would be. I believe being shuttled between two households alone would make for a very loney childhood. I am speaking from my experience as a child of divorce. I'm sending up some P&PTs for you and your family.

[TwinFoxes]

Wow. Well, I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, but well, he does sound selfish, or least completely clueless.

If nothing else, know that we're pulling for you and we are here for venting purposes!

[erosenst]

I've only skimmed the prior post, and you've gotten some good advice.

To shorten a longer story, I had DD when I was 43, via IVF. I was lucky - we got married when I was 42, and lived in a large city where my OB knew that we didn't have time to waste...and I worked with a great clinic. We did two IUI's (one resulted in m/c at 9+ weeks; one was not successful) before the IVF. We elected not to try IVF again because of the risks - there was a 1 in 13 chance of genetic defects with Abby, and the odds would be worse with a second. (Because I was even older.) Even though DH agreed with the decision, there are times it's still tough (I would prefer not to have an only) - but it was the best decision for all three of us, and I know that and am at peace with it.

Having given all of that as background, you're clearly in a different place about this. I'm a frequent poster on a board for women who have had fertility issues - and many of them have sought counselling for, and benefitted greatly from, therapy. If you're in a metropolitan area, your clinic can likely refer you to someone who specializes in working with people who have fertility issues. I'd call Monday. Don't put it off longer.

Hugs from here - it's tough not having control....

Emily

[MNmomtobe]

erosenst: Thank you for your reply. I have been going to a counselor for the past few months due to my issues with fertility and depression amongst other things.
I like your suggestion to see a counselor that deals specifically with infertility.

My RE's office called this afternoon to set up my follow-up appt to discuss future plans or just to achieve some closure.

DH insisted on coming with which really surprised me. We had a long talk this afternoon. I think he was pretty much stunned when this cycle didn't work. He just assumed it would based on the fact that it did last time (although I was quite a bit younger) and the fact that our embryos looked so darn good. So I am hopeful we can try and work through this and we can be more in sync with our future plans.

Thanks again everyone for listening. :) You are all pretty terrific!

[MamaMolly]

I'm so, so sorry that you are going through this. It never is easy, is it? We also struggled with IF for 8 years and finally did IVF for DD when I was 35+ (almost 36). When we went to try again for #2 DH wanted to do IUI, and I agreed because we'd done it my way the first time. So we tried IUI in a different country (here in the US), different doctor, different treatment, and had 2 failed IUIs. I'm also working through my anger at DH for insisting on a treatment plan that I feel was a waste of time and money.

Because we did IUI, I have also aged out of the IVF warranty program. :(

I know I don't have it in me to do another round of IUI. I can't take the mood swings, the weight gain, and the depression when I come off the hormones is crushing. I have really searched my heart and I'm willing to do IVF one more time but then I'm done. I can't justify the expense of going on and on with it. And by expense I mean the money and also the emotional investment.

We got very, very lucky with DD when I got pregnant on our first IVF attempt. I think that DH has had a hard time this go-round and has been really disappointed that IUI hasn't worked. He felt we didn't need 'all that intervention' When we did IVF. What ever. Clearly, we did. (Oh, and to prove he can also be the worlds most clueless self centered a$$hole, he told me this the night before I did my egg retrevial. After I'd given myself 4 shots a day for 11 days. 44 shots later and you don't think we need to do this???? Shots which I had to do because the needles 'freaked him out'. )

I'm also coming to terms with the idea that DD *may* be our only. I'm testing how I feel about it, and I agree with the PP who said that it IS something to grieve and mourn. It is a terrible disappointment. One that people who can easily have babies don't get. It is the difference between deciding you don't want another and being told you can't have another.

You are not alone, and like the PP said, I'll pray for a little miracle for both of us! I wish you peace,

[jren]

I'm so sorry your IVF cycle failed! We had 3 failed cycles (due to no eggs) - IF stinks, and put a big strain on our marriage. It's hard when they seem so detached from it all. Hoping your DH agrees to another try and for a +++.

We finally adopted our DD 5 years ago. We just assumed she'd be an only. But recently adopted our DS. Having them 5 years apart has worked really well for us. I am older mom, too. So, I don't know, maybe try not to think that this is your only, last chance ever. You never know what the future will bring...

[BTW, I'm not implying that you should "just adopt", that always bugged me when I was going through IF treatments. Adoption isn't any easier or less expensive than IF treatments, just different. But if you did decide to go that route one day, there are ways to avoid the fears you have of a birthmom changing her mind. Our DS wasn't placed with us until after birthmom's parental rights were terminated when he was 3 days old.]

[ECMom]

[QUOTE=MNmomtobe;2357675]I wanted to give DD the best life and that included wanting to give her a sibling. Her cousins are all much older than her and live far away. I also didn't want her to deal with aging parents in the future on her own. QUOTE]

I am so sorry you are going through this. Hugs to you.

I've travelled that infertility road as well. It took me just over 3 yrs to get pregnant with my second. At the time we started, I could have written what you said above. I finally had my DD at 41.5, almost 6.5 yrs after my son. This was after a miscarriage; 4 failed IUI's; endometreosis surgery; borderline insanity; divorce request; counselling; depression meds; 3 month battle with the insurance company for IVF approval; one failed IVF; and a 2nd sucessful IVF that I didn't want to do but my husband talked me into.

I am grateful for my DD but I can honestly say that if I had to go through it again I would not. The emotional strain on me as well as the strain on my marriage was way, way too much. I really thought I would go insane. Now I worry about dying before she turns 18 so it's a never ending cycle.

Go to conseling with your husband. Find out why he stalled and focused on other things. There's got to be a reason behind it. Maybe he couldn't bear further disappointment and avoidance was his way of dealing with it. Discuss your feelings. Spend lots of quality time with your DD and go out with your friends. Mine have been a godsend for me. Good luck and keep us posted on how you are doing.

[Piglet]

I am an only as a result of infertility. I wanted a sibling very badly when I was younger. My parents wanted to give the sibling so badly wen I was younger. The amazing thing is that they never revealed this feeling until I had a child of my own. I had absolutely no clue that my parents wanted anything more than 1. I grew up feeling so full of love and security that it never occurred to me that my parents mourned their inability to have more kids. The best thing about my relationship with my parents is the coseness we share that I don't see with larger families. I always had my parents attention (for better or worse) and today I am best friends with my dad. We really have the most special relationship and I can't imagine it any other way. Best of all for my parents is that I have 3 kids and they are living their dream of having more kids through me. They are gettin to have more kids, but in a different way. We all go camping together and they come with us on family vacations. They are having a blast - it is just one generation removed.

[Kungjo]

I am so sorry that you are experiencing this right now. My heart goes out to you. I had some infertility issues, so I know how bad it feels to want a child and can't have one naturally. Hurt even more to see my friends and cousins get pregnant rather easily.

It's okay to grieve, but it's not okay to resent your DH and not be able to get over it with time. Definitely get counseling because you have to get over this resentment toward your DH. It's not healthy for your DD to grow up in this environment and would be even more upsetting for her if you two end up getting a divorce over this.

You love your child unconditionally. That's the best gift you can give her. Don't feel that you shortchanged her by not giving her a sibling. As long as she is well loved and adjusted, she will be okay. If the need to parent another child is something that you feel that you can never get over, then perhaps you can look into adoption? I'm not saying this lightly. Before we had our DDs, we seriously considered adoption as an option. To me, being a parent is more than just carrying a baby to term. That is much easier than raising the child to adulthood.

Sending P&PTs your way. Please come to the boards as often as you need to vent and grieve. We're all here to support however we can. HUGS!

[blisstwins]

It took me years to get pregnant and I was lucky to have twins via IVF. It was a long and awful road and during it my marriage was strained. Everything was strained. Going through IF was just about the most painful experience of my life--those years were so dark and so sad. I wish I had been able to find a better way to live through it, but I think it consumes you by its very nature. I will say this--there is a reason the national IF support group is called RESOLVE. The idea is that no matter how your family building ends you will resolve this period of your life. We went to group couseling/support through resolve and it was wonderful. Also, your husband sounds selfish, but honestly, focusing on what he can control might be part of it. He could be scared too or unwilling to feel the uncertainty and pain that continuing to cycle brings. It is really not simlpe and for your sake, your children's sake, and the sake of your future try not to judge and see if you can work through this together. Ali DOmar has some books that might be helpful. Wishing you peace and joy.

[ged]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I feel the same dissapointment with having only 1 child, and my DD (just turned 4) is often asking for a sibling. It does break my heart, but slowly, I am learning to not let my ideals ruin the moment (but it is still a daily battle at this point). All the best to you and your family, and thank you for sharing. Some of us can relate, to one degree or another, and I know we all support you completely.

[marge234]

A TERRIFIC site. Very helpful on the technical side of dealing with IF--people share their experiences with clinics, which is helpful because quality is a mystery in this industry. And phenomenal on the support side as well.

[Carrots]

I will say this--there is a reason the national IF support group is called RESOLVE. The idea is that no matter how your family building ends you will resolve this period of your life.

:yeahthat:

I completely agre with this.

If you haven't already, check out Resolve . com and their BBs. I am well aquainted with IF, unfortunately and am a regular on the BBs. All of us there are trying desperately to "resolve" our family building, whether it be undergoing treatments, filing for adoption, living child free, taking a break or parenting after IF.

Many hugs to you.

[MNmomtobe]

Thank you Mamamolly for sharing your story. Nothing worse than wishing you could go back in time and make the decisions that we feel now should have been so clear back then. I will also pray for the miracle for both of us. Thank you. :)

For those who have said not to resent my husband, I am hearing you but it is difficult not to do in my situation. A little bit of support from him would have meant so much to me and eased my anxiety during my last cycle (no, I am not blaming him that the cycle didn't work).

Also, I mentioned how surprised I was that he wanted to accompany me during my post-cycle RE visit. Well, it turns out his intention was to be there to prevent the RE from talking me into another cycle, not to be there as any kind of support for me.
We started talking about the appt yesterday and I said, well he is going to ask us what our plans are so we should probably have some idea (I also didn't want this appt to drag on and on as I am sneaking off to this appt during my lunchbreak from work).

DH said "well, he will probably start spouting statistics on how our chances would improve for a 2nd cycle (to get our money)". Why would we throw more money at him when there is no guarantee?" I was enraged at this point. First of all, I wanted to do the warranty program in the first place when I was still eligible! But DH was SOO convinced it would work the first cycle. I actually started to believe it. Now after our first failed cycle, DH sits there talking as if it will NEVER work and actually said to me "I don't know if you will ever know when to stop." Second of all, I am so tired at him (maybe this is illogical) for NEVER thinking with his heart. Everything has to be black and white with him. He wants a guaranteed return on his "investment". Gee, we could have had something similar to that with a warranty program.

Anway, I lost it and said "Oh of course. One thing that we do know for SURE is- if you pay for siding (for the house), you WILL get siding."

He was livid after I said this (I couldn't care less at this point as I am fed up with his insensitivity on this whole matter of infertility) and we stopped talking.

I have suggested counseling for him for years. Also for us. He will NEVER agree to this. EVER. Sorry, but he has always been pigheaded. I am tired of being married to a robot.

I have already sought individual counseling for me, but sometimes I think what is the point? Why am I always having to compromise my attitude, my views, my opinions, just so I can be accepting of someone who won't change a thing? Why is this so one-sided?

[MNmomtobe]

A TERRIFIC site. Very helpful on the technical side of dealing with IF--people share their experiences with clinics, which is helpful because quality is a mystery in this industry. And phenomenal on the support side as well.

I have been to this site many times. Thank you. It is a wonderful resource. :)

[crazydiamond]

We had to go through 3 IVF cycles at 41 before succeeding. Lots of fine tuning took place during the first two tries to get the protocols right. We were lucky that we were able to have insurance to cover most of the procedures and drugs - and - could afford the extra uninsured high tech procedure to minimize the risks of genetic defects and possible loss at our ages. We will try one more time in an other year.

Another web site for you to check out for support and information:

http://www3.fertilethoughts.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=4

[KrisM]

I have no advice. Just wanted to add some hugs. :grouphug: I am sorry.

[SASM]

I am so sorry that you are going through this very difficult time. Embrace your precious DD and thank God that He gave you this beautiful MIRACLE. HUGE HUGE HUGE hugs to you, mama.

[MamaMolly]

Hey, FWIW if you live in Maryland insurance *has* to pay for infertility treatment by law. And if you work in VA in Fairfax County school system they offer infertility treatment insurance. Believe me, I've considered either moving or going back to work.

Just thought I'd put this out there in case it might ever help anyone.

[stillplayswithbarbies]

even in states where insurance is mandated by law to pay for infertility, there are exceptions. If your company is self-insured, they are exempt from the law. (you wouln't know this unless you ask your benefits coordinator) And the law usually has a cut off age, just about the age that most people need medical interventions.