bitch/vent mil, brother, etc.

[malphy]

I am going to vent here and I am sure i will get flamed because it is not going to be nice. If I dont vent it somewhere I am going to go crazy.

I have a mil that is okay. I know how to deal w/her type (sneaky, 2-faced, nosybody). The problem is she has an illness that is slowly killing her. she has had the disease since I have know dh (23 years). It is painful and limits her in many ways and I constantly wonder how she is still alive. I feel very bad about her illness and her suffering so it makes it impossible for me to bitch about her other ways.

She needs help cooking etc and insists you do it her way. exactly her way. even to the way you stir things in the pot. She drives everyone crazy! We help you but we do it our way not your way. Sorry, we are not you. she also complains all the time about her illness. I mean constantly, the same thing over and over. She makes you feel awful. This has been going on since I have known her and I have no sympathy left.

I am more like a cat. I hide my discomfort as much as possible because I don't want others to feel bad. My mom was the same way. She died a miserable death herself from emphysema and it was hard as we got closer to the end. The difference is my mom didn't complain about it very often. My mom and i are very similar in that regard. I have a brother who is just like my mil and I have no patience for him either. All he does is complain and talk at inapproprate times about bodily functions.

Seriously, who wants to hear about your watery diahreah when they are about to eat a forkful of dinner.???!!!! (mil does this every single time we sit down to eat)

I wish God would end their suffering already. I know that sounds bad but it is hard to see them suffering, hard to feel so guilty because you are tired of hearing them complain incessantly. It is like our lives have a constant pall. We can't be happy, we cant be carefree, we cant just be a family (me, dh & dd) with our own problems --and believe me we have many.

i tell everyone i know that if I get like that I will euthanize myself. I would never want to put others thru what i have gone thru.

Im tired of the guilt, the sadness, resentment, anger and that there is no place (other than here and a Dr's office) that we can voice these feelings.

Thanks for listening , I am sure I have not made myself too clear but I am rushing. DD doesn't let me take too much time from her.

[JTsMom]

I really can't imagine anyone is going to flame you for that. It sounds terribly frustrating, and I'm sure it would wear on anyone. :hug:-

[ha98ed14]

Just sending you a hug. FWIW, I think your feelings are legit and would probably feel the same way if faced with what you are dealing with.

[elliput]

No flames here. You sound extremely frustrated and sometimes getting it out on paper or on screen helps.

Any chance you can tell off your MIL next time she starts complaining? :wink2: I am sure it is tempting.

[ladysoapmaker]

Just hang in there. A friend of mine had a mil very similar. Everything that came out of that woman's mouth was a complaint. I do not know how Elspeth dealt with her. She basically took care of her mil the last 2 years of mil's life. I consider her a saint. Sometimes a board like this is the safest place to vent.

[mamaoftwins]

Big hugs. I am sorry - this sounds like such a frustrating (huge understatement - but can't think of a better word) situation.

It sounds like you spend a ton of time with MIL. Maybe you can decrease that a bit? Maybe one day on the weekend, have your own 'family time'? Just you, DD & DH - no answering the phone, no dealing with other people's issues.

I can feel your pain a bit - my father is bipolar and very sick. He has been in treatment for 5yrs and it is not helping - has tried to commit suicide twice. He is a HUGE drain on me emotionally (and physically). I am at the point where I do not answer the phone if I do not feel up to dealing with it. (I started this while on bedrest with my twins - talking to my dad made me upset and made me have contractions - BAD). I even had DH talk to him at times and tell him I was asleep. Taking time away from the situation has helped somewhat.

:hug:

[mommylamb]

Agreed with all the other posters. The fact is, being sick or old doesn't give someone a free pass to be mean. It's ok to be frustrated and irritated.

[KBecks]

I think there is a way to tell her in a way that is not angry. I am sorry it sounds like a very awful time. You should cook the way you cook and you know you can tell her in a nice way to let you cook and remind her that you know how to stir a pot. She sounds like a very controlling person and that she's gotten her way a long time.

I think I might try to find other topics to talk about and ignore nearly everything she says. I think you need to survive the visits as best you can. Perhaps a version of pass the potatoes will work for you. Have you heard of that one? When people tell you what to do, change the subject.... talk about the grandchildren.

It sounds terrible and I'm sorry to hear that. Are you living with her? I hope that you can find ways to have happy and carefree times and enjoy yourself.

[malphy]

We have all(her dc, dh and myself) nicely and not so nicely that she needs to let us help her the way we can.

Now she is saying she wants to die. I don't blame her considering her condition but it is like she is saying it to torture everyone else. I mean, all you have to do is look at her and see she must be suffering but , no she must give you the running commentary of every miserable minute of her day.


I just can't take it and I only see her once a week. While this is going on my bro is the same with his commentary of bodily functions but his tack is woe is me, woe is me. That has been his whole life.

One of my other sibs died in hospice and i was running long distance to try to help her. This was before dd. My siblings think i am the only one that can do anything. They have no idea what my life is like. I don't broadcast it for the world and don't expect anyone else but dh and myself to be responsible for me. I am the youngest and none of them did anything for me but they expect me to take care of them in their old age and need.

Nobody helps me w/dd, I have no break whatsoever, dh tries but due to medical issues he cannot do much. I have several medical issues of my own but I look much better than I feel so I guess that means I can help everyone else.

WTF!!!! I just want to scream.

[KBecks]

You need a vacation. How about letting your relatives fend for themselves? Your DH can go visit his mom alone.

[StantonHyde]

It is ok to let people know that you have problems too. You will NOT get what you do not ask for!! So start setting limits--limit phone calls (# and amount of time), limit visits (# and amount of time). Walk out of the room when they start complaining--I do it with my dad ALL the time. They don't care--they just want t hear their own voices.

Don't argue with them--agree with them. "Yes, I can understand why you would want to die". Might shut her up for a little bit.

Talk to a therapist about developing some coping skills for your specific situation. When my mom died 3 years ago, it took me 6 mos of therapy to deal with my grief and another 12 months to deal with my jerk dad's behavior!!! The biggest thing to work on is detachment. Sometimes I am very, very good at it and sometimes I just can't swing it. It is sort of like dealing with a toddler: ignore, distract, set limits. So with cooking--just keep doing what you are doing and act like you don't hear her, set her up somewhere besides the kitchen when you are cooking. Change the subject--that's a classic one and it works really well. Set limits--stand up for yourself.

I will say one good thing about the "tapes". My dad will just launch into "lecture #34" and it is the same word. for. word. everytime!! Instead of going crazy, now I tell myself that I can turn off my listening ears and just let him go because I have heard this conversation before. I literally sit on the couch with a magazine and put the phone on the couch. I keep one ear open for a pause, then I pick up the phone and say "hmm" and put the phone back down. My dad can go for a good 30-45 minutes like that and it is easier on me!! I have a friend who has her husband listen to the conversation and he just hands her the phone to say "hmm" so she doesn't have to listen to the bs!

Big, big hugs to you--family members can suck you dry. See a therapist and learn what coping skills work for you--it really does help!