How do I stop the fighting???

[swampnurse]

I have two generally very well behaved children. I am the envy of many friends b/c my kids behave so well in public. In July my son will be 5 and my daughter will be 2. BUT at home, they fight over EVERYTHING! I am an only child and was not prepared for this and have no experience of my own to draw from nor is my mom any help. I know that this is pretty normal, but it is driving me CRAZY!

What do you do when your kids fight over an object? I read that taking it away doesn't solve anything, but when i make them take turns they just keep asking "When is it my turn again". ARGH!

They both have to be first out the door, into the car, inb the tub, out of the tub..etc., Everything is a competition. My son is pretty sensitive and usually cries. My daughter is scrappy and screams.

I just want to lock myself in the bathroom and let them duke it out! Please give this poor only child some hints to keep the peace around here. Being an only child has been terrible for me (not so much as a child, but now as an adult) and i wanted more than one child because of the way i feel about this, but I am unprepared for the battles! Help!!!

[TwinFoxes]

Oh dear, I don't have any suggestions, just sympathy. My brother and I were EXACTLY like you describe (except I was the youngest and the sensitive one.) Don't worry we grew out of it...once I left for college. ;)

One thing my mom did that I remember working was if we had to split a piece of something, like cake or whatever, one of us would split it, the other got to pick the piece. No complaining over "he got the bigger piece" that way. That's the only real advice I have...

[HIU8]

DS and DD fight at times over toys and such. DD is almost 2 and DS is 4.5. DD is a brute and DS is very sensitive. If they are fighting over something I have a couple of things I do:

1) We use an egg timer and take turns (that works well with them).
2) Take the object away and explain why. They usually end up talking and playing together with something else.
3) I do make the one who provokes apologize to the other one.
4) I use timeout on the naughty step for DD. She is at an age where it works.
5) with DS I have gotten to the point where I can sit him down and explain things to him and give him choices so he feels like he has some control (but he has to pick from my choices).

So far these things are working for us.

[swampnurse]

Oops, DD will be 3, not 2.

[ladysoapmaker]

I have 4 kids. 12, 8, 5, 1 yrs old. Of course it's the older ones that generally get into the arguments. A lot of it is the older doesn't want the younger around but the younger idolizes the older and so follows them every where. When things get really bad I send them all to their own rooms (so far I can do that 1 yr old still sleeps in my room. I just love breastfeeding) and tell them they can not play with each other the rest of the day. Generally they are all playing nice and quietly with in the half hour and I say not a word. Also during the summer I send them outside a lot. and tell them to work it out. The oldest actually has started to play mediator and has become very good at it unless he's mad at DS#2.

[Jen841]

I will be watching this for suggestions. I confess to taking the object of the fight from them, and it 'disappearing' for a bit if they can't settle it. Mine are almost 6 and almost 4. The rainy day yesterday at my at my breaking point. I put in a movie and took my agression out by cleaning the bathroom. I spent yesterday playing referee.

Good luck. I keep thinking this has to be a stage. Saturday they were so nice, kinds and shared... Sunday was a different story.

At the end of the day I pour myself a glass of vino b/c I kept sane.

[Twoboos]

It is so hard!! I also use the egg timer for taking turns. DDs will sometimes bring it to me if they are starting to fight over something. :)

I have also tried to have them talk about how they could work it out, before I take the toy away. Usually give them 2-3mins (egg timer) to see if they can solve it themselves before the toy is gone. So-so success w/this.

Something I read (probably here!) about the being first to the door/in the car/ etc. You could say even days for one child and odd days for the other, so they are taking turns each day. Not sure if it will work, I've not tried it here. On the months w/31 days (which would make 2 odd days in a row) I think they said the mommy gets to be first.

GL!

[Melaine]

We are dealing with this big time (I need to go back and read all the responses for ideas myself). I have gotten fed up lately and started doing one of two things.
"If you can't agree, the toy goes in time out"
2 minute timer, then switch off. If I get attitude, then you go in time out. I am definitely finding that having a very few toys out at a time works better for us, but it totally depends. I am big on avoiding the problem to begin with, so if someone gives us a toy that I think will cause sharing issues, I get rid of it. We have two of everything or it goes bye-bye.
In reading the responses, we are pretty much doing the stuff that HIU8 said.

[calv]

no idea but we're going through the same crap! my kids get along really well but you know when/how this all started? When my oldest started school! Everything is a huge competition, like you said, who eats first, who goes to the potty first, who gets read to first at bedtime. Drives us nuts!!!!!!!!! Off to learn/read the suggestions/replies.

[Mirthful]

"If you can't agree, the toy goes in time out"
2 minute timer, then switch off.

This is us too!! I even say it like that =)

For the sharing thing, the one that wants the toy is supposed to ask the original possessor, very politely, "Can I have <the toy> in 2 minutes?" What I like about not using a timer (which I will resort to if necessary) is that often the first child gives it up before the two minutes is fully up.

Also, what I've done with some success (except of course when it's almost dinnertime) is when one comes to complain about the other, I tell them, "I don't like tattling. Please go and try to work it out yourself. If Mommy has to come referee, the toy is going into time-out." (Just want to clarify that this is if I have been listening to the bickering and already know that someone isn't hurting the other and nothing dangerous is going on.) I have actually heard DD1 say to DD2 "Okay, okay, let's find a solution, we have to share or mommy will take it away."

So, it's not so much that the taking the toy away solves the problem, it's that the fact they know I WILL take it away motivates them to solve the problem. Does that make sense?

[Meatball Mommie]

I just have to chime in and say "me too" :) I am an only child as well, my mom is deceased, so definitely no help from that angle. I have 2 boys, ages 5-3/4 and 4 (20 mo apart) and they, too, fight a lot. Not so much about being first (out the door, to the car, in their seat) but they went through that phase at one point so I know what you mean.

I completely understand what you mean about wanting to lock yourself in the bathroom when it happens and just let it work itself out. I want to do that too!!!! I HATE the bickering more than even whining! I just don't have any tools to deal with it all!

I wanted to tell you that I just (as in yesterday) started reading a book that is helping me understand myself with respect to parenting in general (not just with the bickering). It's called "Setting Limits: How to raise responsible, independent, children by providing clear boudaries". So far it's really interesting and I'm realizing that how I deal with the boys when they test limits or bicker or behave badly is not working (well, I knew that already, but now I'm understanding why). I think it would be helpful for a lot of people to read this book. It's all about following through with preset consequences when limits are tested, and there are lots of scenarios (just as bickering over a toy) that are addressed in the book.

[swampnurse]

Thanks for all your helpful hints. I will just keep plugging away and try to stay out of the bathroom! :)