Kids 18mo apart- need reassurance

[Beckylove]

We just found out we are expecting baby #2. It is a surprise and I am excited but freaking out. I have a serious planner personality and am having a hard time with the fact that they will be so close together in age.

My worries are:
1. DS#1 doesn't get to be a baby anymore when baby #2 comes because I will need/force him to be more independent when I have baby #2 to deal with.
2. DS#1 won't have special big boy things he gets to do first, because with 2 you will just have the kids do things together.
3. Baby #2 will get to school maybe only 1 year after DS#1 and will be treated/expected to be just like DS#1- same biases or expectations.
4. Constant comparisons.
5. How do I allow them to develop individual interests and personalities when they get treated as a group by me and others.

I know there are pro and cons to all different family structures. I may be irrationally concerned because this isn't what I thought I wanted (and preggo hormones).

I would love some BTDT from those of you who grew up with siblings close in age and those who have kiddos 18mo apart. How valid are my concerns? How do you address them? What are some of the benefits that I am not thinking of yet?

[WatchingThemGrow]

first, congratulations!!! We have 2 just under 18 mos apart and the 3rd will be just over 18 mos younger than the middle one. Not sure I can answer your questions, but my older one LOVES the younger one. They have such fun playing together, and it cracks me up that I can move clothes directly from one drawer, to the other. They really are different in the ways they approach situations, and they have different personalities. I think mothers of multiples worry about the "group" thing, but I really don't.

Because our kids are close together, we can enjoy - a relatively similar schedule, "family time" Kindermusik classes together, eating the same meals most of the time, playing with the same toys, having the same bedtime, etc. It really is convenient and pretty fun.

I look forward to reading the other replies-- for ideas. Really, I was way more worried than I needed to be. Not sure if I should be worried about having 3 so close together, but I think we'll be okay there too.

The BIGGEST thing that made/is making me nuts is that right when I'm unable to jump up and move quickly, DD, then DS started REALLY climbing, like on top of the tables constantly, no matter what I did with the chairs.

And... DD PTed herself when I was nursing DS at 3 mos. old. It was a tough few weeks, but we made it. Is your DH helpful? That was a huge factor for me!

[Melaine]

Sounds like you haven't thought of any benefits yet, and there are tons.
*DC will have similar interests (ie may be able to do activities together out of the home, projects together in the home). They will be able to BOTH enjoy many outings and trips, events, rather than DC1 being bored or going over DC2's head.
*DC2 will likely pick up a lot of knowlege and skills "early" due to watching and emulating DC1. For instance DC2 may potty train much easier from observing DC1.
*DS1 will likely accept DC2 a little easier than, say a 3 year old might. Basically, it will be all he knows after a month or 2 and he'll get used to it.
*Personally, I think the sibling relationship is one of the most beautiful family relationships! I love watching my girls relate to one another, and I am very close to my 3 siblings. Many siblings spaced far apart seem a little less able to relate and connect to one another, at least until they are older.
To address your concerns:
I think the first one is very valid and realistic, but will be very short-term. The rest I honestly don't feel like are that big of a deal.
I have twins, and I just ignore all the comparisons and the fact that they are treated as a "set" rather than two individuals. I think the bond they have as twins FAR outweighs the inconviences they will experience.
Congrats!

[Melbel]

Congratulations!!! DS and DD1 are 20 months apart and I could not be happier. We were just getting ready to try for #2 when SURPRISE we were pregnant. I am definitely a planner too.

DS does not remember ever not having a sister. At 18 months, IMO, children are less likely to be jealous and possessive as compared to 2 and 3 year olds. Having 2 in diapers at the same time, as well as 2 poor sleepers was very difficult during the first couple of years, but we have been reaping the rewards since that time. They play so well together even though they are different genders. I love that they can do some of the same activities together such as swimming, basketball and soccer because they motivate each other and it helps us with a hectic schedule. They have both also developed individual interests on their own, which we encourage. It will definitely be great gear wise for you (i.e. car seats are less likely to expire).

I really think there are pros and cons for various age spacing. DD2 is 8+ years younger than DS and 6+ years younger than DD1, which presents its own unique challenges and rewards. It is up to you to make the best of your situation.

[maestramommy]

Congratulations! My first two are 20 months apart, but I have 4 friends who had their first two more like 15-17 months apart. They were all surprises :ROTFLMAO:but we did agree there were some advantages.

1) Because the older one was still pretty young when #2 was born, the first few months were boot camp. However, we didn't deal with much jealousy because the older one was just not that aware. That's not to say there weren't rough moments. But in my case at least, it was more because my DD1's routine kinda fell off the rails the first couple of weeks. After we got it back on track, her mood and behavior went back to normal.

2) I don't think dd1 ever remembers a time when there weren't two of them anymore, and the same is true of my friends' kids. This can be good because they don't harken back to being "the only" and resent #2 for messing that up.

Independence varies from kid to kid. I will say that up til dd2 was born, dd2 was a terrible walker. I had to wear her to and from the car (2 flights of stairs and a courtyard in between) because she wanted to be carried. She was very much "only mommy" and she was very shy. I really don't know what happened, but once dd2 was born and she saw her in my sling, she didn't ask to be carried anymore. I only had to wear both of them a couple of times, and it was because they were both sleeping when I got home. She hated the stroller her first year of life, but by the time dd2 was born she rode in it more happily than she walked.

dd1 will have more preschool than dd2, but that is partly because dd1 has a late birthday, and dd2 doesn't. It's difference of 6 months, which to me is insignificant. Also, there are some things that dd1 gets and dd2 doesn't (vitamins, certain candies, certain books) because she's too young to handle them. I just tell her they aren't for her. She is accepting it for now. They will be only 1 year apart in school, and I just don't see any reason to worry about anything (I can't think what) that might happen.

Comparisons? The only people who constantly compare them are my mom and my mil. My mother is the queen of comparing siblings (there are 4 of us), and also compares cousins. So my skin is pretty thick. I am just assertive about her not making these comparisons in front of my kids.

dd1 and dd2 have very different personalities, so far it's easy to manage them accordingly. We'll have to see what happens when dd2 starts presenting more discipline challenges.

Both girls have been on the same routine/schedule for almost a year now, share a room, and they go with me almost everywhere. I don't yet have to worry about doing an activity that only one of them will like.

Really the only big disadvantage that I can think of for having them so close is that it's very tiring for you, if you are the primary caregiver. It can be physically and mentally draining, esp. if you're pregnant with yet another when they are little!

[hardysmom]

I had twins just after DS#1 turned 2. I had 3 in diapers, 3 in big carseats...

I think you'll find that the things you are worried about aren't going to materialize as real stressors, not so much because they aren't valid, but more because you'll just be too darn busy for while to "stress the small stuff," THEN, when you emerge from the first year or so and find that things are getting easier, you'll suddenly see all of the advantages you have over families with more widely spaced kids.

Really, many of your concerns are the same things one thinks about when having #2, no matter what the age spread... There isn't a "perfect" time. Whether 18 mo or 5 years, there are pros and cons for each child.

So far as #1 goes, my experience has been that the closer spacing is easier than for my friends who have had #2 a bit later. As another mentioned, he isn't going to remember being on his own. At 18 months, he won't REALLY be so aware that he has bee ousted, as long as you guys carve out special time, include him as a "helper," and make him feel special.

This is one of thse things which (and I know this is annoying to hear) will probably be harder on YOU as you have to allow him to be more independent before YOU are ready. He'll be fine.

As they get bigger, they will be close. That point in time when their interests merge will be at a younger age than widely spaced siblings... In my family, we "travel as a tribe" and do many activities together. There have been a few awkward phases, but for the most part, my kids like the same stuff and enjoy playing with each other.

There are a few tricks for individuality I've learned from the twin thing--

When I was still pregnant, I found a 1-2 day a week "mothers day out" program for my son to help with independence, social skills, etc... I wanted him to have a place where he could burn off energy, interact, do art, etc WITHOUT ME since I assumed that I would be too crazy once the babies came to have as much one-on-one time. I got hime settled in the program long BEFORE the babies came so that he didn't "blame" the changes on them.

Once the babies arrived, I had a sitter one morning a week so i could do soething special just with DS. We went to the zoo and other favorite places. It was HIS time. On the weekends, I tried to leave the babies with DH and take just my son on errands as my "special helper" so he felt like he had a unique role.

With my twins, carving out individual stuff is harder, but I put a lot of energy into it. For example, at 2.5 they started a Mothers Day Out Program-- One went on Monday, both twins went Wednesday, the other went on Friday; therefore, I had one-on-one time with each one at least one morning a week. By then, DS was in preschool so not such an issue.

So far as comparing them in school, you've got a LONG way to go for that wrry and I am 99.9% sure it wn't be an issue. They will be different kids with different skills. If you perceive an issue, try to get them into different activities, different teachers, etc.

A good friend has 2 boys who are 15 months apart. The oldest was very small and the younger is really big. The younger boy LOOKS older/bigger... They kept the older one back in Kindergarten so now the are just 1 year apart in school. The mom says it used to be a concern to her, but it isn't an issue to THEM.

Finally, my 2 oldest step-siblings are 15 months apart and they have a younger brother who is 3 years younger. The oldest are incredibly close and, as adults, tried to have their kids tightly spaced. I will say their close age made them very, very competitive, but that worked out well for them. One was an Olympic swimmer (who had a free ride to Stanford) and the other was an all-american soccer and field hockey player. Throughout it all, they were each other's best cheerleaders.

Stephanie

[o_mom]

We just found out we are expecting baby #2. It is a surprise and I am excited but freaking out. I have a serious planner personality and am having a hard time with the fact that they will be so close together in age.

My worries are:
1. DS#1 doesn't get to be a baby anymore when baby #2 comes because I will need/force him to be more independent when I have baby #2 to deal with.
2. DS#1 won't have special big boy things he gets to do first, because with 2 you will just have the kids do things together.
3. Baby #2 will get to school maybe only 1 year after DS#1 and will be treated/expected to be just like DS#1- same biases or expectations.
4. Constant comparisons.
5. How do I allow them to develop individual interests and personalities when they get treated as a group by me and others.

I know there are pro and cons to all different family structures. I may be irrationally concerned because this isn't what I thought I wanted (and preggo hormones).

I would love some BTDT from those of you who grew up with siblings close in age and those who have kiddos 18mo apart. How valid are my concerns? How do you address them? What are some of the benefits that I am not thinking of yet?

My first two are 19 months apart, so I can really relate.

#1 - I found at that age that it was actually easier to let the older one still be a 'baby' than it was two years later when DS3 came along. At 18 months, there is no question that they are still a baby and I found it very easy to keep that expectation. I treated it like I had two babies, not twins, but similarly. Used a doulble stroller or wore one and pushed one, etc. I didn't expect DS1 to walk places or other things like I did when he was a 3.5 yo and I had a newborn (and a 2yo). At 3.5, I felt like he could do those things and would get (irrationally) angry that he wouldn't.

#2 - We have made an effort to do this. For example, DS1 got a 'big boy bike' last fall for his birthday. DS2 could have ridden one at that point, but we waited until his birthday last week to get him one.

#3 and 4 - I haven't had this be an issue yet, so don't borrow trouble.

#5 - Believe me, they will develop their own personalities. My older two are night and day. Completely different in spite of having been together 24/7 for the past 4 years. :)

There are positives and negatives to any family spacing. You just have to focus on the postives of what you have and try not to get too drawn down into the negatives.

[frgsnlzrds]

Congratulations! You've gotten so much good advice so far, so I only want to add that I had the same fears you have, and I'm loving it now. My first two were 7 years and 3 days apart, and my second two were just under 19 months apart. DS2 and DD can play together and entertain each other while I do my fun stuff, like make lunch and do laundry. They have separate nap times so I get one on one time with each of them. And we have plenty of things in common for all three of us to play together, too. It's fun, you'll see!

[DietCokeLover]

Ok, I've got you beat. Mine are 11 months apart (can you say, surprise!). I worried some about the same things you are concerned about, but honestly, once you get through the first few months, it really does get easier. But, I'll tell you, my first few months (ok -- being honest... first 11 months) were really hard.

DD and DS truly enjoy one another and DS (the younger of the two) loves to try to keep up with DD. They actually seem a little out of whack if one of them is not around now. I'm considering homeschooling especially because they are so close in age and will be SO easy to teach.

I grew up an only child, so I can't really speak to what they might experience with comparisons, but I think alot of the points the Melaine made are really true.

It will be great. Don't fret.

[smiles33]

I just wanted to post from the viewpoint of the kid, as my younger brother and I are only 14 months apart. I'm sure it was incredibly difficult for my mother, and one of my earliest memories is wanting to share my mom's lap (she was holding my brother). But once we got to school, we were actually very close friends. He went to my senior prom with a girlfriend of mine, we both joined the school paper, and we continue to be very close now.

One funny story: when we were younger, my mom and grandmother brought us to K-mart to go shopping. I wasn't feeling well so I stayed in the car. My brother got separated from them and when a store clerk asked his name, he replied with BOTH our names as that's how he always heard his name--as part of my name! The clerk thought that was his name "AnnaandDavid" so when my mom came to collect him, she started frantically looking for me, too, thinking I had left the store clerk. They eventually found me in the car. :)

[nrp]

I don't have time right now to read all the other great advice I'm sure you are getting, but I just had to chime in with my congratulations and reassurance. I was in EXACTLY your situation - DD was 10 months when I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant with DS, and they are almost exactly 18 months apart. I was freaking out (in fact, I will have to search back because I think I wrote a post just like yours!), but it has turned out great. I'm sure someone has already said this - but I can't imagine our family without DS, and I love that they will grow up close to one another. They are just now getting to the point when they are interacting and it is so much fun to watch DD talking to and playing with her brother. Ultimately, I think it is a hard few months whenever you add a new baby to your family, but in some ways it was easier with DD so young because she didn't resent DS or have any rivarly issues (yet!). Within a week or two, I think she hardly remembered what it was like before he arrived. You said you were a planner, and if you can arrange to have someone help the first few weeks with the baby so that you can have some time with DC#1, it should help a ton. Both for your sanity and to ease the transition.

I will try to write more later - but until then another congratulations!

[MommyAllison]

My worries are:
1. DS#1 doesn't get to be a baby anymore when baby #2 comes because I will need/force him to be more independent when I have baby #2 to deal with.
2. DS#1 won't have special big boy things he gets to do first, because with 2 you will just have the kids do things together.
3. Baby #2 will get to school maybe only 1 year after DS#1 and will be treated/expected to be just like DS#1- same biases or expectations.
4. Constant comparisons.
5. How do I allow them to develop individual interests and personalities when they get treated as a group by me and others.

I know there are pro and cons to all different family structures. I may be irrationally concerned because this isn't what I thought I wanted (and preggo hormones).

I would love some BTDT from those of you who grew up with siblings close in age and those who have kiddos 18mo apart. How valid are my concerns? How do you address them? What are some of the benefits that I am not thinking of yet?

My sister is 18 months younger than me, and then we have another sister 20 months younger than her. (Planned that way - my parents' biological clocks were ticking) We were each 2 years apart in school, and my middle sister and I were pretty much the same size - everyone thought we were twins. We all have completely different personalities and varied interests, so I wouldn't worry about that. There was some comparing in school from teachers who had me, then my sister, and made very inappropriate comments to her. Honestly though, I don't think greater spacing necessarily prevents that from happening - it just does.

Obviously I don't remember when my sisters were born, but I don't remember being frustrated over the closeness in age as I grew up. It was all I knew, and it was my family. Don't worry! :)