I am 39 & DH want's another baby

[TraciG]

Right now I am not ready, he think's we should start to try after the summer, I don't know if I'll be ready then either. I have a 5 1/2 year old and an almost 15 month old. I am not sure I want another, I HATE that I'm on a time limit to decide because of my age !!!!! This is such a hard decision !

The hardest part would be that I have to go off my antidepressant's also my life is easier now that the baby is a little older, do I want to start again ? Another thing, we're moving to a slightly bigger apt, one more small bedroom, so if we have another it would be like it is in this apt. I WISH I had 4 more year's to wait, this is the first time I HATE my age!

[maestramommy]

:hug: That is a very tough decision. Maybe you could start by asking yourself if you actually want another child, period. If you do, then giving yourself another year isn't going to change the risk factors by much. If you can clearly feel the difference in quality of life since you went on medication, I think that is a very important point to consider, and your Dh needs to think about that too. It's very easy for him to want another child, but you are the primary caregiver, so it's important for you to be as close to optimal health as possible.

[lorinick]

Do you want more children? That's the biggest question. Age is a big factor as we get older there is no getting around it. But's it's your body so the decsion really lies with you imo. I think you need to sit down with your dh and work though and let him know how you feel at this time about having children. You can still have children in a year or two if your body and you really want that.

[Piglet]

I remember a Dr. Phil episode where he says that you need two "yes" votes for a baby. 1 "no" vote is all it takes to veto the decision. I feel that it has to be completely mutual - you are the one that will have to go through a pregnancy, BFing, etc. You have to be 100% on board or it can do some serious damage to your mental and physical well being.

[Jo..]

I think you have a ton on your plate right now, and adding a new baby to the mix could spell disaster.

[gatorsmom]

But's it's your body so the decsion really lies with you imo. .

I think saying this is not fair to her husband. He's part of the family too and his feelings toward another child are valid and important. Not to mention the fact that he plays an important part in the family dynamics. IMO the decision really lies with both of them and frankly telling someone this to remind them they can ultimately do whatever they want (and them taking this advice) could lead to long-term resentment in the relationship. Not healthy.

I do agree, though, that this is something, TraciG, that you and your husband should agree on. You both need to talk it through, express feelings, concerns, hopes, etc., to be on the same page. Don't let him push you into something you aren't ok with. And vice versa, naturally. This of course, means you really have to first analyze and understand your feelings and try to anticipate your future feelings about it.

Big hugs.

[stella]

I know how you feel, Traci. It's hard to feel like we're up against the age barrier.
I had my 3rd at 37 and the pregnancy was really pretty tough. I think it comes from being old and worn out.

Give it some serious thought as to what it will do to your life. I adore babies, but adding this third changed things significantly - luckily I was prepared for it and really desired to do it. It would not have been much fun if I wasn't fully committed to taking care of a third.

[JBaxter]

Oh my... You have posted so much about Sydney's issues and the fact that your apt is so small you cant have a quiet place for Jacob to nap I would say tackle those issues first. I had Jack at 41 so another year isnt that big of an issue. I would take a LONG time thinking about this before making any decisions. From your posts you seem to struggle with parenting styles ( different from those around you) I would say get your self together first then make a choice to have or not to have another child.

[janeybwild]

Not sure if you are looking for us to talk you into or out of this decision, but since you are posting in the lounge I will presume you are looking for peoples thoughts on this, so here is my 2 cents. IMO you seem to have an awful lot on your plate right now to be considering this including your own well being both physically and mentally (including a troubling tendency to self-medicate with other people’s prescriptions), relationship issues with your DH, behavior issues with your DD, and sleeping problems with your DS. Can you delay making this choice until you and your family are in a better place? A year or 2 will not make you too old (assuming no underlying health issues). It could even motivate your DH to help you come up with solutions to your myriad of problems. As a mom of 3 myself, it is not "just one more". It is a whole new game plan that, from everything you have shared with us about your family situation, could seriously push you under. Best of luck to you as you wrestle with this.

[Momof3Labs]

Sometimes just one more isn't just one more - see my siggy line. We NEVER intended to have four kids but that's what is happening. Based on your posts over the many years and the fact that you are not ready right now, I would strongly encourage you to give it another year and then revisit the decision. One year is not likely going to make that much of a difference in terms of your pregnancy.

[lorinick]

I think saying this is not fair to her husband. He's part of the family too and his feelings toward another child are valid and important. Not to mention the fact that he plays an important part in the family dynamics. IMO the decision really lies with both of them and frankly telling someone this to remind them they can ultimately do whatever they want (and them taking this advice) could lead to long-term resentment in the relationship. Not healthy.

I do agree, though, that this is something, TraciG, that you and your husband should agree on. You both need to talk it through, express feelings, concerns, hopes, etc., to be on the same page. Don't let him push you into something you aren't ok with. And vice versa, naturally. This of course, means you really have to first analyze and understand your feelings and try to anticipate your future feelings about it.

Big hugs.


I agree it's up to both people but I feel the mom needs to be up for it. It's her who will carry and nurse and do most of the work. Her body her CHOICE for than than her dh. His feelings matter but it's her body and her mental status that take center stage imo.

[nov04]

We made a conscious decision to stop at 2 because of several reasons, but the most important being the amazing dynamic between our girls. I love the relationship they have and can't imagine doing anything to change it in any tiny way. They are the perfect balance of kids for us as a family and the perfect combo for each other.

I can understand having a definite reason for wanting a 3rd, then I would absolutely go for it. It seems like though you have so many reasons for hesitation.

[mommy33]

It sounds to me like it would be helpful to go to at least a few sessions with a therapist to talk this out with someone who is objective and get to the heart of what you really want. If you decide you really want another baby, there are plenty of antidepressants that are deemed okay to take while pregnant, so I don't think you would have to worry about going off meds. Good luck!

[brittone2]

In all honesty, it seems that you are often overwhelmed w/ Sydney's behavior, and feeling like you have too much on your plate and not enough support. Perhaps I'm wrong, but that's what I feel after reading your posts for years now.

It is going to be harder to find the time and energy to work w/ your DD as a family (with support from a counselor, ideally) if you have a newborn. I personally would want to address my concerns with respect to my DD before I had another baby if I was dealing w/ some of what you've expressed here many times in the past. With 3 kids, time, patience, money, etc. are going to be even more scarce. If you had a good, solid support system in place, I might think differently, but it doesn't seem like you have a lot of support from what you've posted in the past. If you don't address your concerns with Sydney as a family now and get to the root of the issues, you may have your hands really full in another few years, and the concerns may be much more complex.

I don't think you should feel pressured to have another DC if you aren't ready and you don't have a good support system in place. JMO.

[deenass]

I think you and your husbnad need to think long and hard about the decision to have another baby and the impact a third child would have on your quality of life. You mention having to go off your anti-depressants, how will that TRULY impact you through a pregnancy? If the medication is helping you control your anxiety/ depression, what will happen when you go off?

The fact that you don't seem to want another baby (which is a completely understandable choice for any parent to make), at least not yet is something you (and your husband) should take into consideration. Your youngest is still so young and you ahve a lot on your plate (as does every parent!). This isn't a decision you should let your husband pressure you into, nor one you should make without really considering the effect a third child will have on your family.

[TraciG]

Thank's everyone, I just just curious to hear everyone's opinion, also it was in my head at the time I wrote it.

I wasn't on med's when I was pregnant with Jacob, this is the first time since I'm married actually that I am on med's.

Sydney is getting a little better, I did go & talk to her teacher's, they think she's fine, at school anyway.

[kijip]

Traci, I don't think you should have another baby until/if you feel ready.

One thing I will say is that there is no need for a lot of women to forgo medication while pregnant and nursing. Some anti-depressants are compatible with pregnancy.

That said, this is a decision that while you each have input into, your life is far more impacted because of the dynamics you have described here. I would be very reluctant to start TTC if I were in your shoes. The ultimate decision rests with you and what you think your body can handle.

[gatorsmom]

Her body her CHOICE for than than her dh.

Is that the line you think she should bring up in their discussion over the issue? And after that should she throw in a "my way or the highway" line for good measure?

And just as a hypothetical, what if the situation were reversed? What if SHE wanted to have the baby and he didn't? Would she be saying, "my body, my choice" again? And of course he should respect that right and be forced to help and pay for a child, right?

I've heard this argument before and it's a tired one. The thing that I totally don't understand is that many women expect to be able to make the choice about whether she should be a mother (again) or not. But married men don't really get the choice to be a father or not. If the wife decides she wants a child, he must pay. Why can't he choose not to be a father, if she can choose not to be a mother? Of course it's about power and who holds it.

IMO, in a relationship where the two people are not equal and one holds power over the other, there will be problems. The only way to a successful marriage is one built on mutual trust, respect, compromise and sharing of goals.

[jayali]

I don't really have any advice for you that hasn't already been posted, but I did want to say that I had my son at 41. I know that the risk factors increase dramatically once you pass 40, but I don't think they increase all that much a year or two after that. I had a great pregnancy - which I think was partly because we were ready to be parents. I think that at any age if you are not 100% comfortable with your decision and in a supportive relationship then pregnancy can be hard - add in the increased responsibility of having two additional children to deal with and you could really have it rough. I guess what I am saying is I wouldn't worry SO much about the age (although I do realize that is a factor) but more about the place you are in with the decision and your relationship with your husband. Then definitely consider all of the other responsibility you have to deal with. All of those should be factors in your decision (joint decision with your husband).

[DebbieJ]

I think you have a ton on your plate right now, and adding a new baby to the mix could spell disaster.

ITA with Jo.

[maestramommy]

Is that the line you think she should bring up in their discussion over the issue? And after that should she throw in a "my way or the highway" line for good measure?

And just as a hypothetical, what if the situation were reversed? What if SHE wanted to have the baby and he didn't? Would she be saying, "my body, my choice" again? And of course he should respect that right and be forced to help and pay for a child, right?

I've heard this argument before and it's a tired one. The thing that I totally don't understand is that many women expect to be able to make the choice about whether she should be a mother (again) or not. But married men don't really get the choice to be a father or not. If the wife decides she wants a child, he must pay. Why can't he choose not to be a father, if she can choose not to be a mother? Of course it's about power and who holds it.

IMO, in a relationship where the two people are not equal and one holds power over the other, there will be problems. The only way to a successful marriage is one built on mutual trust, respect, compromise and sharing of goals.

I tend to think the "my body my choice" is more applicable if the mother doesn't want to have a baby. In this specific case, Traci is very unsure about whether she is ready to have another child. From her other posts it strikes me that her Dh is not the most supportive partner when it comes to childcare and parenting (I could be wrong!). I don't think it's unreasonable for her to have this attitude in her mind, whether or not she expresses it verbally. If she isn't ready, she isn't ready, and she needs to somehow get that point across to her Dh.

I do think getting pregnant without the agreement of one's partner is a recipe for disaster.

Sorry Traci, don't mean to talk about you like you're not here!

[kijip]

Is that the line you think she should bring up in their discussion over the issue? And after that should she throw in a "my way or the highway" line for good measure?

And just as a hypothetical, what if the situation were reversed? What if SHE wanted to have the baby and he didn't? Would she be saying, "my body, my choice" again? And of course he should respect that right and be forced to help and pay for a child, right?

I've heard this argument before and it's a tired one. The thing that I totally don't understand is that many women expect to be able to make the choice about whether she should be a mother (again) or not. But married men don't really get the choice to be a father or not. If the wife decides she wants a child, he must pay. Why can't he choose not to be a father, if she can choose not to be a mother? Of course it's about power and who holds it.

IMO, in a relationship where the two people are not equal and one holds power over the other, there will be problems. The only way to a successful marriage is one built on mutual trust, respect, compromise and sharing of goals.

On a relationship side of it, on a philosophical level your point about equality and power makes sense. But on a practical, biological point the fact of the matter still remains that carrying a baby and mothering a newborn is a mother's choice that ideally is made in the affirmative. Being coerced or pressured to do something that major and life altering that you are either not ready for or just don't want is not healthy for the person, the marriage or the other kids/family as a whole.

I would say that in marriage, each partner should have the right of refusal...ie no more babies till both are ready. Hopefully/ideally there is agreement on this issue and no one has their heart broken or does something they are not ready or willing to do. BUT sometimes there is no agreement and 1 partner does not change their mind- in that case I personally think the "I can't do this again" (whoever that may be) prevails. We certainly have seen a lot of posts from women who either did wait, are waiting or who gave up the idea altogether because of a partner who was done.

Yes there is the legal aspect that if a woman does not wait, the father is still on the hook for child support if she proceeds without his consent...but railing against that is railing against a fundamental aspect of biology that women can (usually) get pregnant on their own, without the male's specific consent past him knowing that sex can lead to babies...should men get tricked? No. However, do many men give up on being a father (even if they already have older kids?) Based on the vast amounts of past due child support and number of kids that have not seen their dads in years or ever, yes. Historically fathers (married or not) have been known to in fairly large numbers just leave the family entirely. So frankly when considering all the men who have kids they don't really want, my heart goes out to the kids and not to the men. Sex carries a risk of pregnancy, it just does, and while I would never condone tricking a man into fatherhood, I won't agree that the biological fact that men can be tricked is a reason that women should go ahead and carry babies they are not sure they want or can handle. That is is not equality, it is coercion.