Your phobias and your DC

[Gena]

Do any of you have a phobia you struggle with and what efforts do you make to not pass this fear onto your kids?

I have a dreadful fear of water. I don't mean that I have a healthy respect for the real dangers that water presents. It definately crosses that line into irrational fear. I've had ever since I was a small child. I CAN swim (dog paddle) and I like to "play" in the shallow area, but I won't do anything that puts my face in the water. I don't go underwater. I don't dive. I won't go in the deep end of the pool. I don't go down waterslides. I don't go on boats because I'm afraid that they will sink and then I'd be in the water. I have nightmares about drowning frequently.

So my phobia has kept me from participating in a lot of activities that I know other people find enjoyable. That's OK for me, there are plenty of other recreational activities I enjoy. But I don't want my child to be limited by this same fear. DH and his siblings love water sports. I think their family is part fish. I want DS to safely enjoy these activites with them.

So I started DS in swim lessons before he was two years old. We started with "Mommy and me" types of classes, which helped us both get more comfortable in the water. He loved swimming lessons immediately and has always worked hard. Although his progress has sometimes been slow because of his motor difficulties, he has enjoyed learning new skills.

Now, DS is 5 and he is in the community rec center's special needs swim class. It's a great program and he is making amazing progress. He can swim about 10-12 feet. He goes underwater and touches the bottom. And a couple of weeks ago he started jumping off the low dive into the deep end. He's so proud and happy with his new skills and I am so very proud of him. But I'm also absolutely terrified for him, even though I never let him see that. I know he's safe during swim lessons; his one-on-one instructor is always within arm's reach. And yet my heart stops every time I see him go underwater.

I really do believe that swimming is important for him: for the exercise, for his motor development, for his self-confidence, for the pleasure of it, and for his safety (Drowning is the Number 1 cause of accidental death in children with Autism Spectrum Disorders). And I'm really very happy that DS is more comfortable in the water than I will ever be. But I still get scared to death watching his lessons sometimes.

I find it hard at times to deal with this mix of feelings: pride and joy and terror. And I feel like a hypocrite because I encourage him to do these activities that I would never do myself. Are there other parents dealing with this mix of emotions? How do you handle them?

[maestramommy]

I can't stand spiders, roaches, centipedes, anything with a lot of legs and moves very quickly. I'm trying not to let the girls see my distaste because we don't have roaches here and spiders are useful.

[newg]

I hate fast rides......roller costers and anything close to it.....dd is only 1....but I am determined not to pass on my fear to her.....we live just up the road to Kings Island (a big amusement park)....and I'm not also a huge fan of water....just don't like being cold....but I'm determined to be in the water as much as dd wants to be.....

I think my biggest fear is passing on my little neurotic habbits to her.....I am a chronic nail bitter and when I get tired or stressed I tend to rub at my face.......so I am trying so hard not to do that in front of her....

[Corie]

I think my biggest fear is passing on my little neurotic habbits to her.....



Yes, this is me too. I have a couple of neurotic habits myself and I have
already seen my daughter with this behavior. It makes me sad.

[Nechums]

I'm terrified of flying and although my son is only 7 months old, I'm very nervous that he'll sense that "mommy isn't herself" on our first flight together next week. Also, I won't be able to take care of him properly while I'm experiencing any of the anxiety attacks that I get on flights.

In order to deal with it, my husband agreed to "work overtime" on the flight and only pass DS along to my for nursing.

This is definitely something I have to work on as he gets older, but for now this approach will suffice.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Snakes and I.V.s are my phobias. He doesn't know what an I.V. is so that is a non issue. Snakes? He thinks it is a ton of fun to tease me about it and try and scare me with toy snakes. I have made an effort to see the snakes at the zoo and I even touched one last summer so I could be a good role model for him. He got a kick out of my reaction to touching the snakes. So, so far my phobia has not carried over to him.

I know my niece is only "afraid of heights" because her dad is. When I took her to an amusement park she certainly didn't act like someone who was afraid of heights judging by the rides she rode and reaction she had.

I learned something about ds today and found we were a lot alike. He has strep throat but hasn't complained about his throat. When pressed he finally said that he doesn't like people to worry about him so he keeps things like that to himself. I do that too. I don't think there is a way he would have witnessed that from me but maybe he has?? I tried to explain why he should talk to us about that stuff but I'm not sure I got through to him.

Beth

[Clarity]

Definitely flying. DD1 was only 11 months old the first time we flew but I recall having to force myself to remain calm and not talk about my anxiety.

And, I was just wondering today if my germaphobic behaviors in public restrooms was going to cause my dd's to have ocd issues around cleanliness and handwashing. I'm pretty bad.

[TwinFoxes]

Bugs. All bugs. Big or small. Ants I can tolerate, except those big ones where you can really see the joints in their bodies. And I really like ladybugs, they're cute. I hate the rest: beetles, centipedes, crickets, and any other bug that I don't know what they are. Roaches, well that goes without saying (thank goodness I've never really had them KNOCK ON WOOD!) I'm really afraid of bugs that I know sting/bite. So bees, wasps, spiders. Oh, and since moving to the east coast, I've discovered the joys that are ticks on my dogs.

When I see bugs my heart pounds, I can't think straight, I can taste adrenaline. I really don't want my girls to have this fear. I will try not to pass it on, to try to remain calm. But inside I will be screaming BUG!! EEK, GET IT, HELP YOUR MOMMY!!!! AAAAAAHHHHHH! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

[gatorsmom]

Boats. I"m very afraid of boats. Which is hard since my DH loves waterskiing. He LIVES for summers out on our boat. I tolerate it for the kids.

Same with big bugs. Little ones I can handle, even pick up. But big ones send me screaming and I don't want my boys to have the same fear I do. I want them to look at all living things with wonder, not fear (well, the safe ones at least). So, I really, really have to bite my tongue when I see something big.

Ever since that terrible tornado touched down near our house last year, I"m terrified of thunderstorms. And now my boys are too. I really regret how I become in those situations. I've successfully passed my fear of them on to my kids. :(

[MamaMolly]

This is such a timely post for me. My mom had a LOT of irrational fears and as DD is getting older they keep popping up in the weirdest places. I think being aware of it and working on it are the only thing we can do. Nobody is perfect, everyone has their quirks. I just want DD's to be HERs and not MINE. :)

[MontrealMum]

I am absolutely, deathly, terrified of bees - any stinging insects actually. I am not too keen on spiders or other creepy crawlies either, like many people, but those I can usually get it together enough to deal with on my own. Bees turn me into a shrieking, hyperventilating moron. My excuse is that I had a very bad experience as a child - but I am hoping that I can get it together enough to:
1) protect DS if necessary
2) not scream and run in front of him
To top that all off, FIL is allergic to bees, so I really need to man up here so that I can physically put myself between DS and bees if necessary. I am not interested in a test run to see if that's been inherited or not. I just keep telling myself "you gave birth...really, what hurts more?" :tongue5:

It's funny, because I was thinking about passing things down recently too. My mom has a lot of quirky, absentminded habits (don't we all?) and I've noticed that I've developed most, if not all of them! IE, picking at my cuticles until they bleed - she does it too, noone else does (except my maternal grandma!), and everyone thinks we're terribly odd. It's something I never, ever noticed until well into adulthood. I also talk like her and use her turns of phrase - fun stuff ;)

[salsah]

And, I was just wondering today if my germaphobic behaviors in public restrooms was going to cause my dd's to have ocd issues around cleanliness and handwashing. I'm pretty bad.

:yeahthat: i hate using public restrooms and often have nightmares about it (same nightmare every time). if dh is with me, i ask him to take dd because he is the exact opposite of me. when i have to take her, i'm constantly yelling "don't touch anything, watch out, your sleeve just touched the wall, wait don't touch the paper towel dispenser, now you have to wash your hands again." so stressful!

[egoldber]

I don't have many phobias, but one that I do have is a fear of heights/falling. It's not a fear of heights per se because I have no issue with flying, roller coasters, etc. But I have serious issues with things like open railings, steps without risers, standing too close to the edge of anything (even when there is a railing), etc. There is a museum here that I just can't go to and it's too bad because they have lots of events for kids, but DH has to take her because I can't.

But so far I have managed very well to not even let Sarah know that I even have this fear.

[Melaine]

I don't have a phobia per se (is that the phrase) but I do have generalized anxiety disorder, diagnosed since the girls were born. After thinking about the diagnosis for awhile, I have become fairly certain that my mother suffers from GAD as well. She has given me SO much and is truly a wonderful mother (I can't even begin to say how wonderful) but I DO feel like some of my fears were learned from her (I'm talking fears like kidnapping, break-ins, carjacking, etc.) Just general valid concerns/safety issues but taken a little far. I'm definitely going to consciously try to avoid some of that, but it's hard to balance good safety without passing along anxiety.

[mommy111]

:yeahthat: i hate using public restrooms and often have nightmares about it (same nightmare every time). if dh is with me, i ask him to take dd because he is the exact opposite of me. when i have to take her, i'm constantly yelling "don't touch anything, watch out, your sleeve just touched the wall, wait don't touch the paper towel dispenser, now you have to wash your hands again." so stressful!
Are you me by any chance? :) That is exactly what I do to the point where DD would poop in her pants rather than go to a public restroom. I've learnt to lay off a little but also to organize things better (go to bathroom before we leave etc)
Re the flying phobia, I've found having DC with me is the best thing, I'm so concerned with fulfilling their needs that I can't indulge as much. But of course having to fly to and from China every few months has also desensitized me which, I guess is what docs sometimes recommend for phobias anyway!

[randomkid]

The only phobia I have is fear of heights/falling like a PP mentioned - open railings, edge of the cliff kind of thing. I am better about it and can do it if I have to, but that situation has not presented itself since DD was born. DD is enough of a worry wart on her own (think she inherited that gene from my Dad), so I try very hard to downplay her worries. I am a bit of a germaphobe, but not to the extreme. I work in a hospital and HAVE to be a germaphobe there, so I think it has carried over into my daily life. I have seen some of that rubbing off on DD and I've just tried to back off a little. However, when she laid down a piece of food on a booth bench at the mall food court this past weekend, then picked it up to put it in her mouth, I was loudly saying "NO, DON'T! Nononononooooo!!!" as she popped it in her mouth. I then proceeded to explain why that was a bad idea, when I should have just let it go and told her not to do it again.

In reading your post, however, a couple of things struck me. You said that drowning in the number 1 cause of death in austism spectrum children. I'm sure you've thought about this, but it may be a very good reason to seek help with your fear. If your DS fell into a body of water and couldn't make it out on his own, could you jump in to get him? He may be swimming 10-12 feet, but that may not be far enough in some situations and if it's unexpected, he could panic and not swim at all. That is unlikely, but something you may want to think about. Besides, then you could enjoy water activities with your family rather than feeling terrified for your family while watching them have fun.

[Corie]

I don't have many phobias, but one that I do have is a fear of heights/falling. It's not a fear of heights per se because I have no issue with flying, roller coasters, etc. But I have serious issues with things like open railings, steps without risers, standing too close to the edge of anything (even when there is a railing), etc.


Beth,
My husband has this fear.

He says that it almost feels like he is being pulled to the open space. We were
walking over an open overpass right by a highway one time trying to get to
the Dallas Cowboys game. He just grabbed my hand and we ran for it.

[egoldber]

He says that it almost feels like he is being pulled to the open space

Yes! This is exactly it. It sounds stupid when you describe it, but it seriously feels like you will be sucked over the edge. I can't even stand to be near an open edge like that. I used to say I had a fear of heights, but then I actually described it someone (who also had the same fear) and they articulated how I felt. That was the first time that I realized other people had that same fear and it wasn't unique to me!

[bubbaray]

Wow, I have more phobias than most of you!

I am completely phobic re bees and wasps. Terrified. DD#1 is very afraid of all bugs, probably b/c of that.

I do not like boats when they are out of swimming distance of land. I am OK on lakes, but not on the ocean. DD#1 hasn't picked up on this, but I'l have to deal with it eventually. Thankfully, DH is not into cruising, LOL.

I am also terrified of snakes. Again, she h/n picked up on this yet.

ETA: also, I'm afraid of heights. Falling from heights. I won't stand near the edge of a cliff, for example, even if there is a guard rail. I'm fine in large commercial planes and on rollercoasters.

[Wife_and_mommy]

Mine are heights(similar to Beth/Melissa) and flying, stinging insects. I have a cockroach phobia, too, come to think of it. I don't like bugs in general but bees/roaches are the major anxiety-inducing ones.

ETA: Forgot to add, my kids both are bug phobic but we're working on making it a healthy fear as opposed to the irrational type they started out with. For instance, DD doesn't freak out at the sight of a black ant anymore. Neither one is afraid of hts.

[randomkid]

Yes! This is exactly it. It sounds stupid when you describe it, but it seriously feels like you will be sucked over the edge. I can't even stand to be near an open edge like that. I used to say I had a fear of heights, but then I actually described it someone (who also had the same fear) and they articulated how I felt. That was the first time that I realized other people had that same fear and it wasn't unique to me!

Definitely not unique to you. I remember one time when I was a kid, being in the mountains and my parents wanting me to sit on a rock that stuck out over the edge. The wind was blowing and I was terrified that I would be blown off into oblivion. I know exactly what the picture looks like that was taken. I am better now, but still have that feeling of being pulled over the edge. Even flying, etc. makes me a little nervous, but it's definitely more the open areas that freak me out. Try crossing a mile high swinging bridge - I practically ran, but wanted to stay calm because my young stepdaughters were with us. The wind was whipping through there and that bridge was just swinging away - here's a pic http://www.learnnc.org/lp/multimedia/7756 Yeah, that was fun (insert sarcastic smiley). The other thing I don't like is something that seems open. I was really uncomfortable walking up to the glass and looking out at the Sears Tower. I CAN do it, I just really don't like to.

[egoldber]

OK, um, wow. I'm glad you were able to do that for your stepdaughters, but there is no way I would have been able to do that. Maybe sedated or drunk. Not kidding. I would rather bathe in spiders.

[randomkid]

OK, um, wow. I'm glad you were able to do that for your stepdaughters, but there is no way I would have been able to do that. Maybe sedated or drunk. Not kidding. I would rather bathe in spiders.

Yeah - and look at what you are walking to get to! The starting point is on the right side of the picture; you end up on that outcropping of rock. Not a lot of motivation for me to go across that bridge, esp with the wind blowing through there like it does!

[mamicka]

He says that it almost feels like he is being pulled to the open space.

This is my fear as well. Great way to describe it. It's terrifying.

[egoldber]

OK, I think it's interesting how many of us have this same fear. Does anyone know if it has a name different from fear of heights?

[Gena]

Thank you everyone for your replies. It's good to see that I am not the only one who faces an irrational fear and who worries about passing it on their child. It's intersting to see what other people are afraid of. It makes me feel less strange. :)



In reading your post, however, a couple of things struck me. You said that drowning in the number 1 cause of death in austism spectrum children. I'm sure you've thought about this, but it may be a very good reason to seek help with your fear. If your DS fell into a body of water and couldn't make it out on his own, could you jump in to get him? He may be swimming 10-12 feet, but that may not be far enough in some situations and if it's unexpected, he could panic and not swim at all. That is unlikely, but something you may want to think about. Besides, then you could enjoy water activities with your family rather than feeling terrified for your family while watching them have fun.

I appreciate your concern and this is something that my husband and I have discussed a lot. The first thing we did was try to understand why drowning is such a big danger for kids with ASD. Many children with ASD are prone to wander away from home and many seem to be drawn to bodies of water. So tragically, what often happens is a child with ASD wanders away from home to a nearby lake/pond and goes in too far and drowns. So we take a lot of precautions to prevent this type of scenario. This includes the type of locks on our doors, social stories about staying away from water without Mommy or Daddy there, and a strong focus on safety issues in his swim class, among other things. He learns how to behave safely around water and has learned the swim/float/swim technique. Additionally, DS wears a PFD when we are around deep pools or other bodies of water. Furthermore I never take DS near a body of water alone, except for the local park that has a 3 foot deep pond and the community water park where the deepest part of the pool is 3.5 feet, both of which I can manage easily. Of course, you cannot "drown-proof" any child, but we are doing all we can to ensure DS's safety around water.

My fear is very strong, irrational, deep-seated and dates back to my very early childhood. I've tried to overcome it for decades (since I was a teenager) using various methods and with various types of help. It's gotten somewhat better, a little less intense, over the years. But I doubt I'll ever get over it. To be honest I have little interest in "enjoying" water activities. There are plenty of other family activities I enjoy. As I said, I do take DS to the community water park and we have a good time playing in the shallow water. That's enough for me.

[Corie]

OK, I think it's interesting how many of us have this same fear. Does anyone know if it has a name different from fear of heights?


I just did a quick search. It sounds like this-

Aeroacrophobia is the fear of open and high places.