New child hitting and biting in preschool - WWYD?

[hollybloom24]

My kids started private preschool in September and are in a three year old class.

Last month the director accepted a boy into the school who has behavioral issues. (If spaces are open in the class, they will accept new students.) I am not sure if he has a true medical or psychological diagnosis, but he is labelled a "special needs" child at our preschool by the teachers and directors.

The new child was extremely disruptive to the class from Day One. My girls were scared by him right off the bat. The first week he bit a child on the cheek, and the child needed antibiotics for 10 days.

The next week he hit one of my girls hard, causing a fat lip. The following day he punched her, at which point my husband and I went to see the director of the school. She informed us that the teachers and school were working with him and the parents on his behavioral issues. She said if the behavior remains the same or becomes worse, they will talk to his family and tell them that perhaps our school does not fit their son's needs.

Over the weekend my kids attended a class birthday party, and the new boy hit my daughter hard again, unprovoked. (His mother put him in time-out and acted appropriate towards my daughter and me.) Today I found out that this new boy bit another child on the hand. His mother was extremely upset and mad.

The director becomes quite defensive when parents try to talk to her about the situation. She doesn't like that parents speak to each other (which is just silly, IMO.) The teachers are exhausted trying to watch this new boy and teach the class.

My kids are showing signs of stress from the situation for sure, such as putting hands in their mouths and acting out in ways they have not before. I am really upset that the chemistry in the class has changed. It was such a sweet, safe, warm place, and now it seems like there is always trouble.

I have no idea what to do! Changing preschools is difficult and potentially impossible around here. Ie, we applied to four schools and were rejected from three...

Any thoughts?

TIA!

[SnuggleBuggles]

It sounds like they may need to work to get the boy a helper. If he has a true medical need then there are ways to go about that that shouldn't be too difficult. I wouldn't switch but I would certainly let them know that you are really concerned and have they thought about this boy bringing in someone to help him. Act like you just heard of that idea and thought it might be worth pursuing.

(((hugs)))) to all of you (the boys family and all the other families)

Beth

[tiapam]

How long is the class per day? I would suggest to the director that the boy not stay the entire time right now. Perhaps he can learn to control his impulses over this shorter time and gradually build up to a full day at school? If he is missing out on things he enjoys because he has to go home early, that could be another motivator for him. DD's friend went through a biting phase, though at a younger age. I think it was hardest on her mom. I realize this child probably has bigger issues, but the biting did eventually stop. It is really the most socially unacceptable of his behaviors, so if they can get that under control, I think that would be a big help.

[KpbS]

We unfortunately have BTDT. In my experience it is really important to find out from the director (or board) if there is a policy about physical aggression, a 3 strikes and you are out sort of rule. I know last year in DS1's class a child was asked to stay home for a few weeks with the hopes of his behavior correcting w/ additional parental involvement. Biting at age 3 (or 3.5) is not age appropriate.

So sorry you are going through this :( I would keep expressing my concerns to the director and demand some additional intervention whether through an aid or something else. If she is unwilling to work with you or take your concerns seriously then I would look elsewhere. Is your school year ending soon or will it continue through the summer? If it continues, I would phone the other schools and see if you could get on a wait list.

:hug:

[KBecks]

Are the teachers giving you reports that your children were hit? Are you getting accident / injury reports? Have the teachers communicated and verified what is going on in class?

I would be inclined to tell the school that if they cannot make the classroom safe, you will withdraw your children.

I think it is important that you not go on a mission to get another student kicked out of school.

I tend to think it's only a 3 y.o. class, and I would keep my kids home before letting them get be hit on a regular basis. These are hard hits and a bite that broke the skin, this is a serious issue. If it were light hitting and scratching, I'd be more willing for the child to get settled, but I would not continue with school if this does not improve fast.

I think a suggestion to the school for a helper may be a good idea if they have not thought of it. I think I would want to ask them specifically what are they going to do to make sure your kids are not injured -- so far they have not got it together, and I would not have a lot of patience, maybe only another week to decide if they are getting this situation handled or if your kids are not being properly protected.

But I don't think 3 year old school is a necessity, and I'm able to be home with the kids, your situation and feelings may differ.

I think I would want to have a talk with the classroom teachers to get the specifics on what's going on if they have not been communicating about this. I can't tell if you're getting info from school direct or only from the kids' reports and other parents.

[geochick]

If that kind of thing were happening in my kid's preschool, I'd talk to the director. It would need to improve significantly, or I'd yank my kid out of there. It wouldn't matter that another school might be hard to find. I wouldn't send my kid into a very dangerous school setting ever. I'd be blunt with it to the director. If she were defensive and wouldn't help to somehow improve the situation, I'd be out of there.

[ThreeofUs]

I agree it sounds like the child needs 1:1 help. Maybe if a group of parents got together with the teachers and the director, something will get done. Otherwise, you're probably looking at an on-going problem.

[egoldber]

I would be inclined to tell the school that if they cannot make the classroom safe, you will withdraw your children.

I agree and I am pretty tolerant of poor behavior in preschool. But children are getting hurt and hurt badly.

[bubbaray]

I would be inclined to tell the school that if they cannot make the classroom safe, you will withdraw your children.



:yeahthat:

And, if the incidents persist, IMO, the school could be held liable for breach of fiduciary duty to the innocent children/victims. They have an aggressive child in their school and it sounds like they are doing nothing to keep the OTHER children safe.

JMHO.

[hollybloom24]

I do think this is all good advice!

I have been told by the teachers that my child was hit by another child. The school's policy is not to disclose the name of the child who hit your child. (This is standard with most preschools in our area.) I found out because teachers told me when they should not have, and because my own child is old enough to tell me what happened.

Incident reports have not been filled out for my child's incidents with this little boy, but I know they have been filled out for the two separate biting incidents.

The school day officially starts at 9 am and runs until 12 pm. You can do an early drop-off. I drop my kids off around 8 am, and so does the mom of the boy with the issues, so maybe a shorter day would help the situation...

Pulling together a concerned group of parents is a good idea.

Thanks for all the insight!

[motherofone]

We had a similar problem when DD was in pre-K. One boy (officially diagnosed with something) joined the class in summer. He hit, bit and threw things at the children and teachers. I heard stories from dd (she was almost 5) and from the parents of other children. DD was stressed by the situation and drama. When I spent time in the classroom, I was shocked at the behavior of this child. He required so much of the teachers' attention that he basically had his own teacher and the other 14 kids shared the other teacher. In injury reports, the child wasn't named, but the kids talk. His mother did apologize repeatedly for his behavior. We felt bad for the mother and knew she was doing her best.
A group of parents found the classroom situation unacceptable and went to the director. She felt it would be unfair to have the boy removed because of his diagnosis. She suggested the boy get an aide-the mother couldn't afford one. Because we only had a month left in our term, we stayed. However, if it were earlier in the year or earlier in dd's preschool years, we would have pulled her.

[hollybloom24]

Well, the update is that the director told the parents today that the school wasn't working for their son, and he is no longer a student.

I feel verybad for the boy and his family, but it really was in the best interest of all the children attending the school. It wasn't helping him and it wasn't good for the other children.