WWYD regarding Mother's Day?

[alien_host]

So DH and I have been arguing a lot lately and things have been extremely busy. I didn't have high expectations for mother's day. So DH and I had some stupid argument this AM about the laundry. This morning I get an e-mail that basically stated on Sunday he is taking DD out after breakfast and going shopping (not for me I'm sure) and they will be visiting both grandmothers without me. He feels that all I want is to be alone and that he is granting this "alone time".

He doesn't want to discuss it period. I have been feeling I haven't had time to myself (just the time DD is in school - two days a week for 3 hours) and the past month I've been supervising the construction going on at our house and doing errands during that time. I'm not doing anything relaxing or anything like that.

Anyway do I try to convince him otherwise? Heck I'd like to see my own mother and I don't need either my mom or MIL questioning where the I am.

And frankly spending time alone is not really what I had in mind on Mother's Day. And DH basically wrote "I don't care what you want, this is what I'm doing". The tone of the e-mail was pretty mean. Nice huh?

Any thoughts on how to "fix" this? I didn't respond to the e-mail and I'm sure he won't bring it up tonight. I was tempted to e-mail him that DD and I already have plans with my mom and that he can do what he want with HIS mom.

[bubbaray]

Well, *I* would send a nasty/snarky email in reply saying "Niiiice, its MOTHER's DAY and you want to take my daughter away from me. How very thoughtful".

Then again, DH and I haven't been having the best of times either. I also don't have high hopes for MD (though I have ordered myself a photo necklace from Missy's DH and a nice Coach swingpack -- of course, *I* am paying for my gifts to me. Sigh.).

Hugs. MD sucks sometimes.

[alien_host]

Well, *I* would send a nasty/snarky email in reply saying "Niiiice, its MOTHER's DAY and you want to take my daughter away from me. How very thoughtful".

Then again, DH and I haven't been having the best of times either. I also don't have high hopes for MD (though I have ordered myself a photo necklace from Missy's DH and a nice Coach swingpack -- of course, *I* am paying for my gifts to me. Sigh.).

Hugs. MD sucks sometimes.

I'm sorry that your MD may suck too. :( I totally refrained from sending the nasty gram back. I wanted to do it, although there is still time ;)

His feeling is that I *want* to get away from DD. Yes, I'm with her like 24/7 and there are days when things are bad when he gets home and I do leave the two of them alone for a few minutes so I can maybe use the bathroom in peace.

Maybe I should say this "so it's really nice that you feel I wouldn't want to spend time with my OWN mother (not to mention daughter) on Mother's Day."

I just don't know if it's worth the fight...

[mamaoftwins]

*I* think he needs to pick another day to take DD out and leave you with some alone time. MD is just not the day to do that, especially with wanting to visit your M and MIL. I rarely have time away from the boys (I can't think of once in the last several months), but that being said, I would kick DH's a$$ if he took them out on MD without me.

Hope you can clear this up to your liking. :hug:

[JTsMom]

I would probably have sent something nasty right back, but since you were more mature than that.....

I'd wait for him to cool down, try to talk to him about how hurtful it was, explain your side of it, etc. I wouldn't just let it go and have a crappy MD, that's for sure.

[alien_host]

*I* think he needs to pick another day to take DD out and leave you with some alone time. MD is just not the day to do that, especially with wanting to visit your M and MIL. I rarely have time away from the boys (I can't think of once in the last several months), but that being said, I would kick DH's a$$ if he took them out on MD without me.

Hope you can clear this up to your liking. :hug:

I know he is totally just trying to tick me off....and it's working, even if he doesn't know it yet.



I would probably have sent something nasty right back, but since you were more mature than that.....

I'd wait for him to cool down, try to talk to him about how hurtful it was, explain your side of it, etc. I wouldn't just let it go and have a crappy MD, that's for sure.

I'm shocked that I haven't sent something nasty back, I know he's trying to get a rise out of me. I think you are right, maybe tonight we can discuss it. Although I totally expect him to say "I'm not talking about it". I won't let it go. I still might send that nasty gram (although that's probably what he wants).

[citymama]

I'm sorry you're going through this and that your DH is being so immature about this. Whatever the disagreement, this is your day, and he had better care what you want to do. As the PP said, pick another day for grandma visits and hissy fits. I'd almost prefer a mom's day with me and my mom and DC and let DH spend the day with his mom if he wants to, than all this BS.

I think you are taking the high road and being incredibly mature/restrained by not shooting back a zinger/nastygram to his awful and mean-spirited email. It would be almost too easy. Let him stew in this mess he's created and (hopefully) come to his senses. You could send a totally separate email (not a reply) saying: "Here's what I'll be doing with the kids on mother's day" - but give it a day to cool off. There's still time. Unless the grandmas are total jerks, they will understand if plans change.

Hugs! :grouphug:

[pinkmomagain]

If it were me, I would not even mention the email or plans for MD until maybe Saturday. Maybe by then you guys will cool off and the air will clear. I really would not discuss it at all until then....but that's just they way I handle things with DH. It usuallly works out just fine.

[Ceepa]

His attitude and tone sucks but my DH thought the perfect Mother's Day gift to me would be to take DC away and give me alone time, too. I can't say it isn't appealing to have time to myself, but I certainly would like some say in how the day unfolds, KWIM?

Can you calmly apporach DH tonight or tomorro and say that although you appreciate what he's doing by planning to give you alone time you've been thinking about it and would like to do XYZ instead?

[alien_host]

Thanks for the thoughts/suggestions, I do appreciate them.

I really think DH is doing this as "punishment". He's deliberately trying to make me miserable on MD (and today), because of other issues that have been going on.

Now had he said (nicely), "you know what honey, I know you haven't had much time for yourself so I booked you a massage at the spa. I'll take DD over to see grandma so you can enjoy yourself", I guess it might be a little different. He's trying not to give me a choice in the matter and said "you can sit at home alone".

I'm upset that he is "dictating" what I'M doing/not doing for mother's day (not to mention that he is just being a jerk). I should have just pasted the whole e-mail here, as I read it again, it's just mean.

Maybe it is best I let it lie for another day (not sure I can since I'm obviously fired up about it).

[sste]

Your DH has crossed a line and is being passive-aggressive and cruel. I agree with other posters that it would be best if he realized this himself and corrected it. If he does not do that by let's say Friday night or Saturrday morning, I would tell him in no uncertain terms that you will be celebrating mother's day with your DC. Period.

It is one thing for your DH to blow up and say this in a moment's rage. But, if he is actually going through with this and has persisted in his plan for days (or even more than a few hours), that is one of the meanest things I have heard. In your shoes, I would be speed dialing the marital therapist and giving great thought to whether this is an isolated incident or a pattern of behavior.

Consider making an appointment with a marital therapist for you and DH. It sounds like its needed - - and it also sends an important message to your DH that this bull**** will not be tolerated and the two you will resolve your issues as adults, not in childish and cruel ways.

[Clarity]

If it were me, I would not even mention the email or plans for MD until maybe Saturday. Maybe by then you guys will cool off and the air will clear. I really would not discuss it at all until then....but that's just they way I handle things with DH. It usuallly works out just fine.

This is what I would do as well. Ignore the bait, work on getting along and then discuss plans for Mother's Day on Saturday. FWIW, my dh wanted to take the girls and leave me 4 hours at home to myself for the day as well. I suggested he take them and I go shopping instead. :yay:

[bubbaray]

I really think DH is doing this as "punishment". He's deliberately trying to make me miserable on MD (and today), because of other issues that have been going on.



See, THIS is what makes it different than other posters's H's volunteering to take the kids for a day or a few hours.

I think you need to confront him. Sorry, I know its probably the last thing you want to do, but I think you need to call his bluff.

GL!

[Clarity]

It is different from my dh's offering to take the kids, I agree. BUT, in my experience threats made in anger would never be said if calmer heads had prevailed. I think if you ignore the bluff and give it a day or two to go away you may diffuse the problem. If it doesn't and he's still acting heavy-handed by the weekend, yeah, let him know YOU will be taking your child on MD and he can go visit HIS mother without the two of you. No bluffing.

[MamaMolly]

I think you need to decide what you want. Your DH is itching for a fight, but that doesn't mean you have to take the bait ~unless you want to. But I think you need to decide if you want peace or to continue the war. It really is in your hands.

If I were feeling b!tc*y I might go ahead and book myself a spa day, and email back a gushingly sweet thank you for him giving you a much needed day off. Steal his thunder by not replying to his nasty tone, but take him up on it. Let him have his nasty way. No doubt he has it coming, he's being a brat.

But if I wanted peace in my home I might sit next to him, take his face in my hands and tell him how sorry I am that we aren't getting along, that you miss him as your friend, and you need his help to get back in a good place with each other.

DH and I went through some rough $h!t this year and have had to actively work on even tolerating each other, then work on being kind, work on being friends, then lovers again. Believe me, I have launched my share of grenades and eaten my share of humble pie. No judgements here. I've worn all the hats in this one.

Wishing you the best...

[infomama]

If I were in your shoes I would stand firm. There is no way in he!! I would allow him to take the kids on MD...that's just crazy. I don't think I would get into it with him right now but seriously where does he get off treating you like that?

[shawnandangel]

I think you need to decide what you want. Your DH is itching for a fight, but that doesn't mean you have to take the bait ~unless you want to. But I think you need to decide if you want peace or to continue the war. It really is in your hands.

If I were feeling b!tc*y I might go ahead and book myself a spa day, and email back a gushingly sweet thank you for him giving you a much needed day off. Steal his thunder by not replying to his nasty tone, but take him up on it. Let him have his nasty way. No doubt he has it coming, he's being a brat.

But if I wanted peace in my home I might sit next to him, take his face in my hands and tell him how sorry I am that we aren't getting along, that you miss him as your friend, and you need his help to get back in a good place with each other.

DH and I went through some rough $h!t this year and have had to actively work on even tolerating each other, then work on being kind, work on being friends, then lovers again. Believe me, I have launched my share of grenades and eaten my share of humble pie. No judgements here. I've worn all the hats in this one.

Wishing you the best...

:yeahthat: I think this is one of the best posts I have ever read. Molly is spot on. I also agree with pp's who have suggested marital counseling.

Good luck! I hope you work it out. I'll be praying for peace in your household.

[squimp]

I think you need to decide what you want. Your DH is itching for a fight, but that doesn't mean you have to take the bait ~unless you want to. But I think you need to decide if you want peace or to continue the war. It really is in your hands.

If I were feeling b!tc*y I might go ahead and book myself a spa day, and email back a gushingly sweet thank you for him giving you a much needed day off. Steal his thunder by not replying to his nasty tone, but take him up on it. Let him have his nasty way. No doubt he has it coming, he's being a brat.

But if I wanted peace in my home I might sit next to him, take his face in my hands and tell him how sorry I am that we aren't getting along, that you miss him as your friend, and you need his help to get back in a good place with each other.

DH and I went through some rough $h!t this year and have had to actively work on even tolerating each other, then work on being kind, work on being friends, then lovers again. Believe me, I have launched my share of grenades and eaten my share of humble pie. No judgements here. I've worn all the hats in this one.

Wishing you the best...

Those are some wise words!

[mommy111]

If I were you, I'd play the game right back, book a spa appt (preferably with an overnight hotel stay starting Saturday), a pedicure and a manicure, take a single/non mom friend or your mom out for lunch (all on the common budget) and then send him a sugar sweet email saying 'Honey, its so nice of you to be so considerate for mother's day. Enjoy time with your mom and I will see you when I get back Sunday evening. And, since you're being such a wonderful husband, I would totally appreciate it if you had dinner ready when I get back on Sunday'

But....in all reality, I would probably follow mammamolly's advice over mine...she still has a husband and I don't any more ;)