Advice for non-stop whining in a 4 year old? I can't take it anymore!

[jerseygirl07067]

It's been getting worse over the past 1-2 months but has really gotten bad over the past 1-2 weeks. Everything out of her mouth is in an extreme whining tone, all of the sudden. It's as if she doesn't even know how to talk without the tone. It's driving us crazy, to the point where I dread being around her. (I know that sounds bad, but I"m being honest) My husband has even less tolerance for it than I do.

We just brought our new baby home this week, and I am trying to be as tolerant as possible and give Julia and Sammy lots of attention. Between DH and I we are doing a great job so I honestly don't think this is related to the baby, since it's been doing on a while. It's even more difficult to tolerate when you're sleep deprived....nails on a chalkboard at this point!

How do you deal? Any hopes on modifying her behavior to lessen this? Other than some cocktails for DH and I, lol. Sammy, her 5 y/o sister, never went through this. It's awful, worse than the terrible 2/3's.

[WatchingThemGrow]

Oh, goodness. I can tell you from experience that screaming/whining back at her doesn't work - at least with almost 3 yos. Ask me how I know!!!

We keep telling DD something like, "Really, ____, we aren't able to hear and understand what you are saying when you whine. If you just talk to us in a regular voice, we may be able to do what you are asking." She is actually starting to respond in a normal voice and asking if we can understand her in that voice! I didn't think it would work, but it seems to!

And...CONGRATULATIONS on the new arrival! Besides the whining, is everyone holding up okay? My due date is just 5 days later than yours was, so I'm taking your new siggie with seriousness. I need to watch what I eat and do. We are NOWHERE near ready to have a baby come home!

[bubbaray]

Yeah, we do the "I'm sorry, I can't hear you when you talk like that. Try using your big girl voice". I bet that most of the whining is due to the new arrival, but also partly due to the age. 4 is definitely a challenge (5 isn't a picnic either, LOL).

Congratulations!

[jerseygirl07067]

Thanks, we are going to try that. I also found this on another board that I frequent, and thought it was a great idea, so I'll paste it below:

"We give DD a "reset" when she whines. A 'reset' is a nonpunitive, brief time-out, during which DD has to stay quiet, like sitting in the penalty box when you've broken a rule in sports. Takes the kid out of the action for a brief time, then when she's done it's right back into the action with renewed opportunities for success. When the reset's done, I say, "Okay, game on!" and smile. Then I say, "What were you trying to tell me? I couldn't understand you because you weren't using a normal voice." Usually she tries to say it again and makes a real effort to control her voice, and I praise her for the effort and self-control. She still whines a lot, but she's working on it. (Got these suggestions from Howard Glasser's various books on the Nurtured Heart Approach.)"

I am going to try this too.

WatchingThemGrow - About your due date...yes, be careful! I think I figured out what it was. We had Julia's 4 yr birthday party a few weeks ago and set out cheese and cold cuts for people to make subs. After sitting out for a few hours, DH took the cheese and put it back into the fridge. I would have thrown it away, since cheese gets gross once it's been sitting out, but DH isn't very good when it comes to food handling. He uses his pocketknife for everything, including cutting slices of apples for himself and the kids. It drives me crazy and it took forever for him to stop doing that. Anyhoo....be careful, and good luck with the rest of your pregnancy! I do have a history of preterm labor though, Julia was also 5 weeks early, but this one was progressing fine without any issue. Less stress maybe? But the food poisoning changed all that!

[JamiMac]

My DD is 4.5 and I could have written your post, well minus the new baby part. I'm beginning to think she doesn't remember how to talk any other way. It's driving me nuts, too. I keep telling her I don't understand her and to say it again. I remember my older DD did this too, and she doesn't whine now. I think there's hope!

[WatchingThemGrow]

WatchingThemGrow - About your due date...yes, be careful! I think I figured out what it was. We had Julia's 4 yr birthday party a few weeks ago and set out cheese and cold cuts for people to make subs. After sitting out for a few hours, DH took the cheese and put it back into the fridge. I would have thrown it away, since cheese gets gross once it's been sitting out, but DH isn't very good when it comes to food handling. He uses his pocketknife for everything, including cutting slices of apples for himself and the kids. It drives me crazy and it took forever for him to stop doing that. Anyhoo....be careful, and good luck with the rest of your pregnancy! I do have a history of preterm labor though, Julia was also 5 weeks early, but this one was progressing fine without any issue. Less stress maybe? But the food poisoning changed all that!

I just started eating stuff out of our CSA box. I need to make sure I handle everything properly and wash/cook it all appropriately. And...I'll be careful with DD's party food next weekend!

FWIW, I read your siggie to DH and he IMMEDIATELY climbed in to the attic to get the Bugaboo bassinet, wants to know where the sheets are, etc. I do need to get my carseat back from my friend - like tomorrow!!

[mommy111]

Goodness, i could have written your post upto a month ago. DD does exactly the same, only she has gotten better over the past month because we were visiting grandma and my mom has a no-tolerance policy on whining (from gentle reinders to a 'talk' about how we do everything for you and you need to be grateful....my mom is a very old fashioned disciplinarian, she can instill guilt like noone else, I have watched her do it for 30 odd years and still haven't learnt)
BUT...with me, its still a lot of whining, wanting to be picked up etc etc.
:grouphug: to you, I am sure this, too, shall pass!

[deannanb]

:waving4:
It will get better.
DD "knew" something was happening -
her life was going to be majorly interrupted -
new baby - and now all of the attention she had is gone.

it is all about the attention - take her out by yourself - or DH or get someone else to take only her -

we are going through the same thing -

Good Luck!

[citymama]

CONGRATULATIONS on the new baby! :D
Wow, that's great news - did we miss a thread announcing the new arrival?

Sorry you are dealing with a non-stop whinefest. I feel for you but also a twinge for the displaced big sister. I'm trying to think of some positive incentives for talking in a regular voice - maybe make it humorous? We sometimes do a "wait, I think I hear someone talking but it sounds really far away" and then when she says what we want to hear we say "ca-ching! I can hear you now! Nice work!" But it sounds like you have a more heavy-duty whiner on your hands. Good luck and enjoy the new baby!

[rachelh]

I was coming to ask for advice for my non-stop whining almost 3 year old DD when I found this thread. Please don't tell me it lasts that long!! I am literally at my wits end and unfortunately (or fortunately due to the whining) I am only with her for about an hour in the AM before daycare/work and for
2 1/2 hours in the evening. That little time I spend with her is non-stop from the second she wakes up until she goes to sleep. Daycare teacher says she doesn't whine there but for someone to whine so much at home and not at all at daycare...not sure thats possible!

[brittone2]

Congratulations!

We do a lot of scripting "why don't you try...." and then I give him a different way to say it. Or I say, "can you say that in a different voice?" and it usually works after a try or two.

Personally, no matter how much attention, etc. she's getting, I still think the whining could be a combo of being 4 plus the intro of the new sibling.

[hillview]

"uh oh my ears are bleeding"
"do you hear that little mouse in the corner?"
"I think I hear the tickle machine coming"
"mommy's head is about to explode"

All of these are a sign to DS #1 that the whining had better stop. Said in a playful way. It typically works. If that doesn't work, he is invited to leave the room until he wants to talk in a voice I can understand (also said in a cheerful way).
/hillary

[justincase]

Hugs and empathy, Marcy! :hug: We are going through this, too, with our 3 yo DS. I have to say that it might have more to do with the baby than you think -- even though you are doing a great job spending time with DD, she still knows her world has changed. DS, too, was already whining before the babe but increased after she came home.

I love the idea of "we can't understand you" but it just doesn't work on DS. He is *incredibly* literal and will respond by repeating himself, still whining, more and more loudly or simply over and over, asking "Do you understand me NOW?!" ... sometimes I think he is just taking us literally but other times I see the glint in his eye and think he is being "wise" and pushing buttons on purpose.

Instead, what's worked is to talk to him about it when he isn't whining. "You know, Mommy and Daddy have been grumpy a lot lately at your whining. Wouldn't it be great if you tried really hard for the rest of the day not to whine? We'd all be much happier. Wouldn't you be happier?" Then again, this kind of thing has always worked for him for issues from staying in bed until a reasonable time in the am to pottying.

Good luck!

ETA: When I say "what's worked" I mean that very loosely. It has worked enough to keep us sane for now... Not perfect, though! :)

[hillview]

Oh and the other thing I would add is that if DS is over tired all bets are off and he gets fed and put to bed asap and whining is ignored/tolerated. Often for us whining is a TIRED sign.
/hillary

[jerseygirl07067]

:waving4:
It will get better.
DD "knew" something was happening -
her life was going to be majorly interrupted -
new baby - and now all of the attention she had is gone.

it is all about the attention - take her out by yourself - or DH or get someone else to take only her -

we are going through the same thing -

Good Luck!


Ugh...you may be right, which has brought me to tears at the moment. (I guess those post partum hormones are in full swing!) I also feel bad about her older DD. She was only 16 months old when DD #2 was born, and DD #2 (the whiney one) has always demanded more of my attention. DD #1 is so independent and I often tell DH I would love to take her out separately since i always feel like I am not giving her enough attention, but it really doesn't seem to phase her at all. But DD #2 is quite phased by it alright!!

Looks like I'll be scheduling some little dates with the both of them once I can get out....