Newsweek article- Mothering as a Spectator Sport

[elliput]

The author of "Free-Range Kids" on why it's time for us to stop obsessing about childhood dangers and the consequences of every decision we—and other moms—make.

http://www.newsweek.com/id/196023

----------------------------------------------
This article is written by the woman who last year at her son's urging, let him find his way home from a location which with he was not familiar.

A couple of years ago, someone had a question about our plans for our children's education- public, private or homeschool. I said I plan to drop DD off in the woods and let her join a pack of wolves. While in jest, I do think it is important for our children to learn to be street-wise, and by keeping kids locked up in our houses, chauffeured to and from every play-date, dance class and t-ball practice, we do not encourage our children to become self-sufficient and productive adults.

[stella]

I love it.

Recently a friend really ticked me off with a statement she made about my son.

While I was home and this friend was home, I sent my 7 year old to her house on a bike to help her dd find a toy (my ds was the last one who had played with it). She lives one block away from me. Her house backs up to the houses across the street from me.

The next time I saw her she said "Please watch him. They found that little girl in California in a suitcase." and while I don't wish for any of my children to be abducted, sexually assaulted, murdered and stuffed in a suitcase, I was pretty ticked at the implication that I am a neglectful parent for allowing my child to ride his bike to her house via the alley, where for 200 yards, he is out of my sight before he reaches her house.

I am *not* blind to the terrible things people do to children - I work as a felony prosecutor, for heaven's sake - but I am not going to keep my children roped to my side all day every day - especially as they start to grow up.

Anyway - that article touched a nerve, and I enjoyed reading it. Thanks.

[Ceepa]

While my DC are still young I'm going to be more protective of them but I hope as they grow older to revisit this issue and give them more freedom.

[mamaoftwins]

Anyway - that article touched a nerve, and I enjoyed reading it. Thanks.

:yeahthat: Same here. Thanks for sharing that!

[dogmom]

Wasn't the girl found in a suitcase at a friend's house, who the family knew, and they have arrested her mother? People often miss the point in these things, it's the people you know usually.

Well, I guess it's what you want for your kids. Whether you want them to grow up and be independent and happy on their own, or lost adults unable to do anything themselves. I truly morn the times I had running independent as a kid that my children will never get. Just walking to school seems to be a no-no.

Good article.

[elliput]

Wasn't the girl found in a suitcase at a friend's house, who the family knew, and they have arrested her mother? People often miss the point in these things, it's the people you know usually.

Yes, it was the mother of the girl's playmate who has been charged with her murder. In addition, she was a Sunday school teacher. The suitcase was found in a retention pond, I believe. The woman accused reported the suitcase as stolen.

[wendibird22]

Great article.
I'm a child of the 70's. I rode my bike w/ friends 6 blocks to the 7-11 just about every day during the summer for a slurpee or penny candy. As a kindergardener I walked home from school ever day w/ my kindi friends from the neighborhood. Parents expected that the 5th and 6th graders would keep an eye out for us. Now that same school district has a 100% busing policy. Even the kids who live a spits throw from the school parking lot are asked to ride the bus. I played soccer, did gymnastics, and was in the school musical...all of which involved after school practices. My parents never once attended a practice. Games yes, practices no. Now you'd be hard pressed to find a parent not at a practice to keep an eye on the coach for verbal or physical abuse, but mostly to not come across to other parents as being a bad parent. And some how we managed to make it to a friends house, or get a ride home from somewhere, or ask to stay a few minutes later, or inform our parents that our plans had changed, all without a cell phone.

There's nothing wrong with being an informed parent with a healthy dose of caution and common sense. But I think it is too bad that we are raising our children in such a culture of fear.

[maestramommy]

:bighand:Thanks for sharing!

[TwinFoxes]

I'm really happy to read this thread. I've read a lot of posts about things people won't do for "security reasons." It's interesting to hear from posters who have a different perspective. I don't want my kids growing up thinking there's danger lurking just outside the door. At the same time, everyone wants their kids to be safe...it's such a hard balance!

[Piglet]

DH is a big fan of the free-range kids idea, but I am over-protective. My parents were always over-protective and his let him ride the bus on his own when he was 6 or thereabouts. I am learning to ease up a bit now that DS1 is nearing age 8. It is so hard to imagine letting our kids go when they are young but they really do need to learn street smarts for their own safety. I also highly recommend "Protecting the Gift" - chock-ful of information on stranger danger and how to prepare our kids.

[egoldber]

There's nothing wrong with being an informed parent with a healthy dose of caution and common sense. But I think it is too bad that we are raising our children in such a culture of fear.

I agree. I think we do our kids a great disservice by sending them a message that they are not capable of figuring things out.

Sarah shocked me by asking to go to Girl Scout sleep away camp this year. I was all set to say no way when it struck me the message I was sending by saying that was "I don't think you are capable of doing something that YOU think you ARE capable of doing." Instead, we sat down and talked about challenges she might face at camp: unfamiliar foods (a big one for her because she is very picky), self care tasks, going to bed without familiar rituals, etc.

Well she has SHOCKED me by rising to the occasion. She's making herself try new foods. She talked to older scouts who had been to the camp about what types of foods they had and then asked to try those at home. She has learned how to do many things I have always done for her. She has deliberately changed her nighttime rituals to be self sufficient. I am so proud of what she has done on her own to meet a goal that is important to her.

I will be worried sick about her while she is gone, but she wants to go, and has proved to me she will make the effort to do what it takes. Even if she is miserable for a few days, she'll know that she can do something on her own that she sets out to do, and that's the adult I want her to be when she grows up.

[maestramommy]

I agree. I think we do our kids a great disservice by sending them a message that they are not capable of figuring things out.

Sarah shocked me by asking to go to Girl Scout sleep away camp this year. I was all set to say no way when it struck me the message I was sending by saying that was "I don't think you are capable of doing something that YOU think you ARE capable of doing." Instead, we sat down and talked about challenges she might face at camp: unfamiliar foods (a big one for her because she is very picky), self care tasks, going to bed without familiar rituals, etc.

Well she has SHOCKED me by rising to the occasion. She's making herself try new foods. She talked to older scouts who had been to the camp about what types of foods they had and then asked to try those at home. She has learned how to do many things I have always done for her. She has deliberately changed her nighttime rituals to be self sufficient. I am so proud of what she has done on her own to meet a goal that is important to her.

I will be worried sick about her while she is gone, but she wants to go, and has proved to me she will make the effort to do what it takes. Even if she is miserable for a few days, she'll know that she can do something on her own that she sets out to do, and that's the adult I want her to be when she grows up.

That is so awesome Beth! Hurray for Sarah!!

Since Dora's started preschool, she has totally surprised me by what she can do. One day I went to pick her up, and she had her boots on backwards. I thought maybe the teacher put them on that way because there were a lot of kids, so I didn't say anything. The second day that happened the teacher made a point to tell me that Dora has been dressing herself each day before going out. I was like, "huh??" So now, every time she says she wants to do something herself, I let her, even though it can take forever.

[TwinFoxes]

Well she has SHOCKED me by rising to the occasion. She's making herself try new foods. She talked to older scouts who had been to the camp about what types of foods they had and then asked to try those at home.

This is totally off topic, but what a smart girl! That's very impressive that she thought to ask older scouts what foods she might have to try.

[fivi2]

My girls are still young, but I do think about this a lot...

My fear isn't of strangers so much as traffic. I grew up in suburbia with tons of cul-de-sacs. We live in a fairly urban area and all the streets are through streets. People go way too fast and there are few sidewalks. But, I do still see quite a few kids walking around or riding bikes in the area. But I know I will still worry about careless drivers.

[pinkmomagain]

I agree. I think we do our kids a great disservice by sending them a message that they are not capable of figuring things out.

Sarah shocked me by asking to go to Girl Scout sleep away camp this year. I was all set to say no way when it struck me the message I was sending by saying that was "I don't think you are capable of doing something that YOU think you ARE capable of doing." Instead, we sat down and talked about challenges she might face at camp: unfamiliar foods (a big one for her because she is very picky), self care tasks, going to bed without familiar rituals, etc.

Well she has SHOCKED me by rising to the occasion. She's making herself try new foods. She talked to older scouts who had been to the camp about what types of foods they had and then asked to try those at home. She has learned how to do many things I have always done for her. She has deliberately changed her nighttime rituals to be self sufficient. I am so proud of what she has done on her own to meet a goal that is important to her.

I will be worried sick about her while she is gone, but she wants to go, and has proved to me she will make the effort to do what it takes. Even if she is miserable for a few days, she'll know that she can do something on her own that she sets out to do, and that's the adult I want her to be when she grows up.


This is such a great story, Beth!!!

I agree it's a tough balance. And then there is the whole parent thing...I'm more laid back, and my dh is more overprotective. I always need to work on him to give my oldest more freedom. She has expressed a desire to go to sleepaway camp, and dh is adamant about saying no. I'm hoping in another year or two we can give her that experience, even if it's just for two weeks (not the whole summer)...I was thinking today that it would be good for her to get a taste of being on her own before looking at colleges in a few years.

[egoldber]

Just to clarify, her camp is only one week and it's really only 6 nights and barely 5 days since they get dropped off late on Sunday and picked up early on Saturday. :)

[elliput]

:cheerleader1:This is way cool, Beth! I hope Sarah is able to go and has a great time.

[Melarina]

Beth, your daughter's efforts to prepare herself for camp sound so impressive! I hope I can help DD learn to be such a resourceful and self-confident girl.

[malphy]

Oh, I so agree with this. By sheltering our children we prevent them from building skills they need to be safe. Most important is that little thing we call gut instinct or street smarts. That is a skill that gets developed by dealing with challenging situations. If they are never challenged they won't learn. You can talk until you are blue in the face about stanger danger, etc. but if their gut doesn't tell them something is wrong the are at great risk.

My dn moved from bklyn ny to fla. After living there about a year someone tried to abduct her. she just knew something was not right. She was on her bike and this car was following her then passed her and slowed down ahead of her. He tried to grab her but she dropped her bike and ran screaming at the top of her lungs down the middle of the street.

I attribute her smarts on this to growing up in a tough neighborhood in bklyn. I myself grew up in a tough area of Bklyn and survived unscathed. Took public buses and subways to get to 7th grade & up. From 1-6 grade had to walk with other kids for several blocks across busy avenues.

I say give them more freedom but reasonably. Just like I let dd fall down. If she doesn't learn to get back up and brush yourself off after a fall she is not going to be well prepared for life in general. She won't learn resiliency, self-confidence, persistence from lectures or a book but from real life experience. Yes, it is scary-you dont want your loved ones to get hurt-but you cannot watch them 24-7, 365.

I say give them the freedom to hone their skills and avoid situations like Sandra Cantu or any of the other tragic young deaths.

I could go on but dd just woke up.

[lorinick]

I love it.

Recently a friend really ticked me off with a statement she made about my son.

While I was home and this friend was home, I sent my 7 year old to her house on a bike to help her dd find a toy (my ds was the last one who had played with it). She lives one block away from me. Her house backs up to the houses across the street from me.

The next time I saw her she said "Please watch him. They found that little girl in California in a suitcase." and while I don't wish for any of my children to be abducted, sexually assaulted, murdered and stuffed in a suitcase, I was pretty ticked at the implication that I am a neglectful parent for allowing my child to ride his bike to her house via the alley, where for 200 yards, he is out of my sight before he reaches her house.

I am *not* blind to the terrible things people do to children - I work as a felony prosecutor, for heaven's sake - but I am not going to keep my children roped to my side all day every day - especially as they start to grow up.

Anyway - that article touched a nerve, and I enjoyed reading it. Thanks.
Stella I agree with you I let my eight year old ride his bike around the block and I have a neighbor who I know thinks were crazy. Her child the same age is never outside and is always inside playing every kind of video/computer gaget ever invented. I think it is very important for our children
to learn street smarts. I worry about my child but I don't obsesse about it. Bad things happen we can't change that. It doesn't happen as often as we think. The media coverage on stories like the suitcase is talked about so often. I can't bubble wrap my children and never let them live. So I guess if our children bike their bikes outside and we can't see them were bad parents. That's their option.
t

[malphy]

I also want to add that based on todays "standards" many of our parents would be in jail for child neglect. Particularly the kids who grew up in the 70's or in urban areas.

That scares me very much because I could get in trouble for raising my dd the way I was raised.

[lovin2shop]

I agree generally and really want to teach my kids independence and self reliance. The only thing that worries me is that I don't feel like we really have "safety in numbers" anymore. Since lots of kids aren't out on their own anymore, I feel like the ones who are become that much more vulnerable and at risk. So, I haven't quite worked out in my mind how much freedom I feel comfortable giving my DS yet.

[wellyes]

I played soccer, did gymnastics, and was in the school musical...all of which involved after school practices. My parents never once attended a practice. Games yes, practices no. Now you'd be hard pressed to find a parent not at a practice to keep an eye on the coach for verbal or physical abuse, but mostly to not come across to other parents as being a bad parent.

Parents hang out during practice? Really? Is that common? My DD is just a baby still, so this world of parenthood is still new to me. I can't imagine just sitting there during every practice or rehearsal; I want my daughter to know that grownups have their own lives. I remember wondering at what glamorous things my mom was off doing while while I was taking majorette lessons LOL.

[brittone2]

I agree. I think we do our kids a great disservice by sending them a message that they are not capable of figuring things out.

Sarah shocked me by asking to go to Girl Scout sleep away camp this year. I was all set to say no way when it struck me the message I was sending by saying that was "I don't think you are capable of doing something that YOU think you ARE capable of doing." Instead, we sat down and talked about challenges she might face at camp: unfamiliar foods (a big one for her because she is very picky), self care tasks, going to bed without familiar rituals, etc.

Well she has SHOCKED me by rising to the occasion. She's making herself try new foods. She talked to older scouts who had been to the camp about what types of foods they had and then asked to try those at home. She has learned how to do many things I have always done for her. She has deliberately changed her nighttime rituals to be self sufficient. I am so proud of what she has done on her own to meet a goal that is important to her.

I will be worried sick about her while she is gone, but she wants to go, and has proved to me she will make the effort to do what it takes. Even if she is miserable for a few days, she'll know that she can do something on her own that she sets out to do, and that's the adult I want her to be when she grows up.

Beth, I loved this story. Even if she opts to skip camp for some reason (changes her mind)...you must be *so* proud of her :)

[lorinick]

Parents hang out during practice? Really? Is that common? My DD is just a baby still, so this world of parenthood is still new to me. I can't imagine just sitting there during every practice or rehearsal; I want my daughter to know that grownups have their own lives. I remember wondering at what glamorous things my mom was off doing while while I was taking majorette lessons LOL.

Yes we just sit around it's crazy. But no one leaves. My ds will turn 9 in July I just started leaving him at baseball pratice since he could walk home and we know everyone. It's so boring to sit around for a two hour practice. This has been the first year I don't say everytime. Boy my parents never went to practice with me. Times have changed.

[mamaoftwins]

My parents never once attended a practice. Games yes, practices no. Now you'd be hard pressed to find a parent not at a practice to keep an eye on the coach for verbal or physical abuse, but mostly to not come across to other parents as being a bad parent.


Parents hang out during practice? Really? Is that common? My DD is just a baby still, so this world of parenthood is still new to me. I can't imagine just sitting there during every practice or rehearsal; I want my daughter to know that grownups have their own lives.

What???? Parents go hang out at practice now - are you kidding me??? I guess I'm gonna be that 'bad mom' then around here b/c there is no way I am sitting around watching practice. Games, of course, but practice, no way. I think the boys will just as much need time away from us to do their own thing as I will need time from them. My kids do not need me looking over their shoulder 24/7.

And Beth, I also wanted to say that I love your story. You must feel so proud of Sarah! Congrats. :)

[lovin2shop]

And Beth, I also wanted to say that I love your story. You must feel so proud of Sarah! Congrats. :)

Me too! I especially love the trying new foods part as another mother of an extremely picky one! Maybe there is hope...

[g-mama]

What???? Parents go hang out at practice now - are you kidding me??? I guess I'm gonna be that 'bad mom' then around here b/c there is no way I am sitting around watching practice. Games, of course, but practice, no way. I think the boys will just as much need time away from us to do their own thing as I will need time from them. My kids do not need me looking over their shoulder 24/7.



This is really interesting to me. My ds (8 1/2) has soccer practice every Wed. evening and I always stay. And I am definitely NOT an overprotective parent and agree with this article wholeheartedly. Our practice is about 10 mins away from our house and I have to take my younger two boys with me. I play with them on the playground equipment, if there is any, or they just play with each other and I talk w/ the other parents, most of whom are there, too. I guess it's a matter of convenience. Practice lasts about 1 hr - 1 hr 15 mins and it's not really worth my time to drive all the way home and then back again. It's not that I'm worried - he's with the coach and 11 other boys - and I hope I don't seem like a helicopter parent!

[citymama]

Sarah shocked me by asking to go to Girl Scout sleep away camp this year. I was all set to say no way when it struck me the message I was sending by saying that was "I don't think you are capable of doing something that YOU think you ARE capable of doing." Instead, we sat down and talked about challenges she might face at camp: unfamiliar foods (a big one for her because she is very picky), self care tasks, going to bed without familiar rituals, etc.

Well she has SHOCKED me by rising to the occasion. She's making herself try new foods. She talked to older scouts who had been to the camp about what types of foods they had and then asked to try those at home. She has learned how to do many things I have always done for her. She has deliberately changed her nighttime rituals to be self sufficient. I am so proud of what she has done on her own to meet a goal that is important to her.

I will be worried sick about her while she is gone, but she wants to go, and has proved to me she will make the effort to do what it takes. Even if she is miserable for a few days, she'll know that she can do something on her own that she sets out to do, and that's the adult I want her to be when she grows up.

Such a wonderful story! You must be so proud of your girl, and it sounds like you are being the kind of supportive parent I can only aspire to me (I would start hyper-ventilating, but my DH would balance us out!) My DH took his first camping trip away from home with his school at age 7 or 8, for a whole week, long before cell phones or other ways to keep tabs on kids. It was such a formative experience for him, and he still talks about it (and subsequent camping trips as a kid away from home). Knowing what a worry-wart his mom is, I am amazed she let him go, but I think she did what you're doing - held her tongue and didn't allow her worrying to hold back her child's independence. Bravo to you and Sarah!

[mamaoftwins]

This is really interesting to me. My ds (8 1/2) has soccer practice every Wed. evening and I always stay. And I am definitely NOT an overprotective parent and agree with this article wholeheartedly. Our practice is about 10 mins away from our house and I have to take my younger two boys with me. I play with them on the playground equipment, if there is any, or they just play with each other and I talk w/ the other parents, most of whom are there, too. I guess it's a matter of convenience. Practice lasts about 1 hr - 1 hr 15 mins and it's not really worth my time to drive all the way home and then back again. It's not that I'm worried - he's with the coach and 11 other boys - and I hope I don't seem like a helicopter parent!

Nope, you don't seem like a helicopter parent, and I can totally see your point here with it being a matter of convenience and a nice time for your younger two boys to play at the playground. This I can see. :)

[JamiMac]

Every parent on my DD's soccer team stays for the practices. She's 7.5 and has been playing for 3 years now. It's never bothered me because my 2 younger ones get to play outside during practice. My friend in California goes (or her husband) to all of her kids practices and they are older than mine. I think that is just what everyone does now. The only thing I've dropped off for is ballet, I've never watched that. I think it also has to do with activities being farther away from home. Once you drive there, there's not much time to go away and then come back in traffic. Sadly, soccer is a mommy-social event now for me too. :)

[Piglet]

I think g-mama hit it on the head here - the main reason we stick around for practice is that we are the chauffeurs, LOL. It makes no sense to drive to the practice, go home and then turn around and do pick-up. When kids can walk/bike to practice from home, there is no need for the parents to be at practice. That is one of the problems with the way our neighbourhoods are designed - suburbs create chauffeur mommies :( I cringe everytime I see the bumper sticker "Mom's Taxi" and yet I realize that that is me these days. I rarely see kids walking to school - they are all bouncing around (without carseats or seatbelts) in the back of the SUV's around here. Seems to me that walking to school is much safer than not being restrained in a car!? No, the helicopter mom is the mom at my DS's judo class that often times interrupts the teacher to call her boys aside and tell them that she is not impressed with them... UGGHHH! I tend to use the opportunity of an hour long class to run errnads, take my other kids to the park or hang out doing sudoku puzzles.

[sste]

OK, I do agree with this as far as social development and much classroom stuff - - I think hyper-involvement in the case of a non-special needs child can cut short important learning. Including the key lessons that the world is not fair and does not revolve around oneself.

However, I can tell you right now what I will be way protective about - - cars. I am very worried about DS getting hit by a car because he is not being properly supervised or isn't 100% reliable on looking both ways (which btw I am still not, too much thinking and walking). And I don't want DS to drive until he is 21. I am not joking, I don't care if he drinks earlier, my view is the drinking age limit and driving age limit should be REVERSED!

[american_mama]

I really enjoyed that article and agree with many posters comments. I have not thought much about whether overprotectiveness underestimates or short changes kids competence, but rather the message it sends. I think it makes parents and children alike feel that nothing and no one is safe, and that is not a feeling I want to foster.

It also reduces individuality, I think, as though all parents must follow the same parenting standards or face the group pressure to toe the safety line. The extreme of this is what a a few people have touched on: the judgement, both personal and legal, that accompanies giving your kids more freedom. I don't dwell on this, but the potential legal consequences of deviating from safety standards scare me (like that Chicago mom who was arrested and investigated by CPS for briefly leaving her sleeping toddler in the locked car, in her sight, while her older children put coins in a Salvation Army kettle.) My DD walks to and from school, as do all the children in our neighborhood. I had always thought it would be our family's choice when and if DD can walk on her own, but no, the school has a policy on when it's allowed. (To their credit, it seems flexible).

I feel like safety represents so many things bigger than just the desire for your child to be unharmed. I think parents focus on safety because it makes them feel they can control the un-controllable and because it is more concrete than so many other parenting decisions ("I am a good mother becuase I follow these car seat or transportation or food rules"). I think sometimes we use it to feel superior to other parents or to feel socially accepted. I feel like some of those motivations and judgements have crept into this board at times. All of these desires are normal, but why not just focus on our true motivations rather than the convenient mantra of safety?

Of course, the flip side of this is that danger does exist. As a previous poster said, it's such a hard balance. I wish we talked more about how to achieve that balance rather than making black-white decisions about safe and un-safe.

For instance, I let my 4 year old play in the yard alone. DH does not agree, but I know that 1) we live on a cul de sac with little traffic especially during the day 2) DD does not stray from the yard, especially during the day 3) DD usually hangs out around our front porch, right by the porch 4) even in winter, I keep a window and/or door open when she's outside to better hear her and I look through a window frequently 5) I do not leave the first floor of the house when she is outside alone and 6) she and, not least of all, *I* will go crazy if she does not get to spend some time outside and me some time ALONE. I identified each of those considerations in deciding whether we could afford to "take the risk" of her being outside alone, and I thought the answer seemed a clear yes.

Wouldn't that be an interesting spin for the parenting magazines: how to decide if something is safe for your child rather than a simple declaration that something is or isn't.

[C99]

I totally agree with her. I recently joined a Chicago-based parenting board and there have been nearly daily posts about bad nanny/parent sightings. I have usually done about 2/3 of the stuff reported in the post. OTOH, I think the Internet allows us to validate ourselves as parents and bounce ideas off of people. But the flip side of that is that the Internet allows us to feel justified in judging other parents when they do things we wouldn't.

[C99]

I don't dwell on this, but the potential legal consequences of deviating from safety standards scare me (like that Chicago mom who was arrested and investigated by CPS for briefly leaving her sleeping toddler in the locked car, in her sight, while her older children put coins in a Salvation Army kettle.)

Me too. Especially because what she did was LEGAL. It's legal to leave a child in a car, unsupervised, for up to 10 minutes in the state of Illinois. That case irritates me to no end.



Wouldn't that be an interesting spin for the parenting magazines: how to decide if something is safe for your child rather than a simple declaration that something is or isn't.

Yes, but Karen -- then the patriarchal media would have to admit that we can think for ourselves! The horror!

[american_mama]

>>> Yes, but Karen -- then the patriarchal media would have to admit that we can think for ourselves! The horror![/QUOTE]


You should check out the other thread I just commented on. Some patriarchy discussion in that article:

http://www.windsorpeak.com/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=323208

[melrose7]

Parents hang out during practice? Really? Is that common? My DD is just a baby still, so this world of parenthood is still new to me. I can't imagine just sitting there during every practice or rehearsal; I want my daughter to know that grownups have their own lives. I remember wondering at what glamorous things my mom was off doing while while I was taking majorette lessons LOL.
I think it must depend on where you live. My children are too young yet to have practice but I am a nanny to 2 school aged children (9, 11)and I am pretty much the chaffuer. There are no parents at any of the practices. Some parents may get there a little early to see the end but it would be very uncommon here for that too happen. I take them to soccer (3x a week), swimming (3x a week), gymnastics (quit for swimming but was 5x a week), baseball (2x a week), and basketball (1x a week). The only thing I stay for is piano but that is more because both kids take it back to back and my kids can play and listen to them practice. I use to stay with them for practices when they were younger, around 4,5,6 but not since then. Not sure what 'll do with my kids yet but I do think it is important to give them a sense of freedom and independence.

[strollerqueen]

I love it.

Recently a friend really ticked me off with a statement she made about my son.

While I was home and this friend was home, I sent my 7 year old to her house on a bike to help her dd find a toy (my ds was the last one who had played with it). She lives one block away from me. Her house backs up to the houses across the street from me.

The next time I saw her she said "Please watch him. They found that little girl in California in a suitcase." and while I don't wish for any of my children to be abducted, sexually assaulted, murdered and stuffed in a suitcase, I was pretty ticked at the implication that I am a neglectful parent for allowing my child to ride his bike to her house via the alley, where for 200 yards, he is out of my sight before he reaches her house.

I am *not* blind to the terrible things people do to children - I work as a felony prosecutor, for heaven's sake - but I am not going to keep my children roped to my side all day every day - especially as they start to grow up.

Anyway - that article touched a nerve, and I enjoyed reading it. Thanks.

OMG, I could have written your post! My son is the same age, almost the same thing happened. (We live in a very safe neighborhood. I am a journalist, so I am keenly aware of the dangers, real or hysterical.) Except, MY neighbor threatened to call CPS on me! I have virtually kept him locked in the house ever since, and I am sooo angry about it. Little boys NEED to be outside playing and running around! Playing ball, riding their scooter or bike. Now he is trapped inside playing computer or video games (and sometimes Lego Star Wars.)

[strollerqueen]

I agree. I think we do our kids a great disservice by sending them a message that they are not capable of figuring things out.

Sarah shocked me by asking to go to Girl Scout sleep away camp this year. I was all set to say no way when it struck me the message I was sending by saying that was "I don't think you are capable of doing something that YOU think you ARE capable of doing." Instead, we sat down and talked about challenges she might face at camp: unfamiliar foods (a big one for her because she is very picky), self care tasks, going to bed without familiar rituals, etc.

Well she has SHOCKED me by rising to the occasion. She's making herself try new foods. She talked to older scouts who had been to the camp about what types of foods they had and then asked to try those at home. She has learned how to do many things I have always done for her. She has deliberately changed her nighttime rituals to be self sufficient. I am so proud of what she has done on her own to meet a goal that is important to her.

I will be worried sick about her while she is gone, but she wants to go, and has proved to me she will make the effort to do what it takes. Even if she is miserable for a few days, she'll know that she can do something on her own that she sets out to do, and that's the adult I want her to be when she grows up.

Beth, that's awesome! I know how hard that must be for you to let her go. Not sure I could do that, and my DD is TEN now! :)

[pinkmomagain]

I feel like safety represents so many things bigger than just the desire for your child to be unharmed. I think parents focus on safety because it makes them feel they can control the un-controllable and because it is more concrete than so many other parenting decisions ("I am a good mother becuase I follow these car seat or transportation or food rules"). I think sometimes we use it to feel superior to other parents or to feel socially accepted. I feel like some of those motivations and judgements have crept into this board at times. All of these desires are normal, but why not just focus on our true motivations rather than the convenient mantra of safety?

Very insightful.

[edurnemk]

I am the daughter of a very over-protective mother, and my grandmother was worse. I love my mom to death, but when she comes to visit, I constantly have to ask her to relax, because she's always on my back about my DS's safety. The funny thing is that my friends with kids consider me the over protective mom of the group. I do worry about his safety, but I also remember all the stuff I missed out on because of my mom's fears and I don't want my son to grow up angry because I won't let him play outside, or play in the rain, or go to camp or not wear a sweater when it's only a little bit windy.

I'm a little obsessed with certain safety aspects, specifically car safety (my 16 month old still rides rear-facing), food safety (I feed him mostly organic food, because I want to expose him as little as possible to chemicals and hormones, also I don't want him to get hooked on sugar and processed food), and not loosing sight of him in public places (he's just a toddler). But if he eats some dirt, or falls down, catches a cold, misses a nap or even eats a not-so-healthy snack every now and then I'm not going to freak out, however my mom does. She constantly tells me the advice my grandma gave to her like those are the rules to follow, but I also remember my parents arguing a lot because of that over protectiveness. My dad didn't agree with it. She let her life revolve around us and our well-being and our needs and our schedules, and forgot about doing things for herself and for my dad.

I like being informed tp be able to make the right choices, but also I constantly find myself thinking how I don't want to become as obsessed as my mom, and that I don't want my kids to feel as sad as I did for all that I missed as a kid and a teenager.

[edurnemk]

Me too. Especially because what she did was LEGAL. It's legal to leave a child in a car, unsupervised, for up to 10 minutes in the state of Illinois. That case irritates me to no end.


I live in Chicago and I was also very upset by that case. (I mean there's a huge difference between this case and the mom who accidentally left her toddler in the car for 9 hours in 90 degree weather). A couple of times when my DS has fallen asleep in the car and I had to pick up our dry-cleaning, I've left him in the car, but I parked by the door and kept loking at the car, and kept thinking about that mom and wondering if I'd be arrested if the police saw me, even though I was only 8 feet away from the car and had my son in sight the whole time! When he was younger I would carry the infant car seat into the store and then try to juggle the car seat, dry-cleaning, purse and car keys at the same time, all the while thinking how stupid it was that I couldn't just leave him in the car for 3 minutes (specially in -20 degree weather). So thanks for clearing up that it's legal. I won't try the juggling act again, LOL.

[wellyes]

A few times I left my sleeping baby in a locked car for 2-3 minutes if I was always in sight of her. I don't think there is anything wrong with that, so long as it's not very hot or very cold. I'm amazed that someone was arrested for that.

But I know I'm also going to have to fight my urge for overprotectiveness. The other day I was at a playground and there was a 3-4 year old girl on a jungle gym, looking nervous, trying to get across one of those horizontal ladders - know what I mean? I was nervous she'd fall. Then I heard her mom said "Go, Alice, you can do it!" And what do you know - the little girl did just fine. I was to be THAT kind of Mom, not the "Oh be careful!" kind of mom. That little girl was so proud of herself.

[MelissaTC]

Just thought I would throw this out there in terms of staying for sports practices...

The league in which we participate has very strict guidelines requiring a parent or designated adult be present during all practices and games. Some people carpool and are "in charge" of 3 or 4 kids but it is required. Another sports program we participated in had the same rule.

[wellyes]

The league in which we participate has very strict guidelines requiring a parent or designated adult be present during all practices and games.

This actually disgusts me. It's liability protection at its worst.... protects the league from charges of impropriety or safety issues since it forces parents to be there. But all it teaches the kids that they must be supervised by a legion of adults at all times.

[egoldber]

I have to say that for practices and lessons, to me it just seems more like a matter of convenience to stay. Unless there happens to be a shopping center or something else right there, it was always just easier for me to just stay and read, knit or chat.

And with another kid in tow, packing the other kid into the carseat and then somewhere else, and then out of the carseat, then back in and back out only to turn around and put her back in again.....well, sorry, I'd rather just let her run around for a little while.

[wendibird22]

I get that for some parents they stay at practice as a matter of convenience because of having to give the kid a ride to/from the practice. But I also see that as a symptom of the fear factor...when I was a kid we walked or rode our bikes to/from practices. You just don't see kids doing that anymore.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Parents hang out during practice? Really? Is that common? My DD is just a baby still, so this world of parenthood is still new to me. I can't imagine just sitting there during every practice or rehearsal; I want my daughter to know that grownups have their own lives. I remember wondering at what glamorous things my mom was off doing while while I was taking majorette lessons LOL.

I stay because I love the chance to chat with the other parents. I feel like I get some grown up time in that way! Or, I get some quiet time to read a book. Also, with things only being 45 minutes long it is a PITB to go anywhere and get back without feeling really rushed, especially with the baby. So, I am lazy and social so I stay. :)

Beth

[KrisM]

I get that for some parents they stay at practice as a matter of convenience because of having to give the kid a ride to/from the practice. But I also see that as a symptom of the fear factor...when I was a kid we walked or rode our bikes to/from practices. You just don't see kids doing that anymore.


That and what about those with more than 1 kid doing things? Do I get to tell DD that she can't play somehting because DS has soccer practice that same day?

[egoldber]

I guess it just depends on your area, but most things here are not really walkable or bikeable. It's definitely an aspect of where we live that I do not like.

[specialp]

. . . when I was a kid we walked or rode our bikes to/from practices. You just don't see kids doing that anymore.

I walked to everything when I was young, but I lived in a small town 2 blocks from my school as did everyone I knew. Neither my suburb nor any of the others surrounding me are condusive to this in the least.

[g-mama]

That and what about those with more than 1 kid doing things? Do I get to tell DD that she can't play somehting because DS has soccer practice that same day?


In my case - Yes. I do have to choose activities for my kids that will not conflict with one another. I cannot be in two places at once and it would be highly unlikely that, for example, soccer practice and gymnastics would be in close proximity to each other.

[KrisM]

In my case - Yes. I do have to choose activities for my kids that will not conflict with one another. I cannot be in two places at once and it would be highly unlikely that, for example, soccer practice and gymnastics would be in close proximity to each other.

My city isn't so big, that I can't imagine getting one kid one place and another another place. So long as they aren't exactly at the same time, it ought to work. And, it would seem that I could ask a friend to pick up one if I needed to. If I'm running late to pick up at preschool, I have a friend get DS now, so it would be the same in my mind. But, if they require parents to be there, then I guess we'll have to make hard choices and likely have very upset kids. I should look into this now and not start dance and soccer, etc so that I don't have to tell them down the road that they have to quit.

[kijip]

But I also see that as a symptom of the fear factor...when I was a kid we walked or rode our bikes to/from practices. You just don't see kids doing that anymore.

If we lived close to the practice field, I would let T start walking maybe in 1-2 years or so (and we would be walking together now). But even though we do live in a generally walkable area of the city where I could see T walking to the park or corner store alone, the practice field is 40+ blocks away across two major streets. The league draws from 4 or 5 different urban zip codes so kids are coming in all directions. Safety matters aside, I want him home for dinner within 10 minutes or so of evening practices, something that can't be achieved by a little kid on a bike. I don't think it is being overprotective to stay and wait for him. Actually in our case, my dad is the Asst. Coach so he just takes him to practice most of the time but if I can, I go to help out. We all go to the games. And like another mom said, there is the community feel of getting to know the other families. That leads to getting together for dinners and other stuff. I am not staying at practice to show the other parents I am a good parent, I am staying because it is a matter of practicality and community building.

[g-mama]

But, if they require parents to be there, then I guess we'll have to make hard choices and likely have very upset kids. I should look into this now and not start dance and soccer, etc so that I don't have to tell them down the road that they have to quit.

It's not as cut and dry as that. My oldest plays soccer and from fall to spring, the practice day can change. Last season, it was Thursday evenings, this season it's Wednesday. Since my middle ds took gymnastics on Wed. evenings, I had to find a different time for him to take his class. When my middle one starts having soccer practice during the week (and not just Sat. games), I'll have to request on the registration form that they be put on teams that don't both practice on the same night. It's not that I have to tell them 'no' - I just have to juggle to make it work.

Sounds like your town is smaller and things are less spread out, so that will make things easier for you. And having a network of friends you can count on is *always* a good thing. :)

[KrisM]

It's not as cut and dry as that. My oldest plays soccer and from fall to spring, the practice day can change. Last season, it was Thursday evenings, this season it's Wednesday. Since my middle ds took gymnastics on Wed. evenings, I had to find a different time for him to take his class. When my middle one starts having soccer practice during the week (and not just Sat. games), I'll have to request on the registration form that they be put on teams that don't both practice on the same night. It's not that I have to tell them 'no' - I just have to juggle to make it work.

Sounds like your town is smaller and things are less spread out, so that will make things easier for you. And having a network of friends you can count on is *always* a good thing. :)

I mostly meant finding out if they require a parent to be there. If so, I'll limit what they're in.

We have about 10,000 people, but it's all concentrated in the southern part of the township, so everything is pretty close. And, we're not in a metro area really, so the traffic isn't bad.

Different teams might work, as I do know they have 3 different t-ball teams this year.

[Naranjadia]

Wouldn't that be an interesting spin for the parenting magazines: how to decide if something is safe for your child rather than a simple declaration that something is or isn't.

And magazine covers without the scary bold fonts proclaiming "5 Hidden Ways Your XXX is Unsafe."

[kransden]

Way to go Sarah! :cheerleader1:

I usually stay at practices when it is too far to go home. I read, talk to other parents, use the phone etc. It is quite the social hour with the Girl Scouts. :)

I find this thread sort of funny. Half the time we are b!#$ing that the parent is nowhere to be found when some kid is horrible, and in the next breath we're crabbing about the helicopter parents. ;)

[kijip]

I find this thread sort of funny. Half the time we are b!#$ing that the parent is nowhere to be found when some kid is horrible, and in the next breath we're crabbing about the helicopter parents. ;)
:ROTFLMAO:
:yeahthat:

It gets back to that other article on being a "good mom"- it's impossible because good moms don't exist. We will always find something to pick apart.

[BabyMine]

I love this article.