I can't handle my dad's attitude towards DH! A really dumb, unnecessarily long rant.

[MMMommy]

My dad who will be 73 this year is very set in his ways. His way is the RIGHT way. Everyone else's way is the WRONG way. I'm sure you get the picture. Stubborn, unbending, and rigid in his thinking and way of doing things. Old school conservative. He takes offense to anything that goes against him or his way of thinking.

My parents have always been loving, giving and generous in all ways. Simple as that. They would give the world to their daughters (me and my sister) and our kids. We don't ask them to, but they would if they could.

DH is an attorney. My dad would always ask DH legal advice. I'm an attorney too, but for some reason, he doesn't ever want MY legal advice. That's just the way it is, and I'm not offended by it b/c DH is more qualified to render advice in the areas my dad seeks help. Anyways, he asks DH for legal help on anything and everything. Can DH make a phone call? Can DH review this document? Can DH do this, that, this, that? DH found that annoying and cumbersome, but obliged. Also, he would bother DH with computer problems all the time. Whenever my dad had a computer problem, he would ask DH for help and expect him to help him in person, at his house, asap.

Some silly incident happened last year between DH and my dad. My dad was having computer problems as usual. DH had a very long, hard day at work. DH obliged and went over to help my dad. DH wasn't pleased about this b/c my dad always seems to have the stupidest computer problems. Problems that only my dad could have. DH wasn't in the best of moods, and at some point after much pestering and questioning from my dad, DH said something along the lines of "I'm already here, so just let me finish." Basically, I think DH just wanted my dad to shut up and let him fix whatever needed to be fixed b/c it was getting late. Ever since that seemingly trivial incident, my dad has held a grudge. And every so often (which is all too frequently), I have to hear the snide remarks and quips from my dad about "how he has never been so rudely treated before" and how "when you help someone out, you shouldn't make that person feel bad about it." Followed by "I couldn't even eat my dinner that night b/c I was made to feel so bad." Followed by "DH should have just said 'no' to helping me and I would have understood, rather than being rude to me." Seriously? As if DH ever had a choice to say "no, I can't help you." Like that would have gone over well.

Isn't this such a ridiculous situation? DH doesn't even realize that my dad is so bitter and resentful. My dad acts polite and normal in front of DH, but behind closed doors he is resentful and doesn't think highly of DH at all. In my dad's ideal world, it would be just his daughters and grandkids. No son-in-laws. Seriously. No joke there.

I feel caught in the middle. I don't even want DH to know b/c it would really make things worse. DH has no idea that my dad is so secretly angry and bitter. And if I told DH, DH would just get mad. Relations would be even more strained.

Like I said, my dad isn't going to change. Nothing is going to change how he feels or his attitude. He has been very pigheaded all his life and self-righteous. And DH will not apologize for something that he feels doesn't warrant an apology. I don't even think DH even owes my dad an apology. No one ever dares to step on my dad's toes, and the one time someone does, it throws my dad off. Even I feel like my dad needs to just suck it up and understand that the world doesn't revolve around him.

I get a headache just hearing my dad complain and make his annoying quips and remarks about DH.

I can't take it. I seriously cannot take it.

The plus to all this? My dad doesn't ask DH to help him with anything anymore.

[lorinick]

All I can say is family is so tuff. Maybe your dh hasn't noticed and is happy he hasn't been asking him to do things. And I'm sure everyone your dad is saying things to knows how he is. If your not going to be able to have an open conversation with your dad just let it go. I know that's not great advice but it will keep peace at this time. Some kind of peace. Your dh hasn't even noticed or maybe doesn't care since it gets him off the hook with doing so many things for him. Good luck! I know family issues are hard and drainning.

[Ceepa]

This may sound totally off base but do you have a brother or is DH the only young man related to your dad? Does your dad not have a lot of friends? It almost sounds like your dad really respected DH and liked having him to talk to and having him around (like a father-son relationship) so when the incident with the computer happened your dad was more hurt than anything else. Maybe he feels like DH enjoyed their interactions as much as he did and now he feels a bit of a fool because he "took DH in to his life and his heart" and DH didn't feel the same?

I'd let it go. DH doesn't have to apologize but it would be helpful if he could just put it behind him and drop the grudge. As far as your dad, there's no telling him what to do.

I could be grasping at straws and if so, just disregard, but I went through something like this when I was still dating.

It's hard, though, my parents sometimes give me more trouble than my kids.

[egoldber]

I completely understand OP, my father was the exact same way.

You need to let this go. You are giving him power over you and your life and your emotions. I would not have DH apologize or anything. Just go on living your lives. By acknowledging that he was in the "wrong" you and your DH simply perpetuate the power status quo with your father on "top".

If take a step back and simply refuse to play the game, then it eliminates the power struggle. Your father is going to say and do whatever he says behind your backs anyway, no matter what you or your DH do.

[JTsMom]

If take a step back and simply refuse to play the game, then it eliminates the power struggle.

I agree with this approach. I'm sorry you're caught in the middle of this nonsense. :hug:

Can you say something to your dad like, "Dad, I know you were hurt by what DH said, but I can promise you it wasn't intended as anything rude. Surely you've said something that was misinterpreted by someone before? DH loves you and respects you, and I want us to all be able to enjoy each others' company without all of this tension. Can't we just put it behind us for the family's sake?"

[dogmom]

I actually had a problem with my MIL about things she said about my DH, her son. Remarks about him never working hard, etc. Which was (a) not true, and even if it was, (b) pot calling kettle black. I endured them until my DS came on board, then it really started to bug me because I didn't want her to say something in from of her grandchild that would undermine his father. I finally blew up on her one day and basically said, "Not only do you make your son feel bad, you are insulting my husband, which I wouldn't take from a stranger, and I WILL NOT let you say bad things about my child's father." It worked, she was apologetic, etc.

So, you could take the tact of saying, "Look Dad, I understand this is still bothering you, but this puts me in an bad position of sitting there listening to you badmouth my husband and father of my children or get in an argument with my Dad, who I love. For the sake of your grandchildren, could you not complain to me about it. Complain to Mom, you friends, whoever, but not me."

[SnuggleBuggles]

Geez oh man! Guilt trip much?? But, since he doesn't do it in front of dh I guess it doesn't count as a guilt trip. That sounds very difficult. I'm sorry you have to deal with that.

Beth

[pinkmomagain]

I agree with pp about letting your Dad know that you just don't want to hear it. And if you can't say it verbally, can you let him know by walking out of the room when he starts, or changing the subject? Can you speak with your Mom about it, maybe she can intervene and get him to stop talking about it in front of you?

I will say, that given that he is so set in his ways, I'm impressed that he acts normal in front of DH. Often those types of personalities can't/won't do it.

[hellokitty]

What I would do is next time your dad brings it up again, you need to stick up for your DH and tell your dad to back the hell off of your DH, b/c your DH is being REAAAAALLY nice to help him out with all of this stuff that he is under NO obligation to help out with. I would just tell your dad that you don't want to hear him complain about your DH anymore. Both my dad and mil sound a lot like your dad and when they start to go off on an inappropriate rant about whoever they don't like, I either totally ignore them and pretend I didn't hear what they said (which really throws them for a loop, and they end up changing the topic b/c of the uncomfortable silence), or if I am in a testy mood I just flat out call them out on it. Usually, these type of ppl are not used to be challenged and they will start to get all defensive if you call them out on it. It can be kind of entertaining, but my brothers have all helped me with this calling out part, b/c when my dad starts to go off about my mom (right in front of her), my brothers and I will challenge him and it shuts him down almost immediately. He still does it, but we are pretty consistent about shutting him down about it, so his rants don't end up getting as bad as they used to...

[specialp]

I agree with pp about letting your Dad know that you just don't want to hear it. And if you can't say it verbally, can you let him know by walking out of the room when he starts, or changing the subject?

:yeahthat: I had similar situation when my Mom was angry with a relative and I just wanted to stay out of it. (She's still angry for all I know). I'd leave the room. It was harder on the phone b/c I felt a bit childish doing it, but if Mom called and started complaining about it, my end of the conversation went dead silent. She eventually stopped and has never brought it up again. I didn't feel too bad . . . afterall, I have a sister who is a lot better at listening to complaining and taking sides.

[MMMommy]

Thanks for all the insight. It does help. I think I need to just take a step back and calm down. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.

I hope DH doesn't come across this post of mine. He is the one who discovered BBB when researching for our first stroller before DD1 was born. As far as I know, he hasn't been on the BBB since. Oh what chaos would ensue if he discovered this was posted by me!

[Tondi G]

You said it yourself.... maybe you should tell your father exactly what you told us!!!!

"I don't even think DH even owes my dad an apology. No one ever dares to step on my dad's toes, and the one time someone does, it throws my dad off. Even I feel like my dad needs to just suck it up and understand that the world doesn't revolve around him."

Your dad acts this way because no one ever dared to step on his toes..... everyone has been tippy toeing around him his whole life.... no wonder he wants just his daughters and grandkids.... no one to tell him how it really is!!!!

[MMMommy]

I've gotten into so many arguments with my dad over this (DH of course doesn't even know), and it is extremely frustrating. My conversations with my dad inevitably get heated, and I end up saying horrible things to him. It's deja vous every time the issue arises.

I've decided to tell my dad enough is enough. If he has something bad to say, don't say it to me anymore. I don't want to hear it, and I don't need to hear it. I love my dad and always will, but he needs to respect certain boundaries. A person can only take so much.

[TwinFoxes]

I've gotten into so many arguments with my dad over this (DH of course doesn't even know), and it is extremely frustrating. My conversations with my dad inevitably get heated, and I end up saying horrible things to him. It's deja vous every time the issue arises.

I've decided to tell my dad enough is enough. If he has something bad to say, don't say it to me anymore. I don't want to hear it, and I don't need to hear it. I love my dad and always will, but he needs to respect certain boundaries. A person can only take so much.

I think your last paragraph is perfect. That's what you need to say to your dad.

I've been in a very similar situation, and it is hard. From my experience, you do have to be prepared to back up your words with actions. If he brings it up again say "I've told you how I feel about this subject, I'll talk to you later when you want to talk about something else" and walk away or hang up. Don't get into an argument, just state your piece and leave. If you hang around he doesn't have to pay a "cost" for his actions. Good luck!! :hug:

[vludmilla]

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So, you could take the tact of saying, "Look Dad, I understand this is still bothering you, but this puts me in an bad position of sitting there listening to you badmouth my husband and father of my children or get in an argument with my Dad, who I love. For the sake of your grandchildren, could you not complain to me about it. Complain to Mom, you friends, whoever, but not me."

I think this is good advice. I think you have the right to tell your Dad that you don't want to hear his complaining about your DH anymore.