Left out -- advice?

[sesaaw]

Today, my dd was walking with her dad on our street and saw balloons outside her friend's house three doors away. My dd, who is four, noticed them and they learned from the friend's father that her friend was having a 4 year old birthday party to which she wasn't invited. Tonight my dd sadly told me at bedtime that she was hurt. We have always invited the little girl to my dd's party. Any advice on how to handle?
I did my best to explain that it was possible that her parents wanted to have a small group or just her friend's from her class. And, to buck her up. There have been no incidents or disputes between the girls or between us and our neighbors. My husband said the dad seemed sheepish about it. To add to this, we are recovering from a house fire three weeks ago, and, while we are reconstructing the burnt rooms and no one thankfully was hurt, it certainly had already upset my dd. I delayed her birthday party planning and had assumed the neighborhood girl on our list for my dd's bday. It never occured to me I would have to explain why people leave others out to a 4 yr old. I hate to see my dd so sad!

[bubbaray]

Awwww, that sucks. Sorry she was left out and got hurt!

I hope she has a FAB birthday (me, I wouldn't invite the other girl, but I suppose others would).

ETA -- so sorry about your fire, that must be horrible!

[MontrealMum]

So sorry to hear about that, and also about your house fire. I don't know what I'd do either, but I guess I might reconsider inviting the other girl too. When I was little my parents either restricted my parties to one or two "best" friends (these were sleepovers) or they invited the whole neighborhood - boys, girls, older and younger...nothing fancy, just cake and ice cream, but noone got left out.

Welcome to the boards by the way :)

[sesaaw]

Thanks for the welcome. I used to post several years ago when my dd and ds were small. I'm glad to return. I appreciate everyone's advice.

[blisstwins]

I think there are important lessons to learn here. Although I always errr on the side of overinviting because I would hate to hurt a child, there are probably valid reasons why your daughter might not have been invited. You named them--maybe it was for classmates only, maybe money was an issue, who knows....Since nothing had happened between the families or children you can choose to be hurt or not. Honestly I would feel as you do, but I would try to teach my child not to take it personally. So sorry about your fire. I am glad everyone is OK.

[TwinFoxes]

That sucks so bad! I feel bad for not only your daughter, but for you as well! What a tough thing to see your daughter go through. I don't have any real advice.



I hope she has a FAB birthday (me, I wouldn't invite the other girl, but I suppose others would).


If this happened to my girls I'd be tempted to have ponies for the pony ride walk right past their house, set up a huge bouncy castle in the front yard, and have the biggest cake EVER...and not invite the little girl!! (In reality, I know I'd probably feel guilty and invite her though.)

[egoldber]

I don't think you can take this personally. Some people only have very small parties with no (or few) guests. Some people's families are already so big that any guests are just too many. Some people don't like big parties. Some people only invite school friends. Some people only invite neighborhood friends.

I just think you can't take it as a personal slight when you don't know their reasons. I would let it go.

[mommy111]

This is precisely why I hate the 'same number of kids as your age' rule for birthdays. We always err on the side of over-inviting (including her teachers' kids if the right age, some of my coworkers' kids), and while it has sometimes meant additional hassle for us, it is balanced by the fact that no child is unhappy, all the kids have fun, and in the balance, our DD has made some good friends with coworker's kids that she would not have met elsewhere.
Anyhow, hugs to your DD, I would just emphasize to her that some kids have small birthdays and only a very few people attend, I think her emotions re this will somewhat reflect how disappointed you feel, so I would try to hide your disappointment from her.

[TwinFoxes]

This is precisely why I hate the 'same number of kids as your age' rule for birthdays.

I've never heard of that rule is it common?

To pp, I think it's easy to say the OP should let it go, but it's harder for a 4 year old to not take it personally. I agree, there could be really valid reasons to not have invited the LO, but it's hard to explain that to a kid. It would have helped if the neighbor had said "we're having family over for daughter's birthday" not "we're having a party."

[egoldber]

To pp, I think it's easy to say the OP should let it go, but it's harder for a 4 year old to not take it personally.

I have BTDT. Your child simply will NOT be invited to every birthday ever in their circle of friends and acquaintances. Treating this like it's a big deal is not doing them any favors in the long run. I'm not saying don't acknowledge any feelings of sadness they have, but just explain that all families are different and not everyone has big parties or even if they do can invite EVERYONE they know.

My older DD is VERY sensitive and also very aware of parties and has a memory like a steel trap. She knows when all the kids in her class have birthdays/parties and she is not invited. Teaching them early about this is a good thing. I didn't say it would be fun or there would be no tears.

[heatherlynn]

I have BTDT. Your child simply will NOT be invited to every birthday ever in their circle of friends and acquaintances. Treating this like it's a big deal is not doing them any favors in the long run. I'm not saying don't acknowledge any feelings of sadness they have, but just explain that all families are different and not everyone has big parties or even if they do can invite EVERYONE they know.

I basically tell my kids that sometimes you get invited and sometimes you don't. I know that sounds harsh (I say it in a gentle way), but my kids seem to get it.

[JBaxter]

When my older 2 were small JUST inviting 1st cousins filled our house. Then + 1 best friend is all we usually did. Its sad but its one of those things we have to deal with in life. Sorry your DD was sad.

[daisyd]

Your child simply will NOT be invited to every birthday ever in their circle of friends and acquaintances. Treating this like it's a big deal is not doing them any favors in the long run. I'm not saying don't acknowledge any feelings of sadness they have, but just explain that all families are different and not everyone has big parties or even if they do can invite EVERYONE they know.


Seconding Beth on this. I've been there as a child and Mom would understandably be hurt by my hurt. But, it would be a great gift you'd give DD if you could teach her not to take things personally.

[DrSally]

I'm sorry. I can totally understand how she'd be hurt, esp. with everything going on. So sorry about the fire! I like the idea of teaching her not to take things personally (although I know it's hard!) and maybe offering alternate explainations.

[TwinFoxes]

I have BTDT. Your child simply will NOT be invited to every birthday ever in their circle of friends and acquaintances. Treating this like it's a big deal is not doing them any favors in the long run. I'm not saying don't acknowledge any feelings of sadness they have, but just explain that all families are different and not everyone has big parties or even if they do can invite EVERYONE they know.

I think you misunderstood, I am not advocating making a big deal out of it. I don't disagree with anything you've said. I just think that it's easier for the poster to get over it, but it's hard for a kid to understand not being invited. Even if you explain reasons, that doesn't mean DD won't be sad.

[JustMe]

I agree this is very difficult for a child to understand. Yet, I also agree there are many reasons the family/child may have not invited any specific child and it is best for your family to not hold this against them. Honestly, I am not sure of what I would say to your dd, but I do think I would still invite their child to your dd's party (unless your dd expressed that she did not want to).

[egoldber]

She probably will be sad. But it's easier to be sad and learn these lessons at 4 than at 8. But I do think that parental attitude to these things has a way of showing through to kids, so it can make a big difference. I know my DD has an uncanny radar about my emotions. So making yourself feel good about something can help your child deal with it better IME.

[TwinFoxes]

She probably will be sad. But it's easier to be sad and learn these lessons at 4 than at 8. But I do think that parental attitude to these things has a way of showing through to kids, so it can make a big difference. I know my DD has an uncanny radar about my emotions. So making yourself feel good about something can help your child deal with it better IME.

Yep, I agree.

[KrisM]

This is precisely why I hate the 'same number of kids as your age' rule for birthdays. We always err on the side of over-inviting (including her teachers' kids if the right age, some of my coworkers' kids), and while it has sometimes meant additional hassle for us, it is balanced by the fact that no child is unhappy, all the kids have fun, and in the balance, our DD has made some good friends with coworker's kids that she would not have met elsewhere.
Anyhow, hugs to your DD, I would just emphasize to her that some kids have small birthdays and only a very few people attend, I think her emotions re this will somewhat reflect how disappointed you feel, so I would try to hide your disappointment from her.

We mostly do the 'same number of kids as your age' to limit the number. I can't possibly fit all 20 kids from preschool in my house. My house is just not that large. It's great that some can, and we've been to 2 parties like that this year. I, however, can not. I also do not have $400 to spend on going to a place like Pump It Up, where we have attended 2 more parties this year.

DS invited 5 kids and they all had fun. He was invited to parties of children not invited here, but we made sure to keep the party quiet. He did not invite our neighbor, although he did in the past. It was fine. He also did not get invited to all the parties of the kids who came to his. It again, was fine. We just explained that like him, the birthday child was only able to invite so many kids and he wasn't on the list this time. He was fine with that, although disappointed.

I agree with Beth about not making it a big deal this time, as it's going to happen down the road.

I would also invite the child, if my child wanted her to be invited. I'd leave it up to my kid.

[MNmomtobe]

It is possible like pp have mentioned, maybe it was just family (or kids at her preschool?).
DH and I are discussing having a bday party for our DD next month.
The thoughts we are having are:

Do we have it at our house or someplace like Chuck E. Cheese?

Do we invite kids from her daycare (we only know a few of the parents there and not well). If we did invite kids from daycare, we would invite ALL the kids. This is a lot of kids! This would also be quite expensive.

OR we could invite just the neighborhood kids that DD plays with

OR we could invite our friends who have kids (the age range would be pretty broad here)

OR we could do the above and invite some friends who don't have kids

We don't have any family nearby and they don't have young kids anyway. I can see where having a "family only" celebration can turn into a big (and costly) party.

So, there are many factors that can go into being invited or not. I would explain that to your DD.

As long as your DD and this girl are friends and you and DH get along fine with the parents, I would not mention it to the neighbors and go about business as usual. Any awkwardness between the parents may interfere with the friendship your DD has with this girl.

I'm so sorry your DD is feeling hurt. I am glad she has a sympathetic mommy to be there for her.

[bubbaray]

I didn't say *I* would take it personally or encourage my DD to take it personally, nor would I make a big deal out of it. BUT, I would definitely NOT invite the neighbor girl to future parties. Just not gonna happen.

JMHO.

[kcandz]

BUT, I would definitely NOT invite the neighbor girl to future parties. Just not gonna happen.

Question: what if your DC still wanted to invite her? You would discourage that?

If this were my situation I would not want to teach my DC lessons about an eye for an eye. If DC wanted to invite the girl, we would. If DC did not, I would not try to talk DC into it as DC can choose who attends the party. Or, I might try to talk DC into it if every other kid in that social circle - for example, the neighborhood kids - were invited and that one child was not and it seemed to be out of pettiness and not that DC truly did not like that child, like if DC always avoided playdates with that child.

[o_mom]

You don't say in your post if you know that the party going on was for friends. My oldest is 5.5 and we have yet to have a 'friends' party for any of the kids. It has been family only. We have multiple cousins the same age as our kids, so it probably looks like a big party even though it is just family.

I'm holding off on the friends parties as long as possible, but even when we do, it will just not be possible to invite everyone. Also, given my DS1's temperament, a big party with 20+ kids would probably overwhelm him and not be fun in any way for him.

I guess I would say, don't take it personal, use it as a teaching moment and invite the girl anyway unless you have some reason to believe it to be a purposeful attempt to hurt your DD.

[bubbaray]

Question: what if your DC still wanted to invite her? You would discourage that?




Yes, that is correct, I would not let my child invite that child who didn't invite my child to her party.... I'm still paying for the party and if someone d/n invite me/my child to their party, I don't invite them to mine.

Life is too short. I find parties extremely stressful and I'm not going to waste my time/energy/money on people who can't be bothered to reciprocate.

[ett]

Yes, that is correct, I would not let my child invite that child who didn't invite my child to her party.... I'm still paying for the party and if someone d/n invite me/my child to their party, I don't invite them to mine.

Life is too short. I find parties extremely stressful and I'm not going to waste my time/energy/money on people who can't be bothered to reciprocate.

But what if it was a party where they only invited family? So it wasn't like they were exclusively exculding your child. We have only had family birthday parties for both DS's. This would mean that my DS's would never be invited to anyone's birthday party because we haven't invited them to ours. Not because we're excluding any one child particularly but because we only have very small family parties.

To the OP - I know how hard it is to see your child sad, but it's good for them to learn about these things at an early age. They will be dealing with many disappoints like these and it's good to take it personally and just move on. If your daughter would still like to invite the other child to her birthday party, then I would do so.

[jacksmomtobe]

I think you handled it in the right manner offering some possible explanations that do not make it a personal issue but possibly a logistical issue ie only kids from school. I think it was important to acknowledge your daughter's feelings but not to dwell on it. I think your explanation is sufficient at her age. I would let your daughter decide whether she wants to invite the other child or not. Just ask her who she would like to invite. Hopefully she will have felt sad today but feel better about it tomorrow. It's hard as a parent to see your child not being treated as you would like.

So sorry to hear about your fire. I'm sure that was a lot of stress for everyone in your family.

[Melbel]

I have BTDT. Your child simply will NOT be invited to every birthday ever in their circle of friends and acquaintances. Treating this like it's a big deal is not doing them any favors in the long run. I'm not saying don't acknowledge any feelings of sadness they have, but just explain that all families are different and not everyone has big parties or even if they do can invite EVERYONE they know.

My older DD is VERY sensitive and also very aware of parties and has a memory like a steel trap. She knows when all the kids in her class have birthdays/parties and she is not invited. Teaching them early about this is a good thing. I didn't say it would be fun or there would be no tears.

I totally agree with Beth's advice. Particularly as the children get older, it is very difficult to reciprocate to all children every year. We tend to be overly inclusive, but still cannot reciprocate 100%. DD1's birthday is at the beginning of the school year, which means a tough decision between inviting friends from the prior year that she knows better, or the new class. Boys from her class have invited her to parties but we may be only including girls for a particular party. We try to include similarly situated children (soccer team, girls in class, etc.).

Absent some evidence of ill intent toward your DD, I absolutely would not hold a grudge. There is no reason to lose friends and playmates when there are so many potential innocent explanations, one of which could be mere oversight. You also mentioned that you delayed planning your DD's party. If your DD's birthday has already passed, is it possible that they thought they were excluded from your DD's party? I would include the neighbor's child if your DD wants to and if space permits.

[sesaaw]

Thank all of you for your thoughts on this!!! It is really helpful. I took a low-key approach and waited to see if my dd brought it up again. She did late yesterday when she passed their house and I was reassuring once again reiterating all of the alternative explanations as I did on Saturday night.

My dd replied that she did not want to invite the girl to her party. I told her we would wait a few days and then talk about it again and see how she was feeling.

We are lucky to have three 4 year old girls growing up together within three blocks of each other. My dh learned that the other 4 yr old's parents saw the balloons and were able to avoid them. So their dd did not know she wasn't invited. It's a small comfort to learn that my dd wasn't the only one excluded -- and to learn that our neighbors likely did not think we excluded their dd from my dd's party. It was likely just keeping their party small or only including classmates.

While I find the neighbor's choice to exclude the neighborhood girls odd (especially for us as her dd has been to every party of ours since birth), I agree with the pp that it does not make sense to hold a grudge. It's a teachable moment for not only my dd but for me.

And, I'm going to leave the question of the invitation for the girl to my dd. My dd's party is not at our house since our playroom, which had water damage from the fire hose, may not be finished on time. So, even if we don't invite her, it won't be as obvious or as hurtful.