angst over group mother's day gift - argh!

[justincase]

So about two months ago I finished putting together a photobook of DS’s artwork that I had photographed, captioned with his own comments and titles, etc. I ordered three copies: one for us to keep, one for IL’s and one for my parents as Mother’s/Father’s Day gifts. Even with the deal I waited for to order, I spent a bit, as it has a lot of pages and I splurged on the leather covers. Thought I put IL’s in the mail in time for MD but I guess it didn’t get there quite in time…

Anyway, on Thursday of last week (as in, 3 days before MD), BIL calls DH to say that SIL1’s DH had just spontaneously picked up a FD gift for FIL, and SIL1 and SIL2 had also bought something for MD for MIL, and that they now wanted everyone to go in on the gifts together. BIL seemed irritated that they had done this without asking anyone’s opinion or budget first. As were we. And why is BIL the one having to call DH to discuss this – rather than SIL’s who were the coordinators?

The share price for the two gifts is a lot of money to us. Much more than I would have spent on my own even if I hadn’t done the photobook already. But despite the $$ and the lack of advance notice, I probably would have sighed and agreed if we hadn’t already done our own thing. No, I didn’t let all the IL’s know two months ago that we were all set for FD and MD – but I didn’t think I had to. In almost a decade of marriage to DH plus years of dating, this group gift thing has never come up before; we’ve always all done our own things. You live you learn, I'll know better next year.

After the phone call from BIL, DH called SIL1, who matter-of-factly told him the share price and didn’t seem to want to hear that we had already done our own thing. He told her he had to think about it and would call her back. Which he hasn’t yet. I just feel like there is no good way out of this. We’ll either pay it (which doesn’t seem fair) or not pay it (and be judged for it). Sigh.

[KBecks]

I think you should not be bullied into paying for a gift you were never informed of. I would not pay and tell them matter of factly that you won't participate unless you have agreed in advance.

They know they were in the wrong to not communicate to you. SIL took a poor risk, she can deal with the consequences.

[ha98ed14]

I think you should not be bullied into paying for a gift you were never informed of. I would not pay and tell them matter of factly that you won't participate unless you have agreed in advance.

They know they were in the wrong to not communicate to you. SIL took a poor risk, she can deal with the consequences.

ITA!! I understand why you may feel like you have to pay the money to keep the peace, but know that they are way out of line and honestly, if you give in to them, all you are doing is gsending them the message that they are in control of you and your gift giving funds and it is ok not to consult you in advance because you will comply when pressured. The fact that 1) you have already put your gift in the mail and 2) this is not happening in front of MIL and FIL gives you a firm position to stand your ground. Good Luck!

[Octobermommy]

I wouldn't pay for it but that is me. I would just tell them you already got your mil something and next time they want to do a group gift they need to ask first before assuming you will contribute. If they can't afford it without your contributions they shouldn't have purchased it.

[LBW]

I wouldn't pay for the group gift, and I wouldn't feel guilty about it. I would simply explain that you planned ahead and arranged for your own gifts.

Is this your DH's sister(s)? Can't he just explain that you've already purchased expensive gifts?

Let them know that you'd be happy to consider participating in future group gifts, but you need more advance warning!

[JTsMom]

I wouldn't pay for the group gift, and I wouldn't feel guilty about it. I would simply explain that you planned ahead and arranged for your own gifts.

Is this your DH's sister(s)? Can't he just explain that you've already purchased expensive gifts?

Let them know that you'd be happy to consider participating in future group gifts, but you need more advance warning!:yeahthat:

[sste]

Don't contribute. That is ridiculous and presumptous. I agree with pps. Just tell them you already bought an expensive gift so you are going to have to pass on the group gift this time. Next time, you are happy to participate--just ASK you in advance. Especially because you are watching your budget carefully these days so you can't afford to buy multiple gifts.

Or, is it an option to "hold" the gift as a group birthday or xmas gift - - or it it mother's day specific? You could throw them a bone and say if they want to hold off until xmas/bday you will contribute but you already bought a mother's day gift.

[pinkmomagain]

Don't contribute. That is ridiculous and presumptous. I agree with pps. Just tell them you already bought an expensive gift so you are going to have to pass on the group gift this time. Next time, you are happy to participate--just ASK you in advance. Especially because you are watching your budget carefully these days so you can't afford to buy multiple gifts.


I really like this advice!

[justincase]

You all made me feel so much better. Why is it that I so easily want to cave on things like this, in a way that is totally unlike me? Wait, I know the answer to that one... :banghead:


Or, is it an option to "hold" the gift as a group birthday or xmas gift - - or it it mother's day specific? You could throw them a bone and say if they want to hold off until xmas/bday you will contribute but you already bought a mother's day gift.
Wow, interesting advice. DH might really like this...

[babystuffbuff]

The share price for the two gifts is a lot of money to us. Much more than I would have spent on my own even if I hadn’t done the photobook already.

I just feel like there is no good way out of this. We’ll either pay it (which doesn’t seem fair) or not pay it (and be judged for it). Sigh.

SAY NO. Just say no. DH's brothers and sisters do this to us all the time. Last Wednesday his brother sent around an email saying they wanted to get the ILs a new computer(!!) as a combined mother's day/father's day gift. Besides the fact that we'd already bought MIL a gift (that cost far less than a computer would have, though it was still something that she loved!), FIL doesn't use a computer at all, so how it's a father's day gift is beyond me.

Anyway, didn't mean to hijack. But you can say no. And you should, if the gift isn't something you want to/can contribute towards. I am pretty passionate about this subject since it is a constant thing with DH's family - they can judge me if they want to, but I'm not going to blow my budget on their ideas, especially since it is always a last-minute thing also. It's your money. They don't get to spend it for you. The end. :)

[urquie]

The share price for the two gifts is a lot of money to us. Much more than I would have spent on my own even if I hadn’t done the photobook already.

Originally Posted by sste http://www.windsorpeak.com/vbulletin/images/buttons2/viewpost.gif (http://www.windsorpeak.com/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=2370484#post2370484)
Or, is it an option to "hold" the gift as a group birthday or xmas gift - - or it it mother's day specific? You could throw them a bone and say if they want to hold off until xmas/bday you will contribute but you already bought a mother's day gift.


Wow, interesting advice. DH might really like this...

very interesting idea! if you go this route, perhaps you could tell them how much you would be willing to contribute, rather than let them decide how much of your money to spend. good luck with a frustrating situation and don't be afraid to stand up for yourself - they are totally in the wrong!