DH, total ingrate, ideas for retribution requested!

[sste]

My DH just spent one month in another state pursuing super-specialized medical training - - a wonderful opportunity for him made possible by yours truly. Who was left alone for a month with a full-time job, an 18 month old child who is experiencing development delays, doesn't walk, and has three weekly therapists, and a dog with bladder cancer who has had some continence "challenges" recently. In a third floor WALK UP condo.

DH returned home on Wednesday, now four days later and no card, no flowers, no special thank you dinner, no gift, no day of time for me without DS offered. NADA. He did tell me he appreciated everything and, after my outburst today on this issue, he swore he was planning a special date as a thank you in a few weeks (he is very honest so this is true). Other than that he has spent his time messing up the entire house, which was spotless for a month

Would most husbands offer a PROMPT gesture of appreciation and thanks? I am sick of bitching and moaning. I want suggestions for a system of behavior modification! Or retribution!

[bubbaray]

Well, *my* DH (who is also an ingrate, but I digress) wouldn't think to come home with flowers or a card or a date. He might possibly bring home a gift for me (definitely for the girls). In fact, I bet my DH would expect *me* to plan some fan-freakin'-tabulous welcome home event for HIM in those circumstances (which I definitely wouldn't do, but again, I digress).

I think he's too old for behavior modification. Retail therapy, with his money, works for me.

GL!

[SnuggleBuggles]

I think my dh is pretty darned awesome but I don't think it would have occurred to him to do anything special when he came home. If I asked he would be more than willing but it most likely wouldn't be something he'd come up with...unless I had heavily planted those seeds when he was away!

Beth

[sste]

The problem is that the retail therapy would be with MY money!! Despite a decade plus of his medical training, I outearn the ingrate.

Still, retail therapy with anyone's money sounds tempting right now.

[bubbaray]

I earn more than my DH too. But, retail therapy with HIS money is still satisfying. LOL.

[sste]

I should add that part of what got to me is that I slept in this weekend in a treat for myself - - so DH spent the first 2.5 hours of the day with DS. When I got up, DH carried on about how EXHAUSTING it was, how it must be nice to sleep until 930am as I did, and handed DS to me before I could even take a pee. And he has been emoting how very worn out he is this weekend and how hard not to have time to himself since I gave him the lion's share of the childcare for the past two days. THE POOR THING. A WHOLE WEEKEND.

I cannot describe how bad this month alone was - - it is one thing if you have a house with a yard, a continent dog, a 30-lb child who walks, and family support from nearby relatives. I had none of those. I am telling you if they were filming a single mother version of Survivor, I would have been a contender for screen time!!

[infomama]

I think my dh is pretty darned awesome but I don't think it would have occurred to him to do anything special when he came home. If I asked he would be more than willing but it most likely wouldn't be something he'd come up with
:yeahthat:. When my DH comes home from a trip (not for more than a week in our case) he just melts into the couch and eats up the girls. I'm sorry you're going through so much right now.

[niccig]

DH has bought a gift home on some of his past weekends away. Not all the time, but some times.

But I hear you on the complaining about how exhausting caring for DC is...DH went away for 5 days to see the Final Four and he wants to go away for 4 days to the college guys annual golfing trip. That's all fine, but when I mentioned that the playgroup mums are trying to organize a weekend in June for a girl's weekend, he got all stroppy. MIL is coming for a week in June and he wants to know if the girls weekend can be then, so she can help him. DS if 4.5 yo - he can dress himself, fully potty trained, he can even get food out of the fridge , and DH says he can't do it on his own. PATHETIC is my response. I am going on the girls' weekend and it will not be when MIL is in town...

Can you get away for a night? DH went away when DS was 6 months old, the following weekend I went to the local Hilton for one night. I had room service dinner, soak in tub, watched a movie, slept in, had breakfast in bed, then went shopping and got home after lunch. It was WONDERFUL. If he won't treat you, you need to treat yourself.

[gatorsmom]

I'm sorry you are going through this. It sucks.

My DH travels a lot too and it is HARD handling it all alone. At first I"d whine and complain about his being gone but it never got me anywhere. So, I started to think about what exactly I was upset about. And I realized that what I really needed and wanted was a half day or less at a day spa. With HIM watching the children. Even if he doesn't appreciate my efforts, some alone time can really put me back together again. I usually get a facial and a pedicure or a quick massage and a pedicure but spend PLENTY of time in the relaxation room or whirlpool bath.

So, now what I do when he returns from being away (and I highly recommend this to you) is I inform him a few hours before my appointment starts (it's important to know in advance that his calendar is free or this won't work), I let them know that I really need some time alone away from the children and the house for my mental health and could he watch the children for an ambiguous "few" hours? Great, thanks. It never hurts to let them walk in your shoes for a while, kwim? :D

[LBW]

My DH traveled for work 2/3 of the time until about Feb. I work from home. (During naps, late at night, early in the a.m. and on weekends. Ugh. Now I have a sitter, so it's better.)

I NEVER got any sort of thank you - verbal or otherwise. In fact, whenever I broke down and complained about how exhausted I was and how I never signed up to be a single mom (with the equivalent of a teenage boy when he is home) he would complain about how he never has any fun and I am a nag. (I also do everything related to house/family - all the finances, all the yardwork, all the indoor cleaning, all the laundry, all decisions about kids/school/etc.)

Is it any wonder we've barely spoken to each other in 6 months?

My advice would be to try to calmly explain to him why it upset you that you didn't get a BIG response as soon as he got home. He was probably thinking that he needed a few days to decompress from his "stressful" month away. You really don't want to end up like me!

[LarsMal]

Oh man...I'm not going to hijack your post, but I completely sympathize!! I don't work, but I've been living the life of a "single mom with benefits" for the past several months. DH is gone Sun night through Friday night. He comes home Friday night excited to see the kids, keeps them up too late, then huffs and puffs the rest of the weekend complaining about them. It's really enjoyable! Then he has the nerve to complain to me about how tired HE is. Okay...said I wasn't hijacking!!

DH hasn't done anything for me on his own (well, he did tell me to have a girl's day one day b/c he thought if I didn't I would end up divorcing him ;) ). Any and all alone time or special "treats" (pedicure, breakfast out with a friend) has been me saying, "This is what I'm doing or I will lose my flippin' mind!"

Maybe you just need to do that, too. Just plan something on your own and tell your DH- I'm leaving, you're in charge, see you later!

GL!!

[sste]

Thank you everyone. I am booking my half day at the day spa -- that is an excellent suggestion. It is recharge or combust at this point. I think perhaps I am so mad about this past month because DH has been nurtured through a decade of medical training while I have: made at least 75% of the money, taken care of the house at least until we hired household help a few years ago, dealt with the majority of our paperwork and household business, done all the household repairs, painting of walls with 11 foot ceilings, supervised a remodel . . . I even set up the damn crib by myself when I was 8 months pregnant. He is now finishing this training - - going out with a bang with the month long absence - - and I am not getting the vibe AT ALL (despite my explicit comments to this effect) that he is planning on spending the NEXT decade nurturing my career or even dividing all of the work fairly.

Also, to those of you who do this travel thing regularly, with four kids, doing your own work during the DC's naps, I am in awe of you guys!! I thought the situation was hellish because I work full-time so I need that second parent - - but in many ways its more grueling if you stay at home and are with the DCs 24-7.

[cvanbrunt]

I think perhaps I am so mad about this past month because DH has been nurtured through a decade of medical training while I have: made at least 75% of the money, taken care of the house at least until we hired household help a few years ago, dealt with the majority of our paperwork and household business, done all the household repairs, painting of walls with 11 foot ceilings, supervised a remodel . . . I even set up the damn crib by myself when I was 8 months pregnant. He is now finishing this training - - going out with a bang with the month long absence - - and I am not getting the vibe AT ALL (despite my explicit comments to this effect) that he is planning on spending the NEXT decade nurturing my career or even dividing all of the work fairly.


My sister had this issue with husband. She had twins the week he started med school. For about a decade it was all him. He was nurtured through school, residency, a stint in the Navy (including an overseas assignment), a couple of rounds of specialized training, etc. According to my sister, he got used to the world revolving around him. He needed to be re-trained and reminded that he isn't as special as he thinks he is. She had to keep reminding him of that. He may be treated like he's something impressive at work, but at home, he's just dad. He's a great guy, husband, dad, etc.; he just needed a little reminder that neither he or his job was more important than anyone else's.
The re-training program is simple. Squash the ego and whining every time they make an appearance.

[hbridge]

Yep, ask for what you want and make sure he knows at least some of what you do when he's gone. DH works 24/7/365 and has NO idea what happens at home. He actually doesn't even know what happens with the house, bills, paperwork, ect. It gets done and he doesn't have to even see it.

That being said, at the moment he's bummed because he took this Friday off without asking what our plans are and can't believe that DC have school and after school activities. Also, I work outside the home every Saturday and need two weeks notice to take a day off, DH loves to come in on a Thursday and inform me he needs to work that Saturday. He actually forgets that I'm already working...

DH is a great guy and works hard, but has no idea what happens on my end that allows him to do so. We have had many discussions about how important both of our jobs are and how much we actually need to respect what the other one does for the family.

I've started asking for what I need. If it's possible, it happens; but he can't read my needs. He wants to give me what I want and need, but I need to tell him what that is!

Hugs and good luck!

[misshollygolightly]

To the OP: I have found that I really have to flat-out ask/tell DH ahead of time about the things I want and/or need. He's usually totally willing to do them, but he just doesn't think about it on his own. Which sucks, because to me, him performing random acts of kindness (bringing me flowers, planning something special, giving me a morning "off", etc) communicates gratitude and love. Without those things, I don't feel appreciated and loved. The problem is that that's not how HE naturally communicates gratitude and love. (Apparently, his way of expressing gratitude is more like leaving a pile of dirty socks in the bedroom corner or something...ugh.) Anyway, the point is that once I told him (and reminded him a few times) to DO the other things, he was willing to. And, over time, he's gotten somewhat better at occasionally doing these things spontaneously (that is, without me actually calling him at work and telling him I'm having a crappy day and DS is driving me nuts and I need him to please bring me some flowers or chocolates or something when he comes home). So all this just to say not to give up on DH entirely--at least not until you've coached him through a couple of these occasions and told him what you want/need from him as a "thank you" for holding the fort down while he was gone, etc. Good luck and enjoy your spa trip!

[kransden]

Nope, my DH wouldn't do anything or even think of it. I would have to tell him. "Honey, I'm booking myself into a spa for the weekend. There are frozen dinners for you and dc to eat. Love Ya -Bye!" That's what happens at my house. Seriously

[DrSally]

I think it's possible he has no idea the level of what you've been through (he's never been through it), so he didn't think to really rise to the occassion and express his gratitude. IKWYM about when DH comes home and makes a mess. We were living out of state with a newborn and DH was working full time and doing a weekend MBA out of town. I went for weeks wo/him at home and no family support. I know, it's not easy. I can't imagine an incontinent dog on top of it. The next time he complains of doing all the child care for a few days, remind him that you did it for 30 days PLUS everything else, maybe he'll understand. I would treat yourself to a reward.

[C99]

Would most husbands offer a PROMPT gesture of appreciation and thanks?

Alas, I think the answer to this is NO. Some would. MOST, however, would not.

[KBecks]

I should add that part of what got to me is that I slept in this weekend in a treat for myself - - so DH spent the first 2.5 hours of the day with DS. When I got up, DH carried on about how EXHAUSTING it was, how it must be nice to sleep until 930am as I did, and handed DS to me before I could even take a pee. And he has been emoting how very worn out he is this weekend and how hard not to have time to himself since I gave him the lion's share of the childcare for the past two days. THE POOR THING. A WHOLE WEEKEND.

I cannot describe how bad this month alone was - - it is one thing if you have a house with a yard, a continent dog, a 30-lb child who walks, and family support from nearby relatives. I had none of those. I am telling you if they were filming a single mother version of Survivor, I would have been a contender for screen time!!

Go out of town, baby. Plan a nice overnight trip for yourself.