I am not sure how to title this

[Edensmum]

I don't know if this is a bitch or a need for support, I just don't know what to think.
I am pregnant. I feel like I don't want to be. I don't know why I feel this way. We tried for this, it was planned. I lost a baby in the second trimester 6 months ago, and a good friend the beginning of April. I am not attaching to this baby and I am hoping it's not instinct and just fear of getting attached because I am a bit raw from all the loss I have had lately. Last time I felt like I could not attach, and there was something wrong. I don't know if I am feeling that way again or if I am just too afraid to let it happen. I had a fight with dh last night. I was out of line, he was annoying and I just don't want to see or be near him or anyone else. I don't want to talk to him, I would like to leave or at least have him go away for awhile so I don't have to go anywhere. He is done teaching for the summer so he has been home everyday. I can't stand everything being a committee decision. I want to enjoy being pregnant and look forward to the baby. I just feel upset and scared and I want to run away from all of it.

[mommylamb]

First, I just want to say that I am so sorry for your losses, both your friend and your last pregancy. And, I think it's very normal to be afraid of getting attached to this pregnancy when you've gone through a mc in the recent past. I know this may not be helpful, but it might make sense for you to talk to someone who isn't involved personally (counselor) because it sounds like you have an awful lot going on. I hope that this works out for you.

[sste]

This sounds like "partum" depression, anxiety and I completely agree about seeing a counselor and also talking to your doctor about it. And, if you can, maybe stop putting any expectations on your self other than I will get through the next hour in as satisfying a way as possible. I think you have way too much pressure on you to evaluate your "attachment" to the pregnancy.

[citymama]

Edensmum, I don't have good advice - but sending a big hug your way. I can imagine that it is hard to attach after suffering such a big loss with your last pregnancy. But this is a different pregnancy, a new baby and I sincerely hope all will go really really well this time. Stay healthy, eat well, talk to your DH about what's going through your head (or write it down if that's easier - sometimes you need to just unload without it being commented on). And if you're feeling in a really bad headspace, try and see a family therapist who specializes in working with pregnant women. Take care of yourself and that belly!

[Edensmum]

I guess I do feel pressure to attach. My instincts are very good and we always relied on that, I knew the genders of all my pregnancies and didn't worry with dd at all because I knew she was alright and I would know if things weren't. With this last one, I knew and had so many clues that things weren't okay. Now I feel like everyone is watching me for doubt and that my having doubt means there is likely something wrong, but if I feel good then they can relax. This makes me not want to have dh around, and to not talk to anyone, because I am afraid of how they will take how I am feeling. I don't really think there is something wrong physically, but I am struggling with the losses more now and I think I'm just afraid to open the line between me and this baby for fear of what I'll hear.

[sste]

You - - and everyone around you - - MUST lose this sense that you can predict the pregnancy. We all have a 50% chance of being right about gender and I would love to take those odds to Vegas. As to you not attaching last time and something being wrong - - well as an outside observer it sounds to me that you are misattributing the correlation. You may very well be someone that does not attach to the yet unborn fetus in general or who has not done that since your first pregnancy or who did not do that last time due to bad medical signs and this time due your recent losses.

It is NOT the case that your lack of attachment indicates a birth defect or something wrong. I am not trying to be insensitive but rather to emphasize that the way you are thinking about this is compounding your stress. Really, you have to get on board with this or you are going to drive yourself crazy. And your relatives are not helping - - none of you can control this outcome. That uncertainty, as you know, is life with kids. Even once they are born, none of us knows what the future will bring for our DCs.

I am adding to my suggestions of talking with your OB/seeing a counselor that I think you would benefit from a lovely prenatal massage or church outing or retreat.

Hang in there! I was completely offkilter during my pregnancy, I have been there.

[arivecchi]

I was completely freaked out when I found out I was pregnant in both pregnancies and they were both planned. It is a huge moment and given your history, it is completely understandable that you are scared. I hope everything works out for you. Sending lots of hugs your way.

[gatorsmom]

I guess I do feel pressure to attach. My instincts are very good and we always relied on that, I knew the genders of all my pregnancies and didn't worry with dd at all because I knew she was alright and I would know if things weren't. With this last one, I knew and had so many clues that things weren't okay. Now I feel like everyone is watching me for doubt and that my having doubt means there is likely something wrong, but if I feel good then they can relax. This makes me not want to have dh around, and to not talk to anyone, because I am afraid of how they will take how I am feeling. I don't really think there is something wrong physically, but I am struggling with the losses more now and I think I'm just afraid to open the line between me and this baby for fear of what I'll hear.

I hate to say this but it's true- your feelings will feel more amplified now because of the pregnancy hormones. I think you would really feel much better if you talked to a therapist or your doctor.

If it makes you feel anybetter, I NEVER felt attached to any of the babies I carried while pregnant. I could never separate the feeling that my body was being invaded and being used by someone else (which of course, it was). My love and attachement to my children had to grow as I got to know them. I've been told this is totally normal. And, I'm just remembering this now, but I didn't feel at all connected to my 2nd child at first because my mother died 3 months before his birth. It was a very strange feeling to take care of him in a sort of 'autopilot" mode. But it slowly wore away and I felt normal again. It just took some time. And now he is perfectly happy surrounded by adoring parents and siblings.

Go easy on yourself and your DH. Just get through each day and allow yourself to feel your emotions fully. It will all take some time but it will all work out.

:hug:

[hillview]

This sounds like "partum" depression, anxiety and I completely agree about seeing a counselor and also talking to your doctor about it. And, if you can, maybe stop putting any expectations on your self other than I will get through the next hour in as satisfying a way as possible. I think you have way too much pressure on you to evaluate your "attachment" to the pregnancy.

I agree with sste. HUGS!!
/hillary

[Edensmum]

Thanks everyone. I did attach to dd from the beginning, and the feelings about the last pregnancy weren't medical so much as I felt pregnant and just didn't feel someone else there were really no symptoms at all, I found out via ultrasound that was done because I just felt something was not right. Where there was so clearly another someone there when I was pregnant with dd. I don't think that I can predict the pregnancy so much as that I know when to worry and when to let unnecessary thoughts/worries just pass by. I do think trusting instincts is important and I need to get back to doing so. I think is trying to avoid feeling anything I am allowing anxiety and fear with no purpose to consume too much time and thought and it is having a really negative affect. I will say that just this thread is helping tremendously. Saying it all, or rather typing it out makes it all so clear that I am creating anxiety for no reason and I need to step back and just stop. I do have the help of hormones and stupidly vivid dreams in creating this mess. I think I may take a trip alone for a couple of days with a good book, to the beach...

[egoldber]

I am sorry. I know very much how you feel. When I was pregnant with Leah I had had three previous miscarriages, and did not feel like it was "real" or that I was really having a baby until the second trimester. Then when we lost her and got pregnant with Amy I did not attach to her the entire pregnancy. It was not until I was in the delivery room and heard her cry and knew she was alive that I could let go and feel.

It sucked and it was awful, but basically pretty much just ignoring the fact that I was pregnant and not talking much about it was the only way I could cope with it.

My point is, this is a normal way that some people cope. Others cope differently and feel like celebrating every second. I am not like that. There is nothing wrong with not being like that. No one who has not had a pregnancy after a loss knows what it is like. Your innocence and faith that all will go well is gone.

And none of this had any bearing at all on how I felt about Amy from the second she was born. I would have jumped off the operating table and faced a lion to protect her if I had had to.

[Rainbows&Roses]

Yes, I agree with Beth. Having had my share of losses, I think what you are feeling is totally normal.

If you can get to the point where you can celebrate this pregnancy sometime before delivery, then you are doing well. People who have not had losses tend to not "get" how consuming the fears and worries can be, and how you just can't "get over it".

[Laurel]

FWIW, I planned both my pregnancies and still felt panic and doubt at first (both times). I also didn't/couldn't attach until well into the second trimester. I've decided there is no "right" way to feel about a pregnancy.

Take care of yourself and talk to DH about how you are feeling. A trip away sounds wonderful!