DH/P problem - can anyone relate?

[C99]

You (female) have a problem with something unrelated to kids or household. You tell DH about it. He gives you advice. You may have even asked for this advice, but you may not have. You consider his opinion, but do something different to solve the problem. And your DH gets *mad* at you for not following his advice. So now, not only do you have the original problem, you have a secondary problem. Does anyone else go through this? And how do you deal?

[tny915]

I get this all the time. I vent to DH about my problem. He always offers advice. I don't want advice, I just want a sounding board. What I do is I explicitly tell him tell him to just listen to me vent, and I tell him that I'm not asking for him to solve my problem. I have to tell him this, because he otherwise gets annoyed when I shoot down all of his suggestions.

DH went through a peer counseling class a while back, where part of the training was to teach them to just listen and not automatically go into problem-solving mode. I try to remind him of that when he instantly offers me advice.

[niccig]

Not my DH, but my mother. What they don't realise is that their advice is just that, advice. They can offer it, but it doesn't mean that you then have to do exactly what they say. You do have your own free choice.

Now with DH, there are things that we decide together, and sometimes it is how DH wants it to be. I've agreed then to do it his way. So I suppose it would depend if your DH thought you were agreeing to do it his way, or if it was just advice on a situation. You might need to do what the PP suggested and make it clear that you're just venting and want input, but you'll then decide what to do.

[MichelleRC]

All the time! I don't think men (or my DH anyway) are equipped to simply let us vent. Sometimes I just want to get something off my chest or relay a story without having the problem solved.

That is why we have girlfriends :)

[KBecks]

My husband must have gotten used to me not following his advice. ;)

[amandabea]

You (female) have a problem with something unrelated to kids or household. You tell DH about it. He gives you advice. You may have even asked for this advice, but you may not have. You consider his opinion, but do something different to solve the problem. And your DH gets *mad* at you for not following his advice. So now, not only do you have the original problem, you have a secondary problem. Does anyone else go through this? And how do you deal?

Ugh, I hate when my DH does that! Honestly, I think it's a male ego thing. My DH actually got *mad* at me when I called my brother with a question when we were shopping for a new washer and dryer -- my DH thought I was insulting his manhood! Seriously?! I just figured I was saving time by not having to research something myself!

I tell myself not to bring things up...but I often forget and have to re-live the headache and insanity. Those are the times that I comment how much easier my life was before marriage.

[dogmom]

My DH would do that ONCE, and then I would inform him that if he did it again he would be served with divorce papers.

[WatchingThemGrow]

The old Men Are From Mars, Women are from Venus book explains how women can just listen to one another vent, but that men are wired to give advice. I forget how it says to shut them up or not take their advice, but I always remember that he can't help but give it.

[LMPC]

If I want DH's advice I will ask for it. However, if I go to him bitching about something and he comes at me with the unsolicited advice I just tell him "You know, what I need right now it empathy, not advice." I don't expect him to know what I want all the time...um or most of the time...but if I tell him what I need it helps.

[Corie]

My husband has quit giving me advice for this very reason.

He says, "You are going to do what you want to anyway so don't ask me!"

So true.

[BabyMine]

Men are different.

Women like to talk it out.

Men like to fix and move on. He gave you the answer. He doesn't understand what the problem is becasue in his mind he fixed it.

Yep happens all the time in our house. I have to reimind my husband that I want his opinion not an answer.

[gatorsmom]

The old Men Are From Mars, Women are from Venus book explains how women can just listen to one another vent, but that men are wired to give advice. I forget how it says to shut them up or not take their advice, but I always remember that he can't help but give it.

I think it said something about pushing them into their "man cave." :D

[DrSally]

I think they get mad b/c it prob makes them feel helpless that they weren't able to "fix" your problem. Often times for men, feelings of helplessness lead right to anger.