Wedding etiquette for grad students and professors

[american_mama]

DH is a professor and I'm wondering what the etiquette is for attending grad students' weddings and giving wedding gifts. Does it seem like favoritism if DH attends his grad students' weddings as he is able (which means if they are local and if we are available)? How would you handle gift giving, mostly in terms of amount spent and uniformity between different students?

DH always has a group of grad students, who work closely with him in a lab, so plenty of teamwork and time spent interacting with each other. Last year, DH was invited to three of his grad students' weddings, all out of state, so we neither attended nor sent gifts. I had also not met any of these students personally, which made it even easier to send regrets.

This year, a student is getting married locally and I assume we will be invited and probably attend. It probably isn't relevant, but I've actually spent a whole evening and long car ride with her with DH, and I like her. I will probably handle the gift giving for her and any other grad student and probably do what I normally would for a wedding - spend my standard amount, chose from the registry if something strikes me fancy, if not... do what? I would normally send a check, but is that somehow wrong when giving to someone who is essentially DH's subordinate?

I just don't want DH's presence to be seen as favoritism or his gift seen as cheap. This is new territory to me since DH's advisor did not attend our wedding due to it being out of state and I didn't invite my boss.

[justlearning]

My two closest professors (the only ones I invited) attended my wedding when I was a grad student and gave me a standard gift that anyone else would give (something off my registry and around $50 then--10 years ago--if I had to guess). My wedding was local. I viewed myself as more than a subordinate, though, with those professors--they had become good friends and I knew their husbands and had been to their homes.

I would recommend doing whatever feels right in your situation and not worrying about favoritism, especially when comparing local to out-of-state weddings.

[KBecks]

I asked a college professor who was like my second father to my wedding. He and his wife did not attend but sent a gift to our house. I actually still feel some guilt because I didn't really want a gift, I just wanted to invite them to the wedding.

I'm sure the student would be thrilled if you attend, and whatever works for you for a gift or not. I think a great card or note would also be very special.

[misshollygolightly]

I invited several of my favorite and closest undergrad professors to my wedding (which took place a couple of weeks after my graduation), and most of them came and/or sent gifts. One or two picked things off the registry, but several sent other gifts: picture frames (which are always welcome, and you can stock up on when on sale at Hobby Lobby); a pretty table runner (not from my registry--maybe on sale at Marshall's or TJ Max, but I thought it was a very nice gift); a set of two Starbucks mugs and coffee (this from a professor who mentored me and met with me every other week at Starbucks for a year); a lovely folio edition of _Dubliners_ (from the professor who directed my honors thesis on Joyce); a very nice inscribed Oxford Bible (from an English professor who was also my Sunday School teacher and co-officiated my wedding). So just a whole range of things! I was SOOO honored and excited to have some of them actually come to my wedding--it really meant a lot to me. And all of the gifts were welcome--I honestly wasn't expecting gifts from them (figured they must attend half a dozen or so student weddings every year). I think that picture frames or coffee can be really nice, affordable gifts, if you want to go off-registry and/or pick something you can easily make your standard student-wedding gift (and stock up on when it's on sale!).

I'm in grad school now and hoping to be a professor one day myself, and I think I'll try to attend in-town weddings when it's convenient, and I'll probably pick a standard gift (less than I'd spend for other kinds of weddings) to give: maybe a Christmas ornament with the university's logo on it, coffee or coffee grinder, or picture frames. Good luck!

[KrisM]

I invited my grad school professor as did DH. Ironically, the professors are good friends with each other, although they live in Michigan and NH :). Anyway, neither of them came to the wedding, as it was 500-700 miles from them. DH's sent a gift. Mine sent nothing, which surprised me. I had expected at least a card.

[TwinFoxes]

You can't go back in time, but I would have sent a small gift to the students whose weddings I was invited to. If I understand, now you feel like you can't go and give a gift to the student whose wedding is this summer? I think you and your husband should go. As for the other students, if you feel bad/like you're being unfair, how about taking them all out for a celebration dinner, or inviting them over for a celebration dinner?

[lfp2n]

Hi

Well I'm in the same position as your DH. I have no hard and fast rules but usually if the wedding is out of state/far away I don't go or send a gift. If the wedding is local I will go and obviously you need to do a gift if you go to the wedding. Id probably do something off the registry nothing very extravagant.
Regardless of whether I go or not and where the wedding is, we would have some sort of very inclusive lab celebration at work usually involving cake, maybe drinks, maybe a small joint gift if people felt motivated. I might not organize it but I'd foot the bill.That's the way we do weddings, leavings, babies, major birthdays etc.

HIH

[MaiseyDog]

My husband and I are both professors and we handle it as we would any other wedding invite we receive. An invite is an invite. If the wedding is local and we are available, we go. If it's out of state, we don't go. We always send a gift of some sort. Definitely not anything lavish but something off the registry or a few of our fellow professors will go in together if things on the registry are over our price range. If it's a student we worked very closely with or one we had a special connection with we may spend more. I recognize that being a college professor puts us in a position to get more wedding invites just because of the age of the students we deal with, but I tend to look at it as the students thought enough of us to invite us (most people don't invite the professors they didn't like) and so I send along a little something to acknowledge their big day. I will say that luckily in my neck of the woods expensive wedding gifts are not the norm so my price range is usually in the $20-40 range and I don’t feel the gifts are thought of as cheap. That’s pretty much what most people not related to the bride and groom are spending.

[TwinFoxes]

My husband and I are both professors and we handle it as we would any other wedding invite we receive. An invite is an invite. If the wedding is local and we are available, we go. If it's out of state, we don't go. We always send a gift of some sort. Definitely not anything lavish but something off the registry or a few of our fellow professors will go in together if things on the registry are over our price range. If it's a student we worked very closely with or one we had a special connection with we may spend more.

:yeahthat:

[cvanbrunt]

As a former grad student and current professor, I treat invitations from students like any other wedding invitation. Gifts reflect how well I know them. I got married in grad school and the wedding was back at home. I invited my advisor and he came. DH invited his and they didn't. I wouldn't worry about this. Treat them like any other invite.

[geochick]

I was already married when I hit grad school, so this is a tough one. My dh is an MD, however, and if we were to be invited to one of his students'/residents' weddings, we'd send a gift no matter what. It's an invitation to one of the most important days of their lives! If they'd honor us with an invite, we'd honor them with a gift. If it were a student/resident he'd worked with for a long time, and really liked, I think we'd attend the wedding, and give a gift. I always do registry gifts.

I don't see it as favoritism. I see it as congratulations. If we were to be invited to one of their birthday parties, we probably wouldn't attend, and we wouldn't send a gift...unless we'd spent "an evening and a long car ride" with them. A wedding is different.

[DietCokeLover]

I'd also have DH check with the dept chair to find out if there is any sort of policy regarding attending social events with students. Things are pretty crazy these days and there seem to be ridiculous rules for everything.

[ThreeofUs]

We try to always send gifts to our grad students, but seldom attend a wedding. But I agree with the pp - an invite is an invite.