Is your job or your Spouse's job a "calling"? And is that a good thing?

[sste]

My DH and I were talking last night about our continued life-work balance problems. He was very upset and told me that his job is a calling for him and he just cannot leave at X time if a patient needs him, if his service is in disorder, if he feels like he hasn't gone the extra mile to research something for someone. He is in medicine and I would love to have him as my doc - - husband is another story! Anyway, I was thinking about it. I love my job, really adore it and never want to stop working. But it is not a calling for me in the sense of feeling like I have a responsibility to the greater good or feeling you were meant to do this or quasi-spiritual feeling about it. Anyway, I have been wondering whether any wife and baby can compete with a "calling." Your views?

Is your job a calling? Is your spouse's?

[jenny]

My husband is a pastor so I would say that his job is a "calling." There are days when he's not available b/c he is busy at church and I understand. That said, DH makes a real effort to be present for family events and work around his schedule.

He grew up as a pastor's kid and his parents never came to his sports events or musical events b/c they were so busy, so DH doesn't want to do that to our children. He makes an effort to put family as a priority.

I work as a journalist for a cancer magazine and while I consider my career a calling and will travel out of state if necessary to interview a person for a story, at the end of the day, I'm not married to my job and I know to set boundaries so I can be home.

[wendibird22]

Like you, I do like my job, but no, it's not a calling. When work hours end I pack up and head home. I do travel on occasion for work or work a night or weekend when I have to, but not because I'm so compelled that I can't not do it. I tell people that I work to live, not live to work.

I wouldn't say that DH is called to do his job, but he puts more into his job than I do mine. He says it's because he wants to do his job well, be successful at it, and therefore demonstrate to our children the ethics of hard work and dedication. I'd prefer to measure success by how I am as a mom and wife, not as an employee and think it is important to demonstrate work-life balance to our children. My dad is the same way as DH...he measures his success as a man by his success in the workforce. I think it's a guy thing.

[niccig]

No neither of us have a calling. DH works long hours sometimes as that what his work dictates, but I know he would prefer to be at home with us. He's knocked back some job opportunities as it would mean even more hours away and he feels the extra money isn't worth it.

We both had fathers that weren't home much as at work all the time, and we don't want to repeat that. My Dad ran his own business and told DH all the great things about it, then added that he never went to school or sporting events and if he could, he would have a do-over. At the time, the t-ball game didn't seem as important, but now looking back he realises how much he missed of our lives. And you can't get that time back. A friend has started his own business in DH's field and I asked DH if he was envious. DH said no, as the friend is never ever home. Yes, their family will be more financial secure, but DH said he earns enough, and we might not have as much money/house/car etc, but he has time with us.

Being a doctor must be very difficult though. It's not like you can just leave when a patient still needs you. But your children need your DH too. I hope you can find a way to balance things..

[Sillygirl]

Doctors really struggle with work-life balance, because the need is always endless. What specialty is your husband in? Some areas of medicine have gotten better than others. As more women enter medicine, we have demanded a better lifestyle for us and our families. Even with those changes, the majority of people prefer women doctors because we're perceived as more caring, so it can be done.

You might point out to your husband that you realize there are true emergencies where family plans may have to take a backseat. But a good chunk of any doctor's time is spent on paperwork and bureacracy. It needs to get done, but it's reasonable to urge him to place family time above that type of work.

Medicine is a calling for lots of doctors, certainly not all. One of our ER docs was complaining to me during the swine flu scare that he was going to be forced to work during an outbreak and the hospital wouldn't compensate him if he got sick. I told him to cowboy up. We get paid well, we get (sometimes) respect, we can detain people, we get all these rights. Part of the social contract then is that when things get ugly, we're putting ourselves on the front lines. My job is my calling - I can't imagine doing anything else.

[sste]

Husband is in gastroenterology - - one of the reasons we did this hellish fellowship was that he *thought* his lifestyle would be better in terms of time with family. Not clear if that is going to happen.

I think that part of the problem is that he decided (not suprisingly given how he feels) to go into academic medicine so he can deal with patients including poor and uninsured patients, teach residents, and continue his research. The problem with this is that if you want to do research, many programs, including his don't provide enough time so he is ending up doing a good chunk of that during our family time. However, if he doesn't do the research it does not, IMO, make much sense to take the 40% pay cut from private practice . . .

[maestramommy]

I am a teacher, and yes I think that is my calling. Now it's easy for me to say this, but I look at being a SAHM as also teaching, just in a different setting. One day I do hope to get back into the classroom.

My father is a pastor, and I know that is his calling. HOWEVER, I think all pastors (and doctors!)need to know/learn any kind of calling does not mean neglecting the family. By that I don't necessarily mean making it to all the games/performances, etc. I mean tending to the relationships you have with your spouse and children. If your job/calling requires you to spend a significant amount of time away from your family, it is your responsibility to compensate for that somehow, by supporting your spouse in having help, making an effort to show how much you appreciate your spouse carrying the extra load, doing little things that show your children you love them very much even though you can't always be there.

In my observations I see that choosing a partner who understands beforehand what life may be like with this kind of person makes a huge difference to the marriage overall. That said, it doesn't absolve the person with a calling of certain responsibilities. Why marry and have children if you're not going to take enough time and energy to nurture them? There is no standard amount of time and energy, I think it's really the intention/commitment and conveying said intentions clearly that make the difference.

[Sillygirl]

Husband is in gastroenterology - - one of the reasons we did this hellish fellowship was that he *thought* his lifestyle would be better in terms of time with family. Not clear if that is going to happen.

I think that part of the problem is that he decided (not suprisingly given how he feels) to go into academic medicine so he can deal with patients including poor and uninsured patients, teach residents, and continue his research. The problem with this is that if you want to do research, many programs, including his don't provide enough time so he is ending up doing a good chunk of that during our family time. However, if he doesn't do the research it does not, IMO, make much sense to take the 40% pay cut from private practice . . .

Times are hard in academia these days. My mentor left medicine altogether because she couldn't make funding work and the department wanted so much from her to compensate. It made me really angry because they were so unsupportive of the family obligations that so many doctors have at the start of their careers. You do take a big pay cut to work in academia and when you're in training that's all you've ever seen. I know when I was a fellow I was told over and over how hard private practice docs work. Well, now I'm in private practice and I love my life. I work way fewer hours, have tons more control and free time than any of my professors in academia. And I feel I can provide excellent care to my patients because if something doesn't work in my office, I can fix it instead of bumping into a huge university bureacracy.

It sounds as though work-life balance is already on his mind. Make sure you are keeping the lines of communication open, letting him know what's working and what isn't. If you're willing to move away from the bicoastal urban areas you can have a fulfilling professional life that leaves much more time for family.

[justlearning]

My husband is also a physician but doesn't really treat it like a calling in the way your husband seems to do. DH chose his profession because he wanted to help others, but he's happy to come home at the end of the day and leave his work there. And yes, it feels like a job to him--if we won a multi-million dollar lottery, I don't think he'd still be putting in long hours there! DH still does oftentimes have to work long days to get all his charts done or when he's working at their urgent care, but he does so out of necessity rather than due to a quasi-spiritual calling to this profession.

As for me, I'm a stay-at-home mom so sometimes this feels like a job to me, at other times a calling. Yesterday, when I had to clean up two blow-outs in DS's pull-ups and his hair all over the floor that he decided to cut on his own, it definitely felt more like a job! :)