Inlaws are constantly causing problems with DH - Looong

[edurnemk]

They're driving me nuts. My inlaws are really nosy and controlling, and are masters at manipulating DH. What bothers me the most is that they treat me really nicely in front of him and always tell him that I'm wonderful and they love me, but when he's not around to hear they behave like jerks. And he doesn't believe me, when I do complain about their comments he insists that I must have misinterpreted them. They're rude even to my family, even my friends don't like them because they see how they treat me. I think it's a carefully planned strategy: if they make him think that they love me sooo much, and I complain or behave coldly towards them, then I'm the bad guy right? Also other people have told me the kind of things they say about me and my family behind our backs.

Thankfully we now live very far from them, but every Sunday we talk to them through Skype so they can see DS on camera, and afterwards my DH is always on my case about not chatting enough or being too cold, or whatever. Oh, and they always want to see me on camera, today I was having a bad hair day, bad face day, etc, so I stayed just out of the camera view, and my MIL kept saying she wanted to see me, and then DH turned the camera towards me and sort of scolded me in a really low voice. I hate it! I don't like them seeing me because MIL and SIL are always wanting to know if I gained or lost an ounce, or whatever, they've even analysed my skin up close (when visiting) and asked about what lotion I use and stuff like that. When I was pg, all my MIL ever asked was how much weight I'd gained so far, and after 1 week of giving birth she kept asking how much I weight now. And since I've heard her critize a lot of people (her niece, for example) I feel they probably talk about me the same way. They hate my SIL's boyfriend, and they do the same with him, they say terrible things when he and SIL are not around and pretend to be really nice when they're there.

I'm a terrible actor and I can't pretend I'm delighted to see them, when they're such hypocrites and they keep dropping little comments to DH to try to get us to fight. I don't know what to do, and I know in a while when we sit down for dinner DH will go on and on about me not standing in front of the camera, and then he'll go on about how bad I'm with his family.

When we first got married, I was really naive and I tried sooo hard to build a good relationship with them, I even gave them more privileges than my own parents sometimes (boy, do I regret that now). But after being hurt by them one too many times and talking to a psychologist friend of mine, I decided it was best for me to keep my distance, and just be civil and polite to them but not get really close or confide in them.

They'll be coming for a visit in a few weeks and I'm already starting to stress out. Last time, SIL even went through drawers and closets (Like I said, they are NOSY). They're coming for my DH's graduation from Business School, and he invited my parents too. My mom and dad are staying a few days afterwards because my mom wants to celebrate her birthday with us. Well, a couple of weeks ago, I heard them asking DH on the phone when my parents were coming, and leaving, and what hotel they'd be staying at. A week later my SIL calls him and tells him she wants to stay for a few days, too (at our place of course), and I can't help but suspect this has something to do with the fact that my parents will be here, they're always super jealous when they know they're visiting (my mom is going to freak out when I tell her she'll be celebrating with SIL too). DH asked SIL today to come a few days before graduation instead of after, and she was all like "oh, well, let me see if it's not too expensive to change my ticket, I don't know if I can afford it, blah, blah). Oh, also we'll be moving out of our apartment a week after graduation, so having house guests in the middle of a move seems less than ideal (and I know from experiende she's not helpful at all).

Sorry about the long post, but I just needed to vent. And really I could write an entire book with all the stuff that's happened with them. :32:

[tnrnchick74]

HUGS! I'm not one to normally suggest putting other people in the middle of things like this...but I would find a mutual trusted friend of you & DH's who has heard the nasty stuff and see if that person would corroborate your experiences with the IL's to DH.

Maybe if he hears that there are other people who have seen this activity he will listen? I would also be having a heart to heart about how hurt and angry you are and how uncomfortable it makes you feel to be in front of the camera, only to have your looks/weight family fodder.

And the next time an IL asked me about my weight or skin I would DEFINITELY be saying "I've lost 50 lbs, and looking at you I know where it went!" or "I may not have the best skin, but you really need to take stock in Avon - your face is starting to sag!" Give it RIGHT back to them...or go the high road and tell them its none of their f%#&$g business what your weight or skin issues are!

HUGS!!!!

[Laurel]

Ugh, they sound like horrible people. However, I think you have a DH problem more than an in-law problem. I'm more angry by his disregard for your feelings than I am by your in-laws actions. Hope he "gets it" soon.

[maestramommy]

OMG your ILs sound like my grandmother, my mom's IL. Sweet as anything in front of other people, but so mean and cold when it was just them. I never knew any of it growing up, but I remember my parents having numerous fights about it, some really BAD. Somehow you've got to convince your DH of their hypocrisy. I second the suggestion of a mutual friend. Maybe even SIL's boyfriend?

One of my BF's MIL is a nightmare, and it all came to a head several years into their marriage. My friend was so stressed out every time her MIL came to visit, it was hard to watch. And my friend is a d@mn good DIL too! The MIL was just one of those people who are probably unhappy, extremely possessive of their sons. At the same time they are overbearing, controlling, think their way is the right way, etc. They've finally worked it out to a certain extent, but my friend still gets really stressed when she comes, partly because the visit is for MONTHS.

[KBecks]

Is your husband really great most of the time? I hope he is great most of the time, because you deserve that!

I guess my main suggestion is to know that the ILs hate you and that no matter what you do, they are not going to change. They are mean and hateful people. Perhaps you can see this as liberating. Since they will criticize you for anything anyway, you don't worry, just be you, have a bad hair day and then let them go and say horrible things. Because people who hear them say horrible things about you may realize that your ILs are the ones with the problem. I guess I'm the type of person who would eat a whole conatiner of Ben and Jerry's in front of MIL and SIL and enjoy it, and tell them about how good it is and all the great B&J flavors. (Seriously, you deserve some ice cream during this visit, don't you!)

I wouldn't do anything special for them and let them fend for themselves. Let your DH take care of them during their visit.

As for your DH. I think you will need to point out to him when ILs are manipulating him to start fights with you. I think that your DH may need a reminder that he needs to be good to the person he is living the rest of his life with. I hope your DH is a wonderful man and this is just a blind spot for him. Don't trash his parents, but you need to tell him pretty plainly that if MIL or SIL has a problem with you, they can come to you with it (like that is gonna happen), and that your relationship is between you and him, and not any ILs.

It sounds like a very tough spot. Try not to stress over the details. If your MIL or SIL is going to stay longer, then you just let them take care of themselves, order a big fattening pizza for dinner and give them paper plates to eat off while you ignore them and pack.

Your DH can have it be his job to be the hospitality manager for his family.

Oh and hide embarrassing things in your drawers. How about printed out sex ads from Craigslist? Have some fun, mortify them! Scare them away from ever coming back!

[happymomma]

I may be in the minority but how about next time they visit, you record some of the conversations that you have with them when your DH isn't there? Or borrow a nanny camera. It may be extreme but if my DH did not believe me about that I might resort to it and show him. Sometimes they just can't see it unless it's in their face.

Sorry about your problems with your ILs. It really sucks. I agree with some previous posts that you can't do anything to change it. They will be exactly what they are and not change.

[edurnemk]

And the next time an IL asked me about my weight or skin I would DEFINITELY be saying "I've lost 50 lbs, and looking at you I know where it went!" or "I may not have the best skin, but you really need to take stock in Avon - your face is starting to sag!" Give it RIGHT back to them...or go the high road and tell them its none of their f%#&$g business what your weight or skin issues are!

HUGS!!!!

:hysterical: thanks for that suggestion! Actually I have tried that kind of answer before and they really do back off, at least when it comes to making mean jokes or comments. MIL is really overweight and SIL, is too, and I've never had weight issues, so I thing it's kind of an envy thing, or wishful thinking. Every Xmas MIL will give me a sweater or other piece of clothing that's 2 sizes too big for me. Last time I did tell her I'd be needing the gift receipt because there is no way I could wear that.

Thankfully DH is wonderful in every other aspect, but he's blind when it comes to his family.


I may be in the minority but how about next time they visit, you record some of the conversations that you have with them when your DH isn't there? Or borrow a nanny camera. It may be extreme but if my DH did not believe me about that I might resort to it and show him. Sometimes they just can't see it unless it's in their face.

I actually have thought of doing this, although it's a little extreme...

Thanks to everyone for your suggestions! And man, do I feel for the pp's friend who get a MIL visit that lasts for MONTHS! Thankfully I never see them for more than a week.

[DebbieJ]

there's a book out there called BOUNDARIES. It's written from a Christian perspective, but if you are not a Christian and are willing to look past those references, it's a FABULOUS book. It could really do you a lot of good to set your own personal boundaries and enforce them with your ILs.

yes, your DH needs to start standing up for you since YOU are his family now, but you can at least start putting up some defenses for yourself.

[sste]

Well, if I could play armchair psychiatrist for a moment . . . is it possible that your ILs treated your DH in this hyper-critical manner his whole life? To me, it sounds like he is still desperately trying to win or earn their approval. I think that is where his criticizing you is coming from. I have no idea how to communicate this to your DH but somehow he needs to hear how damaging this dynamic is . . . and that you will not be part of it anymore.

Consider promptly but politely ending all conversations with ILs and DH that have to do with weight, skin, or any criticism. For ILs, I would go with "I have a call waiting," "Oh, DC is calling for me, let's talk later," even "the skype is acting up, gotta go!" For DH, I would flat out tell him that you are not engaging in the (impossible) task of earning his parents approval and then I would leave the room and refuse to discuss the basis for the criticism - - I would only discuss why he is critical to you when ILs are involved.