Playdate rejection

[lisams]

I'm sad about this, but mostly for selfish reasons. We've been out of school for a week, and I really was looking forward to getting together with some of DD's school friends and their moms. Mainly, I wanted to have some time to spend with the other moms and of course DD would love to play with her friends. We've all enjoyed chatting and hanging out together before and after school.

It seems that three of them have kind of joined together and have made plans that we are not included in. These are three of the moms I felt most connected to. One of the moms accidently asked if I was "going with them tomorrow" and I had no idea what she was talking about, so later another mom invites me. I know they're trying to be polite and not make me feel bad, but it felt pretty clear that the original intent was for us to not be part of the gathering.

I know why. One of the other moms has reminded me several times of DD's high energy/intensity and how her child seems to get more loud and silly when she's around mine. We are working so hard with DD, I've been working with a psychologist and trying strategies. It just makes me sad, especially since I would really enjoy their company.

The kicker is the mom who says DD makes her child behave differently has no problems having me take her child repeatidly so she can go work out or whatever she needs to do. I don't mind, as a matter of fact it's been really good social skill practice for DD with me right there to coach DD through certain situations, but now I feel totally used.

I've been feeling down and sad lately, and a lot of it has to do with trying to figure DD out and this felt like a huge blow. In the grand scheme of things it's not a big deal, but right now it hurts.

thanks for listening :)

[JTsMom]

:hug: Maybe it was just something silly like they each thought the other had already asked you or something? I'm thinking if one of the 3 didn't know that you had not been asked, it's not like they have actually actively discussed leaving you out, kwim?

[maestramommy]

That really blows :hug5:It seems really unkind in particular of the one mom that uses you for childcare, but doesn't want your kid around for playdates. WTF? Does she suppose her kid is NOT on a playdate when you watch her??

So sorry:hug5:

[KBecks]

Are you going to go? I think you should go and then during the playdate, start making the plans for the next one.

Seriously, you want playdates, go have playdates. The mom who has complained can suck it up.

[Fairy]

If you feel like an afterthought or a pity invite or a make good invite or whatever euphamism you want to put on it, I know how awkward you may feel then about accepting the invitation. It's a tough call on your own emotions to accept the invite knowing that it wasn't, necessarily, genuine. Then it's weird. However, consider this. If you feel that the other moms would want you along but it's just the one mom you feel is the naysayer, then you may want to reconsider and just go. Especially since one of the moms assumed you were going, so that's one chick who's with you for you. Also, if you think this would be good for your child and that she would benefit and have a genuinely good time, then you might consider accepting and saying, ya know what, we're goin', and we're doin' it for DD. I also agree with a PP that you should suggest the next get together and then actually go thru real dates in the conversation and not leave it as, "yeah, that would be great, we should do that, maybe in June!"

:hug: Good luck.

[lisams]

:hug: Maybe it was just something silly like they each thought the other had already asked you or something? I'm thinking if one of the 3 didn't know that you had not been asked, it's not like they have actually actively discussed leaving you out, kwim?

Good point! I think it's the one mom who would rather DD not be there. Her DD and mine love playing together - as a matter of fact when the playdate is over she doesn't want to leave our house. I think the mom just doesn't like when the two get silly and likes to think it's entirely DD's doing.

[lisams]

That really blows :hug5:It seems really unkind in particular of the one mom that uses you for childcare, but doesn't want your kid around for playdates. WTF? Does she suppose her kid is NOT on a playdate when you watch her??

So sorry:hug5:

I know! Yesterday I took her DD and mine to the movies, brought them back and made them lunch and then they played here for a a few hours (it was a fun day for them and they behaved so well so it was enjoyable for me as well). Then I find out that we weren't invited. It just felt like a slap in the face.

[lisams]

Are you going to go? I think you should go and then during the playdate, start making the plans for the next one.

Seriously, you want playdates, go have playdates. The mom who has complained can suck it up.

No, we're not going. I just can't go knowing that the invite wasn't a true one.

I just have to let this go and move on. Luckily there are many other children in her class that she has become good friends with, so we can plan something with them.

[lisams]

If you feel like an afterthought or a pity invite or a make good invite or whatever euphamism you want to put on it, I know how awkward you may feel then about accepting the invitation. It's a tough call on your own emotions to accept the invite knowing that it wasn't, necessarily, genuine. Then it's weird. However, consider this. If you feel that the other moms would want you along but it's just the one mom you feel is the naysayer, then you may want to reconsider and just go. Especially since one of the moms assumed you were going, so that's one chick who's with you for you. Also, if you think this would be good for your child and that she would benefit and have a genuinely good time, then you might consider accepting and saying, ya know what, we're goin', and we're doin' it for DD. I also agree with a PP that you should suggest the next get together and then actually go thru real dates in the conversation and not leave it as, "yeah, that would be great, we should do that, maybe in June!"

:hug: Good luck.

Very good points. I just need to plan some get togethers, and if the other mom wants to come along, great, if not then that's fine too. I wish things didn't need to get so complicated.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I wonder if it was just a total oversight. I'd go tomorrow and have fun. :)

Beth

[DietCokeLover]

I would go too. You can always see what the tone of the gathering is and then make a decision about whether you want to participate again or not. And, if it's terribly uncomfortable for you, fake a headache and you're out of there.

[lisams]

I wonder if it was just a total oversight. I'd go tomorrow and have fun. :)

Beth

I really, really hope it is, but in my gut I feel like it's not. The way this mom feels the need to tell me repeatedly that her DD gets silly when around mine makes me feel like she'd rather not have DD there. I get it - but I don't think it's totally DD that's the issue. Most of the kids get that way when together, but who knows!

We'll just make other plans and I'm going to do my best to let this roll off my back. Just wish it wouldn't bug me so much!

[Fairy]

Lisa, it seems to me that this is a one-way deal, and you're getting the raw end of it Might want to stop agreeing to watch her DC.

[Ceepa]

Lisa, it seems to me that this is a one-way deal, and you're getting the raw end of it Might want to stop agreeing to watch her DC.

I agree with this. Your DD likes to play with her DD so they can see each other at playdates but do not provide daycare.

[lisams]

Lisa, it seems to me that this is a one-way deal, and you're getting the raw end of it Might want to stop agreeing to watch her DC.

I'm beginning to feel this way. I've never really minded watching her DD because they have so much fun together and I'm there to keep a check on DD, but now it seems like the only time her mom wants her DD to play with mine is when she needs someone to watch her child. Now with summer, I was really hoping to keep connections with the other moms because it's nice to have that adult interaction while the kids play together. It seemed like a win-win, but so far it's not working out to be.

[sste]

With respect to the whole group of moms, it may be that they were all together someplace and made plans. Or that it is just easier to make plans with a few people. I would try not to take this personally with respect to all the moms and consider going with them tomorrow or inviting them to a separate playdate.

With respect to the one mom you are describing, she had better watch out for karma - - there are alot of years between now and college and many easy kids are difficult adolescents. That mom sounds like kind of a twerp anyway, not sure you are missing that much not having a close friendship with that one mom. I agree with other posters about not providing childcare anymore.

[lisams]

With respect to the whole group of moms, it may be that they were all together someplace and made plans. Or that it is just easier to make plans with a few people. I would try not to take this personally with respect to all the moms and consider going with them tomorrow or inviting them to a separate playdate.



You are right, and I do know that at least one of the moms was fine with us coming along since she asked if we were coming.

[maestramommy]

With respect to the one mom you are describing, she had better watch out for karma - - there are alot of years between now and college and many easy kids are difficult adolescents. That mom sounds like kind of a twerp anyway, not sure you are missing that much not having a close friendship with that one mom. I agree with other posters about not providing childcare anymore.

:yeahthat: I could see wanting to avoid a kid if they were just mean or way too rough. But then I wouldn't be asking said kid's mom to watch MY kid! But just being loud and silly?? They're kids!!

[KpbS]

:hug: I know what that feels like. My big kid loves to be loud and silly and has a little trouble sometimes w/ personal space/boundaries. Sounds like to me she is pretty uptight. Ask some other friends for a playdate to somewhere fun and I bet it will help your perspective. Or just ask the one woman who was interested in getting together. It stinks to be where you are not wanted or your friendship isn't appreciated. You can do better!

[Melbel]

I personally would give them the benefit of the doubt, go and have fun. It very well could be an oversight. Particularly this time of year, everyone is very busy with end of year activities and coordinating a group gathering is not always easy. If it happens again or if you get negative vibes, only then would I take other steps.

[Corie]

You are right, and I do know that at least one of the moms was fine with us coming along since she asked if we were coming.


So how about calling this mom and her child for playdates over the summer? :)

[StantonHyde]

The next time she says something about your DD riling up hers--I would say something to the effect of "Gosh, that never happens when *I* watch them--she must just misbehave for you". Seriously, what a beeyotch. If your kid is "detrimental" to hers then she should not be leaving her DD at a playdate where she is not present. Or, your DD is perfectly acceptable and thus that is why her DD can play.

Go to the playdate--go, go, go. Do NOT let one person ruin your day.

[s_gosney]

That stinks! I'm sorry. :hug:
I would definitely call up the other moms and see about planning something. You could even invite the one difficult mom if you're not feeling too burned by her. Honestly though, since you kind of have a natural end to the relationship with the end of school, I would be tempted to let that one just fade away unless the other girl is one of dd's favorite people. If your dd would be very upset to lose this friendship, I might continue getting the girls together and just know that your adult interaction time will have to come from somewhere else.

[Jenny_A]

I'm sorry! That stinks! I agree with the PPs though, go and have fun! It doesn't sound like they got together and talked about you or your DD behind your back since that one Mom mistakenly thought you had been invited. I'll bet it wasn't intentional. At least by a majority of the moms.

My DD wasn't invited to a birthday party recently and she was aware she wasn't invited. I was hurt about it because she was hurt. I took DD and we went out and bought the girl a birthday present and gave it to her anyway :).

[ha98ed14]

Hugs to you!. It sucks. I have been in this exact situation where 4 out of the 5 moms like me and we get on, and one doesn't. (She and I don't pretend to like eachother, but we don't publicise it either, so many people don't know.) It ALWAYS hurts when the one plans events and does not invite me, but invites everyone else and then the others ask me if I'm going. Although in my case, it is me she does not like, not my DD.

Anyway, I guess what I am trying to say is I have been there and it hurts and no amount of "giving the benefit of the doubt" is going to change what you feel you know: that it WAS an intentional slight on the part of the one mom. HOWEVER, that does not mean that the other 2 moms don't like you and your DD. That counts for something. You are liked and accepted, just not by this one mom. Well, who made her the queen of all things social? If you can, I would find a way to maintain the friendships with the two moms who do affirm you, but as PPs said, don't be the daycare provider for this other woman. Talk about feeling used! If btch mom has any social clue at all she will never ask you for this type of favor again. So, extend the benefit of the dount for the other 2, but cut this woman out of your social network. If you happen to see her at someone else's event, say a brief hello and find a reason to excuse yourself.

[lisams]

Thank you all for listening!

The mom is in general a nice person, I've enjoyed chatting with her, but when she starts telling me negative things about DD repeatedly and then continues to have me watch her child several times a month it starts wearing on me. If she really felt that DD was a bad influence on hers then she wouldn't be having me take her so often. And honestly, both of the girls have moments (saying potty words like poopy when playing cats just to be silly, giggling loudly, disagreeing about who should be the mom cat, etc.) that I think are pretty normal for their age. I remind them of the rules or step in when they need help solving a problem and we move on. It's not like my child is hurting hers or being mean. I cannot imagine telling her about every little moment where her child was less than perfect, why would anyone do that? The not being invited was the last straw, and it hurt.

So we're moving on. I talked to DH and he agrees that this is a great time to end the friendship since school is over.

Thanks again for "talking" me through this. I really appreciated it!

[lorinick]

I wonder if it was just a total oversight. I'd go tomorrow and have fun. :)

Beth

:yeahthat: I'd go maybe someone just forgot to mention it to you. This happens often when my friends set up girl's night out. Someone meybe be forgotten until the end when were like have you heard from so and so, did you talk to her. No I thought you did. So things do happen like this often. I'd go and see what the reaction you get is.

[niccig]

:yeahthat: I'd go maybe someone just forgot to mention it to you. This happens often when my friends set up girl's night out. Someone meybe be forgotten until the end when were like have you heard from so and so, did you talk to her. No I thought you did. So things do happen like this often. I'd go and see what the reaction you get is.

Yeah, go and see what it is. Over the summer, set up play dates with the other 2 mums. And if the other mum asks you for babysitting, "Sorry, I'm busy".

[Tondi G]

Thank you all for listening!

The mom is in general a nice person, I've enjoyed chatting with her, but when she starts telling me negative things about DD repeatedly and then continues to have me watch her child several times a month it starts wearing on me. If she really felt that DD was a bad influence on hers then she wouldn't be having me take her so often. And honestly, both of the girls have moments (saying potty words like poopy when playing cats just to be silly, giggling loudly, disagreeing about who should be the mom cat, etc.) that I think are pretty normal for their age. I remind them of the rules or step in when they need help solving a problem and we move on. It's not like my child is hurting hers or being mean. I cannot imagine telling her about every little moment where her child was less than perfect, why would anyone do that? The not being invited was the last straw, and it hurt.

So we're moving on. I talked to DH and he agrees that this is a great time to end the friendship since school is over.

Thanks again for "talking" me through this. I really appreciated it!

I wouldn't let her win! Since you have now been invited I would go. Your DD will have a good time and if this other mom starts in about your DD I would put her on the spot. My response would be "if you feel like my DD's behavior is inappropriate and you don't like the way our kids PLAY together then why do you ask me to watch her for you all the time?" Put it in her court and see what she has to say for herself! Or ask her what she thinks you can do to curtail their "play" to make her happy with it. THEY ARE CHILDREN!!!! They play, they get loud, they giggle and bathroom humor. This woman is in for it if she has a son one day! My boys are constantly talking about butts and farts and puke and poop.... it is never ending!!!!!

In the future I would make plans with the other mom you mentioned.

[mommylamb]

I'm a pretty blunt person, so the way I would handle this is probably different from the way a lot of other people would. I would call her on it. Something like:

So and so, could I talk to you about something? I've been thinking about this for a while and it's eating me up a bit, so rather than just wonder, I thought I'd ask you. I was a little hurt that I wasn't initially invited to the outing you were planning, and I wondered if it might be because of the concerns you've talked about before regarding how our girls act when they're together. I consider you a friend, so I figured it would be better to be up front and ask you if I'm right rather than let it stew.

If she's honest with you and says yes, then you can decide if this is someone you want to continue a friendship with. Maybe it will just shame her into saying no that's not the case. Or, maybe that's not the case at all and there's something else that you don't know.

[Corie]

If she's honest with you and says yes, then you can decide if this is someone you want to continue a friendship with.


And at this point, you can tell her that you are no longer able to watch her
child.