What parenting did you experience that you will not repeat

[niccig]

So there are some things that my parents did that I've sworn I won't do with DS. Just wondering if I'm the only one.

* take DS to activities/sporting games and not complain/refuse to drive him
* less drama and yelling
* let DS have a some say in schooling as he gets older and choice at college. My sisters and I were pushed into certain areas from a young age
* don't hold grudges. My sister is 35 and still hears about some mistakes she made at 15.

So what's on your list of "do not repeat"???

[TwinFoxes]

My list is too long and scary...but the core thing I'll do differently is "show my girls what it's like being married to a loving wonderful partner/husband/father." Followed by "don't let any guy treat you badly."

[egoldber]

Pretty much :yeahthat:

OTOH, it taught me not to sweat the small stuff. :ROTFLMAO:

[kayte]

Wow. Not even sure where to go with that... My list would be a mile long.

My mom pretty much abandoned me at 14 to marry another guy and have another family of children with him. She wasn't really present from the time I was nine and we haven' spoken since I was 15 (21 years ago). I struggle with finding my way down the mothering trail often without a good influence--I read so many parenting book as a result. I have really enjoyed and treasure the relationship I built with DD but a day doesn't go by when I don't have a quick tinge of "don't screw this up like your mother".

[firsttimemama]

just off the top of my head

spanking
constant yelling
threats
abandonment
abuse

well, I can probably stop there!

[ourbabygirl]

Have our kids pay for more (college, in particular) and have more responsibilities than I had. I think we were spoiled (me, especially), and I kind of learned to be too dependent on others, and now it's a life change to be in charge of the whole house and kid and didn't have to do much cleaning, cooking, etc. when I was little.
Be honest with my daughter and future kid(s); be open with her about a lot more so that she feels comfortable coming to talk to me about her period, sex, marriage, etc. Still feel weird talking to my mom about BF and other stuff, cuz she is more private.
Encourage lots of communication and together time with DD and her dad/ DH, to promote a healthy and strong father/daughter relationship early on.
Other than that, I had a great childhood and owe my mom/ parents a lot for our upbringing:)!

[ha98ed14]

Have our kids pay for more (college, in particular) and have more responsibilities than I had. I think we were spoiled (me, especially), and I kind of learned to be too dependent on others, and now it's a life change to be in charge of the whole house and kid and didn't have to do much cleaning, cooking, etc. when I was little.


I think most of this sounds reasonable, but I would caution you, now, while your DC is young to start putting some money aside for college. College tuition costs are far out-pacing inflation, so who knows how much it will cost with DC is ready to go. On average, students TODAY graduate with $20K of debt. Think about it, 20 year olds with no previous professional job or life experience owe the cost of a new car.Who knows what that will be when DC is ready to go. You don't want your baby to start their adult life saddled with that much debt.

We are not wealthy by any means. (We live on 50K a year in SoCal) but I still have a college fund for DD. It has barely 2K in it, but it is a beginning and better than nothing. Please, start a fund for DC and sock away whatever you can. You can still raise them to be responsible and to have a good work ethic and still have something to help them pay for college or a trade school or other skill acquisition for their adult life. I'm piutting this out there now because right now, time is your best advantage.

[Moneypenny]

I will do my darndest to accept help should I ever have a mental illness. I think that would pretty much take care of all the things I experienced while growing up.

[mommylamb]

I'm a very lucky person. I think overall, my parents did a wonderful job at parenting and there is so much that they did that I will do as a parent. I was lucky. I love them and I'm very grateful to them for all they did raising me.

As for things I would do differently, my mother and I are very close friends, and I think at times she told me things that she shouldn't have, even when I was a teenager. For example, when she would be angry at my father for something. It's one thing when she shares those things with me now, but probably not something you want to confide in your child.

My parents are progressive in so many ways, and it was always important to them that my sister and I grew up to be strong, independent women. However, despite their rhetoric on these things, they have very stereotypical gender roles in the home. My mother cooks always. Even making my dad breakfast. He sits down at the table with his newspaper and she brings his breakfast to him. He cleans a little now that he's retired and she's still working. But come on! I wouldn't want my son to grow up thinking that women do the cooking and cleaning and men do the outside chores and that's the way it is.

But those complaints, in comparison to some of the truly awful things a lot of parents do, are pretty mild. Of course, there were other things they did out of just not knowing (my mother carying me on her lap in the car comes to mind... ha ha)

[newg]

I want to be more comfortable talking with DD (and future DC) about anything they have questions about.....as a pp mentioned......my mom had the sex talk with me but I never felt comfortable talking with her about that kind of stuff.......I want DD to be comfortable with me....

[pinkmomagain]

I had a great childhood. The only thing I can think of that I don't want to repeat is that my parents made me enroll in a local private college. Going away to school was not an option. So I want my girls to have that opportunity....and I am already looking forward to visiting campuses, helping them set up their dorm rooms, etc. My husband is going to have to hold me back from moving into their dorm rooms with them...because I truly be wanting to live that college life vicariously through them!!!

[maydaymommy]

I will not abandon one child as she approaches adolescence in order to parent a new baby. My mother was really proud of doing this! She would brag that having her children 12 years apart was so great because she could "leave me alone" as a teenager to focus on her new baby. I will continue being a parent and recognize that this is a very important time for guidance, and limits.

In addition, I will parent our children not just as individuals, but I will work on parenting the sibling relationship as well. It's my belief that lots of parents in my parents' generation (ie. Hippies) were SO in to the nurturing the individual, that they didn't focus on developing family relationships.

[bubbaray]

Where to start? My mother was like Joan Crawford.... I pretty much want to be the exact opposite of her, though some days I revert to what I saw. That makes me very sad as I definitely want to be nothing like my mother.

[niccig]

I pretty much want to be the exact opposite of her, though some days I revert to what I saw. That makes me very sad as I definitely want to be nothing like my mother.

I do this too sometimes. I slip back into the patterns I grew up in. But, I am determined for that to happen less and less. DS will have a different childhood.

I didn't mean to get anyone upset by starting this topic. I just wondered if there is anyone else out there that struggles to be a different parent than what they experienced...

[maestramommy]

At the top of my list is doing CIO to a newborn. My ped said it was okay if they were fed and dry, and I didn't know any better. That lasted once or twice, and I didn't do it anymore.

I will try try TRY not to compare my kids to each other, ESPECIALLY in regards to physical appearance. My mother did it, and STILL does it.

[gatorsmom]

I will definitely teach my children as much as I can as early on as possible about money. My parents really didn't make me responsible for anything- including insurance on the car they bought me. I'm still very intimidated by money issues. I will also encourage my kids to invite friends to the house and help them develop friendships outside the family. My mother never did that- probably because she never saw the need. Her best friends were her seven sisters whom she could call anytime to talk with about anything. I also won't let them watch as much TV as she let me watch.

I have to say, though, that I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. I was adopted at birth by a family who told me all the time that I was special because they would have traveled around the world to bring me home. I pray to God my children feel half as much love.

[jgenie]

I plan to teach DS to help with household chores and not complain about how he does them. I plan to compliment DS and tell him how proud I am of him - my mother felt it was wrong to compliment your own children so any compliment was buried under criticism. I plan to have conversations w/ DS early in his life so he will feel comfortable coming to me later in his life. I plan to spend quality time w/ DS even at the expense of a spotless house.

[frgsnlzrds]

I will never hide my child's glasses and make her write a thousand sentences about how she will be responsible enough to put them away in the future.

I will never put a ten minute time limit on breakfast time and take away her cereal at the end of that so that I may put it in the fridge (milk and all) to force her to eat as an after school snack.

I will never make my child sit at the dinner table until midnight because he wouldn't eat his dinner.

I will never lock my child out of the house because I don't think he spends enough time playing outside.

And most importantly, I will never ignore the achievements of one child to praise another just because she needs "extra encouragment". I will be proud of each of them and treat them as equal individuals.

[niccig]

I have another one.

I will never force feed my child carrots because I think he's just being picky.

[lizajane]

i am so sorry so many of you have such difficult childhoods.

factoring in the fact that no one and nothing is perfect, my childhood was nearly as good as it gets. and i am grateful. i hope my gratitude is enough to deserve all that i enjoyed as a child.

[jent]

* take DS to activities/sporting games and not complain/refuse to drive him
* less drama and yelling


Yes and yes. Also:

* not favor one child over the other, as this hurts _both_ kids
* try to see things from DC's point of view, or at least not to seem to always put my needs first
* not to constantly criticize (it's funny, I didn't even realize how much my mom did this until DH pointed it out to me)
* try to be on the same page with DH in regards to parenting, and not hash out our differences in front of the kids

[ThreeofUs]

Help them develop a sense of responsibility
Enable them to follow their passions productively
Help them negotiate schooling so they don't get bored
Give them the tools to understand and practice good planning
Teach them about love and respect for themselves as well as others

But, my mom did give me, and I hope to pass on to my sons, two fundamental things:
-an abiding joy and wonder about the natural world
-knowledge that I was always loved

[ourbabygirl]

I think most of this sounds reasonable, but I would caution you, now, while your DC is young to start putting some money aside for college.
You can still raise them to be responsible and to have a good work ethic and still have something to help them pay for college or a trade school or other skill acquisition for their adult life. I'm piutting this out there now because right now, time is your best advantage.

Oh, I totally agree! My DH's parents saved NOTHING for any of their 3 kids, and so he's had lots of undergrad (and now grad) loans to pay back. He was able to get some scholarships, but would have rather gone to a different & more school if it were possible. I came from the other end of the spectrum; went to an expensive school that I didn't have to pay for, then got a job as a teacher (way low salary compared to tuition costs), and now am trying the SAHM thing, at least until the kid(s) are in school. I just feel like I kind of wasted my parents' money and want our kids to have at least some of the responsibility of paying for PART of their schooling. We have a savings account with around $1500 for our daughter, and will be starting a 529 shortly. DH and I also want to focus on retirement, too, though, since you can't get loans for that!

[Raidra]

I had a really great childhood, thank goodness. More often than not, I want to be like my mother, not different from her. Oddly enough, though, we do a LOT of things differently than my parents, (homebirthing, breastfeeding, homeschooling, staying at home), but it's more a case of us having more information than they had, and us being slightly better off financially. Oftentimes, my mom thinks that our choices reflect a negative opinion of their choices, but that's so not the case. Her overall approach (AP, kindness, respect, generosity) is what we strive for.

That said, there are a few things..

I try to always be honest about what I want/how I feel. Sometimes my mom played the sort of games that you do with adults, like.. "Oh, no, I'm not angry. No, really, I'm fine" when really you're pissed. You know what I mean? That was a little confusing as a kid.. or maybe I'm just really socially awkward. :)

I plan to teach them better money habits. My parents are horrible with their money, and thus so am I (and unfortunately, my husband is, too). This is a glaringly big problem for us, so we know we need to help our children learn fiscal responsibility.

When I was about 10, my parents went through a rough patch.. money problems, which put a big strain on their marriage. My mom vented to me a lot.. and in some ways, it was good (I always knew my parents didn't have a lot of cash and never asked for money.. I saw my parents stick together and work out their problems). But I think I'd try to avoid that with my own children, while finding other ways to teach them the good things I learned.

[MamaMolly]

Ditto better money habits. I can't hold on to money to save my life. I see my mom in this, and as she is now elderly and on a very fixed income it is scary. Really working to change that in myself so as to be a good model for DD.

I want to educate DD about a healthy and fulfilling $ex life so that she doesn't feel she has to fit into a 1950's mold of either virgin or whore. Seriously, my mother had 2 categories. She called me recently to gossip about my stepmother (OMG. the 2nd stepmother, BTW.) and how Mom has lost all respect for Stepmom because Mom found out SM and my father met in an online singles chatroom . GHASP!! Almost as slutty as calling boys on the phone! Double GHASP! But all sarcasam aside I think that this point of view had a huge impact on my life, and mostly a negative one.

I hope I can be an effective parent as DD enters her teen years. My dad was way too involved in his extra-marital affairs to pay attention to us and my mom was too busy working and being pi$$ed off.

I will.not.forget. my DDs 16th birthday. In fact I may have to make it crazy big just to compensate for missing my own. No cake, no card, no mention. Not even after.

I will not restrict sweets (within reason). Making something taboo only makes it that much more attractive.

[kijip]

Making my kids panic about either money or the future of the earth. I think it is fine for kids to understand their parent's financial limitations but if we were ever in a really tight spot money wise, especially with younger kids, I would not want them panicking about where they would be sleeping and eating etc. Additionally, I don't want my kids feeling hopeless about things like religion, war, politics etc. My mother grew up believing that the apocalypse was coming. She did not want that for her kids but she and my dad repeated it with a different "looming disaster". I grew up thinking nuclear disaster and war were going to end the world as I knew it. I am NOT going to do that to my child, in any way shape or form, so I tend to focus on the positive things that people can do to help the environment etc.

[SpaceGal]

There are many parenting things that both DH's parents and my mom have done that I really don't want to repeat with our kids. So far I think we have done a lot of things differently and our approach with our kids is much different than our parents had with us.

I have however, come to realize that somethings are hard to not "repeat". Like nowadays, I feel like a lot of parents don't push their kids as hard...or maybe it's the parents around us and their parenting style. I suppose our parents put a lot of pressures on us to do well in school and get top grades, typical. I do catch myself going that route a bit but at the same time I don't think I will lay off my kids either because I do believe you do have to push them sometimes...it is a matter of how it's done I guess. It's a bit hard to explain...but a lot of it stems from a cultural thing I think...being Asian it's competitive and always striving to be the best of what you can be.

[sunshine873]

Really, I had an incredibly wonderful childhood. My parents taught me how to love and loved me unconditionally. There were rules to follow, but there was always room for fun. I want that for DD. If I could give her the kind of childhood that I had I would be proud and consider my parenting a success. That said, there's always room for improvement, right? How do I foster the open conversations about those "touchy" subjects (sex, period, etc.) I always felt awkward talking to my mom about those things.

[brittone2]

At one time I teased my mom about nursing me to 18 months, and told her cosleeping was dangerous. Fast forward, and I nursed/am nursing kids well into toddlerhood/preschool age, including tandem nursing LOL, and both kids coslept/cosleep (DS for 3 years, DD is 2.5 and is still with us).

What I won't repeat:
spanking

I feel my parents didn't give me enough freedom in middleschool/early high school age, and I think that actually made me rebel much more than I would have otherwise.

Definitely not a lot of openness about sex. I'd like to my kids to be able to talk to me more about sex, etc. even if those conversations are difficult to have.

My mom in particular still to this day has a very difficult time recognizing that sometimes people need to vent without her giving advice, kwim? It made it hard to talk to her about what was going on w/ my friends in high school, etc. because she couldn't *listen* but would immediately judge/give advice, etc.

My mom and I had a horrible relationship in middle/high school. I think out of all of my friends, I had the absolute worst relationship w/ my mom. Post college my mom and I became really, really close and we are close to this day. I'm thankful that things turned around :) Our adult to adult relationship is much healthier and much better than our mom/child relationship ever was.

I think my parents did the best they could w/ what they knew at the time. I don't really hold anything against them. I think if they had it to do over again, there are a lot of things they would choose to do differently this time around on their own, kwim? I have one adult sibling (in his 40s) who still blames his entire *life* on their parenting. (and believe me, many of his issues are of his own making).

[BabyMine]

I will teach my children how to save money and get everyhting they want.

I will make sure each of them do chores and not give up and do it myself

(If I had a DD) I would never constantly worry about how fat I am (even when you're not.

I will ask for help when I need it

I never appreciated how lucky I was growing up until I had my DC. My mom is a great role model and my DC absolutely love her. If you would have asked me this when I was 16 I could have wrote a novel. Now I understand and appreciate her. I have the utmost respect for single parents.

[dcmom2b3]

No spanking.

No badmouthing the other parent (or anyone, for that matter).

No threats of abandonment or of suicide.

No perpetuation of appearance-based prejudices and judgments (especially as manifested in the African-American community -- skin color, hair texture, etc.). Ugh.

Less emphasis on having "stuff" and more emphasis on having experiences and maintaining relationships.

Communication. I will model better dispute resolution techniques and appropriate expressions of emotion, esp. negative emotions.

I will teach her not to sweat the small stuff, and how to tell small stuff from big stuff.

Boundaries. How to set them, how to respect those of others and how to defend her own respectfully.

I could go on and on, but in general, I'm trying to make sure that whatever issues I have don't become her issues.

[mamicka]

Shame. That's the biggie.

[niccig]

[quote=dcmom2b3;2388276

I could go on and on, but in general, I'm trying to make sure that whatever issues I have don't become her issues.[/quote]

This does sum it up for me. DH and I have agreed to minimize the impact of our issues on DS. A lot of my issues come from my parents relationship - dysfunctional on the good days - so I've resolved to deal with my ****e before it impacts on DS.

[Corie]

Really, I had an incredibly wonderful childhood. My parents taught me how to love and loved me unconditionally. There were rules to follow, but there was always room for fun. I want that for DD. If I could give her the kind of childhood that I had I would be proud and consider my parenting a success. That said, there's always room for improvement, right?


Yes, this describes my childhood too. I honestly have nothing negative
to say.

[Jenny_A]

Oh my goodness this thread is depressing :(!

[C99]

There are lots of things I swore that I would never do when I had kids. I think I've done about 2/3 of them by now. :laugh:

[crazydiamond]

My childhood had much good and much bad. I love my mom, and forgive her mistakes - as well my dad. I will try to avoid repeating their bad mistakes - but I am sure I will make plenty of my own...and my DD will be posting here about them ... in about 28 years when she has her own kids.


Life is what happens when you are making other plans.

[hellokitty]

My list is too long and scary...but the core thing I'll do differently is "show my girls what it's like being married to a loving wonderful partner/husband/father." Followed by "don't let any guy treat you badly."

Ditto that!!!! Same exact thing here. I don't want to post my list, b/c my childhood was pretty dysfunctional and it was due to my parents.

[elektra]

I want to praise DC for their effort instead the outcome. My mom always encouraged me to "play it safe" but I want DC to shoot for the stars, KWIM?

I want DC to actually know me, which requires me telling them how I feel about things and being vulnerable at times. Not something I have with my own mom.

Overall I had a very nice and loving childhood. But I basically want to be much more open with my own kids.