WWYD: 10 year old hurting himself

[frgsnlzrds]

UPDATE: I called the doctor today (DH has just agreed to disagree with me, but he will be the one to take DS in because DS would feel more comfortable.) He doesn't want to just refer us to a psychologist yet because DS shows remorse. We'll be going in to talk next week. Thank you all for all your help and support.

I know that not many people have 10 year olds on this board, but some do and I've gotten so much great advice I don't think it can hurt.

DS was upset yesterday that he couldn't play on the Wii while the little ones were sleeping so he went into the bathroom and used the nail clippers on his hands. All ten fingertips and his palms have angry, pink marks where he cut off strips of skin. He did not volunteer this info, I saw it myself.

I want to take him to the doctor and get a referral to a psychologist. DH says this was a one time thing and not to worry about it. He says I am making too big a deal out of this.

But he hurt himself to make himself feel better and I do not want to treat this lightly. He has had previous bouts of cutting his fingertips because he said he liked the way it felt, but he's never tied it to a bad feeling before. DH said he was just picking away at the dead skin because he's a boy and boys do gross things. This time it's much worse and I'm pretty freaked out. WWYD?

[deannanb]

if he has never done this before, I'd be calling the doctor for an appointment and a referral to a psychiatrist

[Tondi G]

yeah... if it were my child I would be calling my ped for a referral to a child psychologist. That is not a normal reaction to not getting to play a video game.

[ThreeofUs]

I'd get a referral., too. You're not making a big deal of nothing.

[KpbS]

Absolutely make the call. Get a recommendation for someone good, not just anyone. A professional who specializes in children. IMO it is worth driving to see someone who comes highly recommended w/ lots of diagnostic experience w/ children.

:hug:

[Globetrotter]

Yes, do go to a psychologist as this is something that should be treated. You are not making a big deal out of nothing..

[TwinFoxes]

This might be helpful.

http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/feeling_sad/cutting.html

I think your DS is especially young for this to start. I think cutting is much more common among teens than kids his age, and also more common among girls. I really think you should talk to a therapist.

[Corie]

I would definitely be making an appt. This needs to be addressed
immediately.

I completely agree with you!

[vludmilla]

I think it is essential that you see a child psychologist about this. I am a psychologist and I work with many adolescents who self-harm to varying degrees of severity. When adolescents start self-harming behavior as a coping mechanism, it can become an entrenched behavior that worsens over time. On the other hand, when adolescents who self-harm get help for it early, they can learn alternative ways to cope. Also, although I am internally alarmed by the self-harming I see, I try to never show that alarm to the kids. I may tell them that I am concerned for them, but I don't look shocked and aghast either, regardless of how severe the cuts, burns, or scratches are. I'm sure, however, that this would be more difficult for me if the child were my own.
In any case, I do think that this is a behavior that you can stop but your son needs a replacement behavior for this, he can't just be asked to stop it entirely without something else to take its place. A psychologist trained to work with children and adolescents should be able to help with this.
Good luck and big hugs (I don't know how to do the little hug icon ;) )

[JBaxter]

YES time to see someone NOW.

[Laurel]

I'd see a child psychiatrist who specializes in cutting behaviors. Don't let this go.

http://www.aacap.org/cs/root/child_and_adolescent_psychiatrist_finder/child_and_adolescent_psychiatrist_finder

ETA: info on self-injury http://www.aacap.org/page.ww?section=Facts%20for%20Families&name=Self-Injury%20In%20Adolescents

[lilycat88]

See someone. SI can be a slippery slope. It can become almost like an addiction. He needs to start learning alternative coping methods now! I know of two friends who started SI behaviors at 9 or 10 and progressed to full blown cutting/burning by the time they were teens. It gets harder to deal with as the behavior progresses and intensifies and no new coping methods are developed. It's hard to stop what works to make you feel better.

[billysmommy]

I would definitely make an appt to see someone as soon as possible. Self-harming isn't something to take lightly and the longer it goes on the harder it is to stop

[DrSally]

I would call and get a referral to a psychologist who specializes in chidren for an eval. Your local children's hospital may be a good place to start. You can tell DH that it is just an eval to see if you need to go further.

[pinkmomagain]

Well, I'll chime in with all the other good advice and say to try to find someone who SPECIALIZES in self-inflicted injury. I think you/he would be better off nipping it in the bud straight away.

My dd has gone through some bouts of hair-pulling (her own hair...out). This is different from cutting but similar in some respect. Very important to step in and try to address right away and offer other ways of coping with stress, anger, etc. Unfortunately many professionals do not fully understand/have experience with hairpulling and I'm assuming it's the same with cutting. Don't waste your time with professionals who have not had experience treating kids with this issue.

And don't let people tell you you are overracting by seeking help (even if the ped says that). I wouldn't make a big deal of it in front of your child, etc. but I wouldn't ignore it either, kwim? Somewhere in between. Good luck.

[nov04]

pp's are right, he really needs a referral. I'm not completely sure, but I think he does need to see a psychologist (as opposed to psychiatrist).

GL

[swrc00]

I would call the doctor. I had a student who suffered from anxiety and started doing a similar behavior. The student was nine.

[DietCokeLover]

I think it is essential that you see a child psychologist about this. I am a psychologist and I work with many adolescents who self-harm to varying degrees of severity. When adolescents start self-harming behavior as a coping mechanism, it can become an entrenched behavior that worsens over time. On the other hand, when adolescents who self-harm get help for it early, they can learn alternative ways to cope. Also, although I am internally alarmed by the self-harming I see, I try to never show that alarm to the kids. I may tell them that I am concerned for them, but I don't look shocked and aghast either, regardless of how severe the cuts, burns, or scratches are. I'm sure, however, that this would be more difficult for me if the child were my own.
In any case, I do think that this is a behavior that you can stop but your son needs a replacement behavior for this, he can't just be asked to stop it entirely without something else to take its place. A psychologist trained to work with children and adolescents should be able to help with this.
Good luck and big hugs (I don't know how to do the little hug icon ;) )

:yeahthat: I am a Child Therapist. I think you need to seek out someone who can work with your DC. I would look for a professional counselor or a psychologist who has a specialization in children. I don't think you need to look for a psychiatrist at this point -- they are trained more to look at the medication needs, not so much the emotional/ behavioral treatment of an issue - which is what I would suspect is needed for your child. If the therapist determines that you need further intervention (medicine) they can help you locate a good psychiatrist for that.

Some places you might want to look for recommendations are: the state licensing board for professional counselors or psychologists in your state; your church; your pediatrician; state department of mental health; or your school may have resources available.

Hoping you are able to find someone who can make a safe, trusting relationship with DC that can help him work out whatever is troubling him.

[vludmilla]

pp's are right, he really needs a referral. I'm not completely sure, but I think he does need to see a psychologist (as opposed to psychiatrist).

GL

I agree. Although some psychiatrists would be great for this, most are not doing therapy these days and are primarily doing psychopharmacological intervention. I don't think your son needs medicine for this behavior; he needs a good assessment and then some effective replacement strategies and coping methods.

[vludmilla]

Well, I'll chime in with all the other good advice and say to try to find someone who SPECIALIZES in self-inflicted injury. I think you/he would be better off nipping it in the bud straight away.



I think this is a good point. Any therapist you choose should at least be comfortable working with children who self-harm. A therapist with a cognitive-behavioral approach, versus a supportive talk-therapy style would also be a good idea, I think.

[frgsnlzrds]

Thank you everyone. DH is still not convinced. He thinks that making a big deal out of it will make him feel worse and says that DS is embarassed enough. I'll let him think it over tonight, but I'm going to make the appointment tomorrow.

It's also worth noting, that I let DH read your responses, and he said, "DH. I suppose that means me. What's it stand for? Dunder-Head?"

[lilycat88]

I'm sure your DS is embarrassed. Most people who SI ARE embarrassed by what they've done. Long sleeves and tales of viscious cat attacks are often the hallmark of someone who SIs because they certainly don't want anyone to know what they do. Bottom line is that he's figured out that hurting himself feels good. Even small injuries can cause an endorphin rush and make him feel good. There's a SI high just like there is a "runner's high". Many folks who self injure happen upon it accidently when they get injured accidently and figure out the "good" feelings that can come. Then the quest to "feel better" takes over. So, before, he's done it because it makes him feel good. Now, he's done it because he was angry and needed to feel "better". It's a slippery slope. If you're overreacting, great. You'll be the one embarrassed. You'll find that out and move on. If not, you could be intervening exactly when you need to be in order to prevent things from escalating. At this point, a few new methods to express anger and negative emotions and some new coping strategies could set him on the right path.

[DrSally]

Thank you everyone. DH is still not convinced. He thinks that making a big deal out of it will make him feel worse and says that DS is embarassed enough. I'll let him think it over tonight, but I'm going to make the appointment tomorrow.

It's also worth noting, that I let DH read your responses, and he said, "DH. I suppose that means me. What's it stand for? Dunder-Head?"

If DS is embarrassed, that says something. He knows it's not "normal"/appropriate behavior. Getting him help (behavioral and emotional) would be the best solution, rather than trying to shield him from the embarrassment. Also, talking to someone who's seen this behavior might help him feel less alone about it, so it really might not be extra "embarrassment" for him, KWIM (you do, I'm talking to DH here).

[Globetrotter]

I just sent you a PM with some resources.

[brittone2]

If DS is embarrassed, that says something. He knows it's not "normal"/appropriate behavior. Getting him help (behavioral and emotional) would be the best solution, rather than trying to shield him from the embarrassment. Also, talking to someone who's seen this behavior might help him feel less alone about it, so it really might not be extra "embarrassment" for him, KWIM (you do, I'm talking to DH here).

Yep. I'm not a psychologist by any stretch, but if he's feeling embarrassed, I would also venture to guess that he might be dealing w/ feelings of guilt, etc. surrounding that embarrassment, kwim?

I'd seek a psychologist appt ASAP before it becomes a more entrenched coping mechanism.

[frgsnlzrds]

I called the doctor today (DH has just agreed to disagree with me, but he will be the one to take DS in because DS would feel more comfortable.) He doesn't want to just refer us to a psychologist yet because DS shows remorse. We'll be going in to talk next week. Thank you all for all your help and support.

[malphy]

I just want to send hugs your way.

I'm sorry your son hurt himself. My fingers hurt just thinking about it.

[alexsmommy]

I'm a psychologist and I ditto all of the suggestions to at least have him meet with a child psychologist for a session or two. I wish some of my clients parents had been aware of the early signs. Maybe it's nothing, but what can talking to someone a few times hurt?
Also, yes, he would be embarrassed. The fact that you are clearly upset also means he's probably not going to tell you if the action made him feel better, release tension etc because he knows that it's not an acceptable coping mechanism. If it did make him "feel better" then he'll probably do it again, but this time he'll do it in a way that he can conceal from you. I have seen kids as young as him who weren't found out until doctors appts when little scars were found where underwear covered etc.

Please don't be scared, it may be an isolated incident, but this type of thing can escalate quickly and quietly. Better you and your son have an established relationship with someone if this turns into something than not.

[lilycat88]

:yeahthat:

Get to it while it's early. Showing remorse doesn't mean it's not a problem. Someone who SIs is often extremely remorseful. They recognize that what they do isn't a good thing and, if they are "discovered", are very remorseful for causing concern and pain to the person who knows. It's extremely difficult to develop different coping skills as it goes on and we get older.

[Globetrotter]

:yeahthat:
I would urge you to go to a psychologist sooner rather than later. If I were you, I would call the SI association and get referrals to someone who is trained to deal with this (most doctors, and even some psychologists, aren't very knowledgeable about these issues). The sooner you seek treatment, the better, before it escalates into something that is hard to stop. Just my two cents!