having more kids.....

[AnnieW625]

Just yesterday I was asked by DH's second cousin if we were going to have more kids. Granted she didn't know about the loss of the baby at 24 weeks; 2 mos. ago (I went ahead and filled her in though; I could've not said anything, but I thought she should hear it from me; they are part of a large Hispanic family and I never know who knows what), but come on, what about privacy? Why do people ask these questions? Yes DH and I plan on trying to conceive again around the end of the year or beginning of next, but come on.

My second thing is and I really hope not to offend, but I notice that a lot of people here post about the timing of getting pregnant with their subsequent children. I am a pretty low key person, but will admit that I did initially want my children no more than 4 years apart (based on DD's birthday of 4-2006), but now that's not going to be possible unless I get pregnant in July and that won't be happening because I will only be one true period past my D&E sugery (doc suggested waiting 2 full regular cycles). So does it make anyone else a tad bit mad when you read a post about someone who had their kids right when they wanted them? (I don't want to offend at all so please do not think I am pointing fingers at one poster. It's really just a bitch!:))

[elephantmeg]

I am so sorry that you had to deal with this. Just wanted to send hugs. I'm sorry for your loss

[niccig]

I'm sorry you relative asked you. You're right, it's a question that people should not ask...

[HIU8]

It doesn't make me mad to see other's who were able to time/plan their children when they wanted them. It actually makes me a bit sad--sad b/c I really wanted a third DC and DH absolutely refuses. And it's not like we can just get PG anyway. We went through what I felt was a lot to get DS and DD, and I know there would be added expense and financial strain to try again (took 2 tries for DS and 5 for DD with an RE and fertility meds and several procedures as we hit bumps in the road). Heck, I started out wanting 6 DC and I have 2 (got married later in life to an older DH with fertility issues--so I knew what I was getting into, but still....).

FWIW, I get the opposite--as in "you already have one of each. Don't ask for more."

[lorinick]

Sorry they made you feel bad. I get asked that question often and I'm not bothered by it at all. I really wasn't aware anyone really was. I'll likely think before I'll ask anyone that question. Some people can plan their children and others can't that is the way life works. It didn't work that way for me either. It took me two years to get my second child. But imo since I had to work so hard I relize what a true gift he really is. I know all children are gifts, but when you have to work so hard for a child it is that much sweeter. At least for me anyway.

Annie I wish you the best when you start to try again. No matter when it happen will be a great time. My boys are seven years apart. It was what I saw for us. But now I couldn't see it anyother way.

[egoldber]

I'm sorry. I had several losses while trying to get pregnant with my second and people would ask all.the.time "when are you going to have another????" It was very irritating but people really don't think about it. I never ask people when/if they are going to have any or another child. You never know what someone's personal story is.

And yes, at one time I definitely felt very angry when people were able to plan things and have it go their way so easily. This is a very common emotion for people who have had losses or difficulty conceiving. So you should not feel bad for having these emotions. Eventually you will work through it.

But I definitely cringe when I think about things *I* used to say when I only had Sarah (who I had no trouble conceiving and was my first pregnancy). I know that *I* simply had no clue about the prevalence of loss or infertility.

[Piglet]

But I definitely cringe when I think about things *I* used to say when I only had Sarah (who I had no trouble conceiving and was my first pregnancy). I know that *I* simply had no clue about the prevalence of loss or infertility.

:yeahthat: I think that a lot of parenting is about making claims that never materialize (like "I will be able to BF, no problem" or "I will never co-sleep"). There is a Jewish expression, "man plans, God laughs", which I remind myself of when all my plans go haywire. I don't see anything wrong with *striving* to have a certain spacing, but I also think we need to realize that our ideal may not even be an ideal. There are kids born 18 months apart that love eachother to pieces and there are kids born 18 months apart that drive eachother nuts. Ditto for 4 years apart. I agree with Beth though that I said plenty of stupid things along the way and I cringe at some of them, but then I realize that they were all said out of naivete, not out of malice.

[pb&j]

But I definitely cringe when I think about things *I* used to say when I only had Sarah (who I had no trouble conceiving and was my first pregnancy). I know that *I* simply had no clue about the prevalence of loss or infertility.
:yeahthat:

DS was my third pregnancy, after a loss at 24 weeks and an early m/c. I used to get very upset when I'd hear people talk about timing pregnancies and whatnot. Now I just kind of laugh, and think how naive they are to believe they have any say in the matter. Man plans, god laughs, indeed.

I'm very sorry for your loss. All the things you are thinking and feeling are normal, and I'm sorry that the remarks of others renew your pain.

[niccig]

There is a Jewish expression, "man plans, God laughs", which I remind myself of when all my plans go haywire.
.

I like this expression. I will definitely remember it when my plans go awry. It'll help me to not get so worked up....Thanks.

[infocrazy]

I so understand...

[ladysoapmaker]

I'm sorry you've had to deal with that question at this point so close to the loss of your child. I understand not understanding people sometimes. My DH and I both came into our relationship with a child each from our previous relationships, we've since had 2 more. And we are getting the "so are you going to have any more?" question also. (and our youngest isn't even one yet.) It irritates me. Half the people asking are trying to make a joke about it because you know we have such a large family it shouldn't be a burden to add a few more. The others asking do it in an accusatory fashion like we shouldn't have been allowed as many as we currently have.

[Snow mom]

I think this is a common "conversation" question that people don't think through. I never realized how hurtful this question could be until I started hanging around this board. I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sure she didn't mean you any harm when she asked.

[MamaMolly]

Like others it doesn't make me mad but sad and a little jealous when people can plan their pregnancies like that. What *does* grate on my nerves is when people ask if DD is our first, then if she is our only, then if we are planning to have more. I meet SO MANY people who think nothing of asking this of a perfect stranger. It is so, so rude. But I know that people are generally kind hearted, and the conversation usually starts with compliments about how cute DD is, but still. It crosses the line for me.

I really need to start my own BP thread on this so I can ask for witty comebacks! :)

ETA: I agree with Lisa (snow mom) who said that it is a conversation question that people don't think through, and to me it is like asking a child about their grades in school. It is a dumb thing that really isn't interesting or even often any of the asker's business.

[maestramommy]

I'm sure I asked this question many times when I was single! And I got this question a lot by single or childless couples. It never really bothered me, but then, even though our spacing wasn't planned we didn't exactly have any trouble either.

I've only been on both sides of this question with very good friends though. It's not exactly a conversation starter I have with strangers!

[kijip]

Hugs. What you are feeling is very normal and it is really insensitive of people to ask these sorts of questions when they don't know what is going on.

I don't get mad/jealous/sad when I hear people planning the exact season of their baby or the exact child spacing or whatnot anymore. I do get a feeling of "good luck with that now". I think infertility wises you up to the fact that we don't control everything. I have friends that sorta made a deal about waiting to have a baby until everything was "perfect"- with their jobs, with housing etc. While I thought that was fine, I felt a little sensitive since we had a surprise baby that was not perfect timing but worked out very well. Now everything is "in order" and they are sadly experiencing trouble conceiving and the market for his job (in the best of times a marginally paid, highly competitive field) has been blown away with the progressing demise of newspapers. Having been in that SIF place after no primary infertility issues, I know I thought I had way more control than I did over season/spacing etc. My kids are 5 and 1/2 years apart, to the day. I did not plan it that way, it just is that way. So I get irked when people say things like "oh, your kids will never be close" etc because it's not like I had any say in the matter.

[gatorsmom]

My cousin has 6 children- people ask her if she's going to have more. I have 4- i get asked the same thing. Everytime I had a child I would get asked that question. I don't think it matters how many kids anyone has someone will ALWAYS be asking that question. And I agree, it is annoying.

Oh, and I agree with everyone who has said they cringe when they think of the things they've said in the past. If I had a dollar for everytime my words come back to haunt me and prove me wrong, I'd be rich. Let's see: "my kids will never behave like that in public," "I'll never let my children watch that much TV," "my kids will always eat nutritious meals," and on and on. It's embarassing.

To the OP, I'm so sorry you are going through this.

[Ceepa]

Chalk me up as someone who used to ask those questions when I was single. Ugh. Life experience has luckily given me much more tact.

[AnnieW625]

Just wanted to say thanks for all of the replies.

[justincase]

It was very irritating but people really don't think about it. I never ask people when/if they are going to have any or another child. You never know what someone's personal story is.
:yeahthat: I do find it frustrating but I try to remember that people are just being careless, not malicious. Not that that makes it okay, but... and they *think* they are being nice, taking an interest.
I'm sorry you got asked this!

[newg]

We started with a "plan" as well..and it went right out the door! I never had to experience a loss, but I cherish DD and appreciate how much work we went through for her! SIL and BIL got pregnant on their second try....I don't think they realize how lucky they are, and I hope they don't have to know......
Not too many people know what we had to do to get DD, but I like it that way.......and we get the questions too about having more kids...I just nod and say we will...they know nothing of the months of preparing I have to do as a diabetic to get my body ready...the fertility issues and diabetic issues I deal with while prego......but I don't want them to know either....

I'm sorry for your loss and I hope things go better for you in the future!

[lizajane]

i am so sorry. how very frustrating. and i am so sorry for your loss, as well.

people just don't know. honestly, it doesn't matter what your situation is, someone is going to say something stupid. i am one of those people (ducking head...) who planned both kids. technically, i got pg with dylan one month before i planned, but same thing, really. i did plan the season and i did plan to have them that close together. i try to be sensitive and i am definitely grateful. but people STILL have something to say me- to me, they say, 22 months apart? did you plan that? why would you do that! are you crazy??? WOW, that is going to be scary!- you name it, someone had something to say about mine being close. even my BFF said that as soon as we told her and her DH that we were having #2, they BOTH got into the car after we left and said, "holy carp! do you think they PLANNED that?"

and i kind wanted a 3rd, but i was so tired and felt so awful for so long (turns out, i have celiac disease) that DH could not even FATHOM having another. and we have an ADHD kid who can be very frustrating, exhausting and EXPENSIVE! so DH didn't want to add anything else to THAT situation. so now my youngest is 4.5 years, DH has a vasectomy and we are all FINALLY started to get well. poo.

[jent]

I really need to start my own BP thread on this so I can ask for witty comebacks! :)


I've been meaning to do the same. I get asked the "when are you having more?" question repeatedly at work and it drives me crazy. In my case, it's b/c DH and I can't agree on having more, but I just don't feel that it's appropriate for my coworkers to know that. For all they know, we might have had problems conceiving, or an early m/c, etc. Most of them have kids, so being inexperienced is not an excuse. In my coworkers' case, I think it's more that many of them would think nothing of sharing every detail of their lives-- infertility, miscarriages, etc, so it just doesn't occur to them that someone might want to keep that personal.