I am being petty

[kijip]

I know I am being petty, but I don't feel inclined to change it. So this bitching thread is about me!

By way of very brief background, I am estranged from my older brother and his family. They threatened us, committed identity theft against us and were just generally royal PITAs to us about 2 years ago, we all (my husband, my other brother and his husband, my father) ended up securing restraining orders against my brother and his wife.

Due to the nature of my mom's illness and that they have 3 of her 7 grandkids, I specifically told them that I would not enforce the restraining order for the purposes of them visiting mom and of course, coming to her funeral. They were amicable enough during the last three weeks and have continued to be so, though it's never really going to be hunky dory with us again, IYKWIM.

They are moving out of transitional housing and into a permanent section 8 voucher place. The transitional housing was furnished and they could not acquire any furniture. So they are moving without things, but there are churches if I understand it to help them.

My brother wants all of my mom's furniture and stuff, none of which is of particular sentimental value or monetary value. Most of it was stuff my other brother and I bought for her over the years- a queen bedroom suite, a living room set in decent condition, a desk and nice computer, 2 tvs, a small dining set and a lot of bookcases. I decide who can take what because mom designated me as her executor for a very brief will.

It is totally irrational, I just don't want him to have it. Any of it. In part because they treat their stuff like garbage and it will all be garbage soon enough if they take it. In part because they were horrible to us. In part because they bothered to see mom all of twice, despite her repeated gestures, in 2 years until I called them and said "this is it folks"; and in part because we bought most of it and I don't feel like helping him. Also, they don't bother with her for 2 years and now they want to raid her apartment. Nice.

OTH, he is her son, he is parenting her grandchildren and he needs the stuff. And it's not desired by anyone else. I am planning on giving her TV and computer to her home health aide (who has neither item and was great to mom and something mom specifically asked me to make sure she got) but the rest would all otherwise go to charity. There really is no reason it can't go to him. See, I KNOW I am being a petty person over this.

I just don't feel like being a big and nice person. I feel like telling him to fend for himself, with a few expletives tossed in for good measure (though I WON'T do that and detract from mom's funeral).

ETA: I don't have any issues giving them pictures and other sentimental things because she is part of them and it would be cruel to say "NO you can't have the Christmas tree ornaments with your name on them!".

I sorta feel like it is cruel to deny them her furniture, I sorta feel like it is totally ok to say do it on your own under the circumstances. If we were estranged, but they still visited her regularly over the last two years I would feel differently.

I also think I am making this a problem in my head to distract me from the real problem- that I can't drive over and see my mother.

So I suppose my defense is that I am not without self-awareness about it. :P

[ChunkyNicksChunkyMom]

Katie, what would your mom have wanted you to do? Sorry for this problem on top of your current pain!

[MontrealMum]

Well, this is probably not the *nice* thing to say, but my advice would be...if you don't want to give it to him - don't. You are not obligated. You're going through a horrible period right now and I think you need to do what you have to, to get through it. I don't have any personal experience with this as I still have both parents, but my BFF has just lost her father (last week) and I am watching this firsthand. If it makes you and your younger brother feel better to know that it's not going to older brother, but to someone else - do it. You need to watch out for your little family unit, and I know this has not been the easiest year for you even w/o your mother's passing. :hug: If you do decide to gift older brother with furniture, fine, but if you don't - don't beat yourself up about it.

FWIW, when my parents have had to deal with this (with much older people, obviously) it's usually a monetary settlement from the estate. Would you feel better having things assessed and selling them, and then giving older brother his "share"? Even if it's just the assessment that the SallyAnn gives for tax purposes if you donate there? A token check (and I don't mean a big one) might remove some of the emotional attachment.

[randomkid]

I'll ask the question that has already been asked. What would your Mom want you to do? If no one else wants the furniture, and you think your Mom would want them to have it, then try to look beyond your own feelings and honor what you think your Mom would have wanted.

We had a similar situation when my FIL passed away back in Feb. His Mother, DH's Grandmother, is 100 years old and had had a stroke. She was in a nursing home and obviously not going to be able to move back to her apt. So, 2 days before my FIL's surgery, DH, FIL and FIL's deceased wife's (I'll call her L) family all went to Grandma's apt to clean it out. L's DIL (we'll call her S), new to the family, seemed so helpful, but wanted a lot of Grandma's stuff. FIL and DH didn't want it and FIL wanted her to take it. He was so trusting and was always helping people out. So, DH agreed. Two days later, FIL died in surgery. S comes to the house and is upstairs going through L's stuff now - she died 3 years ago. DH tells L's daughter that S is up there - she goes up to stop S from going through stuff. I know this is confusing, but bear with me. L's daughter goes to S's house and sees all of Grandma's stuff laying out being priced for a garage sale! I'm furious, but DH says "Dad wanted her to have it, so let it be". To top it off, S shows up at FILs memorial service wearing a coat and gloves that belonged to L (remember, FIL's deceased wife). L's daughter recognizes the clothes that belonged to her Mother who died 3 years ago. There is also a lot of history in that family with the brother (S's husband) being a problem and just down right good for nothing.

Some people have no clue, no tact and only care about themselves. DH was able to look beyond all of this and not care. The most important thing was that his Dad was gone and all those things were just things. It doesn't really matter in the end. Do what your Mom would tell you to do.

[sadie427]

From someone whose mother does not speak to either of his siblings, over somewhat similar issues when relatives died thus I did not see my cousin for twenty years . . .I like to think I would give them the furniture. I would definitely give the home health aide the TV and computer, that was really nice of your mom to think of her; it will probably upset your brother enough that he won't get those.

[DebbieJ]

If I were in your shoes, I would feel the same way.


(((HUGS)))

[kijip]

Obviously, this is a trivial matter. So I am thinking I will give him the things he wants that my other brother did not purchase. My other brother has expressed that he would be seriously bothered by the things he and his partner purchased going to them (this includes the bedroom set, the desk and a few other things). So I am going to respect that for what it is and give them the dining set, the living room stuff and any general kitchen objects and shelf stable foods he needs/wants. I'll give the desk with the computer so it has a place to live at the nice home aide's house and give her the TV stand and desk chair to go with. Frankly, him taking a lot of it in a way in one swoop makes it easier for me because then I don't have to transport it to charity or list it on CL (free or low cost).

Mom was very upset by his actions and inattention to her and not seeing her grandkids and if he was alone I am quite certain she would scoff at giving him her belongings. But as it always does with them, it boils down to why make the kids suffer for their parent's actions? Seriously though, we are still estranged. I don't plan on seeing them after the funeral. We got the protection order for very good reasons and I feel like if they weren't looking to get something now, they would be a threat to us again. As it is, he tried to strong arm me into changing the burial plans and to getting rid of the restraining order. Did not work, but he tried.

[kransden]

Do what you want, I know how it feels. I won't think any less of you. Just remember for the rest of your life, any dealings you have with your brother; he will throw it in your face. It will be the crazy grudge he holds and constantly tells his kids about. It will never die. Every family event it will come up. (Trust me somehow you'll be trapped seeing him again in spite of the restraining order.) Some how the lack of furniture will morph into the major stumbling block in his life. "We didn't have a proper bed because that @##$ wouldn't give us mom's. I overslept becaue of the crappy one we got from the church and lost my job."

I am sorry about your mom. :hug:

[kijip]

Just remember for the rest of your life, any dealings you have with your brother; he will throw it in your face. It will be the crazy grudge he holds and constantly tells his kids about. It will never die. Every family event it will come up. (Trust me somehow you'll be trapped seeing him again in spite of the restraining order.)


Actually, we have not seen him in 2 years (come September, and that was in court) and there is no link after my mom dies. We do not have the same dad. I suppose the cousins could get curious about each other as young adults. But honestly, I think they are pretty much gone from our lives. If it was generic family spats, I would see seeing them again. But they threatened our lives and my child. They tried to act on homophobic threats against my other brother's family. I think if reconciliation was vaguely possible it would have already happened. But it is not, because the mama bear instinct beats out the auntie and sister side of me, obviously.


Some how the lack of furniture will morph into the major stumbling block in his life. "We didn't have a proper bed because that @##$ wouldn't give us mom's. I overslept becaue of the crappy one we got from the church and lost my job."

Too true. :ROTFLMAO:

[MamaMolly]

Hugs, Katie. This sucks. Friggin' vultures, you know? I think your solution to give *some* but not the things that would upset your other brother is practical and wise.

My stepfather was much older than my mom, and she was his 3rd wife. Both his other wives had passed away, the second had adult children of her own (Stepfather wasn't the dad). Even before my Stepfather passed away the children of his second wife were ugly about wanting 1/4 of his estate. Which is insane because they are legally entitled to zip. It was one of those petty, greedy things.

So when my stepfather did pass away, my mother purposely left them out of the obituary. It was a crappy, petty thing to do and frankly I was both surprised and disappointed with her (I only found this out recently, it has been over a year). Yes, they were jerks. But she behaved just as badly. Don't go there. Don't let them push you down to their level.

I'd give the other items away first then pass the rest along. Save yourself some drama. Good luck, and I'm really, truly sorry you are having to do this.

[kijip]

So when my stepfather did pass away, my mother purposely left them out of the obituary.

I did put them in the obituary, LOL.

We will give out everything else first before I arrange to have them come and take what they need. Unfortunately, he knows what is in her house and will be peeved about not getting some things (like the bed) but that's just the way it is. I have made it abundantly clear that he can fight all he wants, I am not participating. At least not outside my petty head.

[gatorsmom]

Katie, I'm soo sorry you are having to deal with this. I was thinking a couple of things.

First, as Susan said, what would your mom want?

Second, clearly your older brother is screwed up. As a friend once said, "Some people just have a harder time living their lives than other people." She meant it's just harder for them to get along. I think your brother would be a good example of this. He will never get his act together. He will never learn to be less rude, more considerate. He wouldn't learn a lesson from not getting the furniture. His kids don't need to be taught a lesson (they've probably seen enough already). The kids suffer too if you decide not to give them the furniture.

Third, as executor, you have to try to be fair. Your moms things should be divided up amongst you and your siblings. You have to be careful not to use your position to satisfy your emotions. That's not the purpose of this power.

My vote is to give him the furniture. He doesn't deserve it but he needs it. His kids need it. You are a kind person, and one day you will regret not helping him. BUT- BE THERE IN THE HOUSE WHEN HE IS MOVING IT OUT!!! Or other things might disappear too......

:hug:

[ellies mom]

Katie, I am sorry you are dealing with this.

You've got two brothers. One wants "everything" so to speak and one wants the stuff he gave your Mom. It seems pretty easy to me. Give your older brother the stuff your younger brother doesn't want and consider it divied up. If your older brother doesn't like it, too bad.

[kijip]

You've got two brothers. One wants "everything" so to speak and one wants the stuff he gave your Mom. It seems pretty easy to me. Give your older brother the stuff your younger brother doesn't want and consider it divied up. If your older brother doesn't like it, too bad.

Oh, my little brother does not want the stuff he gave mom back, he just does not want it going to older brother. I get that, feeling the same way myself. So that stuff will just go to something/someone else. While my husband and I did give her most of the stuff he will be getting, I have decided to just try and not think about where the stuff originated, we don't need it back, there is no reason to withhold it from him. All my little brother and I want are pictures and a few trinkets, like her rosary and her house plants and her quilts.

[ellies mom]

I know your younger brother doesn't actually want the stuff but he should at least be able to make claim to some of it even it is for "petty" reasons. With all the drama around my grandfather's death ten years back, I understand petty. Heck, I was wallowing in it just a few months ago.

I do want to mention that I am sorry that the problems with your older brother affects your relationship with your nephew. I know that you worry about him.

[kijip]

I do want to mention that I am sorry that the problems with your older brother affects your relationship with your nephew. I know that you worry about him.

Thank you. He is 14 now, can you believe it!? I figure at some point he will be in a place we can reach out to him again. I put up with my brother for far too long because of my nephews and niece, but obviously the safety of my own children comes ahead of maintaining a bond with his children. I wish it was different, that is for sure. His kids deserve so much more/better than they get.

[malphy]

I am sorry you have to deal with this and i totally understand coming froma similar situation.

i say give him all of the stuff, except what you specifically want to give to someone else. It is what your mom wanted and it is good karma. It seems as if he is making some improvements in his life so why not help him along with this. considering you would be donating it to charity.

Maybe sometime the road fences will be mended and you will be glad you gave him these simple things. If not for him then for the children and your mom.

If you would have told me that I would reconnect w/1 of my siblings after an awful several years I wouldn't believe you but that is what happened. My sis straightened out and I got my sister back.

i wish you and your family all the best and am truly sorry about your Mom.

[KpbS]

I agree w/ a pp who said make sure you get all of the things that you want (small though they may be) before letting him/them come over. It is less likely to get ugly that way.

:hug:

[KBecks]

This is the WORST part of dealing with a death of a parent, dealing with all the STUFF and the petty things that come along with it. It really hurts. It really causes conflict and competition between siblings, and I think there is no avoiding it.

In the end, this is all just stuff. I think the question of what would your mom want is the most relevant one...... but if the answer is also, would your mom want to deliberately withhold things from this son as a form of punishment or disapproval? If you would donate them to charity, then why not give them to this family?

These situations are so tough and I feel for you for being stuck in it.

Personally, I feel that being generous at this time is what is ultimately the best..... but you have to make sure you and your younger brother are not sacrificing your needs or your feelings.... there's probably something that is reasonable that will work, it will probably not totally satisfy anyone, but it will do well enough.

One of my brothers has the family reputation of being the financial slacker, and my mom decided after my dad died that she wanted to give my dad's SUV that was kind of his special retirement vehicle to this one brother. Well, the oldest was NOT OK with handing over a $$$ vehicle. It was tough. My mom was at the beginning of Alzheimers. In the end, honestly I feel it was legally her property to give freely. What ultimately happened is that my oldest brother made the other brother make payments to my mom, and I'm not sure if the payments ever happened or not. Anyway, long story..... now it's 10 years later.... (wow) and the strife seems to have died down and the family is close again, but it was freaking hairy. Not to mention that my oldest brother gossipped to me that my other brother and his wife were talking about who gets what the day after my mom died, and my oldest brother also told me that my other brother says bad things about me, without going into detail --- it really, really, really sucked to see these two siblings get into kind of a power struggle over ..... money and stuff and the power of who would be in charge of things.

Anyway, that was a lot of unnecessary talk, but know that this kind of thing is common and uncomfortable and a royal PITA. But you will get through it. Be reasonable, don't get manipulated, be kind to all your family and then you can be peaceful in the long term and feel good about whatever it is you do.

I'm so sorry for your loss and having to deal with this junk.

Take care,

[KBecks]

Well, this is probably not the *nice* thing to say, but my advice would be...if you don't want to give it to him - don't. You are not obligated. You're going through a horrible period right now and I think you need to do what you have to, to get through it. I don't have any personal experience with this as I still have both parents, but my BFF has just lost her father (last week) and I am watching this firsthand. If it makes you and your younger brother feel better to know that it's not going to older brother, but to someone else - do it. You need to watch out for your little family unit, and I know this has not been the easiest year for you even w/o your mother's passing. :hug: If you do decide to gift older brother with furniture, fine, but if you don't - don't beat yourself up about it.

FWIW, when my parents have had to deal with this (with much older people, obviously) it's usually a monetary settlement from the estate. Would you feel better having things assessed and selling them, and then giving older brother his "share"? Even if it's just the assessment that the SallyAnn gives for tax purposes if you donate there? A token check (and I don't mean a big one) might remove some of the emotional attachment.


Honestly, one of the ways to split an estate that is quite fair (but can also be emotionally tough) is to sell everything, usually via an auction, and then split the cash of the sale. If you want something that is sentimental but valuable, then you go to the auction and buy it.

This is what DH's grandparents did when they moved from their farm. The various kids and grandkids purchased things they wanted to keep (and tried not to bid against family). DH's mom and dad want an auction too. They don't seem to believe in wills (doh!).... which probably means that it's going to be hairy. I mean, hairy is normal...... it's an emotional and very difficult time for everyone and all the old issues and conflicts are remembered and struggled with.

[KBecks]

Now would be a great time (well not right now, but after things are a little more settled), to check with your Dad about his will and his wishes. You have said that your oldest brother has a different biological father, but is your Dad's will specific? Does your Dad want your oldest brother excluded? It may not be so clear gut as the genetics.... and your oldest brother may come to stake a claim in your Dad's estate.

Good to know ahead of time and get it all mapped out, however your Dad wants, and let everyone know where it stands in advance than have to deal with surprises or confusion later when you are also grieving.

[sste]

Sorry did not have time to read all the responses.

If you are feeling truly pissed, I would sell some of the furniture. I would then use the money to buy child furniture for the kids bedrooms including desks/work tables. Maybe ikea bunk beds or loft beds with desk underneath. Perhaps giving them a living room sofa is a concession.

I have noticed that the most deadbeat, underearning relative is the one that tends to turn into some sort of frenzied Trump when it comes to getting free stuff from the dead. You wonder what might have happened if that energy was ever directed at working for money rather than grave robbing!

[kmak]

I didn't read all of the posts so someone else may have suggested this. Try writing a letter or email that says all of the things you want to say to your brother. Don't send it of course, but I've found that doing a letter allows me to get out all of the hurt and petty feelings. Then you are better equiped to deal with what really needs to be done in the most appropriate manner. Hey! This is exactly what the B!thching post is for!

[frgsnlzrds]

I'm not judging you. I think everyone has the right to be petty now and then, but I'm going through my own sister pettiness issues right now so that might sway my opinion a little. I think it would bother me the most (if I were in your situation) that your brother would be profiting on such an awful event. Do what you need to do to make yourself happy. I'm sorry you are in this position in the first place.

[lizajane]

it seems to be that the EASIEST thing for you to do to make all this go away is give younger brother the chance to sell everything that he purchased, empty out everything you and younger brother want and then older brother haul off the rest. younger brother can keep the money for himself or set up an account for older brothers KIDS only if he isn't comfortable just using it.

i definitely understand why you don't want him to have it. but i also think it isn't going to help you in any way to keep it from him. i think you would be most satisfied in the long run if you just got rid of the "stuff" and all that goes with it- older brother and his family. at least you will know you did what you could for his kids and he can't come bother you for what you did not give him.

i am so sorry you are going through all this. estates are so tough, even without drama.

[mamicka]

I think you need to be gentle & patient with yourself while you mull it over. You obviously know what is the right thing to do... give yourself time to work through your feelings about it & then do the right thing.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

[kijip]

Now would be a great time (well not right now, but after things are a little more settled), to check with your Dad about his will and his wishes. You have said that your oldest brother has a different biological father, but is your Dad's will specific? Does your Dad want your oldest brother excluded? It may not be so clear gut as the genetics.... and your oldest brother may come to stake a claim in your Dad's estate.


My parents are both of very modest means. There is nothing of monetary value to worry about. Any bit of savings my father has, I have encouraged him to spend up on fishing trips. All money my mom had transfered to me automatically on her death because I was on her accounts, the same for my dad and both are far under the probate limits. My mom's money is going towards her memorial, but beyond that my husband and I are paying for everything.

My brother has no legal or emotional claim to anything to do with my dad. My dad did his level best to parent him but it never took. My brother's biological father is entirely unknown to anyone, including my mother.

I can not stress enough that this is not a situation that will see us all back together as a family at any point. It's not caused by the death, it is a long standing issue.

[kijip]

Maybe sometime the road fences will be mended and you will be glad you gave him these simple things. If not for him then for the children and your mom.

If you would have told me that I would reconnect w/1 of my siblings after an awful several years I wouldn't believe you but that is what happened. My sis straightened out and I got my sister back.



I really wish! I would love to have his kids in my life. But I have reached a point where I just don't want to fuss with people BUT simultaneously won't allow myself to be emotionally or financially drained to have someone in my life. My brother's actions threatened us not only financially but our safety. He is unstable. I honestly have come to believe that many of his behaviors must be a function of the other half of his genes. I wish we were close, I wish his kids were here a lot etc. But opening myself up to him means opening myself up to not only stolen property but exposure to drugs and the possibility of violence. Not happening around my kids. We saw him 3 times at hospice, I will see him at the funeral and I will see him when he comes to get stuff. But my husband and I both agree that letting them back into our lives is a foolish move we would come to regret. He is even like this when not on substances. He has all of my mother's smarts but none of her kindness. Even she knew it and spoke to me in her last weeks about how much she regretted how things turned out with him. I always believed in nurture over nature, but have come to see there is a huge genetic component to personality.

[AnnieW625]

I would put him on a payment plan, and then put the money in an account/trust/cd for his kids so the parents can't get at (not even sure if it's possible). It insures that he's worked for the stuff and that his kids might have a little something in the future. Good luck and lots of hugs.

[HannaAddict]

I understand how hard it is, you are entitled to your feelings. But, ultimately, what does the will say? Does it say to divide everything equally? Did she leave any written personal property list? Or does it just say you get everything and the brothers are on their own? As the personal representative, you were chosen as the responsible, fair person you are, :) and are bound to do what the will says. Or did she die without a will and just have you as joint with right of survivorship on all her accounts?

I have been in a similar place, not as toxic, but left to do the heavy lifting when a parent died, including paying for things we really couldn't afford at the time. Again, not the toxic part, just a younger sibling who couldn't deal and couldn't help and made some mischief (more stupidity and being a 17 year old boy). I was fair, even when it didn't feel fair (since I did all the work and caretaking!) and I'm glad I did.

Take the high road, let your younger brother have what he wants, take what you want, and if the rest is going to Goodwill or other charity, let the older brother take what he needs. I know he doesn't deserve it, but really it is just junk at that point for you and not worth the fight. And you will always know you were the better person and be able to feel good about it. Maybe someday things will be different (not likely I know) or at least you won't have anything to explain to your nephew if you can reconcile when he is away from his toxic parents.

Good luck and I feel for you!!

[kijip]

I understand how hard it is, you are entitled to your feelings. But, ultimately, what does the will say? Does it say to divide everything equally? Did she leave any written personal property list? Or does it just say you get everything and the brothers are on their own? As the personal representative, you were chosen as the responsible, fair person you are, :) and are bound to do what the will says. Or did she die without a will and just have you as joint with right of survivorship on all her accounts?


Her will designates me to dispose of her personal effects, she knew I would be fair. She listed only of couple of items in the will and talked to me about a few more (like the TV). Technically, neither brother "gets" anything. The money thing is separate, she just shared her accounts with me. If it was something of value, I would split it between accounts for all 7 grandkids but it is a nominal amount that will go towards a part of her memorial costs. We have been planning on the expense for a long time and have money of our own set aside for it. My little brother and his partner have expressed a desire to pay for something, but they don't have the means we do and we are a-ok with that. We paid for her gravesite 2 years ago for example.

We did a lot of work there tonight, taking her casual clothes to a clothing bank for homeless people and her nicer clothes to Dress for Success. We sorted through all her drawers and found some really touching things we never knew she had, like a box of newspaper clippings of every time my little brother and I were in the paper. And a drawer full of photos she took when she was in art school briefly. And a box full of handmade jewelry...they were all birthday and anniversary gifts from my dad it this particular style she liked, very bright colors. We carefully split those up for her granddaughters (including my brother's daughter) and I took 2 necklaces- one mother's necklace and one choker with flowers and butterflies. We decided to give the crosses to our nephews because there was so much for the girls, but nothing for boys. We set up a bin and put anything we figured older brother would have an interest there like family pictures, cds, anything she saved from his childhood, 1 of the afghans she made etc. Once everything is cleaned out and gone, he can come for that and the living room set and dining room set and the food and kitchen supplies we boxed up for him. We are considering holding onto the jewelry and giving it when the kids are a little older. I don't think she realized how much jewelry she had, I guess she decided to stop wearing it when she separated from my dad. As I say each thing I was like "oh, yeah I remember dad splurging for that set in blah year". We also let my dad take anything he wanted, mostly books and a tray table. For a 1 bedroom apartment, sparse at that, there was a lot to go through. Her aide is getting the computer tomorrow. She is so sad about mom's passing but she is relieved to get a computer for school (and it's a nice one with an lcd). She is a newer immigrant and is in nursing school now. She declined the tv because she apparently was given one by a neighbor. My husband aptly pointed out that it was good we did this first because frankly the most valuable things to my older brother in the house are illegal (for people that are not mom anyways) many huge script supplies of narcotics for cancer pain relief my mother barely dipped into. (We have dozens of prescriptions to dispose of). I know that is a negative thought, but given my brother it is too true.

All in all it was a good experience and we were glad to do it in peace and quiet. We were very considerate of looking for things for his kids and making sure his kids get no less in the way of keepsakes than our kids.

[kijip]

I would put him on a payment plan, and then put the money in an account/trust/cd for his kids so the parents can't get at (not even sure if it's possible). It insures that he's worked for the stuff and that his kids might have a little something in the future. Good luck and lots of hugs.

We have accounts for his kids that we put present $ into and a little here and there on top of it. But it is joint with us, not the parents. I am not going to try to get him to pay for anything. But everything else people are taking that is not sentimental, we are having them make a donation to the scholarship fund we established in her name.

[kijip]

I love that I can always count on you ladies for reasonable and rational advice.

[mommylamb]

Just wanted to add my "I'm so sorry" to the rest. I don't think you're being petty at all. I would probably feel the same way. I think the suggestions to sell everything and split the proceeds makes sense. Though, in the end, I probably would be too lazy to do that and would just give it to him and gnash my teeth about it silently. Try to think about it as giving the things to his children and not to him. They are lucky to have gotten the Sec. 8 voucher. Those are hard to come by.