Is 6yo old enough to go to Grandma's funeral?

[kijip]

There are 4 things planned for this weekend- a prayer service, the funeral service, a wake/gathering post funeral and the interment of her cremated remains at the cemetery. I am trying to decide which of these T should go to (all, some).

Baby F will stay with me for it all because of the feeding issue and he couldn't discern the difference between a funeral and the rest of his everyday life.

I was thinking that T is old enough to come to the funeral but now I am not so sure. He will be 6 at the end of the month. We will have some hands on deck to take any of the grandkids out of the church if needed.

T was very close to my mom and saw her nearly everyday for most of his life. He knows what caused her death and has asked a number of questions.

He is used to going to church so that is not the issue. I am just not sure if being at the funeral will help him or cause him more grief than he is already experiencing.

When he was 3 and 1/2 and his paternal grandfather died, we took him to the gathering after the funeral (a catered private room at a restaurant) but did not take him to the services at the cemetery chapel or graveside. But he is older now and also, his connection with his grandma was about 1,000,000 times stronger than his paternal grandfather who he met twice and only remembers his house, not him.

Thoughts? What would you do?

[HIU8]

When my SIL passed away DS was 9 months so he went to the condolence meal, but not the funeral (my own father was nice enough to travel with us to take care of DS during the funeral and to help drive b/c DH was very distraught and I could not do the entire drive myself). When FIL passed away DS did not come to the funeral again, but went to the condolence meal (DS was 2). At 2 1/2, we did take DS to the cemetary for the unveiling of the gravestone. I think, for a very very close relative, like a grandparent, I would now take DS to the cemetary and funeral (he is 4 1/2).

[egoldber]

I would include him in at least some of the services. I'm not really sure what a prayer service is. If the funeral is not too long, I would include him in that or at least part of it, if it is a long service. I would definitely include him in the wake. I can see reasons to and not to include him at the interment.


I am just not sure if being at the funeral will help him or cause him more grief than he is already experiencing.

Personally, I think that being with other people who are grieving is very validating and helpful for processing. I think it's the whole reason we have funerals. I don't think being at the funeral will cause him any more or less grief, but not having him there could feel exclusionary to him. Especially a child as bright and sensitive as he is.

[lizajane]

i don't know about all 6 year olds, but i think toby should go. i think the experience will teach him something about life, death and the celebration of living.

[infomama]

Yes, I would let him go. We lost Dh's grandpa last year and Dd (who was 4 1/2 at the time) went with no issues. She was not nearly as close (due to geography) to Dh's grandpa as your Ds was to your mom. I feel that it is really important to give them the opportunity to say goodbye.

[Twoboos]

I struggled over this w/DDs when my mom died. DDs were 3 and a few days from 5.

Everyone I talked to said do not bring them to the wake/funeral. The only exception was the people who worked at the funeral home, who said bring them for all of it. (Oh, and I think a lot of people here on BBB, since I think I posted about the dilemma! :wink2:)

In the end, it came down to - who would watch them, be with them while my whole fam was trying to keep it together. Did I really want to be the head of the wake line, greeting people and watching them with one eye (Dh can be kind of spacey sometimes and isn't able to multitask in terms of talking to someone and watching the kids). I could not manage. So they stayed w/MIL for the wake/funeral and came to the reception after.

It was the right decision for us. I just knew they would be all over the place, all over everyone and into everything.

Sorry, no idea if this helped or not. GL with getting through the next few days.

[JBaxter]

My father passed away last year in march Nathan was 4. I took him to the funeral but not the viewing. He did fine and I think he understood.

[lilycat88]

My dad died in March. Susanna will be five later this month. She was extremely close to her grandfather and was in the next room when he died. We kept her away when the funeral home came to remove his body but she was in the room right before and immediately after he passed. She did go with us to the visitation and the memorial service. She was in and out of the actual room where he was but I think it was beneficial for her. More than once she walked up to the casket and stood for a few minutes before running off. One of the last things she did was to give grandpa a "flying kiss". That was something she did when he was sick and getting close enough to him to give him a real kiss was difficult or painful for him. She kissed her hand and "buzzed" while she flew her hand around and then patted him on his shoulder. When she did that, I lost it. At the end of the visitation, she did lose it and cried quite a bit. But, she's a pretty sensitive kid with empathy like I've not ever seen in a child.

I won't lie, I think daily about our decision to have her so included. She is still having a hard time almost daily with his death. This morning, she started crying and asking why God wouldn't let grandpa fly down to earth from heaven just for one hug. I have no idea if things would be any better now if she hadn't been included. How can I know. My gut tells me we did the right thing. She did have several sessions with a child therapist who specilized in grief. That helped and one of the pictures she drew during one session was of grandpa in the casket with flowers around him. The therapist also said we did the right thing to have her involved. Especially since they were so close. I was 2 when my grandfather passed and 11 when my grandmother passed. I wasn't taken to either funeral. Obviously, at 2, I didn't care but at 11, I did. I was angry for a long time that I wasn't included.

[BelleoftheBallFlagstaff]

Yes. I lost my Grandmother, Mom, and Grandpa within a 1.5 year span from 5-6. I think at that age most kids are old enough. But go with your gut!

[Ceepa]

I think you and DH are sensitive enough to help Toby through any questions or concerns he may have.

[mommyp]

I think you and DH are sensitive enough to help Toby through any questions or concerns he may have.

:yeahthat: When my sister was about that age, one of her neighborhood friends that she played with every day died of cancer. Our whole family went to the funeral and I think it helped her say goodbye. She talked about him a lot, but she knew what had happened. It's hard though.

[Jacksmommy2b]

I think the fact that your son is asking questions and expressing himself with her death is a sign of the emotional maturity to handle a service at the very least. If your family is religious this would also be a wonderful way to illustrate how your religion/god can help him through times of hardship and grief.

Death is very difficult for almost everyone to deal with, especially small children. I think it would be nice to include him in a service to celebrate grandma's life and to mourn with others who loved her and be able to say goodbye. Seriously - just my two cents- but I think it would be more traumatic for him to have no 'closure' with her death at all.

To be honest, I would be most wary of including him in anything involving her cremains. I can imagine grandma being in an urn being difficult to explain to a small child without scaring him.

Good luck and I am so sorry for your loss.

[MelissaTC]

DH's Grandpa passed away this past December. M, at 6.5, attended both wake sesssions, prayer service, funeral mass and military burial. He was the only kid that did it all and he even participated in the mass by bringing up the gifts (he represented the great grandkids as the eldest and frankly, the only one that was able to handle it). You might be amazed at how he handles it all. We were with M.

For the wake/viewings, we packed his backpack with crayons, cars, books, etc... The funeral home had a kids room so he hanged there with the other great grandkids and watched a Disney movie for a bit. I made sure to have snacks in the car for the ride to the cemetary, etc...

[bluestar2]

Yes, but it may depend on the child.

[gatorsmom]

I was 6 when my grandmother died. My parents didn't take me to any of the services. And I'm glad they didn't because i can CLEARLY remember both parents coming to the room my brother and I were playing in and telling me that she died.

When I was 10 my grandfather died and this service I went to. And again, I wish I hadn't because he had an open casket and i can still see the look on his face in that casket. He was nicely "prepared" but it still wasn't the grandpa I knew. I wish I hadn't seen it. I had a hard time for a long time NOT seeing his face in that casket when i thought of him. I had to force myself to think of him at happier times.

I know Toby is more mature for his age but I wouldnt' let him see her in the casket. If there is a wake, I wouldnt take him. If you want to take him to the funeral, I would say only as long as he doesn't approach the casket until it's closed.

Oh, sorry, just read the rest of your post. So, since she's being cremated, there is no body to view? Then I'd bring him to everything. Based on my experiences and those of my niece and nephew when my mom died, the other services will be comforting, not disturbing. The wake will especially be comforting because friends and family will gather to talk about what a wonderful woman she was. My mother's death was excruciatingly painful (and the funeral too) but I have to say I enjoyed the wake. I never realized how many people knew and loved my mom and it helped to know that though she died young, she had a big impact. i think Toby would be wise enough to see that too. And, it will be a nice distraction amidst the grieving attendees to see your mom's grandson.

:hug: I know what you are going through.

[kijip]

Oh, sorry, just read the rest of your post. So, since she's being cremated, there is no body to view? Then I'd bring him to everything.

Per her wishes she is being cremated and her ashes buried at a Catholic cemetery. The funeral is at a Catholic church as well. So nothing but an emerald green marble urn to look at, plus a nice picture of her on an easel. He did not she her body when she died because he was at school that morning. The hospice did a wonderful thing for us and once we let them know that she had died, they came in and confirmed she was dead and then called the funeral planner I had specified for me and the nurses took all medical tubes out and dressed her, and covered her with a quilt. I touched up her nails one last time (she was very particular about them). It gave us all time to say goodbye. I thought about having my father bring T then but decided he might be too young.

[JustMe]

I agree with most of the pps. I think 6 is old enough, in general, to go to a funeral of someone they were close to and also that they should not see the body (which I understand is not an issue in this case)/ I think it is a good idea to have someone available to take him out if he wants or needs to. I would explain as much as possible what will happen, that people will probably cry a lot, that it is okay, they are just expressing their sadness, etc. I don't think it will give him more grief, although possibly he may express it some more and may benefit from the ceremony/closure/ritual that adults benefit from when they attend a funeral.

My dd was 3 when my father died and I did not bring her to the funeral or other services. I don't regret it because she was too young to understand death, the funeral in general, why people were crying so much, etc. She is now 6 and I would definitely bring her at this age.

[Nooknookmom]

Will there be a viewing prior to cremation? Age 6 is definately old enough for the funeral and he should be included, for grieving purposes. I would not have him in the room at the wake, if the body is out for viewing (unless he requests it).

I was made to attend all family funerals as a kid and to this day do not think that it is a good psycholigical practice to have small children in the viewing area. Any other place=fine but not viewing. If there is just a picture of the person, then fine but not otherwise.

My Father died when I was 2 & 8 months old. My Mom said that I kissed him by in the hospital and flat out refused to attend the funeral.

Maybe that is why I freaked out as a kid when she made me attend wakes. Just my experience!!

BTW, sorry for your loss .

[gatorsmom]

The hospice did a wonderful thing for us and once we let them know that she had died, they came in and confirmed she was dead and then called the funeral planner I had specified for me and the nurses took all medical tubes out and dressed her, and covered her with a quilt. I touched up her nails one last time (she was very particular about them). It gave us all time to say goodbye. I thought about having my father bring T then but decided he might be too young.

You brought tears to my eyes. wow, I'm right there with you. saying lots of prayers for you over here.....:hug:

[noodle]

My 10-year-old is still vocal about his disappointment at being excluded from some of the activities surrounding my grandmother's death (he was 4 at the time). He did attend the actual funeral service.

At the time I felt I was protecting him, but I soon came to understand he was capable of a lot more than I thought. It was an important and emotional family moment for us and I regret excluding him.

Good luck. I am very sorry for your loss.

[Tondi G]

My DS went to the funeral for his grandpa when he was 4 1/2 years old. He understood what was going on and why everyone was grieving. I think it was important to have him be a part of it all. I vividly remember when my own grandfather passed away (I was 4) and my mom opted to leave my sister and I at home with our regular baby sitter... I was mad that I didn't get to go. It's odd the things you do and don't remember from your young childhood. Anyways... it it were my child I would have him come.

[jellibeans]

Maybe you should explain to your ds what exactly will be going on and let him make the decision. Also, have a backup babysitter just incase he makes the decision to go, gets there and changes his mind.
I am so sorry that you have to go through this. What a tough time...