Cancel vacation??

[sste]

I know the instinctive response to that one is "no" and I feel that way too. BUT, I am terribly far behind in my work. DH's schedule is so awful that I have been practically a single parent this year with only 40 hours of child care help per week, a demanding, full-time job, and a commute and multiple months that I had to either care for DS alone while DH was out of state or fill in for all-week childcare when our former babysitter left without notice.

I am a tenured prof so I won't be fired but it does have a serious impact on my mobility, conference invites, really everything that makes my job fun for me, if I don't finish my papers on time.

Anyway, DH long ago negotiated for 3 weeks unpaid leave before ending his medical residency and starting his job at the same hospital. This leave is the first three weeks in July - - coming right after his month long absence in May and a really lousy schedule of 12 hour days this month. I TOLD dh last month that I could not accomodate his schedule this June and he would need to do his share or hire his own sitters. That I NEEDED to get my work done to go on this trip - - which we have planned for years to celebrate the end of his medical training. He didn't do that. Now I am SCREWED for meeting my mid-August deadlines. I don't even feel like I would enjoy a vacation at this point.

But, it also sucks to cancel because he is out of work/pay for three weeks and it is ALOT of money. Also, my mother is going to be devastated about not seeing DS and she is too ill to travel to us and probably in her last 2-5 years of life. And I am ripped about losing out on this vacation due to DH's f'ing schedule.

What would you do?

[twowhat?]

Wow, that sucks. I'm sorry.

Is it possible to contact the editors of the journal(s) you are submitting to and asking for an extension (if you are submitting revised versions of your manuscripts to be considered for publication)? If these are grant deadlines, then I dunno what you could do.

I hope you work it out. I do think you need the vacation, if only to grab some family time together before returning to what will most certainly be more hectic-ness at work. Both of your jobs are extremely stressful and always will be...but you probably only have few chances at a vacation!

[squimp]

Can you hire a sitter now and work hard to get those papers written in the next two months? Can someone help you with the writing in some way? I'm always one to try and hire help or delegate to get stuff done. It sounds like you are both really busy and could use some extra help. I'm a research scientist (reformed faculty member) so can somewhat relate.

I wouldn't cancel the vacation - sounds like you could really use it, and given that you have tenure, you can cut yourself a wee bit of slack.

Oh and I recalled one thing that I learned long ago - you never get to the end of your career and think "wow, I wish I had worked harder...I wish I had worked through those vacations, etc." Any regrets are about working too hard or friends and family.

[tiapam]

I would go because of your mom. You say 2-5 years, but there are no guarantees. Can you change the dates for a smaller fee than outright canceling so you go for a shorter time period? Maybe even just you could go later and have a week or so to yourself while DH and DS visit.

Even if you have to work on the trip, I think it will be worth it.

[kransden]

Since I have worked in academia for years, I totally understand your problem. Here are some suggestions.
Send DH and DC anyway!!! He can handle the kid by himself, afterall he is a parent.
1. Cut your vacation short. Let them leave and take 2 weeks instead of 3. You will accomplish more if they are gone and out of your way.
2. Promise yourself that on vacation you'll go to the local library, Starbucks etc. to work on your papers. Say 4 hours every other day or something. Tell DH in advance and mean it.

Try to figure something out so you can go, otherwise, this may become a huge sore spot in your marriage with each of you always blaming the other for not doing what they were supposed to do.

[ha98ed14]

If DH has the time off and you need the time to work, I would send him and DC on a vacation somewhere and you stay home and do your work.

One thing that strikes me as odd is when you said DH will need to hire his own sitters. How do you and he maintain separate sitters? No offense, but I think you are kidding yourself if you think an H will ever take primary responsibility for child care, particularly of they are a physician. Unless DH is the SAH Parent, I think it automatically falls to mom, no matter if she has a career of her own. Not fair, but true, IME. So rather than expect something of him that he will not deliver, which then screws you up, just do it yourself and try not to resent him for the fact that you have to pull his weight in this area.

ETA: I don't mean to be unsupportive, I have just BTDT with my own DH and when I finally took control and just did it myself, it was much better. Sometimes he gets pissy of I ask him to watch DD too much in any one week. It sucks.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I think you could put the pedal to the metal when you return from vacation and get things done by the August deadline. I admit, I work best with my feet to the fire so keep that in mind. I would go on vacation. Maybe you could even get some work done while you are there. You'll get caught up and this might be your chance for a family vacation for a while to come.

Beth

[sste]

Thank you everyone, I am really depressed over this one. I think a combination of your suggestions may be the best idea: 10-14 day vacation with family and then one week where I return home to work and dh stays with DS on vacation.

As for the sitter question, I probably AM being unrealistic but my basic position is that if DH can't be home in the evening 2x-3x per week to relieve the nanny (with my being the point person for all other drop off/pick up), then he has to hire out. I am not a slave or his personal planner. You are probably right that this is causing more grief than its worth but I cannot function in a marriage where I wear all hats.

I am in love with dh, very much so, but I am starting to wonder whether marriage is for me if the default rule is that I have bottom-line, solo responsibility for a household. It is esp. ironic because dh and I are both talented at our work, but I am more talented. There is no way to say that without it sounding obnoxious but there it is - - and its something DH has noted. Why should I, because I am a woman I assume, take almost all of the career hit? Is that what it means to love someone, to have a partnership? If so, can single life be all that bad . . .

[mamicka]

I'm sorry you're going through this. In your shoes, I would probably not go on the vacation & send DH with DS. Then you could take a vacation when it's convenient in your schedule & take DS to see your mother again.

I also think that you need to have a meeting of the minds with your DH. I don't think that your expectations are unrealistic. IMO, your DH should be equally capable & reliable to schedule childcare when necessary - whether you SAH or WOH.

[ha98ed14]

Why should I, because I am a woman I assume, take almost all of the career hit? Is that what it means to love someone, to have a partnership? If so, can single life be all that bad . . .

I hear ya, Sister! For me, it came down to choosing to tow (more of) the line in this area even tho I firmly believe it should be 50/50 because DH has other qualities that I appreciate. He actively loves both me and DD in ways I don't/ can't. In other words, I can't be everything he is to her, and the ways he supports me a real and I appreciate them. Ultimately I value this support and love more than I value have an even 50/50 relationship, so I stay even tho it is not exactly the distribution of labor I want.

[Octobermommy]

I just had to respond. Being married to a doctor is not all it is cracked up to be. When you have a two career family it is even more difficult. Is your dh willing to work with you and call sitters if he is not able to relieve the nanny on his days? Is the nanny willing to collect overtime and stay later if your dh is late?

If I were you I would go on vacation for 10 days to two weeks or so then let dh spend quality time with your child while you spend a week working.

[bubbaray]

I am in love with dh, very much so, but I am starting to wonder whether marriage is for me if the default rule is that I have bottom-line, solo responsibility for a household. It is esp. ironic because dh and I are both talented at our work, but I am more talented. There is no way to say that without it sounding obnoxious but there it is - - and its something DH has noted. Why should I, because I am a woman I assume, take almost all of the career hit? Is that what it means to love someone, to have a partnership? If so, can single life be all that bad . . .


I work with pretty "high flying" women, some of whom are married, some of whom have kids, etc. They ALL say the same thing. Well, except the ones that are in a same-sex relationship, LOL.

Seriously, I think you have to let it go if you want to stay married. It is what it is. The woman always takes the career hit IME.

In your specific situation re the vacation, *I* would go and screw the deadlines. JMHO.

[bubbaray]

I just had to respond. Being married to a doctor is not all it is cracked up to be. When you have a two career family it is even more difficult. Is your dh willing to work with you and call sitters if he is not able to relieve the nanny on his days? Is the nanny willing to collect overtime and stay later if your dh is late?


:yeahthat:

I would just pay OT to your nanny and work longer hours yourself for the next 2 weeks.

[traciann]

I am not a slave or his personal planner. You are probably right that this is causing more grief than its worth but I cannot function in a marriage where I wear all hats.

I am in love with dh, very much so, but I am starting to wonder whether marriage is for me if the default rule is that I have bottom-line, solo responsibility for a household. It is esp. ironic because dh and I are both talented at our work, but I am more talented. There is no way to say that without it sounding obnoxious but there it is - - and its something DH has noted. Why should I, because I am a woman I assume, take almost all of the career hit? Is that what it means to love someone, to have a partnership? If so, can single life be all that bad . . .

So you think its would be better to end your marriage? not sure how that would make things easier on you so you could do your job. In a marriage sometimes it is one person pulling the load a little more than others, although it shouldn't be that way forever.

[Momof3Labs]

I work with pretty "high flying" women, some of whom are married, some of whom have kids, etc. They ALL say the same thing. Well, except the ones that are in a same-sex relationship, LOL.

Seriously, I think you have to let it go if you want to stay married. It is what it is. The woman always takes the career hit IME.


:yeahthat:


I would suggest that you send your DH and DC on the vacation, and fly out a week later yourself. I think that you'd enjoy the balance of the vacation more if you finished your work (or made significant progress) before you left. Please don't miss this time to have a family vacation - it may not be all flowers and roses, but it could be the last one you have as a family in a long while. It sounds like you really need to reconnect as a family of three.

[LBW]

I am in love with dh, very much so, but I am starting to wonder whether marriage is for me if the default rule is that I have bottom-line, solo responsibility for a household. It is esp. ironic because dh and I are both talented at our work, but I am more talented. ... Why should I, because I am a woman I assume, take almost all of the career hit? Is that what it means to love someone, to have a partnership? If so, can single life be all that bad . . .

I could have written this post. It is something I struggle with every day. Not that you need to add anything else to your plate, but I'd suggest you think about going to marriage therapy, or at least individual therapy. I've started seeing someone, and it seems to be helping take the pressure off a bit.

[sste]

Nanny OT is a great idea - - I have been worried we are asking too much of her and I am terrified she will leave us for a better job.

I do understand what you are all saying about 50/50 not being as common as it should be in dual career couples. But, what I am asking for is 25/75 in this specific domain of relieving the nanny. I freaking deserve 25%!

I am not opposed to marital counseling but I do not think dh would be able to attend unless we were to pay someone to come to our home on a weekend or after 8pm on a weekday night (do therapists do house calls???). This is our life.

Tracey, to respond to your point which is well taken, I think in my personal situation in a joint custody, split week divorce arrangement I would indeed have greater childcare support than in my marriage!! But, more than that I think it comes down to what kind of partnership each of us wants and can live with . . . marriage is such a personal vision.

[niccig]

I do understand what you are all saying about 50/50 not being as common as it should be in dual career couples. But, what I am asking for is 25/75 in this specific domain of relieving the nanny. I freaking deserve 25%!

I am not opposed to marital counseling but I do not think dh would be able to attend unless we were to pay someone to come to our home on a weekend or after 8pm on a weekday night (do therapists do house calls???). This is our life.



Yes you do deserve at least 25%, but realistically I don't think it's going to happen. Your DH has a career where he can't knock off at the same time.

My DH isn't in medicine, but his career has a crazy schedule. I call him at 5.30pm and ask if he'll be home for dinner - he doesn't know, so I cook enough and will have leftovers if he eats at work... DS and I eat and I put him to bed. DH will walk in the door anywhere between 8pm and 2am. He can be half way home at 10pm and they call his cell and he has to go back to work...this is the nature of his work. I don't rail against it, because it will do no good. It will not change unless he changes jobs. Actually, a friend had her DH change to the client side of the work for better home/work balance, and due to other changes, he works even more now. So, unless my DH retires entirely, his schedule will not change.

For week nights if I have an appt, I organize a babysitter. Either another mum or our regular babysitter. I was doing night classes at UCLA, and had someone set up, if DH got there at a decent time, we only paid for a couple of hours, but often I would get home first and the babysitter got more money. We arrange week night appts, like seeing DS's school show, knowing that there's a chance DH will not make it. If we were to have counselling, we would have to meet after 8pm as well and most likely cancel several times.

I just think that you will have to work up a back-up for when your DH can't get home. Yes, you shouldn't have to do this, but sometimes reality bites. If you don't organise something, you'll just keep getting more of the short end of the stick.

I want to go back to work, and I know I will have to figure out school drop off/pick ups by myself. I'm going to need a good back up plan as well. I do wish DH would work 9-5, but that's not the job he has. He loves his job, and doing something else would not be him. I think it does help that I know DH wants to be home more than he is. DH had this job when I met him, so I knew what I was getting into before we married. I can see that it would be more difficult to deal with if there was no fore knowledge.

[Sillygirl]

Well, I'm the spouse in medicine. My DH works in IT. We've been married ten years and every move has been for my job. He was thinking about law school but decided against it because it was too much to think of after all my training.

Once your DH is out of residency, things will probably get easier. DS2 was sick today with a fever. We have a nanny but DH called off work anyway so that Alex could get some solo parental attention. I had clinic which I don't like to cancel. OTOH, I have a lot of flexibility during my non-clinic days. I can get away from the hospital for an hour or two so I do all the dentist and doctor appointments for the kids.

Residency is terrible for family life, no question. It does get easier if both parents are committed to sharing the work where they can. I disagree that the woman always takes the career hit. I'm in exactly the private practice job I want. But I also really admire my DH and his commitment to our family.

[mommy111]

Things will get better schedule wise when DH gets out of residency. Go for at least 2 weeks and enjoy yourselves as a family at this landmark occasion. See how things go after, and if you feel a divorce is for you, then maybe it is. But having BTDT with deciding about a divorce and haaving no regrets about the decision, I would say knowing you gave things every possible chance will make the decision clearer in your head. It sounds to me as if you still like/love DH, though, so you may find that once the stress of residency is over that he takes on more of a role and that you are happier in your marriage.
Anyhow, sorry about the long post and unsolicited marital advice, but my ex was also a physician and your post really spoke to me. If the time and financial constraints of residency were the major issue between us, I would not have sought a divorce because those issues pretty much evaporated when he got a 'real' job.

[kozachka]

I would suggest that you send your DH and DC on the vacation, and fly out a week later yourself. I think that you'd enjoy the balance of the vacation more if you finished your work (or made significant progress) before you left.

That's what I would do. I would not be able to enjoy my vacation if I had a major deadline hanging over my head.