Clinical depression - update and thank you

[lisams]

I wanted to update and more importantly send a sincere thank you for all of the support and encouragement. I can't tell you how many times I came back and read your words during very low points the past month. You all were lifesavers. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Fighting this has been the hardest thing I have ever done. I am slowly climbing up. Not great, not anywhere near "normal", but better then where I was a month ago. I've been on the Paxil for 4 weeks (first two weeks were a super low dose - half of the lowest dose possible) since my psychiatrist wanted to take it slowly. He picked up on my hesitation to take anything, so I think he was being very careful about jumping into anything too quickly. The only side effect I've had is I can't sleep. I'm really hoping this subsides over time. I wasn't sleeping great before starting the Paxil, but it has gotten worse so I know the med is somewhat causing it.

The depression has started lifting. I'm not feeling my normal upbeat self, but I'm not crying all day long feeling as if my life is worthless. I have moments where I feel very down, and wonder if I'll ever get back to feeling normal but it doesn't consume my day. I don't want my life to be over. Thinking back, I can't even remember how I was feeling a month ago, I just know that things were horrible.

The anxiety is still very much an issue, but the panic attacks have subsided so I'm hopeful that the anxiety will start fading. My primary dr. sent me to a cardiologist to rule out any heart related issues (my heart rate is pretty high most of the time). I also had my thyroid tested. All tests came back fine, so it was pretty much decided that it's anxiety. She prescribed a beta blocker if I wanted to try it to bring down my heart rate, but for now I'd rather not take another new medication. She also mentioned that exercise would really help, so I've started back with that. The fact that I have an interest in actually exercising is a very good sign - when I was at my lowest point the thought of exercising (or really doing anything) was unbearable.

I'm working with a therapist, and while I don't think it's making a tremendous difference it has helped. Her encouragement has been so good to hear. Last week she said she saw a sparkle in my eye that she hadn't seen. Seems silly, but it makes me feel like I'm making progress.

I completely opened up to my friends and they have been amazingly supportive. As a matter of fact, it has really opened up a lot of discussions that have been so healthy for all of us. I don't feel as alone, which is something that helps me get through the really hard moments.

It's going to take time, and there are days where I feel like I'm taking two huge steps back. I'm just taking it one moment at a time.

Thank you again. I truly believe that the support here helped me take that first huge step out of the hole I was in.

Lisa


************************************************** ************
I haven't been around the past week or so - I've hit a very, very low place. It's been coming for a while, and I thought I was doing better but I nose dived big time. I can't function. My poor Dh has pretty much taken over everything. I've lost 5 more pounds this week (down to 104 lbs). I have to force myself to nibble, but I truly have no appetite at all. I can't sleep, maybe 2-3 hours a night. I feel like I wish I could just die. The sadness and sense of hopelessness is so overwhelming, I can't even explain it in words. My DH took me to the hospital and they kept me for a few hours, determined that I'm not suicidal and sent me home with a prescription for Ambien.

I was able to get in to see a psychiatrist last week, and he started me on Paxil. I've been on it for 6 days and haven't noticed a change at all. He chose paxil because of my sensitive stomach issues.

I don't know what to do. I can't keep living like this. Many times throughout the day I feel like such a burden on my family and that things would be so much easier if I were just gone. I really don't know who or where to turn. I am so scared at what has happened to me - I fell so out of control of myself and my body and I don't even know how I got here.

I'm seeing my therapist once a week, and going to intense outpatient therapy 3 times a week. I've told my parents, DH's parents and one close friend. I have alienated myself from everyone else.

I'm hoping and praying that someone will have some ideas of what I can do next. I feel so much guilt, and I'm physically and emotionally wasting away. I can't believe I can't get myself out of this - my poor children need their mommy back so badly and I can't even do that for them. I feel so horrible.

[justlearning]

I'll try to write more later or PM you, but I wanted to just post quickly here to let you know I'm sending you some huge virtual hugs right now and prayers.

It sounds like your lack of sleep probably is contributing to a lot of your emotional problems right now. Have you tried taking the Ambien? I found when I was at my worst emotionally and couldn't sleep at all that taking Ambien allowed me to get a full night of restful sleep. That sleep started to dramatically improve how I was feeling.

Also, if you don't have energy to do anything but hold your kids and give them kisses while stroking their hair--that is more than enough. No one else will be able to make them feel as loved and special as you can and simply holding them while lying on the couch with them and watching TV programs is a great way to spend your time right now. Don't feel guilty about taking time to recover--you've probably always been hard on yourself and you need to give yourself a break right now.

If you can, have someone come over and watch your kids while you can do something for yourself. Even just cleaning a room by yourself might be a good way to start feeling better and productive. Also, taking a walk or doing some physical exercise can also dramatically improve your mood. But if you're not sleeping, you probably won't have enough energy to do that.

So, I really hope that you're able to find a way to get a full night's sleep every night this week. After doing that, my guess is that you'll feel much better. And be sure to let your therapists know how you're really feeling. Your husband needs you, your kids need you, the rest of your family needs you, and this board needs you. :) I'll be praying for you.

[Melaine]

Lisa, I am PMing you.

[veronica]

Hugs to you mama.

Please have bloodwork done and check your thyroid levels. Paxil can take about 4-6 weeks to begin taking effect. I had very succesful result years ago with it and just started again 6 weeks ago for anxiety and depression. I am already doing remarkably better, my DH can't stop commenting and I feel it to. the phsych started me on 12.5 mg for the first two weeks and then up to 25mg after. I had some headaches the first week but that's it so far.

this is a big step coming foward and you are trying very hard to take care of yourself, which is a great step. It definitely sounds like you are doing so many of the right things.

Just remember, it was not overnight that the symptoms came, and it will not be overnight that they subside. Keep looking up and give the paxil some time. If you feel any worsening , contact your Dr.'s immediately.
I will be thinking of you


ETA: forgot to add to also have your vitamin D levels checked. It has recently been linked to mood disorders as well. I have extremely low vitamin D and have to take a prescription strength vitamin for it. The best way to absorb it is through the sun (15 minutes per day) and then by food if you can.

[lisams]

I'll try to write more later or PM you, but I wanted to just post quickly here to let you know I'm sending you some huge virtual hugs right now and prayers.

It sounds like your lack of sleep probably is contributing to a lot of your emotional problems right now. Have you tried taking the Ambien? I found when I was at my worst emotionally and couldn't sleep at all that taking Ambien allowed me to get a full night of restful sleep. That sleep started to dramatically improve how I was feeling.

Also, if you don't have energy to do anything but hold your kids and give them kisses while stroking their hair--that is more than enough. No one else will be able to make them feel as loved and special as you can and simply holding them while lying on the couch with them and watching TV programs is a great way to spend your time right now. Don't feel guilty about taking time to recover--you've probably always been hard on yourself and you need to give yourself a break right now.

If you can, have someone come over and watch your kids while you can do something for yourself. Even just cleaning a room by yourself might be a good way to start feeling better and productive. Also, taking a walk or doing some physical exercise can also dramatically improve your mood. But if you're not sleeping, you probably won't have enough energy to do that.

So, I really hope that you're able to find a way to get a full night's sleep every night this week. After doing that, my guess is that you'll feel much better. And be sure to let your therapists know how you're really feeling. Your husband needs you, your kids need you, the rest of your family needs you, and this board needs you. :) I'll be praying for you.

Thank you so much for your kind and supportive words. I'm sitting here with tears rolling down my face, your reassurance that just holding my children is enough right now really means so much to me.

I haven't tried the Ambien yet, I guess I'm scared of trying anything. I think I'll try it tonight. I'm to the point where I'll do anything if it might help. I'm so desperate and scared.

You are right, I have always been hard on myself. A perfectionist through and through. I think I've tried too hard to be the perfect mommy and when things came crashing down on me it was (is) so overwhelming and the sense of failure is so incredible that my heart literally aches. I could feel the sadness creeping in as time went on and then it was like the flood gates were opened and now I'm here in this horrible dark place.

Thank you so much for being so supportive. My husband sat here holding me while I sobbed and he appreciated that another mommy could offer words that I needed to hear. Thank you.

[pb&j]

Lisa, no advice here, but I wanted you to know I am thinking of you and your family, and I hope that you are able to get the help and treatment you need.

Sending hugs and positive thoughts over the web to you.

[egoldber]

Lisa, know one who knows you could think that you were anything other than a wonderful woman and mother.

Depression is an illness. You need medical help the same as if you had a disease of the heart or kidneys. It is NOT a matter of "pulling out of it" like you can snap your fingers and make yourself feel better.

You take care of others and now is the time to let others take care of you. :grouphug: It can take time to find the right combo of meds and treatment. Do what you can when you can and try to let the rest go.

[wellyes]

Here's hoping that you are at the absolute low right now.

It did take more than a week but -- Paxil made an enormous, enormous difference in my life. It was a godsend for me. I hope it is for you as well.

[lilycat88]

Do you have a therapist? Medication can be great but it can take a while to find the right medication or combinations of medications (I take 2. Lexapro and Wellbutrin). Plus, I'm a firm believer that for a lot of people, medications without therapy is a band-aid. A therapist (psychologist, social worker, etc.) can help you with some strategies for making it through until the meds take effect and then the meds can help you as you work with the therapist to work through any underlying issues.

Duh, just read your post again. You're doing therapy. It's a hard place to be in. At least you are taking the steps you need to in order to get well. That proves what a wonderful mom and wife you are.

[ChunkyNicksChunkyMom]

Lisa, Huge hugs to you. I was in the same place two years ago exactly. Medication helped (Paxil, plus some kind of anti-anxiety med) and , for me, it was only short term. I was taking no joy in anything and also felt a burden to those around me. I literally googled ways to end it all. After six months of meds, I was back in a good place and YOU WILL BE TOO! It may take several tweeks to your medications BUT YOU CAN GET THROUGH THIS!! I promise you at some point in the not too distant future you will look back on this as a hurdle difficult to overcome, but that you DID overcome. Best to you!

[lisams]

Lisa, Huge hugs to you. I was in the same place two years ago exactly. Medication helped (Paxil, plus some kind of anti-anxiety med) and , for me, it was only short term. I was taking no joy in anything and also felt a burden to those around me. I literally googled ways to end it all. After six months of meds, I was back in a good place and YOU WILL BE TOO! It may take several tweeks to your medications BUT YOU CAN GET THROUGH THIS!! I promise you at some point in the not too distant future you will look back on this as a hurdle difficult to overcome, but that you DID overcome. Best to you!

I cannot tell you how much it means to me that you shared your experience. Hearing you say that I can and will get through this is so comforting. I thought I knew what depression was, and now I know how wrong I was. It's something that can't even be described in words. The feeling of being so low that you really wish it would end one way or another. I told DH that I'm literally hanging on with one very thin thread. I go to sleep secretly wishing that I won't wake up from this hell.

Your words will be in my head, helping me hold on. Thank you.

[cuca_]

I don't have any advice, but just wanted to send hugs. I am sorry that you are going through this and I hope you start to feel better soon!

[lizajane]

lisa, you have made such a bold and important step. you have reached out for help. i can't even begin to describe the situation a family member was in last summer. the horror is beyond words. she was in a darker place than you. she must have said a thousand times, "i just want to go to bed and wake up dead. i just want to die and be dead. i just to go to bed and wake up dead." the stress of being with this family member sent me reeling. just from being with her, i needed therapy every week. she found a new therapist- with much resistance- and saw her once or twice/week. she took meds she didn't want to take. she told stories.

not even a year later, her mental health is at a better place than it may have ever been. she expresses her joy and daily happiness. she is excited about the future. she was certain she would never, ever regain any sense of wellness.

for me, being thrown into therapy was the best thing that ever happened to me. i found the best counselor ever. he changed my life. it is possible. it can happen.

it just plain takes time. lots of time. i know you can't even being to imagine HOW it will happen. but somehow, the professionals can make it happen with you. just STAY with the professionals and meds! if your therapist doesn't make you feel BETTER when you leave a session, FIND A NEW ONE. you should not feel worse when leaving an appt.

hang in. keep doing what you can do. fake it 'til you make it. talk to family or friends. participate in anything and everything you can possibly stand to attend. pretend to smile, even when you don't want to. but give yourself a break when you just can't stand it.

hugs.

[deenass]

Lisa,

You have 3 very good reasons to get through this, 2 children and a husband who clearly loves you. Add to that a message board full of people who will support you during this dark time.

You are not alone and you are taking real, positive steps to work through this depression. It will not go away over night, but medication (the RIGHT medication) can make a worl of difference in your outlook and you ability to cope. Do not be afraid to take what is prescribed for you (both the ambien and the anti-depressant) and tell your doctor HONESTLY about how you are feeling on the meds. Sometimes it takes a different med, sometimes it takes a different dosage. You need to sleep as well, it can make such a diiference in being able to get through the day. The ambien will make it easier for you to fall asleep and stay asleep. Don't be afraid to take it.

You are on the right road to get you through this. You ahve already asked for help and are working on receiving it. Know that each day that you get through is another day that you have gotten through it. That is an accomplishment.

Be gentle with yourself and continue to reach out to the people who make you feel safe. You are not alone in this, please know that.

[cdlamis]

Lisa,
I have no advice to give (not anything better tahn the wonderful words of advice already given). But just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are going through this! It is so commendable (?) that you are getting help. Hope things start to get better very soon.

[dcmom2b3]

Lisa, I've been where you are now (especially being too hard on yourself) and I can tell you that you can and will come through this. If I did, you can too. (See, I'm still hard on myself . . . :)).

I'm sending love and light your way. :hug::hug:

[Rainbows&Roses]

I was in a pretty dark place a few years ago and my DH and our marriage therapist convinced me to try Lexapro. I did and it made me feel MUCH worse than I had previously. I was nearly comatose on the couch - could lay there for hours with my eyes open and not move. I wanted to die (had not been suicidal before). After 7 days I stopped taking it. Within 24 hours, the huge weight had been lifted. I felt so much better because I had felt so bad on that drug.

I am not saying that this is the case with you, but if you started to feel really, really, really bad after starting Paxil, it could be the drug. You might want to speak with your prescriber ASAP to see about getting something else.

This is just a temporary problem. You will get through it.

[Melbel]

Sending prayers, positive thoughts and hugs your way. No BTDT other than for the Ambien. It helped me tremendously when I was suffering from severe insomnia and did not leave me with a "hangover" feeling. I had to take it with 2 pregnancies in order to function. I LOVED Ambien and it may have save my life (and I do not like taking meds). Give your sweet DC a big hug and kiss and have faith that things WILL get better so long as you continue to get treatment.

A friend's FB quotation seemed appropriate here: Faith is taking the first step before seeing the entire staircase - Martin Luther King

You have taken the first step, now have faith as you take the next one, and the next one.... You can do it!!!!

:22:

[s_gosney]

Oh, Lisa. I'm so sorry. I had noticed your absence and was hoping that you were on vacation rather than struggling. :(
I have no advice, but am definitely sending hugs your way and prayers too. Please let me know if there's anything I can do. :hug:

ETA: I hadn't read the other posts before, but I fully concur that you are an excellent mother. ;) Your kiddos know that you love them and kids are resilient. They will be fine. Snuggle with them when you can, and let dh, friends, and family do as much with them as possible. I'm so glad your dh is being so supportive.
Be proud of yourself for being courageous enough to take these needed steps. Praying that you will begin to see the benefits of the treatment very soon.

[gatorsmom]

Sending prayers and hugs. You are a fantastic mom- everyone here knows that. It sounds like you are trying to get help- you are on the right track!!! Keep up the good work. Things will get better. Give yourself time and be patient with yourself. Nobody heals overnight.

:grouphug:

[justlearning]

Lisa, I just PM'd you.

[lisams]

I just want to say how much it means to me to come here and find such comforting and supportive words. Thank you to all for helping me during this. I've been feeling a tremendous amount of sadness, guilt, and hopelessness and you have helped me to keep my focus on the important things.

I had no idea how sick depression can make someone - both mentally and physically. Right now, I think the physical part is starting to really scare me. Looking in the mirror and seeing the weight loss or the dark circles under my eyes is such an evil reminder that I am not well. The constant flow of tears and the heavy feeling of nothing bringing joy is so scary. I have so much to be joyful about and yet I can't feel it. It makes me mad at myself, that I can't snap out of it. In my lowest moments I feel as if my family does not deserve me. That perhaps they would be better off without me. It hurts so deep. This is so not me, I feel as if I have lost the person I was and I'll never find her again.

For those that have been through this, thank you for sharing your story and helping me to see that it will get better. I am so sorry that anyone has to go through this.

Thank you all for your kind words, your prayers and thoughts. I will keep them in my heart.

[DebbieJ]

Lisa,

I'm sorry you are going through this. We are all here for you. You will make it!

[MamaMolly]

Lisa, I'm so, so proud of you. It is incredibly hard to be in such a dark place and reach for the light, but here you are doing it. There is the proof that the real Lisa is in there! A lessor woman might have given up, but you are such a fighter. Now it is time to fight for yourself. You are worth it.

Tons of love and I'll keep you in my prayers. May yesterday be the worst day of the rest of your life. May it only be up from here. That is my wish for you.

[lisams]

Lisa, I'm so, so proud of you. It is incredibly hard to be in such a dark place and reach for the light, but here you are doing it. There is the proof that the real Lisa is in there! A lessor woman might have given up, but you are such a fighter. Now it is time to fight for yourself. You are worth it.

Tons of love and I'll keep you in my prayers. May yesterday be the worst day of the rest of your life. May it only be up from here. That is my wish for you.

Thank you. Thank you. These words were very powerful, and ones that will be staying with me.

Thank you to everyone. I can't even begin to express how good it feels to have people out there who are here for me. Thank you.

[nov04]

Just wanted to send you hugs and mention how much courage you have for reaching out for help.

[pinkmomagain]

Lisa, Just want to send hugs your way. I have no BTDT advice, but I do want to say that if you are not happy with a particular med or particular therapist, PLEASE keep trying until you find what works for you. I have used psychiatrists/psychologists/younameit for my kids, and have had to switch around until I found the right person for the particular issue.

Good Luck. We are all rooting for you.

[StantonHyde]

Lisa:

I have been clinically depressed at least 3 times in my life. It is a very dark, awful place to be. I liken it to be being chained to a cement block at the bottom of a pool and no matter how hard you try, you cannot swim to the top. The medicine will undo the chains and let you get your head above water. Once you can breathe, you can see the shore, you can see the sky, etc etc. It doesn't make you come flying out of the water and it doesn't teach you to swim, but once you can think clearly, you can get back to doing things you did before AND learn new ways to maintain your mental health. I will NEVER forget the first time I took meds. Two weeks later, I woke up and just said, "Oh, the sky is blue". Amazing--I hadn't even known there was sky 2 weeks prior.

That time I took meds for a few months and got better. It was the start of many years of therapy. The therapy helped me dig out all the dark slime/goop/whatever that was inside (bad family history) and then I learned new behaviors that proved to be life altering (in a great way).

The second time I got depressed, I didn't recognize it for a while but I did go to see the EAP person at work who said I seemed depressed. I got right on Zoloft and it was amazing. I did have a crash while on Zoloft (only 50 mg) so I got it increased to 100 and have been great ever since. So you will recognize this earlier if it happens again and you will get help sooner. Its just a learning curve.

The last time I got depressed was after DS was born and I had dropped the Zoloft to 50 mg because I was pg. Then PP anxiety hit me hard. I knew pretty quickly and I called and asked how much I could take and still breast feed. Bingo, it worked. And when my mom died, I got right into a psychiatrist and a therapist because I knew I would need to talk and maybe get more different meds. So now I am proactive!

That first episode was 24 years ago. There is so much to live for. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I will always remember a line out of the book East of Eden--it is something to the effect of "if you pretend to be human long enough, you become human and you can function again." Some days you really have to fake it and that is ok. Try to get a shower every day and get dressed--even if you get back in bed 2 hours later! And take the Ambien, you need to get sleep. And try to think to yourself--I have a choice here, I can choose something that will help me spiral up or something that will make me spiral down. Get sleep, keep up with the therapy and meds, try to get outside every day, try to take a 15 minute walk. You will get better. I know you can't see it right now--but the top of the pool is waiting. Come see the sky!

[indigo99]

I am shocked at how many of you have been on paxil! As someone who has been on/off medications for depression since high school, I've tried a lot of them. Paxil was probably the worst one ever. It worked OK, but I had severe withdrawal with vertigo while trying to come off of it. There have been other serious issues with it, and I definitely wouldn't recommend it to a friend. Wellbutrin is what's worked best for me, but of course everyone needs to find their own best course of therapy. As a patient and someone who majored in psych, I just would not use paxil as a first, second, or even third choice.

Having said that, you are obviously in a depression and are at least still functioning enough to be getting the help that you need. I'm sure you know that recovery can be a slow and long process. You will probably need to have your medication adjusted up several times before finding the right dosage. Just have faith that you have been happy before, and you will be there again.

Also, be sure that DH gets the outside support that he needs. It can be very rough always being understanding and supportive with someone who is depressed. Eventually, all caregivers begin to resent their position no matter how much they love you, and he may need his own therapy to work through his emotions.

[elektra]

Hugs. I hope you feel better soon.

[BabyMine]

I am so very glad you posted this. There are so many women who feel the exact same way but don't tell anyone. They think they are weak or it will go away. They aren't and it won't. You are a very strong person to have sat down and typed out your feelings. You are a role model to your children. They see that you are sick and then they will see that you took care of yourself and got better. You will crawl out of this black hole. Unfortuately, I am a BTDT mommy. The good news is that through medication and therapy I have reached the other side. You are lucky to have a wonderful support system who love you. PM me if you want to.

[lizajane]

Lisa, I'm so, so proud of you. It is incredibly hard to be in such a dark place and reach for the light, but here you are doing it. There is the proof that the real Lisa is in there! A lessor woman might have given up, but you are such a fighter. Now it is time to fight for yourself. You are worth it.

Tons of love and I'll keep you in my prayers. May yesterday be the worst day of the rest of your life. May it only be up from here. That is my wish for you.

molly- truly beautiful words. brings tears to my eyes, both for lisa and her current challenges and for my and my family member's past pain and recovery.

lisa- you CAN do this. you can. you are strong.

[maestramommy]

Oh Lisa, my heart sank for you when I saw your post. No advice, I'll be praying for you!:hug:

[vejemom]

I'll second what others have said - take the Ambien and try to get some rest. One of the moms in my MOPS group went through a situation much like yours a few months ago, right down to not being able to eat. Turns out that she had landed in the emergency room three times in one week with a sick child. No sleep for days, no family around to help. To make a long story short, she made it through hell and back. But it is astounding what a lack of rest will do to the body and the brain.

And you are not a burden to your family. You are stronger than you will ever realize. You needed help, and you've sought the help you need to become whole again. So many people are never able to take that step. Keep going - take it one breath at a time if you have to. You can do it!

[Tammy]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'll keep praying for you and wishing positive thoughts. A previous post said something about just letting your kids be around you and not having to be the perfect mom. That stood out to me, and I thought that's great advice. No one can take the place of a mommy. You're such a special person to your family, especially your children, and even to let them just sit there, lay there with you, and maybe even let them try to help you. I hope you get to a place where you see how valuable you are to yourself and your family. I think it's wonderful that you're reaching out and talking about it though. :hug:

[LexyLou]

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. You sound like you are going through so much that my brother is going through right now.

The lack of sleep is definitely not helping you. I hope the Ambien is helping. Have you talked to your physiciatrist about bi-polar disorder? My brother tried all sorts of meds and nothing helped him. He continued to feel so low and alone. He is not on lithium and zoloft and within days it's like a huge weight has been lifted.

I'm not suggesting you are bipolar, just mentioning it as another avenue to go down.

My thoughts are with you.

[ohiomom]

My mom has struggled with severe depression on and off over the many years. Her most significant episode was when my brother was born. I was in 2nd grade and my sister was 3. He was born very early for those days and the every 2 hour feedings took her to a very dark place, despite having help in the house from my aunt. I just wanted to say we (my sibs) are ALL OK. I barely knew what was happening, except that we moved in w/grandma for a while when mom was hospitalized several weeks (again, this is decades ago) and that I stayed w/a friend a lot. Mom tells me she couldn't even lift her arm to brush her teeth. She laid in bed while I was in school and told my sister she needed a better mom. My sister remembers this, even though she was only 3, but again, my sister is a WELL ADJUSTED adult and mom... Bottom line, take care of you. You have much to live for -- lots and lots of reasons to keep hanging onto that whisper-thin thread. Your family will be ok while you do the work do get through this. It probably won't be a linear path out, but you can do this.

:grouphug:

[DietCokeLover]

Lisa,

I am so sorry for you to be experiencing all that you are. Depression is such a horrid illness and it breaks my heart when I hear of someone who is battling it (... and you ARE battling it!)

Lisa, you are very eloquent in your words that you use to express your feelings and your appreciations on here. Why don't you try using that amazing gift that you have for expressing yourself to journal out some of your feelings as you are going through this. The written word can be so powerful. Also, it will make an amazing testimony to your strength and your accomplishment when you are through this. And you will get through this.

I agree with other PPs who have shared that Paxil may not be the most effective medicine. I wonder if you could talk with your doctor about prescribing a better anti depressant along with something for your stomach issues.

Lisa, you will make it. You sound like you have a fantastic family who adores you. You obviously have plenty of friends who will love on you and support you on here. You are a blessed woman. Hold that thought close to your heart.

[tiapam]

Hugs to you mama.

Please have bloodwork done and check your thyroid levels.

ETA: forgot to add to also have your vitamin D levels checked. It has recently been linked to mood disorders as well. I have extremely low vitamin D and have to take a prescription strength vitamin for it. The best way to absorb it is through the sun (15 minutes per day) and then by food if you can.

I strongly second this recommendation. I went back and read some of your other recent posts and you do have some symptoms of thyroid problems. The fact that you are suffering physically is to me a big red flag. We are forming a BBB Yahoo autoimmune group. Please PM with your email address if you would like an invite.

[ncat]

I generally err on the side of less medication, but Ambien helped me tremendously. I would not hesitate to take it again. Sleep is so important and just getting a few good nights sleep can make a huge difference.

[mamicka]

I'm so sorry, Lisa. I'm late to this but I'm glad to see so many supportive posts. I just couldn't read & not post. Huge hugs & prayers for you. :hug:

[JTsMom]

More :hug: a good thoughts coming your way Lisa.

[Naranjadia]

I totally sympathize. I am not on Paxil, but three of my family members have had great results with it - but as others have said, it does take 4-6 weeks to take effect. For some people it's the answer, others it's not. It sounds like your stomach sensitivity was a major factor. There are anti-depressants, like the one I'm on, that "kick in" sooner, but perhaps they're not as easy on the stomach.

One thing you're doing which is great is outpatient therapy. I got a lot of benefit from therapy - literally helping me change the way I think, keeping me from tearing myself down. It's hard to believe it's going to help at first, but it really does.

Take care.

[MMMommy]

Big hugs to you, Lisa. I'm sure that every mother out there has questioned whether they are a good mother, whether they are adequate in what they do (whether it be as a mother, a wife, a friend, etc.), or even whether their existence is worthwhile. You are not alone. And the fact that you sought professional help shows how strong and capable you are. My heart is with you right now, and I know that you will overcome.

[citymama]

Big hugs to you, mama. I am sorry you are going through this but so glad you have a supportive and caring DH. I hope other family and friends can rally around. Thank you for opening up to us and I hope this great community can provide some support and nurturing. Your kids do need you, but they need you to be healthy and happy first and foremost, so know that whatever you do to take care of yourself is going to be good for all of you. You will have plenty of hugs and time for them when you are in a better space. Please come back here as often as you need to - sending you and your family many good thoughts. :hug:

[mommy111]

Lisa, hugs to you. I KNOW you will find your way through this difficult time. My best friend had had clinical depression since her teens and we have worked for years with her and the depression meds, and, like PPs posted, Paxil takes 4-6 weeks to kick in.
I KNOW you will get over this and soon see the rainbow at the other end!

[KrisM]

I'm just adding my thoughts and hugs for you.

[elephantmeg]

huge hugs to you. Depression is an illness, give yourself time. I went with my MIL once to see her MD when she was very depressed and feeling like you are: that she was a burden and he told her that there are seasons in everyones life-seasons where you are the one everyone depends on and seasons where you need other people to help you. Allow yourself to be helped right now. You are a fabulous mother! And things will get better. Sending prayers your way, so sorry that you are dealing with this.

[JMS]

I'm adding my P&PT as well. I know you feel like you are at the lowest of lows right now, but hang in there, you are going to get through this and you are going to get better. Cyber-hugs:)

[Bens Momma]

Lisa, thank you so much for posting this! It's too painful for me to post much right now other than saying that I am going through the same thing and have felt so alone! I have gone through the whole range of emotions from anger, to hopelessness, to guilt. I think you are amazing for recognizing it, talking about it, and reaching out for help!

Thanks again for your post, I'm sure I will read through this thread often. Wishing that each day is a little better that the last for you! You are in my thoughts and prayers!

Lots of Hugs!

[DrSally]

Lisa, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know it seems like things are so dark now, but just remember that meds and therapy take time to help. Have you always felt this way? The answer is most likely "No". That means that you will not always feel this way in the future, KWIM? You have your support in place to help you. If you continue to feel this hopeless, you need to voice that to your care providers.

I think it's a good sign that you haven't isolated yourself from everyone in your life. You still have those people you feel close enough to to confide in. Total isolation is a major risk factor for depression, so maintaining those relationships and even forcing yourself to visit and talk to some other friends is very important. I hope the physical symptoms start to let up soon. That can be exhausting. Once one thing positive changes, it can help start getting other things moving in the right direction.

Hugs and just remember to keep all your care providers informed of what you're going through. That way they can best help you, whether it's through therapy or trying a different med (but remember those take time to start to work).

[sidmand]

I didn't have any BTDT advice for you but realized I could add my hugs and thoughts! :hug5:

I haven't been there but I know how even a little depression can make life seem so bleak, I can't imagine what you're going through but I know that you are a good mother and good wife and are going through a really hard time right now. I wish you all the best in figuring out the best mix of medicine and rest and recuperation for yourself and your family.

You've made a HUGE first step. Take care!

[caribbeanmama]

Sending lots of hugs to you and your family.

[AJP]

Lisa, No BTDT advice but I just wanted to add my hugs and prayers for you. I'm sorry you are going through this and hope things improve with the assistance of your loving family and doctors.
Hugs,
AJ

[brittone2]

Holding you in my thoughts, Lisa. We are here for you.

[ThreeofUs]

Lisa, I send my very best wishes to you! You're doing the right things, reaching out for help. For me, realizing that depression is often a chemical or hormonal problem helped - because I knew it wasn't *me*, and I knew I could change how I felt.

P&PT to you.

[missym]

Hi Lisa,
Just wanted to check in and see how you're doing. :hug: I hope things are improving every day for you, but remember you can always come here for support and encouragement!

[lisams]

Bumping this :)

[DebbieJ]

Lisa, thank you so much for updating us. I'm happy to hear of your progress and will continue to keep you in my thoughts.

[cuca_]

Lisa,

I've been wondering how you were doing. I am glad that you are doing better and have found a medication that is helping you.

Hugs to you, and I hope you continue to feel better every day.

Keep us updated.

[carolinamama]

Glad to hear that you are climbing up. It's a hard road, but like so many of us, you will get there.

[BabyMine]

Thank-you Lisa for updating us. I am so proud of you for taking control. You are an inspiration.:22:

[MontrealMum]

Lisa, I'm so happy that things are getting better. I was wondering how you were doing. Please keep us updated, and here's hoping things will continue to get better :hug:

[malphy]

Lisa-

I am so very happy to see this update. It is not an easy road but it is doable if you take it one day at a time.

thank you for updating us!

[daisymommy]

:hug: Hugs. We're here for you! Glad to hear that you are on the road to recovery. I just wanted to let you know--and this coming from someone that has been where you are three times--it does get better. You will smile and laugh, and enjoy your life again! Hang in there, the day will come when the fog clears, the clouds lift, and the sun comes out again!!!

[MamaKath]

((((Lisa)))) I am glad to see your update. You a great mom and an asset to this board. I hope that things continue to improve with you. Please pm if you ever need to talk. I have struggled greatly in the last year, and can understand where you are at. Things do improve.

[MMMommy]

I am so glad that things are looking up. Very good news!

[MamaMolly]

Yay Lisa! :bighand: I'm so glad to hear from you and to hear that you are on your way up. It isn't easy, but it is worth it. Kinda like having kids! :)

One question about your thyroid, do you know the actual numbers? I ask because my mom has a thyroid condition and I have classic symptoms but have always tested normal. I keep meaning to find out if it is in the low range of normal, you know? Like maybe my low-end normal is everyone else's LOW. Anyway, just a thought.

You have been steadily on my mind and in my prayers. I wish you all continued success. Big, big :grouphug:

[KpbS]

Sounds like things are really getting back on track. YEA! Thank you for the update. P+PT headed your way :hug: :hug: :hug:

[kijip]

So glad to hear that you are feeling better, your story is encouragement to others in similar situations. I was so resistant to medication and ashamed of myself that I would have delayed getting help with my postpartum issues unless my husband had not been so insistent on taking me to a doctor. I am always glad to read happy updates!

[Fairy]

Lisa, I completely missed this the first time around. I admire you for fighting this and being aware of your own needs. I can't imagine the place you're in, but you've got support here, and I am so glad to hear that you're improving and feeling better.

Hey, if it makes you feel any better at all, I don't have depression, but the thought of exercising is unbearable to me, too. And I've got the ass to prove it!

Find something funny to laugh at every day. If you need me to, I'll give you material. Hey! Here's something right now. I was at play rehearsal last week at one of the actor's houses, and his dog was being very unladylike, if ya know what I mean. So, there he is, licking his you-know-what's ... and he's making moany doggie noises, too. We all just stopped mid-scene and stared at the dog really enjoying himself and cracked up in embarrassed hysterics. There, soemthing to laugh at. :hug:

Thinking of you
-- Hil

[elephantmeg]

huge hugs Lisa, I'm glad things are getting a tiny bit better! Keep plugging on!

[justlearning]

Lisa, thanks so much for your update! I've been thinking about you and am so glad to hear that you're making the climb out of your dark hole. Keep climbing (and exercising--wow, I'm impressed that you're doing that!)!

I hope each day continues to get brighter and brighter for you as you see more of the light...

[maestramommy]

:hug::hug:I'm so glad to hear that there is light for you at the end of the tunnel! Will continue to keep you in prayers and thoughts.

[ThreeofUs]

Really, really glad to hear you're feeling better! Hugs to you! May your journey lead you to a wonderful place.

[Melbel]

Congratulations on taking the first steps toward feeling better! I truly applaud your strength and determination to overcome depression! :bighand: